Headlies: Col. DeBeers Added As A Judge On Tough Enough

9 Submitted by on Mon, 03 August 2015, 08:00


Winter Park, FL – WWE officials have announced that the newest judge for the reality series “Tough Enough” will be none other than Colonel DeBeers.

“We felt it was time to add a little spark to the Tough Enough competition,” said Vince McMahon. “ The Miz did a great job last week, but it was time the show had a fourth judge. Up until now it’s just been Daniel Bryan and Paige. No one else was a judge this year. No one,” said McMahon sternly.

DeBeers, a South African who wrestled in the AWA and UWF in the 80’s, is best known for his feuds with Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, “Big” Scott Hall, Jake Milliman, and Iceman Parsons. He is also known for his pro-Apartheid stance and for refusing to wrestle African American competitors.

“While it’s true that the colonel has made certain racial remarks in the past, we will not hold it against him,” said McMahon. “Just like Michael Hayes. We have always appreciated his work in the AWA. Just like Sgt. Slaughter. And he has a great mustache. Just like B. Brian Blair. Yup. No one else fits these descriptions. Can’t think of a single person,” said McMahon.

“I am here to separate the wheat from the chaff,” said DeBeers without a hint of an accent. “I can see from Sara Lee that she is of good stock. I can also see that ZZ would not have lasted five seconds under my command. And I have nothing to say about the recently eliminated Patrick.”

“Oh, boy. That’s still better than the things said by, uh, Title Vacant From 1984-1988,” explained McMahon.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
9 Responses to "Headlies: Col. DeBeers Added As A Judge On Tough Enough"
  1. J says:

    I am sure this would be funny if I knew who this guy was

    • J says:

      sorry didn’t mean to come off like a jerk in my post

      • Jordan Mishkin says:

        Y’know how some things in wrestling can be considered racist? The Col. DeBeers gimmick, a pro-Apartheid South African, was literally racist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3-o_dPhbGI

        • J says:

          Thanks for the link and damn I thought those African wrestling Gimmicks Vince came up with was bad

          • Preparation Triple H says:

            Colonel DeBeers was also involved in a match called “The Great American Turkey Hunt” where the object was to be the first to grab a raw, uncooked turkey from a pole.

  2. John C says:

    The Col. immediately took quite a liking to Sheamus and hoped he soon cash in that Money in the Bank contract. Twirling his mustache excitedly he remarked what lovely children would be produced by a Sheamus-Paige knocking of the boots. He excused himself and ran to the bathroom in a frenzy.

  3. DarthPitch says:

    Knowing Vince’s history, I’m a bit shocked DeBeers wasn’t the leader of the Truth Commission back in the day instead of that Commandant guy.

  4. Jackwagon says:

    (“Oh, boy. That’s still better than the things said by, uh, Title Vacant From 1984-1988,” explained McMahon.)

    I do have to admit, one of the biggest shocks of this whole thing is finding out that Stevie Richards was wrestling in the 1980s, let alone a WWF champion.

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