Headlies: Enzo Amore Is “Lost In Seaside Heights”

4 Submitted by on Mon, 16 May 2016, 08:00


Seaside Heights, NJ – WWE Superstar Enzo Amore, who recently suffered a concussion at the hands of Simon Gotch of the Vaudevillians, has been missing for several weeks following his dismissal from his hospital. It is strongly believed that Amore has suffered an acute case of amnesia, forgetting his name and history in the WWE.

Tips began flooding into Titan Towers with Amore’s whereabouts. Some said that he was now a plumber while others said he was a garbageman. One even said that Enzo Amore was a homeless sailor that fixed old bicycles. Following several credible leads, WWE interviewer Renee Young was able to track down Amore to the boardwalk in Seaside Heights, New Jersey.

Amidst the smells of funnel cake, Marlboro Reds, and AXE body spray, Young found Amore selling salt water taffy in one of the stands.

“My name is Ellios Cacciatore aka Sweet Maker-Player Hater. This giant piece of candy right here is Big Taffy and it’s seven feet tall and you can’t…eat…that!” barked Amore to a group of tourists.

“Enzo! Enzo, it’s me, Renee from WWE!” said Young.”

“Sorry, honey buns, there ain’t no end zone over here,” said Amore. “But maybe you and me can godto a little touchdown dance on the Ferris wheel if you know what I’m saying. I’ll be sure to split the uprights, how you doin’?”

“Don’t you remember? You’re a tag team wrestler in the WWE! Think about your partner Cass and your…um, lady friend Carmella!” said Young trying to jog his memory.

“Hey, the only lady friend I got is my main squeeze, Bada-Bing. Also, my side-piece, Cookie, and my ex, JWOWW. Other than that, I’m a free man,” said Amore.

“There must be something I can do to get you to remember,” implored Young. “Think, Renee, think! Dudley Boyz! Um…Dana Brooke’s clown makeup face! Uhhh…I’ve got it! Simon Gotch’s creepy, greasy mustache!”

At the mention of Gotch’s disturbing facial hair, Amore’s face began to twitch. Memories flooded in like an overflowing pot of marinara sauce, spilling onto the stove of his soul.

Amore jumped onto the candy counter and declared, “My name is Enzo Amore and I’m going back to WWE to win the Tag Team championship and to shave that slimy caterpillar right off Simon Gotch’s punchable face!”

Proud of her work, Young celebrated with some cherry ices and a round of Frog Jump.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
4 Responses to "Headlies: Enzo Amore Is “Lost In Seaside Heights”"
  1. Geoff says:

    My name is Ellios Cacciatore. My father was slaughter by a six fingered man. You killed my father. Prepare to die!

    Tourist: But…but…. I have the standard 4 fingers on my hand.

    Rene: Are you from West Virginia by any chance?

    Tourist: Yep! Sure am!

    Ellios (aka Enzo) Does not matter. You killed my father! Prepare to die!

    Onlooker1: Does he always go around starting conversations like that.

    Onlooker1: No, last one she started talking about football and he said something about not having an end zone.

    Onlooker1: She sure is purrrrty!

  2. John C says:

    Or how about Enzo as a sassy instructor at a hair salon academy. He has to constantly remind his students that with certain styles, “That they can’t bleach that!”

  3. adam says:

    It’s not the same without Foley pretending to be a pirate.

  4. Caveman says:

    And where was Dean Ambrose during all this?

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