Headlies: Roman Reigns Somehow Wins The Women’s Royal Rumble

7 Submitted by on Mon, 29 January 2018, 08:00

Philadelphia, PA – In a shocking and bewildering turn of events, WWE Superstar Roman Reigns has become the first winner of the Women’s Royal Rumble.

Defying all the odds and universally-accepted rules, the former WWE World Heavyweight Champion captured glory despite not competing in the match and, despite the suggestions of many fans, not being a woman.

The women’s Rumble saw exciting action and unexpected returns that set the internet abuzz. As Asuka kicked Nikki Bella off the apron for the final elimination, many in the WWE Universe began speculating about who she would choose to face for her Wrestlemania matchup. Those hopes were dashed as Stephanie McMahon, who had been at ringside doing commentary, pie-faced both Asuka and the ever-pointing Ronda Rousey and made her way to the back with a camera crew in tow.

Undeterred by the “Men Only” sign, Stephanie barged through the locker room door, sending many Superstars scrambling for cover. She marched straight over to Reigns, who was still recovering from losing the men’s Royal Rumble match.

“Tough break, Big Dog,” said Stephanie, slapping his back. “We know you had your heart set on winning the Rumble, but we’ve got something better for you. You have been so wonderful and so talented this past year, that I have decided to award you the winner of the Women’s Royal Rumble!”

“Stephanie, I’m already having a hard-enough time connecting with the fans. These Philly fans would murder their own mother just so they can tell me I suck. I can’t accept this,” protest Reigns.

“You can and you will,” said her father, Vince McMahon, who emerged from the shadows.

“I can and I will,” sighed Reigns. “Wait, how long have you been standing there?”

“No time to worry about that now! We’ve got to get you on all the morning talk shows!” said McMahon, kissing Reigns’s already-moistened hair. “You’re the best women’s Royal Rumble winner this company has ever seen! So handsome! Such a good father! We’re going to ride this all the way to Wrestlemania and beyond, leaving all the losers in the dust!”

McMahon then snapped Heath Slater with a wet towel, his laughter echoing throughout the arena.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
7 Responses to "Headlies: Roman Reigns Somehow Wins The Women’s Royal Rumble"
  1. Sawney says:

    It might work if he got rid of the beard.

    • Arcane Azmadi says:

      Don’t you think divorce would be a bit extreme at this stage? What about their children?

      • Sawney says:

        They could have Bray on nanny duty while matters get sorted out. It’d be more dignified than some of what they’ve got him doing now.

  2. KatieVictoriasSecret says:

    Roman “Hervina” Reigns. Kinda has a nice ring to it…

  3. Jerry says:

    I don’t know, something in me was actually hoping for WWE doing a bit of trolling towards its hardcore fans again. Santina or Elsworth somewhere among the womens participants (could you imagine the enormous heat, Santina would get as a proper heel act these days?), or in the mans BR Hornswoggle on 30.
    Just to mess with the crowd a little.

  4. Thomas Moffatt says:

    By all accounts no lesser figure than Vincent Kennedy McMahon was ‘appalled’ by the events at the Royal Rumble and accused the bookers of bowing to the ‘non-traditional fans’ who booed John Cena and Roman Reigns in the rumble match itself.

    “What I would have done?” began the WWE’s premier senile senior citizen, “firstly, I would have had that annoying AJ Styles character drop the title to Owens and Zayn, whoever they are, because I know the traditional fans and I know they are fed up of whatshisname Styles. Then in the Rumble match I wold not have had the guy from the Orient win but I would have had a tie with Cena and Reigns announced as co-winners. We could have then had Cena beat win a handicap match to beat Flair’s record and Reigns could have gone onto Mania to destroy Reigns. But NO,” he added gripping a lowly paid backstage worker around the neck, “the bookers HAD to sell out and bow to small minority who want to see the Orient guy and AJ whoseits in a main event… Wrestlemania is gonna suck this year…”

    Kevin Dunn tried to add something but nobody really cared what he had to say.

    “The main thing,” Nipple H said, “was that the women’s rumble WAS a success. And by success, I mean it made me look good. Everyone will be talking about the women’s royal rumble and be saying ‘My didn’t Stephanie do a great job’.”

  5. It's Lori Loud! She's the leader of M.A.S.K.! says:

    Works for me. Then follow it up with the NWO running in and attacking Reigns…just when they are out of time! Tune into Raw Is War tomorrow night to find out how Roman’s gonna survive this one!

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