Headlies: “I’m A Dixie Carter Guy” T-shirts Not Selling As Well As Expected

4 Submitted by on Sat, 14 September 2013, 12:00

Photoshoppery by RD Reynolds

Nashville, TN – Despite being available for several months online and being sold at every live event, sales of TNA’s “I’m A Dixie Carter Guy” t-shirts have been very disappointing.

During a company-wide meeting, sort-of TNA Impact Wrestling president Dixie Carter addressed the situation. “I don’t understand the problem,” said a bewildered Dixie. “We put on a great product every week, don’t we? We have great storylines that totally make sense and entertain everyone. We have the best fans in the world. Why wouldn’t they want to support the company? It’s not like they watch the TV show and not buy the pay-per-views, right?”

Dixie’s questions were answered with a low murmur from the group.

“We need to sell these t-shirts and spread the word! Mike, how many have we sold so far?”

Vice President of Marketing Mike Weber checked his notes and said, “Uh, three, not counting the ones we’ve given away.”

Dismayed, Dixie turned to Chief Financial Officer Dean Broadhead and asked, “Dean, how much money do we have to advertise these shirts?”

“Ten,” said Broadhead.

“Great, we have $10,000 to spend on advertising these shirts…”

Broadhead cut Dixie off saying, “No. Just $10.”

“Where are the leaders in the locker room?” pleaded Dixie. “I need some people to step up and show the world what TNA Impact Wrestling is all about. Come on, where is our future-star Crimson? How about Joey Ryan, Christian York, D.O.C., and D-Lo Brown? Ladies, you need to pick it up too! I need vets like Tara and Madison Rayne, along with rookies like Taeler Hendrix to show fans that TNA is on the rise and here to stay!”

An awkward silence hung over the air as Carter’s eyes scanned the room. Gunner shifted in his seat uncomfortably while Rob Terry stared at his shoes. ODB took a large swig from her flask and shook her head in disbelief.

“I think we need you guys wearing these shirts wherever you go,” said Dixie. “Let the fans know that you have pride in being here. Let them know that you’re a Dixie Carter guy! Everyone come up and get a t-shirt. We’ve got both sizes: Extra small and extra large.”

Eric Bischoff then whispered something in Dixie’s ear.

“Oops, looks like we’re out of extra large. Sorry, Samoa Joe. Just staple two shirts together, you’ll look great!”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
4 Responses to "Headlies: “I’m A Dixie Carter Guy” T-shirts Not Selling As Well As Expected"
  1. BaltoJim says:

    Love how you took the time to get all of the management (and I use that term loosely) names in there. People gave Bruce Pritchard a lot of crap after he was fired and for many things, deservedly so. But as far as allowing contracts to expire, Chief Financial Officer Dean Broadhead was the man responsible for that and he’s not going anywhere…

  2. Down With OPC says:

    Rob Terry staring at his shoes made me lol.

  3. RD Reynolds says:

    Could totally see this happening.

  4. Thomas Moffatt says:

    I’m looking forward to when JBL and Cole go mountain climbing – the possibilities are endless

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