Headlies: Bray Wyatt Celebrates His Wrestlemania Streak

4 Submitted by on Mon, 06 April 2015, 08:00


Somewhere in the backwoods, FL – WWE Superstar Bray Wyatt celebrated the continuation of his Wrestlemania losing streak with the entire Wyatt family.

“I want to thank all of my dearest and closest family for joining me on this momentous occasion,” said Wyatt beeming with pride. “You may remember last year when the legendary Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak ended. You may not know that the occasion was also the beginning of a new streak. One of vast importance. One that can go down in the annals of wrestling history: My defeated streak!”

Bray’s words were greeted with an frantic hooting and hollering from his family. Though Bray had “set them free”, both Luke Harper and Eric Rowan were there to join in the fun and merriment with the rest of Bray’s kin. Harper told inappropriately scary ghost stories and Rowan gave “sheepy-back” rides to all the little ones.

Uncle Cooter Wyatt played the mouth-harp while the twins Pepsi and Mr. Pibb accompanied him on the saw. Granny Wyatt danced a jig as Bray’s sister Abigail cooked up a mess of possum stew and buzzard slaw. The clan laughed uproariously when Rowan tried to eat with his mask still on.

Before the meal, Bray raised a glass of Rowan Red wine, and made a toast.

“Here is to twenty more losses at Wrestlemania! Tito Santana, we’re coming for you, Chico!”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
4 Responses to "Headlies: Bray Wyatt Celebrates His Wrestlemania Streak"
  1. Thomas Moffatt says:

    I hope this isn’t the start of Bray Wyatt’s transformation of uber-cool heel cult leader into half-witted babyface hillbilly…

  2. Doc 902714 says:

    Seems like the Wyatt Family could’ve invited the Spucklers to their shindig, hootenanny or soiree. Didn’t Cledus say that he had a daughter Mary whose middle name was “WrestleMania?” How appropriate.

  3. Commodus says:

    If they bring in Henry Godwinn as Bray’s dim-witted, loveable Uncle/Niece, it might just save his career. He could spit moonshine at heels, and do a big banjo solo after every match. Instant ratings!

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