Headlies: Fan Caught Making Up Names While Talking About Wrestle Kingdom

8 Submitted by on Mon, 01 January 2018, 08:00

Shrewsbury, MA – During an extensive discussion of New Japan Pro Wrestling’s upcoming Wrestle Kingdom 12, it was revealed that longtime wrestling fan Jack Ames has been making up names and facts in order to sound like he knows what he’s talking about.

At the weekly meeting of the Super Wrestling Friends Club at the Shrewsbury Buffalo Wild Wings location, the group of wrestling fanatics excitedly discussed the upcoming Japanese supercard event.

“Suzuki versus Goto is going to be huge,” said Ames, discreetly looking at the lineup on his phone. “The build up reminds me a lot of Toyota Kawasaki versus Sid Vader from All-Japan back in ’92. I’d show you guys, but it’s not up on Youtube.”

The group politely nodded along, despite not knowing who or what he was talking about. Realizing his ruse was in trouble, Ames quickly changed the subject to former WWE star Cody Rhodes, focusing heavily on his “Dashing” character from several years ago.

The conversation eventually shifted to all-time great Japanese wrestling matches, further exposing Ames’s lack of knowledge. After mispronouncing current WWE star Shinsuke Nakamura’s name several times, Ames talked about a International Wrestling Enterprise match from the early 80’s featuring Fats Domino against Takeru Kobayashi.

“I thought maybe he got some mango habanero sauce on his brain or something,” said group Vice President Brad Purnsley. “Kobayashi is the Nathan’s hot dog eating guy.”

“We knew something was up when he said Chris Jericho would beat Pineapple Kojima,” said member Efrem Lewis.

Ames’s plan finally fell apart when he referred to Bullet Club member Bad Luck Fale as “Mad Chuck Fail”.

“I couldn’t handle it anymore,” said group president Allie Ferris. “I jumped up from the table and suspended him from the group for 1 month. I didn’t even care that I knocked over our order of mini corn dogs. If there’s one thing this group won’t tolerate, it’s making stuff up. Also, liking Mojo Rowley. That’s a no-no.”

Ashamed but undettered, Ames vowed to make a comeback.

“I’ll show them! I’m going to watch a ton of Japanese wrestling matches and find the most obscure wrestlers and totally blow their minds!” declared Ames. “And as God as my witness, I will prove that Sega Nintendo is a real wrestler!”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
8 Responses to "Headlies: Fan Caught Making Up Names While Talking About Wrestle Kingdom"
  1. John C says:

    That’s why I’m going to celebrate New Years Day by watching the famous All Japan classic 2-3 falls match between Goget Yasum and Showme Yurbeaver. It should be classified as a Hate Crime to like Mojo Rawley. Wasn’t Magno Habanero in a Real World Tag League with Pineapple Kojima in the early 2000’s?

  2. Marqueza C Krylowicz says:

    What’s the dif between shane o mac & hhh?????
    to be successful 1 had to go to & 1 had to leave china

  3. Thun says:

    Now now, I’m pretty sure Fats Domino was the child of billiards legend Minnesota Fats.

  4. Christopher Haydu says:

    Poor Mr. Ames. He should’ve just rhapsodized about Obozoggo versus Napozango in the Korokeuen Hallway.

    (Funniest thing Kevin Nash ever said.)

  5. John Matrix says:

    Sega Nintendo’s match against Super Nintendo Chalmers at Thunderdome 1994 was a five-star classic.

  6. Ryan says:

    Shrewsbury shout out, nice! Haha

  7. Sean Wilkinson says:

    You mean Nakarounda Damatt vs. Kachingo Dacash wasn’t an actual match? I could’ve sworn Meltzer gave them a 4 5/16-star rating for their 30-minute Broadway last year. He would’ve given it 5 stars if not for overbooked run-ins by Kawasaki Hyundai and Asahi Sapporo (who later celebrated with a beer bash mid-ring).

  8. Felicity says:

    I like the idea of having a wrestling fan club meeting at a local restaurant.

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