Headlies: Daniel Bryan Recycles His WWE Championship

4 Submitted by on Mon, 15 April 2019, 08:00

Aberdeen, WA – Following his title loss at Wrestlemania, former WWE champion Daniel Bryan has decided to recycle his championship belt.

Made from 100% eco-friendly organic hemp, naturally fallen oak, and naturally-sourced stones, Bryan’s championship was a symbol of his environmentalism and rage against the greedy Baby Boomers and corporate machine.

“The loss is devastating, but I can’t let my emotions effect the way I think,” said Bryan standing atop his compost heap. “Mother Earth needs us and we need her. I can’t just let these precious resources sit in a closet somewhere. No, it’s time to rethink, reuse, repurpose, and return. Naturally, we’re doing this in a natural way.”

Bryan has removed the hemp from the belt and fashioned a new flannel top for his good friend and “intellectual equal” Erick Rowan. The stones were then used to create a sundial for a community garden. All the adhesive used to keep the belt together was melted down and turned into hair pomade. Finally, Bryan used the wood to create a tiny theme park for rabbits, squirrels, and other small woodland creatures.

The former champion looked upon his work and shed a single tear. He then captured the tear in a jar that he plans to use for pickling pesticide-free cucumbers.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
4 Responses to "Headlies: Daniel Bryan Recycles His WWE Championship"
  1. John C says:

    Imagine the plentiful bounty that could be reclaimed if you could recycle all of Sable’s wooden line readings.

  2. Lee W. says:

    Not that it could’ve given him a reputation for being a “wooden” champion or anything…………………

  3. Eric H. says:

    Is it wrong that I actually kinda liked the look of this belt (sorry i mean Championship)?

    • Arcane Azmadi says:

      No, it was friggin’ awesome. Absolutely unique. There’s a certain look of timeless craftsmanship to wooden items that can’t quite be replicated by anything else. Besides, the “normal” championship belt is incredibly cheap-looking and boring anyway (compared to what the WWE championship looked like in days past, when it wasn’t just a big ‘W’on a black leather strap with a couple of side plates).

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