Headlies: Fans Blame Batista For Daniel Bryan’s Injury

24 Submitted by on Fri, 16 May 2014, 08:00


Richmond, VA – WWE World Heavyweight champion Daniel Bryan shocked the wrestling world this past Monday by announcing on Raw that he had suffered a neck injury, requiring surgery. While no specific in-ring moment could be pinpointed as the cause of the injury, many wrestling fans immediately placed the blame on WWE Superstar Batista.

“Bryan’s promo on Raw was a call to action,” said Patrick Lee, a frequent poster for the on various wrestling forums. Lee, who posts under the moniker “Uht0micDr0pp”, reached out to people on his various social media accounts, asking everyone to scour videos for the exact moment where Daniel Bryan was injured.

“I put on my lucky fedora and got to work,” said Lee. “I watched about 10 matches from the past month to see what I could find. I went frame by frame, trying to find something. And I wasn’t the only one. There were people from all over the world looking.”

The search lasted five days when the group finally had a breakthrough. Reddit user “creepybearhugz” had discovered video from a Bryan/Kane house show match late last month in which Bryan was on the receiving end of a tombstone. Creepybearhugz posted several screenshots from the video, circling a section of the crowd that appeared to be a pink blur.

Social media exploded as many pointed to the pictures as irrefutable proof that Batista was the cause of the injury. The hashtag “#headbuttforBryan” began to trend worldwide.

“Ugh, I hate Boretista so much! He ruins everything! #headbuttforBryan #Iwalkformilesinsidethispitofdanger” read a tweet from Twitter user @ropeheartbreak.

“I am going to eat my first born son because of Batista #headbuttforBryan #hotsauce” read a tweet from @AksanaLanaThreeWay

Not all the responses were negative though. “Batista is a good guy. Classy. Great fashion sense. He should be my running mate.” tweeted @realDonaldTrump

“We did some great work,” said Lee, his eyes closed in self-satisfaction. “I would have found those pictures if I didn’t have to mansplain to some dumb girl how men’s rights are being trampled on by the femaletocracy.”

“These dorks are absolutely ridiculous!” said Batista. “I wasn’t even there. I was busy getting a private tour of the Ed Hardy world headquarters. I don’t have time to deal with these mouth-breathers. Instead of making wild accustations, maybe they should type up another ‘manifesto’ with their Dorito-stained fingers. Stupid nerds!”

Currently, a Whitehouse.gov petition to fire Batista and deport him from the Earth has reached over 500,000 signatures. President Obama has yet to respond.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
24 Responses to "Headlies: Fans Blame Batista For Daniel Bryan’s Injury"
  1. Hashington says:

    Batista screwed Bret!

  2. John C says:

    I bet it was Batista who screwed Wendi Richter out of the Women’s Title back in ’85. I always thought whoever was Spider Lady seemed to move way to femininely for it to really be Moolah. Batista was probably the one who gave Baby Doll that envelope to blackmail Dusty too. What an Adamle he is.

    • TheGreatPuta says:

      You can’t blame Wendi, Batista was already old enough to have already had a colonoscopy by then (rumor has it they found lots of crap). . . and yes, the endoscope screwed Batista!

  3. W.M. Pump says:

    Batista is the reason why Anderson Silva broke his leg in UFC.

    Batista is also the reason why Hogan is bald and wasn’t able to be the spokesman for the Grill that Foreman made famous.

  4. RD Reynolds says:

    Totally could see this happening.

  5. Drew says:

    Batista was behind GTV.

  6. Guilty Party says:

    Batista drove the white/black/white Hummer!

  7. Kyle says:

    I was going to do that joke!

  8. Kyle says:

    Batista raised the briefcase at King of the Ring 1999

  9. Big Jim says:

    Batista was supposed to be Shawn Michaels’ partner at Backlash 2006 but he no-showed and God had to step in instead against Vince and Shane.

  10. Preparation Triple H says:

    Batista caned Dewey.

  11. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Batista was the Anonymous RAW GM

  12. Drew B says:

    It’s Snitsky’s fault that we blame Batista.

  13. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Batista booked the Chavo Guerrero v Hornswoggle feud

  14. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Have you noticed that Batista has never been in the ring at the same time as Brooke Hogan? I think that is TOO much of a coincidence…

  15. Doc 902714 says:

    Batista blew up Vince McMahon’s limo following McMahon Appreciation Night

  16. Super Duper says:

    Batista was the driver of the car.

  17. BadGuyRy says:

    Batista is the name of his sled.

  18. Drew B says:

    Batista was a ghost the whole time.

  19. Formerly From Tokyo says:

    LOL @ “#Iwalkformilesinsidethispitofdanger”

  20. neck pain Melbourne says:

    Human attitude always finds someone to blame.

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