Headlies: Hundreds Of Dead Wrestling Angles Found In The Basement Of Titan Towers

6 Submitted by on Mon, 25 March 2019, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Local and state police officers were called to Titan Towers, the headquarters of WWE, after a gruesome discovery was made in the company’s basement.

Earlier this week, WWE announced that they were moving to a new office complex in 2021 after decades at Titan Towers. The grisly discovery was made during a routine walkthrough from building inspectors, realtors, and potential buyers.

“We were making sure Titan Towers was structurally sound,” said local contractor Buck Powell. “As we were leaving the basement, I caught a glimpse of something in the corner of the room. It was a chunk of the Abraham Washington show on top of a pile of John Cena getting stabbed by Carlito’s bodyguard, Jesus. I immediately called the police.”

“I’ve been on the force for over twenty years and I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Detective Joseph Nelson as he lit a cigarette. “You’d think being in this line of work for so long that you’d get used to seeing the true depravity of man. You’d be wrong. I…I just don’t know how someone could do that to those innocent storylines.”

Detective Nelson gazed quietly in to the distance as a rookie police officer threw up behind a squad car.

“We’ve really got our work cut out for us,” said police chief Jonathan Fontneau. “Our forensics team is working with several others to try to piece together everything. It’s a real mess. In just one section there were bits of who blew up Mr. McMahon’s limo mixed in with some Best In The World tournament, Juan Cena, Paul and Katie Lea Burchill, and Emmalina. All of that stuffed inside a lock box with the initials ‘S M’ on it. It really is a graveyard of broken dreams and bad angles.”

Amid the investigation, WWE CEO Vince McMahon made a quick statement before Monday Night Raw.

McMahon, sporting a neck brace for unknown reasons, said “There’s no evidence that those angles came from us. They could have come from any wrestling company. Did I say ‘wrestling’? See? We’re ‘sports entertainment’ so it couldn’t possibly be us. And no one go looking for wine-making Erick Rowan! Case closed!”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
6 Responses to "Headlies: Hundreds Of Dead Wrestling Angles Found In The Basement Of Titan Towers"
  1. John C says:

    Next they’ll hopefully look in The Aisle of Lost Merchandise section in the basement. Tekno Team 2000 foam fingers, “Conan” Chris Walker action figures, Sivi Afi posters, Big Bully Busick fake mustaches or the autographed Aldo Montoya jockstrap/mask costume set.

  2. CF says:



  3. @PresidentClint says:

    I would’ve gone with the punchline where Vince was legitimately arrested because Stanford PD thought the stories were either criminal confessions or intricate plots of terrorism from the McMahons themselves.

  4. Dan F says:

    I hope they didn’t stumble across the remains of Jason Jordan being Kurt Angle’s son!

    • Thomas Moffatt says:

      It’ll be with Muffy and the feud between Michael Cole and Hornswoggle in the pile titled “We’re So Effing Glad These Didn’t Last”…

  5. Caveman says:

    I wonder if they found Eric Angle in that basement as well.

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