Headlies: Deathmatch Resolved With Words, Not Violence

5 Submitted by on Mon, 07 August 2017, 08:00

Voorhees, NJ – The much-anticipated Deathmatch at CZW’s ” Once In A Lifetime” between Matt Tremont and Atsushi Onita took a different turn than most experts expected.

The crowd was at a fever pitch at the Flyers Skate Zone in Voorhees as “The Bulldozer” Matt Tremont and Atsushi Onita were ready to engage in ultraviolence. With weapons in hand, both men stood in the middle of the ring and looked at the bloodthirsty crowd before them.

As Tremont lifted his steel chair and Onita raised his barbed-wire bat over his head, the two locked eyes. The two battle-hardened competitors saw something in each other and dropped their weapons. The crowd was on pins and needles as they continued to stare unflinching at each other. Without warning, the two men embraced, tears streaming down their face.

The cheers that previously rattled the walls of the Flyers Skate Zone died out to silent confusion. Tremont grabbed a microphone and addressed Onita.

“My dear friend. I will not engage in fisticuffs with you this day,” said a surprisingly-eloquent Tremont. “It was in that moment when my eyes met yours that I realized that we are one in the same. We are cut from the same cloth, you and I. These ruffians in the crowd wish us to cause bodily harm upon each other, I refuse because you are now and forever, my brother.”

“Though I may be known for matches with explosions, you have truly detonated the love in my heart,” said Onita. “There is no need for pain today, only the compassion I feel for you and everyone in this arena today. I see trees of green, red roses too. I see them bloom for me and you. And I think to myself, ‘what a wonderful world.'”

“Hit someone already, you pussies!” shouted a child from the crowd.

“We paid for blood!” screamed 78 year-old Eunice Weig.

“Light you balls on fire!” yelled elementary school teacher Adam LoVerne.

The crowd, upset that the two men were not doing permanent bodily damage to each other, began throwing trash in the ring.

“Kind gentlemen and fair ladies” pleaded Tremont. “Look within yourselves and reflect on what we have said. You know our words are true!”

“Hug the person next to you!” said Onita.

The once-agitated crowd reflected on the heartfelt words, hugged each other, and recycled the trash they had thrown in the ring.

After the conclusion of the event, a large group of CZW fans were seen headed towards The Children’s Hospital Of Philadelphia to sing songs and read stories to patients.


Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
5 Responses to "Headlies: Deathmatch Resolved With Words, Not Violence"
  1. Dr.Gonzo says:

    one And the same.

  2. Hulk6785 says:

    This is the kind of story we need in these troubled times.

  3. CF says:

    Um — seems to be missing most of the first paragraph.

  4. John C says:

    The not to be combatants then staple gunned hearts on each others’ chest.

  5. Sawney says:

    At least there was a happy ending.

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