Headlies: Call The Bray Wyatt Hotline Now!

8 Submitted by on Fri, 13 February 2015, 08:00

Brooksville, FL – Bray Wyatt has launched his own 900 hotline where wrestling fans can hear from their favorite WWE Superstar.

Much like WWE and WCW personality “Mean” Gene Okerlund’s hotline from the 1990’s, fans will be able to call the hotline to hear all about Bray Wyatt. While the main focus will be on news and upcoming matches, fans will also be able to gain deep insight into the enigmatic cult leader.

A pre-recorded message by Wyatt greets the caller, stating, “Dearest minion. It is I, the Eater of Worlds, Bray Wyatt. My deepest and most sincerest thanks to you. Since you have searched deep within yourself and come to the inevitable conclusion that you want, no, need to hear all about me, please enter your credit card number, expiration date, and the pound sign. It only costs $1.99 per minute to embrace the void. Kids get your parents permission.”

Callers are then given multiple options. Press 1 for Bray Wyatt news. Press 2 to hear a Bray promo. Press 3 to hear Bray sing “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands”. Press 4 to hear Bray read from the daily newspaper. Press 5 to get fashion tips from Bray. Press 6 to hear Bray say words that rhyme with “Bray” and “Wyatt”. Press 7 to hear about Sister Abigail. Press 8 for beard and grooming tips from Bray. Press 9 to repeat the options.

Plans to talk directly with Bray are still in the beta stage following a testing incident in which “Bray” referred to himself as “Jay Wiand” and told listeners to “Follow the Buzz Aldrins”.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
8 Responses to "Headlies: Call The Bray Wyatt Hotline Now!"
  1. John C says:

    I was hoping for one of the options to be how to deal with the IRS.

  2. Al says:

    The problem is his theme song alone costs you $10. Luckily that’s what most of us will call for, at least before your parents catch you hiding in the closet.

  3. Geoff says:

    And what were you doing in the closet to begin with?

  4. Drew says:

    I’m gonna give Bray a call and ask him to straighten out a question that has bothered me for about thirty years … is his old man’s name Mike RotundO or Mike RotundA? One week a graphic would say one, next week the other. And if he starts spelling his name Broy Wyott, I’m screwed.

  5. Jeremy says:

    If you press 0,you get to hear an inspirational quote from Bo Dallas telling you you’re not a zero, you’re a hero.

  6. Anthony says:

    (Clicks option 4) hmmm….Canada stalls on trade pact…

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