Headlies: Impact Wrestling Loses Millions During Black Friday Sale

8 Submitted by on Mon, 27 November 2017, 08:00

Toronto, Canada – While many North American companies reaped the benefits of having Black Friday sales, Impact Wrestling reportedly lost a staggering amount of money.

Although a “breakdown in communications” is the company’s official excuse as to why they had such poor and confusing sales, a closed-door meeting among Anthem Sports executives shed light on a litany of issues plaguing the company.

“Impact Wrestling is in a tailspin, gentleman, and this Black Friday fiasco is proof,” Anthem CEO Leonard Asper. “Someone less important than me please read the total sales.”

“One Magnus t-shirt, one autographed Eddie Edwards illustration, two Eric Young plastic beards, and ten copies of Christie Hemme’s cd ‘Generation KO’ cd,” said an unnamed intern. “That’s actually better than expected.”

“How could this happen?!” yelled Asper. “We’ve had Don West working ‘round the clock on the Home Shopping Network!” We’re Impact Wrestling! We’re a household name!

“I thought we were called Global Force Wrestling,” said executive Vice President Edwin Nordholm

“I’m pretty sure we’re Southpaw Regional Wrestling,” said chairman Loudon Owen.

“Are you sure, we’re not still TNA? The website for our products is shoptna.com, so that must mean we’re still TNA,” said Vice President of Content Distribution Bruce Littman.

“Look at all this junk we’re selling,” said Asper while browsing shoptna.com. “Impact Wrestling fidget spinners? Future Knockouts bib? A used turnbuckle? A Jeff Hardy coloring book? The Beautiful People legwarmers?! Of course our sales were terrible. Look at all this junk. How much money did we lose?”

“50 million dollars,” said Chief Financial Officer Niral Merchant. “That’s of course including all the money lost after we invested in Global Force Gold.”

“Quick, fire our loyal and beloved employees from Live Audio Wrestling!” commanded Asper.

“You already did, sir,” said the intern.

“Sell that six-sided ring! Rent out the Hall of Fame! Try to find another washed-up rock star to front us some money! Find out what Rellik means when you spell it backwards!” screamed a panicked Asper before running out of the building.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
8 Responses to "Headlies: Impact Wrestling Loses Millions During Black Friday Sale"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:


  2. the14thListener says:

    Surely at least some neo-Confederates would buy the Dixieland shirts, even if they don’t know what it means?

  3. Hulk6785 says:

    Find out what Rellik means when you spell it backwards!

    Gold! Comedic Global Force GOLD!!!!

  4. RD Reynolds says:

    This is an absolutely fabulous Headlie. Excellent work, Jordan!

  5. RobVanDamIsABallerina says:

    “Willow” Halloween costumes, replicas of their 2 dozen current Championship belts, Slap Nutz beach towels… I friggin’ loaded up this year.

  6. CF says:

    _The Death of TNA_ (book, and actual event) cannot come soon enough.

  7. #OPC says:

    I think they finally stopped selling those Jeff Jarrett guitars. I should know, I’m a sucker who bought one.

  8. MistaMaddog says:

    TNA must be one of those companies that are forever cursed with incompemtency no matter who owns them (there are actual companies like that).

    So Dixie’s sitting back at her daddy’s plantation telling herself, “Not my problem anymore sug!”

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