Headlies: Bryan Alvarez Ruins Stunt Family Picnic

5 Submitted by on Mon, 17 June 2019, 08:00

Olive Branch, MS – Figure Four Online/Wrestling Observer writer and podcaster Bryan Alvarez traveled to the hometown of rival Marko Stunt and ruined the Stunt Family Father’s Day picnic.

The Stunt Family, consisting of Papa Stunt, Mama Stunt, and wrestlers Marko and Logan, arrived at the Olive Branch City Park Sunday afternoon. Mama Stunt laid out a blanket as Papa Stunt grilled hamburgers and hot dogs. Brothers Marko and Logan played catch with Velcro paddles and a tennis ball. The Stunt Family laughed and frolicked, not a care in the world.

The beautiful June weather suddenly shifted without notice. Birds stopped singing, the warm June sun disappeared behind dark, ominous cloud, and an unmistakable voice shattered the Stunt’s good time.

Bryan Alvarez had arrived.

“How’s it going, everybody?” said Alvarez, a sinister smirk on his face.

“Mr. Alvarez, we don’t want any trouble,” said Marko.

“Get outta here, you big meanie!” shouted Logan.

“What? This is a public park. I’m not doing anything wrong. Isn’t that right, Papa Stunt?” said Alvarez, placing his hand on the father’s shoulders, squeezing extra hard.

“Oh, look. Coleslaw. I hate coleslaw!” shouted Alvarez before delivering a vicious chop to the mayo-soaked cabbage and carrots, sending it flying everywhere.

“Macaroni salad? What kind of salad has macaroni in it? Preposterous!” yelled Alvarez, chopping the carb-heavy side dish.

Papa Stunt tried to stop Alvarez, but was pie-faced with a literal apple pie. As Mama Stunt tended to her husband, Marko and Logan tried to subdue Alvarez. The brothers swarmed their sworn enemy with a flurry of kicks and flips. They were quickly defeated after Alvarez put his hands on their heads and held them at arm’s length until they passed out from exhaustion.

In a final act of cruelty, Alvarez delivered a series of vicious chops to the hamburger and hot dog buns, rendering them useless.

When asked why he ruined the Stunt Family event, Alvarez said, “At the end of the day, I just hate having ants at a picnic.”

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
5 Responses to "Headlies: Bryan Alvarez Ruins Stunt Family Picnic"
  1. John C says:

    Mr. Alvarez would then co-author the book, Death of Family Picnic with picnic basket enthusiast Mr. Yogi Bear. They would jointly co-host a podcast called, Talkin’ Bear Bryan which would confuse Alabama Crimson Tide football fans to no end.

  2. Richard Phillips says:

    And then Dave Meltzer arrive to take a wizz on their blanket.

  3. Stone Cold Warlord says:

    Luckily Granny Stunt, who is in fact a stunt granny, was not invited to this particular family function.

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