Headlies: A Visit From St. Vince

15 Submitted by on Fri, 20 December 2013, 08:00


Twas the night before Christmas,

While sitting on the couch

Not a thing on TV was stirring,

Not even an In Your House.


The official Hornswoggle stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Vince McMahon soon would be there.


The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of good wrestling danced in their heads.

And mamma in her custom Daniel Bryan snuggie, and I in my CM Punk cap,

Had just settled our brains in hopes of avoiding any Wrestlecrap.


When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the couch to see what sounded like a splatter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Ready to kick someone’s stinkin’ teeth in like Ax and Smash.


The moon shined on the freshly-fallen snow

Which gave light to the wrestling carnage below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a gaudy WWE sleigh, and sadly not just Stone Cold drinking some beer.


With a big cranky driver, wrestling’s true prince,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Vince.

More rapid than Sin Cara to the Emergency Room they came,

And he whistled, “Get the hell out here!”and called them by name!


“Now Mantaur! Now, Max Moon! Now, Meat and Adam Bomb!

On, Kama! On, Kwang! On Katie Vick and Shelton Benjamin’s mom!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Now get your asses up there or I’ll fire you all!”


Before I had a chance to ask logical questions like “What the hell?” and “Why?”

They jumped out of the sleigh faster than Yokozuna’s ‘Bonzai’.

So up to the house-top the jobbers they flew,

With the sleigh full of garbage, and of course St. Vince too.


And then, in a twinkling, I heard the sleigh’s bell

I knew this was going to be crappier than the Kennel From Hell

As I drew in my head, ready to go,

Down the chimney came Mabel, Oscar, and Mo.


They were all dressed like Doink, from their heads to their feet,

And in came St. Vince to take away their heat.

A bundle of toys, clothes, and DVDs he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a carnie, ready to dispense his Wrestlecrap.


His eyes-how they twinkled! His hair a pompadour!

His suit was pastel, his swearing uncalled-for!

His smirking mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And his chin was covered with old ICOPRO.


The wallet in his pocket was stuffed with money,

And he made some innuendo jokes, they weren’t funny.

He had a red face and always looked pissed

He shook when he laughed, like a face full of green mist!


He wanted us to watch, no matter how stupid or lame

And I laughed when I saw him, since the outcomes were always the same!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

I knew that my favorite wrestler’s push would soon be dead.


He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

Giving us things we don’t want to see, what a jerk.

We knew we should just hide or turn away,

But I love wrestling and there’s no way I’m watching TNA.

St. Vince sprang to his sleigh, to his team said “Come to me!”

And away they all flew like they were hit with the Pedigree.

But I heard him exclaim and give his fingers a snap,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good Wrestlecrap!”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
15 Responses to "Headlies: A Visit From St. Vince"
  1. Raven7309 says:


  2. RD Reynolds says:

    “And he looked like a carnie”


  3. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:


  4. Kev says:

    Actually, I hate to be ‘that guy” but Yokozuna would say “BANZAI!” Bonzai is where you prune tiny little trees.

    • Jordan Mishkin says:

      Let’s chalk it up to the Samoan guy with the Japan gimmick using the wrong Japanese word. Or maybe I just used the wrong word.

    • SaintStryfe says:

      Actually no. What ol’ Rodney was saying was “Banzai” – a more modern version of “banzei”, which literally means “10000”, a Japanese take on a traditional Chinese greeting for long life (as in live 10,000 years) for the emperor. It was popularized with the Meiji Restoration in the 1890’s, and later became a romantic battle cry of kamikazi pilots in Japanese propaganda films (as in their sacrifice would live on forever). American soldiers called last-stand charges by the Japanese “Banzai charges” based on them yelling “Tenno Heika Banzai”, “Long Live the Emperor”. It was considered an honorable alternative to capture or sepukku (ritual suicide). This is probably where WWF’s writers created Yoko’s battlecry from.

      Today it’s just a celebratory cheer.

      The art of decorative trees is “Bonsai”, notice the different spelling. It’s also very much older – the decorative art of minature trees traces back to the 7th century.

      Okay, have I schooled you all enough? Class Dismissed!

  5. John says:

    “And for all you good boys & girls I have brought you a best of Total Divas DVD. Merry Vincemas to one and all.”

  6. Thomas Moffatt says:

    No Bo Dallas reference – shame! I miss power crappings as it allowed for a good old fashion Bo Dallas directed rant…

    • Jordan Mishkin says:

      I never really watch NXT so it’s one of those “Out of sight, out of mind” deals. Maybe Bo will make an appearance in the new year…possibly in a meeting with Corporate Kane…

      • Thomas Moffatt says:

        As the handpicked future of the business by Gooker of the Year Candidates “The Authority” despite him sucking more than the star of a felatio based grumble vid…

  7. The Doctor of Style says:

    Very fun! Hard to pick a favorite line; I might have to go with the green mist one.

  8. Hugh Morrus says:

    Here’s a future Headlies for ya:

    “Not to Be Outdone By the Rock Hall, WWE Inducts the KISS Demon Into the WWE Hall of Fame”.


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