Headlies: Everything Is Totally Fine At TNA

13 Submitted by on Mon, 24 October 2016, 08:00


Nashville, TN – TNA President Dixie Carter has assured fans that everything it totally, 100% fine.

From her corner office in the back of a nearly empty warehouse now known as TNA Impact Wrestling World Headquarters, Carter took the time out of her busy schedule to assuage any concerns that TNA fans might have as to the future of the company.

“We’ve been through some tough times, but I think we can all agree that TNA is a company made of fighters,” said Carter, who appeared to have been awake for several days. “Sure we’ve lost Spike TV, Destination America, lost a ratings war that WWE didn’t even know they were in, were grifted by a bunch of old wrestlers, and are currently being sued, but we’ll bounce back!”

A single, bare light bulb buzzed loudly over her head as she continued.

“Now, we may not be the bell of the ball right now, but there are plenty of eligible fans out there looking for a wrestling company like it’s the last 10 minutes of prom and they have to win that bet they have with the rest of their buddies,” chuckled Carter, her laughter echoing in the cavernous warehouse.

Carter then slammed her shoe against the desk, killing a cockroach.

“Think that’s the last of them?” she asked Rockstar Spud who was using an empty milk crate as a chair and desk.

“I’m cold and hungry,” said Spud quietly to himself.

“I’d say that TNA’s financial outlook is downright robust. Rich! Robust! Zesty! Only 5 grams of fat per serving!” said Carter clearly reading words from an empty bag of Sun Chips on her desk. “Heck, my phone is ringing off the hook with potential investors and buyers.”

Carter pointed to her “phone” which was just a sheet of notebook paper with numbers written on it.

“PopTV has been downright peachy keen and I cannot legally say how I feel about Billy Corgan so I’ll just give him a big old thumbs up! Everything is fine! Totally fine!”

A knock came a Carter’s office door. Three men sporting Darsow’s Repo hats appeared in the office.

“Sorry, ma’am. You’re three months late on your payment. We have to take it.” said one of the men.

“No! Please don’t! There’s an X Division title shot in it for you if you just let me keep it a few more weeks.” pleaded Carter.

“Sorry, no can do,” said the man as the two other workers picked up Rockstar Spud and carried him out of the office.

Carter sat in complete silence for several minutes. Suddenly, she perked up and flashed a bright smile.

“That’s alright, sugar,” said Carter as she got up from her desk and pulled out a container of gasoline.

Carter whistled “Sunshine Lollipops And Rainbows” by Lesley Gore as she splashed the fuel across her desk and piles of paperwork.

“TNA is doing better than ever!” shouted Carter as she lit a match before running out of the warehouse.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
13 Responses to "Headlies: Everything Is Totally Fine At TNA"
  1. mfm420 says:

    A knock came a Carter’s office door. Three men sporting Darsow’s Repo hats appeared in the office

    Brilliant line there, top notch

  2. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    This is not only hilarious but also probably pretty close to the truth, too. Love the Repo company name. 🙂

  3. whorefinder says:

    I just can’t wait to find out who the mole was all these years.

  4. Geoff says:

    The mole suspect list has been narrowed down to these folks:

    – Kurt Angle
    – Karen “Angle” Jarrett
    – Hulk Hogan
    – ODB (only because she had nothing else better to do)
    – Beer Money
    – Brian Knobbs
    – Ric Flair
    – Eugene
    – Triple H
    – Vince McMahon

    My odds are on Vince, Hunter and Eugene

  5. Raven7309 says:

    If TNA’s completely broke, how can Dixie afford to pay the hydro bill and keep the lights on?

  6. Paul Sebert says:

    Bad news… Chicken Boo is now suing to get his money back.

  7. John C says:

    So I’m guessing they’re going to be having a real fire sale.

  8. Barronmore says:

    It’s nice to see Barry Darsow’s still making bank in the repo business. 🙂

    why didn’t Barry Darsow’s repo company get a cameo in the new ‘suplex city’ , right next to the IRS Offices of Irwin R. Shishter, and Drocey recycling. 🙂

    LIttle nods like that make all the difference. 🙂

  9. Darryl Stewart says:

    If only they had kept Puppet The Midget Killer around–since he liked to spank his monkey anyway, imagine if TNA had split any proceeds from the sperm bank with him 50-50?

    (I imagine this would truly be splitting heirs, though. 😉 )

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