Headlies: “Bayley: This Is Your Life” Segment Declared A Crime Scene

18 Submitted by on Mon, 05 June 2017, 08:00

Greenville, SC – The Greenville Sherriff’s office has declared the “Bayley: This Is Your Life” segment from last week’s Monday night Raw a crime scene. The segment, in which WWE Superstar Alexa Bliss mocked Bayley, was universally panned by both the live audience and fans at home.

As WWE’s crew was breaking down the ring, Sherriff Marvin Talty arrived with ten deputies and ordered a full stoppage of work.

“Ladies and gentleman, by the governor’s orders, I am here to declare the “Bayley: This Is Your Life” segment an active crime scene,” declared Talty. “Stop what you are doing right now and give statements to one of my deputies.”

One officer began unrolling yellow police caution tape while another dusted for fingerprints.

“Hold on, just a minute here,” said WWE television producer Kevin Dunn. “What crime has been committed here.”

“Sir, please calm down or I’m going to have to tase you,” said Talty. “That segment is being charged with multiple counts of homicide, attempted homicide, manslaughter, attempted manslaughter, and assault.”

“Whaaa-a-a-at?!” said Dunn, his voice cracking with fear.

“That segment last night is being accused of killing the women’s wrestling movement, killing the crowd, killing interest in Extreme Rules, attempting to kill Bayley’s popularity, attempting to kill Alex Bliss’s popularity, and assaulting the fans’ senses.. These are very serious allegations. Frankly, in the 20 years of service, I’ve never seen something so disgusting in my life.”

“Poppycock!” shouted Dunn. “It was fantastic television!

“Sir, lower your voice,” order Sherriff Talty, reaching for his taser.

“I will not!” screamed Dunn, his voice shrill with anger. “The women’s movement is stronger than ever! That’s why the women’s championships keep changing hands so many times! You’re wrong! The fans are wrong! Get this stupid police tape out of my ring!”

As Dunn reached for the ring, Sherriff Talty deployed his taser, and shocked Dunn with 10,000 volts. Dunn was then placed into police custody. It is unknown at this time if WWE CEO Vince McMahon will bail him out.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
18 Responses to "Headlies: “Bayley: This Is Your Life” Segment Declared A Crime Scene"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Ha! Good one!

  2. Shockwave says:

    There’s not a lot of things in wrestling that actually make me mad, but this did. What a disgusting disservice to both these women. They deserve far better.

  3. Third String Point Guard says:

    Calling it as early as now. Bayley: This is Your Life wins the 2017 Gooker. Because while there is still time to undo the damage done to her push, that segment will forever live on in infamy.

    • CP says:

      Orton vs. The Wyatt Family is still worse.

      • Guest says:

        At least the Orton-Wyatt feud didn’t involve Orton joining with the Wyatts for one night before turning on them.

    • The Gold Standard says:

      No, that will be on the list, but it will not win the 2017 gooker. Reason for that is that House of Horrors had the audacity to be on PPV while this was a Monday Night skit.

      Only hardcore fans would watch that RAW again on the network but the average casual fan will buy the DVD or Blu-Ray of the PPV and have to live through that match again.

      • Arcane Azmadi says:

        Well now Alexa has COMPLETELY buried Bayley at Extreme Rules (“Bayley is too wimpy to be hardcore!”), NOW do they get a shot at the Gooker? At least some people found the House of Horrors match to be absolutely hilarious in its awfulness. Alexa vs Bayley is just fucking tragic.

        • The Gold Standard says:

          Your line said it all, hilarious for its awfulness.

          I agree that they way they buried Bayley was atrocious, but there could be unknown reasons for why she was buried on a PPV. I’m not suggesting she failed a wellness check (since those are made public) but there could have been something behind the scenes that is unknown.

          From a guy that was a worker on the indy circuit for 14 years and booked before, the only reason you lop the head off of a popular talent is backstage politics or punishment.

          And that is why I don’t think it’s gooker worthy. When it has to do with the politics and not the storyline that’s not really in the spirit of what R.D. reasoned for the Gooker Award.

    • Si says:

      It says a lot about the handling of the division that that wasn’t even the first “Bayley used to be different when she was younger – but she still liked wrestling, poor thing” on TV this year.

    • Zeke says:

      I wouldn’t go as far to say that, but so far it is one of the front runners along with the Orton/Wyatt feud.

    • texaskdog says:

      Damage done? Bayley is awful. No one that bad on interviews should be on the main roster without a manager.

  4. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    Wouldn’t surprise me at all if Vince actually bailed him out.

  5. Thomas Moffatt says:

    It’s unknown at this time whether any action will be taken against WWE with regards to their breach of the Trades Description Act by describing David Otunga as a wrestling announcer.

  6. CP says:

    No word as to whether or not Jim Cornette approved of the tasering of Kevin Dunn.

    • Phil says:

      I’m going to assume he’d not only approve, but be ecstatic! He’d probably ask if there was footage of it available.

  7. Jerry says:

    Headlies: James Elsworth declared early favourite to win Smackdown Womens Money In The Bank match

  8. Caveman says:

    Why isn’t the Fashion Police on the case?

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