Headlies: Cheex Returns To Save TNA

10 Submitted by on Mon, 01 June 2015, 08:00


Battleboro, NC – Dixie Carter and various TNA officials spoke at a news conference yesterday, revealing the return of a wrestler that they believe will help save the company. Reporters gathered inside a local Waffle House to hear the news.

“Ya’ll, I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” said Dixie in regards to news that TNA is being canceled. “Destination America loves us. Just because they moved us to Wednesdays doesn’t mean anything? Neither does taking away all of our other programming. That’s just silly. Silly silly silly silly silly silly. Silly.”

“We totally don’t need saving!” said Executive Vice President John Gaburick. “And I’m totally not leaving to be on the next season of Tough Enough.”

“Nope nope nope!” added Carter. “We’ve got Billy Corgan who’s going to be doing some writing and Twitter fighting. Plus, we’ve got another huge announcement to make: TNA is proud to welcome back an alumni from our early years! You know him. You love him. And he is going to help save TNA…not that we need saving.”

The gaggle of fans and reporters murmured with anticipation. Many believed that the returning wrestler could be Teddy Hart, Monty Brown, or even CM Punk. One, despite the pronoun “him” still thought it was Lacey Von Erich.

“Ladies and gentleman, please give it up for one of two participants in the very first TNA match ever, Cheex!” shouted Carter.

Only the sound of plates clanking and food cooking broke the deafening silence of the group as the over-400-pound man waddled to the microphone. Joined by what appeared to be a nurse, Cheex’s labored breathing was picked up on several microphones.

“How will your skills help TNA continue?” said one reporter.

“Hashbrowns. Smothered.” said Cheex.

Confused, another reporter asked “Who will your first match be against?”

“Texas Bacon Chili Melt.” said Cheex.

“Where do you see TNA in 6 months?” asked a third.

“Waffles. Ham. Raisin Toast. Grits. Iced Tea.” said Cheex as his nurse wiped the sweat from his brow.

“There you have it folks,” said Carter proudly. “Waffles. Ham. Raisin Toast. Grits. Iced Tea. TNA. I think that says it all, don’t you?”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
10 Responses to "Headlies: Cheex Returns To Save TNA"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Amazing as always.

  2. Gotchism For Life says:

    In all seriousness, is that Cheex guy still alive? I mean that was 13 years ago and he was morbidly obese then…

    • Scrooge McSuck says:

      A lazy search on google found very little, other than his real name is Mike Staples, and he had gastric bypass surgery in 2006 and lost 250 pounds due to shockingly poor health for a man weighing in excess of 600 lbs.

  3. Scrooge McSuck says:


    Serious question… anyone know anything about “Cheex” other than working that 1 night? Anyone see him work else where? Anything?

    • Jordan Mishkin says:

      He must be living on an island somewhere with Cheatum. Very little information on either of them.

  4. John C says:

    Then from the back a loud voice yelled, “Damn it Flo, Dixie whatever the hell your name is stop pretending the customers are reporters and deliver the damn food already! You ain’t holding no press conference here your talking into a frickin’ spoon for God’s sake. You don’t run nothin’ but your mouth to a bunch of confused people trying to order grub here, you idiot.” Dixie wrote down waffles, ham, raisin toast, grits and iced tea on a slip of paper and said to no in particular, “Thank y’all fir comin’ here today, no further questions if you please. I have developed a strong case of the vapors.”

  5. Andre R. says:

    I thought he was over 500 lbs. And whatever happened to Brown Eye Girl?

  6. Doc75 says:

    possibly the worst idea for them to do to make extra money. a brand of tea mix called {you guessed it} Tea NA. if that ever gets made please send all hate comments to the reply part of this message.

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