Headlies: Declining WWE Ratings Tied To Lack Of Mike Adamle

12 Submitted by on Mon, 07 December 2015, 08:00


Hartford, CT – After several months, $2.3 million spent on research, and countless work-hours, WWE has discovered that their currently decline in ratings can be directly tied to the lack of Mike Adamle on their shows.

Adamle, who once served as an interview, announcer and as Raw GM, was let go by the company in 2008. The ramifications of that firing are still being felt today.

“Numbers don’t lie,” said WWE Data Analyst Phil Bortles. “We’ve taken a comprehensive look at weekly, monthly, quarterly and yearly ratings going back over ten years and all signs point to the firing of Mike Adamle as the tipping point. It’s in my opinion that the WWE should do everything in their power to bring back Adamle. Or develop new stars. Either one works.”

WWE has sent “feelers” to Adamle’s agent to gauge his interest in returning, but Adamle expressed apathy to the company’s problems.

“The Ad-Man heard that the ‘E wanted him back,” said Adamle from his mansion in Hollywood while surrounded by many beautiful women. “But they’re going to have to do a lot to get the A-Bomb back. I like to watch my puppets dance, if you know what I mean. What’s in it for Adamle. You can’t spell ‘Adamle’ without ‘M-E’, know what I’m saying?” said Adamle, flipping the collar on his fur coat.

Adamle sipped on a piña colada from a golden chalice and continued, “A-Dawg has got a lot of irons in the fire. Investments. Consulting. Acting. Directing. Producing. WWE has to bring the moolah to get this piece of A. Stocks, options, corner office. A character in the next 2K game. A Mike Adamle shirt. A Mike Adamle show on the Network. Renaming developmental NXAdamle. The Mike Adamle Memorial Battle Royal. And that’s just for starters.”

Vince McMahon is rumored to be commissioning a life-size statue of Adamle to be carved out of marble to lure him back to the company.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
12 Responses to "Headlies: Declining WWE Ratings Tied To Lack Of Mike Adamle"
  1. Thomas Moffatt says:

    I could see WWE bringing him back – battle of the GM’s with Laurinaitis, commentating team from hell with Tony Dawson then worst of all – he brings back HOGAN complete with his ego and worst of all… Brooke (!) to feud with Nipple H…

  2. John C says:

    Former GM Adamle has also been hard at work on his new doughnut franchise centered in Massachusetts to be known as The A-Hole.

  3. JM says:

    Don’t discount the lack of Jeff Harvey, either

  4. Brad says:

    Ahhh Mike Adamle, the man who made Jeff Harvey famous. The innovator of the Championship Scramble, which seemed like a good idea on paper but just made me crave Dennys

  5. Jeremy says:

    The only way he’ll come back is if Jeff Harvey does too.

  6. Preparation Triple H says:

    Adamle also insisted that the WWE bring back Jeff Harvey.

  7. Gotchism For Life says:

    Despite the late 80’s WWF intro…the most revolutionary force in sports entertainment is Adamle.

    Adamle + Herd + Abrams= The REAL Gold Dust Trio

  8. JM says:

    I think the real problem lies with the WWE. They hired Mike Adamle, but not Larry Czonka to rein him in.

  9. Geoff says:

    Back…away…. slowly…. Must not let the Adamle herd trio wake up and see me. Will be turned to Gold Dust if they do. Will inform Perseus of this Cerebus/Succumbus/Medusa uh thing. Must get out of here. AUGH too late…

    (turns to Gold…something something… stone)

  10. The Foiler says:

    I always thought the Championship Scramble was a miscommunication – the way I heard, Adamle had offered to make Vince some of his championship SCRAPPLE – as we all know, Adamle is a renowned chef and authority on regional cuisine. Old Vince heard him wrong and, combined with Vince’s sleep-deprivation-induced hallucinations of Pat Patterson, we end up blowing all of the clean pinfall budget on the Scramble, where they don’t mean anything.

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