Headlies: Batista Set To Debut In Elementary School Play

15 Submitted by on Tue, 07 May 2013, 10:00


Washington, DC – After a brief Mixed Martial Arts career and various minor movie roles, former WWE Superstar Dave Batista has decided to try his hand at stage acting.

Rather than trying for Broadway, Batista will be enrolling in Mrs. Mullin’s third grade class at Janney Elementary school in Washington, DC. “After conquering the world of MMA with an undefeated record and appearing in numerous blockbuster movies, I wanted to really show my talents on stage. I’ve always loved show tunes. I’m always humming tunes from ‘Guys and Dolls’ and ‘Wicked’. I must’ve seen ‘Les Miserables’ at least 10 times. I just want to get up on that stage and entertain!

Batista will be playing ‘Tree #1’ in the school’s production of “Wash, Rinse, Recycle”, a play on the importance of recycling and the helping the environment.

“Well, it is rather unusual for a man in his forties to enroll in elementary school just to star in a play, but he just seems so determined,” said Mrs. Mullin. “In order to be in the play, David has to take classes as well. This week we’re learning long division and David is doing his best. He sometimes gets upset when he has a remainder. He does great with the kids, though. They call him ‘Big Davey’ and love playing dodgeball with him.”

Classmate Darnell Higgins said, “Big Davey is the best! He’s super strong and when we have gym class he likes to shake the climbing ropes. He does get really sad, though, when we talk about basketball. Something about them not holding grudges. He’s silly like that.”

Batista explained his unorthodox path to acting. “The movie thing isn’t working out like I’d hoped. I mean, I was in big deal movies like Scorpion King 3 and Wrong Side Of Town with RVD. I got too big too fast. I know I have to work my way up, just like when I was Leviathan in Ohio Valley Wrestling. I’ll pay my dues at Janney. Who knows? Maybe in a year or two, I’ll be doing dinner theater in Delaware. Then it’s off to the big leagues.”

When asked about his role in the play, Batista said, “I’m going to be the best darn tree ever! I’ve already memorized my line. Check it out: ‘Why don’t you make like me and leaf!’”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
15 Responses to "Headlies: Batista Set To Debut In Elementary School Play"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Someone needs to make this a reality show, pronto!

  2. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Also, long division sucks.

  3. Raven7309 says:

    So does this mean that the villian of the play would be Big Josh from WCW?

    • Walt says:

      Nope. Yukon John is the lead villan and Scott Norton will reprise his role as Flapjack Norton. A local IHOP was reportedly a sponsor, until Flapjack ate them out of business

      • Raven7309 says:

        Who the hell is Yukon John?

        • Walt says:

          Yukon John aka The Barbarian (AWA version) aka The Berserker. After some time away from the AWA as The Barbarian, Yukon John emerged claiming to be from “The Great North Woods.” He was a lumberjack. He was paired up with Scott Norton known as Flapjack Norton because his backstory was that he and John were in the lumber camp together and Flapjack Norton once ate 200 flapjacks in a single sitting

          Not long after, the AWA died.

          • Raven7309 says:

            If the AWA had decided to go with a flapjack eating contest instead of the turkey-on-a-pole match for the Team Challenge Series, I guarantee you that they would still be in existence today.

  4. Down With OPC says:


    • "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

      I so want that as a caption under the Dave in tree costume image and put on a t-shirt.

  5. John Matrix says:

    Nice to see him branching out.

  6. Jerichoholic Ninja says:

    That picture is awesome. Whoever did that deserves a round of applause.

  7. Porter "Budsgrand" Sultzbaugh says:

    If Batista were to research his family tree, would he be the sap ?

  8. TK says:

    Wow for villains how did no one mention the “Man’s man” in William Regal? Especially when the WWE.com site posted his one promo hype video where he cuts a whole forest down. That or Kane as his old Christmas Tree gimmick. Good times and kudos for ending on a Back to the Future line!

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