Headlies: All Elite Wrestling Signs Joey Ryan’s Penis Druids

6 Submitted by on Mon, 14 January 2019, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Cody Rhodes, the leader of the newly-formed All Elite Wrestling, proudly announced that they have signed Joey Ryan’s Penis Druids to a 5-year deal.

“Wrestling has a long and storied history of having wrestling phalluses,” explained Rhodes. “The Dicks, The Johnsons, JBL. Everyone was talking about the Penis Druids resurrecting Joey Ryan at All In, so it was a no-brainer to bring them on. I expect big things from this exciting new faction.”

“I’m really proud of those pricks,” said Joey Ryan. “They’re a cut above the rest and really get the thrust of the business. My druids will go hard on their opponents and pound them into submission. No one can penetrate a wrestler’s defense like they can. Their offense comes in spurts. Lots of pulling, twisting, and jerking that will eventually lead to their opponents being completely covered.

When asked about any concerns for these newcomers, Ryan said, “Stamina can be an issue. Chaffing too.”

Though not currently signed to the promotion, Ryan vows to, “Burst on to the scene as soon as this rash clears up.”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
6 Responses to "Headlies: All Elite Wrestling Signs Joey Ryan’s Penis Druids"
  1. John C says:

    Hopefully they obtain the services of the law office firm of Long, Dong & Hungwell to look over their contracts so the druids don’t get the shaft.

  2. CF says:






  3. Acolyte of Glorious La Parka~ says:

    What a bunch of dicks.

  4. JK Lee says:

    Funny enough one of them who works for one of their sponsors Pro Wrestling Tees actually did a debut match in the suit! He’s told the story (Scrump) on a podcast called upNXT that’s a part of the POST Wrestling site.

  5. saintstryfe says:

    And this is why I won’t take AEW seriously until they disavow this sort of stupid thing. You’re starting this thing up, treat it seriously. There’ll be plenty of time to hire your buddies down the road for silly business, but if they do this sort of thing like they did at All In they’ll have lost me before they could catch me. I want wrestling, not bad comedy. I can watch Fox News or WWE to laugh at people more stupid than myself.

  6. Barronmore says:

    I can’t agree more with Saintstryfe. This was by far the worst part of All In and completely turned me off of the show. Between this and the stupid talking boots segments AEW will have to have some serious world class wrestling to make me watch more then the Premiere…and I’m questioning even doing that. I get all the world class wrestling i.want from NJPW and the only one I’ll miss from the AEW group is Hangman Page. And even then I’m not heart broken over it.

    I wish them the best in the world, but I have no desire to see anything resembling the attitude era.

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