Headlies: Brian Kendrick Wants To Show You A Body He Found In The Woods

2 Submitted by on Mon, 03 October 2016, 08:00


Mill Valley, CA – WWE Superstar Brian Kendrick wants to show you something cool that he found in the woods. You both skip Chemistry class and head out into the woods behind the baseball field.

“Dude, it’s going to blow your mind!” says Kendrick as you walk deeper and deeper in the woods.

Kendrick has always been a little different, but you trust him anyway. Sure he has wild hair, a crazy look in his eyes, and smells like stale Chili Cheese Fritos and pickle juice, but he’s just so darn entertaining. You ignore your head and go with your gut, pushing on through the thick brush, over the creek, and past the old maple syrup shack.

“Brian, hold up!” you beg as you try to catch your breath.

“Bro, our bodies aren’t real,” said Kendrick matter-of-factly. You shouldn’t be tired. This is all just a manifestation of our own collective consciousness. You need to free yourself from that group-think corporate mentality. Also, the sun is really cold and the moon landing was fake.”

You stop and try to process all that Kendrick has said when he tells you that you’ve reached your destination.

“Man, it’s right there,” whispered Kendrick.

You strain your eyes and see a large pile a few hundred feet away.

“It’s a dead body, man!” Kendrick exclaimed. “I found it last week when I came out here to smoke p..I mean, meditate. I dare you to poke it with a stick!”

You and Brian inch quietly closer to the body, sticks in hand. Your heart pounds in your chest as sweat pours down your back.

Suddenly, the pile moves and you both jump back.

“Uggggh!” said the pile.

You hold the stick like a baseball bat, ready to swing at the amorphous pile. Your fear melts away as you recognize that the pile has long bleach blond hair and is wearing a long sequenced Confederate flag robe.

“Man, where the hell am I?” said the man. “Last thing I remember, I was doing shots in the bar with the boys, next thing I know, I’m laying in this pile of leaves and using a squirrel as a pillow! Say, can you boys give me a ride to town?”

You and Kendrick then spend the rest of the afternoon getting a badly hungover Michael Hayes a ride to his hotel.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
2 Responses to "Headlies: Brian Kendrick Wants To Show You A Body He Found In The Woods"
  1. Third String Point Guard says:

    If you decide to dump Hayes outside the local bar, turn to page 50

    If you decide to drive to TJ Perkins’ school to pick him up, turn to page 25

    If you decide to push forward to the hotel, go on to the next page

    Somehow, this entry takes me back to my childhood and Choose Your Own Adventure.

  2. Geoff says:

    As you two wander down the trail with Hayes in tow, you come upon a trailer park and sitting on the stoop at the nearest one is jamie noble. He looks at the both of you and then at Hayes and says: “Man, where did you pick up that ole pile of bones.” it’s then that you realize that for whatever reason, Hayes seems skinnier than before.

    Hayes (flustered) What? What you talking about Willis. I ain’t no pile o bones. I is only 49.

    Noble: I wasn’t talking about you. (he points at Kendrick who then gets into a shouting match with him.)

    From out of another trailer comes the Dudley Boyz and Spike, Booker T and Sharmell and a Moondog nobody has ever heard of.

    You: Something about a pile of bones. Hey man, help me get this guy to the hospital, we found him by the creek next to the Maple Syrup shack.

    Booker: Hey Dawg. What’s all the ruckus.

    Booker and Sharmell laugh. Booker says: “Oh you mean the Love Shack. Man, he was just down there enjoying himself. By himself. Let the man do what the man gotta do. Dig dog?”

    Hayes: Well I was enjoying it with Mitch the Tie Straightener guy but I don’t know where he went.”

    Paul E comes out of another trailer with Mitch the Tie Straightener guy. Mitch sees Hayes and gulps.

    Hayes gets a mad look on his face and shouts: “Is you cheating on me? What in the hell is you thinking. And with this pile of ass.” He stalks menacingly towards Paul E. the Dudleys go inside, grab and ice chest full of beer, call Stone Cold Steve Austin and get a table to sit on,

    You drop Hayes and decide just to go back to school. It’s easier there than this messed up debacle you just found yourself in,

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