Headlies: Wrestling Companies Team Up, Release New T-Shirt

7 Submitted by on Mon, 18 May 2015, 08:00


Secret Lair, Atlantic Ocean – The leaders of most of the world’s professional wrestling organizations met in a secret monthly meeting this week to discuss business.

the heads of wrestling’s major “families”: The McMahons from WWE, the Carters from TNA, Dorian Rolando of AAA, Paco Alonso of CMLL, Kaname Tezuka from New Japan, Super Dragon from Pro Wrestling Guerrilla, Joe Koff and Court Bauer from Ring of Honor, Mike Quackenbush from Chikara, and the newest member to the cabal, Robert Rodriguez from Lucha Underground.

Following a cocktail hour in which everyone enjoyed hors d’oeuvres while listening to music composed by Jim Johnston, Vince McMahon welcomed the group.

“Thank you all for coming, it’s good to see you,” said WWE’s Vince McMahon, sitting upon a throne of melted territory championship belts and broken dreams. The group, clad in robes, uttered a prayer in the ancient carny language before beginning.

“Let’s get down to business,” said Dixie Carter. “Plans for wrestling-world domination are going ahead of schedule. The big companies have the casual fans and the smaller groups have the hardcores who think they’re getting one-up on the big fellas by watching indies. We make them think we suck just to keep their business in another fashion. Now it’s time to move on to Phase 2”

The group laughed hardily while sipping from their golden chalices.

From a side door entered the owners of several independent wrestling t-shirt makers including OneHourTees, Barber Shop Window, and Pro Wrestling Tees.

“The plan is to create a wrestling t-shirt that both casuals and smarks will pay for and wear proudly,” said Koff.

Koff then revealed the bright red t-shirt with a yellow wrestling ring. Above the ring said “Wrestling fans will buy” and below the ring said “ANYTHING”.

“Love the message, pal!” said McMahon. “I’ve sold a ton of those Nikki Bella ponytail caps. It’s not even human hair. We just sweep up the leftovers at Petco!”

“With the help of our t-shirt printing friends over here, we will insure total market saturation.,” continued Koff. “By New Year’s, we expect profits to be over $3 million!”

A large cheer rose from the group as they heard that news of pre-sales for the shirt had already sold-out.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
7 Responses to "Headlies: Wrestling Companies Team Up, Release New T-Shirt"
  1. John C says:

    Vince: “Make sure we sell this crap to everyone of these drooling troglodytes. EVERYONE!!!!”

  2. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    This is so true…

  3. Raven7309 says:

    God help me, this so accurate, it’s scary.
    My top 3 items of shame that I’ve purchased over the years:
    1. A foam Rock “Brahma Bull” based upon his tattoo.
    2. The complete “Hulk Hogan and the XWF” dvd, filmed in the same arena/studio that “WCW Worldwide Wrestling” & “TNA Impact” were filmed in.
    3. A John Cena metal pendant.

    • Cenamark says:

      That Chain Gang pendant is awesome. All John Cena merchandise is great.
      Please make these T-Shirts real. I really want one now.

  4. RD Reynolds says:

    This actually made me kinda sad…

  5. LBKO says:

    I think this is especially true when it comes to things such as “shoot interview” DVDs and downloads which usually consist of an incredibly bitter has-been moaning for 2 whole hours while a sycophantic interviewer wearing a $6 suit tells them that they’re brilliant and agrees with everything that they say. The fact that there are people happy to pay £19.99 for a DVD of Konnan saying the word “faggot” about 406 f***king times while farting out of his mouth in poorly lit room really does make think.

  6. That Lucha Guy says:

    1) wwe is not wrestling, they wouldn’t even be invited to this reunion.

    2) His name is DORIAN ROLDÁN and he’s not the president of AAA

    3 )LU is a secondary show to AAA, not a promotion itself.

    4) Paco Alonso attending, now that indeed made me laugh LOL!

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