Headlies: Corporate Kane Updates His LinkedIn Page

11 Submitted by on Mon, 20 June 2016, 08:00


Stamford, CT – After handing his resume and letter of recommendation to Stephanie and Shane McMahon in order to become the head of Smackdown, Kane decided to update his LinkedIn account just in case either McMahon was going to look.

As the sun set over his 2 bedroom townhouse, Kane opened up his laptop while his two dogs, Torchy and Charcoal, played with a rope toy he had purchased at Petco. Several attempts to login in proved to be fruitless and Kane had to reset his password, finally settling on “B1GR3DM4CH1N3”.

“I won’t forget that one!” chuckled Kane as his oven’s preheat alarm went off. He put a rotisserie chicken inside the oven along with roasted potatoes and asparagus and went back to work.

“Oh, boy,” said Kane, adjusting his glasses. “Looks like I haven’t updated this in a while. Let’s see…I should add something about having interpersonal communication skills. Steph will love that. An energetic spark. That one’s for Shane. Hmmm, what else?”

Kane’s mind wandered as his attention was drawn to the “Law & Order” episode playing in the background. He exchanged a few texts with Tommy Dreamer before refocusing.

“I should probably get rid of all these references to torturing and killing people,” reflected Kane. “That’s not good for business. Instead of ‘burn down houses’ I’ll say ‘motivated leader’. Instead of ‘watch the life leave my enemy’s eyes’ how about ‘a proven closer’. Yeah…yeah, this is great!”

Kane hit submit and then removed his dinner from the oven.

“I’ve got this thing in the bag,” said Kane confidently. “I’ll bet Teddy Long doesn’t even have a LinkedIn account. Probably still stuck on MySpace!”

That night, Kane drifted off to sleep with thoughts of making matches on Smackdown and lighting Tyler Breeze on fire.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
11 Responses to "Headlies: Corporate Kane Updates His LinkedIn Page"
  1. saintstryfe says:

    We need more fake wrestler’s social media accounts.

  2. Geoff says:

    There is nothing that can top this. Good job Jordan. I’m trying hard to come up with a comeback but Kane on Linkedin? I don’t think I can. I’m going to go now and burn down some houses ah, er, I mean motivate some leaders.

  3. OPC says:

    When did Kane get a second dog? I know he had that lhasa apso, was that Torchy or Charcoal?

  4. RD Reynolds says:

    Betting Dr. Shelby has a stellar LinkedIn page.

  5. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:


  6. AK says:

    I SO want to see the Undertaker’s LinkedIn.

    Does he mention the work he did for the WWF Wrestlemania the Arcade Game Tips and Tricks VHS Video?

  7. I’m sure that Shane’s genitals remember the kind of energetic spark Kane is capable of.

  8. Oh well now we can see some craziness on linked in also.

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