The Complete 2014 WrestleCrap Royal Rumble from Detroit, MI!

14 Submitted by on Sun, 19 January 2014, 21:00


The WrestleCrap Royal Rumble, where 30 men battle to be the last man standing! Participants include:


-Bass-chun BOOG-er!

-Ah-KEEM, the African Dream!

-Pack-Man Jones!

-The Gobb-ahl-dee Gooker!

-I-zik Yankem Dee Dee Ess!


-That 70’s Guy!

-The Ugandan Giant, KA-MA-LAAA!

-Alleged Space Alien Black Scor-pee-un!


-Michael Cole!

-“Pink Assassin” Blade BRAX-DUN!

-The Artist!

-SOOP-er Eric!

-Santina Mahh-rella!

-Max Moooooon!

-The Real Man’s Man!

-The Red ROO-ster!

-El Madd-a-dorrr!

-El Gee-Gahn-Tay!

-Ir-win R Shai-ster!

-Por-cha-geeze Mannawar!

-The Mizzzzzzz!

-Duke da Dump-sterr!

-The Shocccccck-massss-terrrr!

-The Stalker!

-Saba Simba!

-The Dragon

-And The Real Deal, ARR DEE REH-NULDS!

It’s time to Rumble! It’s time–FOR THA ROY-ULLL RUM-BELLLLL!


GM: Welcome, to the Joe Louis Arena, in the heart of rough-and-tumble Detroit, Michigan! Welcome to the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble! Not an empty seat left in the house; the SRO signs went out days ago!


GM: I’m Gorilla Monsoon alongside Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and have we got an action-packed night ahead of us; it promises to be explosive!

JV: You got *that* right, Monsoon! The top superstars of WrestleCrap are gearing up for the most grueling kinda match they’ll ever be a part of, the Royal Rumble match! Thirty entrants, fighting for the chance to be the last man remaining, and it’s every man for himself! But ya know, it only says that on paper; I think we both know there’ll be alliances formed within the Rumble!

GM: Certainly a strong likelihood that groups of individuals will come together in the name of survival; it’s bound to be a happening! Also, we’ll witness the debut of “Mr. Adequate” Curtis Axel, as he’ll be in action here in Detroit!

JV: Curtis Axel, “Mr. Adequate”, from my neck of the woods, the North Star State of Minnesota! I hope he doesn’t bring shame upon the 10,000 Lakes; his game had better be elevated!

GM: All of this and so much more, as we go up Howard Finkel, to kick things off!


HF: Our opening contest for the 2014 WrestleCrap Royal Rumble is scheduled for one fall! Currently in the ring, accompanied by Vince Russo, at a total combined weight of 389 lbs, the team of OAK-la-ho-maaaa…..and….David…Ar-KETT!

GM: Not a positive reception for Oklahoma and Mr. Arquette, is it, Jess?

JV: Not at all, you’d have to expect that there’s nobody more despised than these guys. They turn off more viewers than even McMahon does!

*cue “Ole Ole” by Jim Johnston*

GM: And take a listen to this response!

HF: Their opponents….accompanied by El Torito… a total combined weight of 432 lbs…..Dee-AY-go….Fer-NAN-do…..LOS…MAT-UH-DOR-ESS!


GM: This crowd on their feet for Fernando, and Diego, along with the pint-sized El Torito! They love em!

JV: Who loves em, the same people who think Sabado Gigante is a high mark in cultural achievement? These two are embarrassments, hiding behind masks! They’re not even REAL bullfighters! They’re from Puerto Rico, and bullfighting is illegal there!

GM: How many times are you going to make me try to digest this verbiage you’re spewing?

JV: Huh, I thought you prided yourself on being smart! This company is leeching off broad stereotypes, and you’re out here driving the getaway car!

GM: Well, at least I keep my salesmanship to a subtle minimum!

JV: Boy, I tell ya. If filming wasn’t delayed for the new season of Conspiracy Theory on truTV, I’d be SO out of here!

GM: Take a look at the showmanship of these men, Diego and Fernando! What a way to kick off the 2014 WrestleCrap Royal Rumble!

JV: Absolutely, keep Arquette away from the main event! The guy’s box office poison as a headliner, ya know!

GM: Looks like Oklahoma’s going to start this one off for his side, and I believe that’s Fernando for Los Matadores. Somewhat difficult to tell them apart, Jess.

JV: Well, how do you know it’s not Diego under the hood?

GM: Well, Fernando’s the taller of the two, that’s how I tell em apart. We’re under way here with this tag team action, Oklahoma with a headlock out of that collar and elbow tie-up.

JV: Oklahoma, the more powerful of the team, but that ain’t sayin’ much considering he’s partnered with David Arquette. Really cranking around the skull of Fernando!

GM: Fernando shoots him off into the ropes, aww, what a nice leapfrog–single leg, floats over into his own headlock!

JV: Beautiful wrestling from Fernando there, almost poetic in its execution. Makes you forget he’s been shoehorned into this getup!

GM: Oklahoma sends Fernando into the ropes, ducks the clothesline–ohh, was there a tag? Diego slingshots in with a dropkick, what a beauty!

JV: Good team work between the members of Los Matadores. They’re certainly too quick for this tub of guts!

GM: Diego–aww, nice headscissors! And Russo beginning to lose his cool at ringside!

JV: Well, he’s not used to seeing his ‘creations’ look inferior to the ‘rasslin’ that he abhors so much! If his team loses here tonight, you can bet your bottom dollar he’ll use the low buyrate to justify his cause!

GM: David Arquette tagged into the match now.

JV: Yeah, this will turn the tide. The only way he’s getting’ into USA Today these days is if he buys ad space!

GM: Arquette, awkwardly trying to lock up with Diego, Diego takes him down with a single-leg, floats over into his own headlock.

JV: Boy, does Arquette look lost!

GM: Tag made, Fernando off the rope, NICE double sledge as Diego holds him in place! It’s been all Los Matadores in the early going!

JV: Doesn’t surprise me, in an actual wrestling match, nothing from the mind of Vince Russo stands up to–

GM: Wow, what a swinging DDT from Diego, and Arquette is laying in a heap!

JV: David Arquette looks like a rag doll in the corner as Diego goes back on the–wait, what’s this?

GM: The referee keeping Diego at bay. I don’t think Arquette’s moved, Jess!

JV: We could have an injury here. No surprise, given that Arquette isn’t even a trained wrestler! If you’re going to use an untrained performer, you need to disguise the match to his weaknesses, especially if there’s publicity at stake!

GM: The referee, throwing up the ‘X’ signal, this doesn’t look good at all.

JV (whispery voice): David Arquette, he just wanted to entertain, to be a sports entertainer.

GM (whispery voice): He has a family, and our thoughts are going out to them, which should be conveyed through these whispers which have become commonplace for even storyline injuries.

JV (whispery voice): We just hope his family will be able to endure as EMTs tend to David Arquette. Did Diego intend to actually injure David Arquette? My team and I will investigate, this season on Conspiracy Theory.

GM (whispery voice): Will you please? What a fountain of misinformation you are.

JV (whispery voice): Hey, we seek the truth in–HEY.

GM: Arquette just sprung to life and rolled up Diego! Only for a count of two!

JV: That was a swerve by Russo! Look at him laughing it up!

GM: We all felt sympathy for David Arquette, and then he flushes the goodwill away for just a simple shock gag! Give me a break!

JV: Well, he felt the match needed it, and given that he’s involved, I can’t argue with it. He’s got little else in his bag of tricks!

GM: Tag made to Oklahoma, who bowls over Diego with a running shoulder block. Boy, he nearly turned him inside out!

JV: Russo’s getting impatient at ringside. I think this whole ‘tag formula’ thing is wearing thin on his attention span, Monsoon.

GM: Oklahoma to the middle rope, this is more than high risk by his standards–ooh, he missed the splash!

JV: Oklahoma hits the deck and misses his target! Diego managed to roll away, he has got to tag out to Fernando!

GM: Russo, very irate as Oklahoma tries to stop Di–HE MAKES THE TAG!

JV: Fernando springs in, and is doing a number on Oklahoma with those rights and lefts! Ooh, and a spinning kick to the chops!

GM: Fernando over, knocks Arquette off the apron, he’s got complete control here!

JV: Headscissors takeover on Oklahoma, he’s got to be careful not to lose that control! Russo, what’s Russo doing?!

GM: Russo signaling to the entrance way, I’m not–who is that?

JV: That’s Chuck Palumbo, Gorilla!

GM: Who?!

JV: He’s….alright, you know how Lex Luger was a thing, and then Russo tried to rip him off by making a carbon copy?

GM: ……

JV: Anyway, Palumbo—oooooh, he just hit El Torito with a flexy bar!

GM: What a disgusting act THAT was by this Chuck Palumbo character! And now he and Diego are fighting it out on the floor!

JV: This is right up Russo’s alley, a bunch of outside interference that nobody cares about!

GM: Fernando distracted by the sudden diversion–OHHH, did you see what Oklahoma just did?

JV: Yeah, he hit Fernando right in the stones!

GM: Oklahoma going for the cover–ooh, Diego jumped in and made the save! That was close!

JV: It looks like Diego managed to take down Palumbo at ringside, and now Diego and Oklahoma going at it! Ref’s lost control of this one!

GM: He’s trying to get in there and break it up–aww, Arquette dives into the scrum, and they all go down, including referee Joey Marella!

JV: Ha! Those Marellas aren’t very sturdy, are they?

GM: It’s about to break down much worse, I’m afraid, as Diego choking the life out of Arquette on the canvas.

JV: Yeah, putting the squeeze on him worse than Courtney Cox’s divorce attorney!

GM: Russo, appears to be gesturing back to that entrance way, I wonder–is that Tank Abbott?!

JV: That IS Tank Abbott, former UFC heavyweight fighter!

GM: Abbott running in there, he’s unloading on Diego!

JV: This is a whole lot to take in for the opening match of the Royal Rumble! Doesn’t this lunkhead know how to pace an event?!

GM: Abbott floors Diego with a huge uppercut! That may have concussed him!

JV: Diego laid out as Fernando trying to get a piece, but I don’t think he’s–WOAH!

GM: Did Fernando just rip Abbott’s nipple ring out?!

JV: That’s what he did; a leftover from his days as a boy band groupie!

GM: Tank Abbott dropkicked through the ropes. Holy mackerel, this is getting crazy! And we’ve still got no referee!

JV: Yeah, what’s up with Joey Marella, does Vitamin D deficiency run in his family?

GM: Fernando sets up Arquette–a backstabber and a beauty! But there’s no referee, and besides, Arquette isn’t the legal man!

JV: Russo’s gettin’ in there!

GM: Russo’s breaking up the pin, with–what?! Those are some of the worst looking punches I’ve ever seen!

JV: Fernando’s dignity is taking more of a beating for having to pretend they have an effect!

GM: Uh-oh, Fernando stalking after Russo, who suddenly wants no part of Los Matadores! I hope this walking advertisement for birth control gets his just desserts!

JV: I agree, this match needs some semblance of order, and taking Russo out of the equation would–hey, wouldja look at this?!

GM: That’s La Parka, running toward the ring, and he’s armed with a steel chair!

JV: The Chairman of WCW hits the ring, ooh, and Fernando turns just in time, before he could get whacked!

GM: Why’s he helping Russo?! He’s not a creation by that creep, he’s–WOAH!


GM: La Parka swerved Russo! He just nailed Russo with the chair–AND THERE’S A THUNDEROUS SHOT FOR OKLAHOMA!

JV: La Parka’s gone rogue! Fine by me, he’s too good to be labeled as WrestleCrap in the fir–he’s taking the hood off!

GM: So much going on at once, and now the mask–HOLY SMOKES!



GM: Marella’s come to as Fernando as Oklahoma covered–HE GOT EM!

JV: What a mess that entire match was! But if anyone can save a train wreck from itself, it’s Jim Ross! Nobody else comes close, and time has proven it!

GM: Let’s get the official word!

HF: Here are your winners, Dee-AY-go….Fer-NAN-do…..LOS…MAT-UH-DOR-ESS!

GM: Let’s go back and show you how this all went down!

JV: Well, there ain’t no way I’m rewatching the entire match, but you see Jim Ross, dressed as La Parka, crack Oklahoma’s globe-sized cranium with the chair, and that’s all Fernando needed to score the pin, after all of that convoluted garbage!

GM: And go figure, Vince Russo gets beat the very thing he abhors more than wrestling itself, and that’s Latinos in masks! Earlier on today, the participants in tonight’s Royal Rumble match took part in the random drawing; let’s show you some of that footage!


(Scorpion struts up to the tumbler)


(Tumbler stops, Scorpion pulls a number)



M (smiling politely): Stop it right there, please. You guys do a good job keeping all of this organized!

(Miz pulls number, reads it)

M (arrogantly): OHHH YEAHH! AWEEEEESOMMMME! Mr. Must See is gonna win this one! All the haters can bow down!

(Miz walks off, still smug)


(Matador patiently waits as the tumbler stops. He pulls a number, reads it glumly, and shows the attendant)

A: Wow, I’m sorry, sir.

EM: No worries, this is how the late 80s went for me.


IRS: We collect ourselves, before we collect the visceral pay of the others! The Hell we unleash is in numeric form, waiting for our part in extraction!

(Attendant spins the tumbler, then slowly stops it. IRS reaches in, and pulls out a number, then grimaces upon reading it)

IRS (to Mantaur): Here is your slot, my son.

(IRS draws another, and seems confident in the number, nodding. He then pulls a third, and goes to hand it to Heidenreich, before doing a double take, and handing him the second number he pulled)

IRS: This is but a small part of happenstance. We WILL….unleash the fury of the United States Government on this ungrateful populace, for its our duty to trim this landscape of its dissenting weeds!

(turns to Mantaur)

IRS: And stop moping; you’re the heaviest of the three, my child.

GM: Wow, a lot of interesting developments at the drawing earlier today. What number do you think Irwin R. Schyster got?

JV: Well, we know it’s gotta be better than what Mantaur and Heidenreich were given, and we know Mantaur ain’t happy about his! The Miz seemed quite happy as well.

GM: We’re gonna have some more video of the drawings from this afternoon coming up shortly, but for now, let’s go back up to Howard Finkel!

*cue “Gonna Punch Someone Tonight” by Jim Johnston and David Church*

HF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Approaching the ring, from Austell, GA, weighing in at 206 lbs, Jimmy….Wang…..YANG!


GM: Jimmy Wang Yang, another newcomer here at WrestleCrap, very proud of his rebel roots, highly in touch with his heritage!

JV: Now wait a minute, Monsoon, this is Jimmy Yang! He’s of Korean descent, and you’re going to tell me that he’s a redneck from the land of Dixie?

GM: I’m afraid your mistaken, Jesse; Mr. Wang Yang here has rediscovered his roots and is openly embracing them!

JV: Hah, you’ve lost it! That’s Jimmy Yang, for crying out loud! Do you know what you call a guy who looks like him in a Georgia watering hole?

GM: What’s that?

JV: A tourist!

GM: Will you be serious….Yang making some friends here in Detroit, they’d love to see what this young man is made of.

JV: He’s a tremendous high flyer with great quickness and agility. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by his athleticism.

*cue “Reborn” by CFO$*

HF: His opponent…..from Minneapolis, MN, weighing 228 lbs…..”MIS-ter Add-uh-quit”….Currrrtissss….AX-el!


GM: Finally, we get to see what this youngster, Mr. Adequate, brings to the table here in a WrestleCrap ring!

JV: Well, hopefully, it goes better than his attempts at sports in those videos we’ve been seeing every week. First, he misses the overhead basketball shot, then he hurts his shoulder throwing the horseshoe, and then he was thrown out of the mini-putt for smashing the free game set-up in a fit of rage!

GM: How about when he was clay-shooting and he brought down the hang glider by mistake?

JV: Yeah, he had to admit under oath that he had really bad aim, and that he isn’t homicidal.

GM: We’ll see if he’s as adequate as he claims to be; he says he does just enough to get by successfully. He’s going to need every bit of that good-enough-for-government-work acumen in this one.

JV: He also needs to be quick; Yang can come atcha from any angle, and he loves those high risk moves. This could be a sleeper match here, Gino.

GM: Bell’s gone, and we’re under way here in the Joe Louis Arena. Jockeying for position, into a collar and elbow tie-up, Yang with a twist of the arm, really torquing it, the humerus and scapula being ground together….

JV: In other words, he’s hurting the arm, right?

GM: Arm and shoulder, absolutely.

JV: I thought so. Adequate hasn’t escaped it yet.

GM: Yang now, putting the pressure on, what’s he–WOAH, WHAT A MOVE THAT WAS!

JV: Jimmy Wang Yang just stepped up the ropes, performed a backflip, and armdragged Adequate over! That was an IMPRESSIVE move!

GM: Another arm drag, and Mr. Adequate rolls to the outside! What a great showing for young Jimmy Wang Yang in the early going!

JV: Adequate trying to get some feeling back in that arm; Yang not only worked it over with consummate wrestling ability, but added insult to injury with a dazzling flourish.

GM: Referee Earl Hebner’s up to about five or six on the count; I think Mr. Adequate’s taking ev–LOOK OUT!

JV: WOAH, Yang off the top with a spinning dive! Almost like a corkscrew, he crashes into Mr. Adequate, who took his eye off da ball!

GM: Yang back into the ring, soaking up the cheers of this capacity crowd! They love it!

JV: Mr. Adequate can’t even escape the starting blocks; Jimmy Wang Yang has done a number on him from the start, and he needs to shake this off in a hurry.

GM: Mr. Adequate to the apron, he still looks dazed–Yang slingshots him back in! Excuse me, that’ll make sure you’re paying attention!

JV: This isn’t looking good for Mr. Adequate; he’s completely off his game, and Yang is outsmarting him every step of the way.

GM: Mr. Adequate sent into the ropes-OHH. Yang tried for that spinning roundhouse kick, and Adequate hooked the ropes!

JV: Finally, he gets an opening. Mr. Adequate on the attack, series of stomps!

GM: Really laying in those boots; they don’t have to be pretty or astounding; they just have to pave the road to victory.

JV: Absolutely, and Mr. Adequate is turning this into a clinic in stomping! It may be tiring for us to watch, but in the context of winning a match, it’s good psychology!

GM: Adequate to the canvas, really grinding that forearm across the kisser of Wang Yang.

JV: Now would be a good time to remind everyone that we return to national television on Friday night, February 7, for The Meme Event, live from Buffalo!

GM: Absolutely, mark the date on your calendars, The Meme Event is sure to be a television event for the ages! Back to action, Mr. Adequate’s working on a reverse chinlock, a classic weardown hold.

JV: And not just for Jimmy Wang Yang, either!

GM: This capacity crowd, they sympathize with poor Jimmy Wang Yang, as the air and energy is slowly being drained from his body. He needs to do something to stay conscious here; escaping this hold would be on that to-do list.

JV: Yang’s fighting it, he’s not going to let Mr. Adequate end it this way. Trying to bridge up!

GM: Yang pushing off of the heels, he’s trying to slide Adequate’s hands off–

JV: He escapes!

GM: Jimmy Wang Yang out of the hold, ducks the clothesline–ohh, and Adequate with a knee to the breadbasket!

JV: After all of that, we’re about to inject some life into this bout, and Adequate knocks the wind back out of Yang, a microcosm of this arena at large!

GM: Adequate with a cover, gets only two; I have to question him not hooking the leg.

JV: Definitely a rookie mistake, you hook that leg, and hook both if you can. That appears to be the only ‘basic’ Mr. Adequate hasn’t mastered yet.

GM: Adequate headed up top, this is a bit surprising.

JV: PLEASANTLY surprising! A high-risk move as he’s got Yang in a bad way!

GM: Yang slowly to his feet, Adequate–he steps down to the middle rope, and comes off with a simple axe-handle!

JV: Ehhh, I give him credit for trying.

GM: Adequate with the cover….two count is all, although he did hook the leg this time.

JV: He’s going back to that chinlock, which I can’t fault him for. I think he’s making me develop Stockholm Syndrome, Monsoon.

GM: Mr. Adequate trying to cinch up the–no, he’s struggling-WOW, what a counter by Yang!

JV: Yang managed to slide out, and threw an overhead kick that caught Mr. Adequate right in the chops!

GM: Yang’s found that something extra deep inside, and he’s got Adequate rocked! Ducks the right hand–hard kick to the solar plexus!

JV: Yang off the ropes, this could be big–

GM: Spinning wheel kick connects! Cover, he hooks the leg–no, only two!

JV: Ooooh, that was close, Gorilla! Yang needs to stay on em!

GM: Yang sets up now, a piledriver perhaps–no, Adequate with the backdro–oh, Yang lands on his feet!

JV: What agility!

GM: Yang off that middle rope–BEAUTIFUL moonsault press! Can he get ’em?! Naw, only two!

JV: Boy, Yang’s really digging into that bag of tricks of his.

GM: Pulling out all the stops in this one is Jimmy Wang Yang–WOW, a crescent kick finds its mark, and Mr. Adequate falls to the outside!

JV: I know Yang’s a competitive guy, but I think he could get a countout victory here after THAT shot! No way Mr. Adequate finds his faculties in time!

GM: Well, Yang’s headed up top; he’s not content to win in any sort of tainted fashion.

JV: Death from above if he connects on this!

GM: Adequate can’t even get to his feet; he’s on Dream Street after that kick and ensuing landing. Yang sets up–OHHH, Adequate got a foot up!

JV: Yang tried to dive onto him, and Adequate put the sole of his boot into Yang’s jaw! It was his only defense, I think, and a good veteran move!

GM: Now it’s Yang who’s in la la land right now, as Adequate trying to pull himself up using the apron.

JV: He’s rolling back in; now it’s Yang who’s tasked with beating the count! You don’t suppose we’ll see Axel jump off the turnbuckle to the floor, do ya?

GM: I doubt that very much!

JV: Yang still unable to get to his feet, and Hebner’s up to six!

GM: We could very well have a countout here, which appears to sit well with Mr. Adequate! Now we’re up to eight, Yang trying to get steady!

JV: Count’s at nine, he’s not going to make–

GM: Yang’s back in there!

JV: Wow, that was as close as close can be, Gorilla! Mr. Adequate looks frustrated, he thought he had the match won right there!

GM: Adequate now, going for that patented Adequate Arch, trying to lock the finger–no, Yang with an inside cradle! He only gets two!

JV: Wow, Jimmy Wang Yang making this match more exciting than it had any right bein’!

GM: Adequate—takes a running knee to the face, and he’s down and out!

JV: Jimmy Wang Yang could have him right here, but he’s going back to the top rope! What’s he have in mind?

GM: Yang perched up top—ooh, he misses!

JV: He tried for that twisting moonsault of his, and Mr. Adequate was able to roll out of harm’s way! The risk didn’t pay off!

GM: Jimmy Wang Yang clutching his ribs, he took a hard landing when he hit the canvas–OHH, LOOK OUT!

JV: Mr. Adequate plants Yang with a running one-hand neckbreaker, one of his specialties that required moderate thinking outside the box! Caught him good with it!

GM: He’s got the leg looked, he’s got him! Mr. Adequate wins it!

JV: What a debut for Mr. Adequate, Curtis Axel! What he lacked in scintillation, he made up for with success!

HF: Here is your winner…..”MIS-ter Add-uh-quit”….Currrrtissss….AX-el!

GM: Let’s go back and show you how this went down!

JV: We see Jimmy Wang Yang head up top after putting Adequate down with the running knee, and he misses the move known as Yang Time! Yang is unable to stop Adequate from trudging up with the head-turning one-arm neckbreaker, and that’s all Mr. Adequate needed to reign supreme in his debut at the Royal Rumble!

GM: Mr. Adequate Curtis Axel, impressive in certain aspects! But right now, we’re going to take you back to earlier this afternoon, and see how a number of other superstars fared in the Royal Rumble drawing!



GG: Gobble gobble gobble……gobble?

(Gooker reaches into tumbler, pulls number and reads)


(Black Scorpion runs in)


(Officials separate The Black Scorpion and The Gobbledy Gooker)


S: Spin em up homes, we gotsa get back to mo’ important ac-tiv-a-teeeee!

(Attendant spins the tumbler three times)

S: Big man, getcho self the winnin’ numba!

(Akeem reaches in, pulls one number out, and opens it before he and Slick’s eyes)



(Yankem stands patiently as the barrel is rolled, which the attendant slows to a stop)

IY (pointing at the hatch): Open WIDE.

(Attendant opens the hatch and Yankem pulls a number, which is to his stoic satisfaction)

IY (at moderate volume while walking off): Vote Rand Paul.


Attendant: Anyone else coming? I’m gonna take a break if–


(Shockmaster falls into the frame off camera and knocks the tumbler over, scattering the plastic balls everywhere)

Ole Anderson (off-camera): He’s paid by appearance, right? We can cut em loose?

GM: Holy smokes, did you see Shockmaster knock over the number barrel?! Give me a break!

JV: Yeah, his balance ain’t real good, but did you see Gooker get accused of taking Black Scorpion’s wallet? I don’t get why Scorpion’d be upset, it’s probably empty!

GM: Well, Isaac Yankem seemed pretty satisfied with his number at least.

JV: Yeah, did you hear em utter Rand Paul’s name? Rand’s got good bloodlines!

GM: Things are getting very interesting as we head into the Royal Rumble match itself, which will take place just a short time from now, there’s no telling who–

*cue “Million Dollar Rap” by Jimmy Hart and John J. Maguire*

GM: Wait a minute! That’s familiar music, Jess!

JV: It is, but why are we hearing it now when–what the?

GM: Who is THAT?! I recognize Virgil, but who’s the guy with the hat and suit?!

JV: I know who it is!

GM: Who?!

JV: That’s Sean Carless! He’s been associated with WrestleCrap in the past, the deviant Canadian guy!

GM: That IS Carless! Mel Phillips and Terry Garvin warned me about this piece of work!

JV: What’s he doing here, and why does he have Virgil with him?

GM: He’s making his way over to the staging area, I think we’re going to find out shortly what Sean Carless and Virgil are doing here!


SC: Well…..allow me to introduce myself, for those of you lowlifes that don’t recognize me; my name is Sean Carless, but none of you dungaree-wearing peons are fit to refer to me by my given name, eh. “Mr. Carless” would be a little more fitting for all of you, but if you wish to comment on my wealth and radiance, I do like the moniker, “The Million Loonie Man!” YA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA, EH!

GM (to Jesse): Did he just say “The Million Loonie Man”?!

JV (to Gorilla): Well, yeah, he IS Canadian. I didn’t know he was rich, though.

SC: Now, I’m sure all of you are wondering how I acquired my newfound wealth. Let’s just say that when the woman whose services you’ve acquired one night is an international criminal that INTERPOL is looking for, and the feds bust in, and you inexplicably yell out, “I was distracting her for you!”, there tends to be a $20 million dollar reward that finds its way into your bank account! And although Lucya is a dangerous assassin, I’ll never forget the sensual aroma she’d left on my tattered GoBots bed sheets, eh.

GM: I’m lost; is there a point here?

SC: Now, as it pertains to me being here in a WrestleCrap venue, I’ve decided to once again pursue my love of all things terrible in wrestling. That’s why I hired Virgil here to be my bodyguard; it just so happens he and I panhandle under the same bridges! Well, *used to*, in my case. But tonight, I figured this would be a golden opportunity to make my grand return, not mention show off my wealth in the process, eh? Who among us would like to make some money?!

JV: That brought the crowd to life, didn’t it?

SC: I’ve got money to give away, but it’s only….ONLY….if you do the job right. You see, I don’t buy humiliation; I buy mental anguish, which is just the sort of thing that brings an odd sort of smile to my face, eh. Let’s see…..for 500 Canadian dollars, who would like to come up here and earn it?

GM: Jesse, sit down.

SC: This gentleman right over here looks primed to make a little money here tonight. Come on up, sir, step right up.

GM: Look at the tattoos on this guy, Jess.

JV: Yeah, looks like an organic comic book. I wonder what he’d spend the money on?

SC: Step right on over here sir; what’s your name?

Fan: Dustin

SC: And where are you from there, Dustin?

Fan: I flew in from Denver, Colorado.

SC: Wow, that’s some flight. How’d you like to make up the cost of those airline tickets right now?

Fan: I’d like that; that’d be great, sure.

SC: Alright, here’s the deal: I’m going to show you a piece of paper, it’s a document. Your job is to look over this document for 15 seconds, just 15 seconds, and avoid having a psychological breakdown, eh. If you do this, it’s 500 Canadian dollars for you! Do you understand what you have to do, eh?

Fan: Absolutely, I got it.

SC: Virgil, give em the document. Let’s all count together, aaaaand—go! One one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand, four on–OHH!

GM: That fan just crumpled to the ground!

JV: He didn’t last four seconds! What could that thing have read?!

SC: Oh, I am SO sorry, Dustin. The document was Brooke Hogan’s per-appearance agreement with TNA. I’m going to assume your eyes locked on the dollar amount, eh! Are you okay there, Dustin?

Fan: ………..

SC: Well, he’s going to need some medical assistance, I do believe, but he’ll have to pay for it out of pocket, because he DOESN’T. GET. THE. MONEY! But it DOES go to show you, what you will all accept over time….EVERYONE’S GOT A PRICE…..FOR THE MILLION LOONIE MAN! YA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

GM: “The Million Loonie Man” Sean Carless, he may have just caused a lifetime of mental anguish for that young fan!

JV: Hey, he wanted 500 Canadian dollars, and he took his chance at it! Do you actually think Carless was going to make it easy on the guy?

GM: We’re gonna need some help for this youngster from Denver, as Sean Carless and Virgil callously walk over his twitching body! How disgusting!

JV: Hey, life ain’t easy. For 500 Canadian dollars, he should have had to help Virgil set up his gimmick table at the bus station!

GM: Speaking of money, we’ve got quite the event to tell you folks at home about. WrestleCrapMania, the grandest stage of them all, will be coming into your living rooms, on Sunday, March 30, from the sold out Trump Plaza in Atlantic City, New Jersey!


JV: Atlantic City, my kinda town, on March 30! WrestleCrap turns 14 years old that week, but this will be the first of its kind, an event that highlights the worst in wrestling, like nothing you’ve ever seen before!

GM: You have to figure the winner of tonight’s WrestleCrap Royal Rumble would be a major part of WrestleCrapMania, but right now, this historic event is a clean slate, Jess.

JV: Absolutely, only the best and brightest are going to make it to WrestleCrapMania, and tonight’s Royal Rumble match will be an audition of sorts. The winner will certainly go, but he won’t be alone.

GM: Mark the date on your calendar, Sunday, March 30, don’t get left out in the cold. It’s WrestleCrapMania, and it will be a happening! Let’s go up to Howard Finkel!

HF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Currently in the ring, accompanied by Mortimer Plumtree, from Parts Unknown, at a total combined weight of 608 lbs, here are Richard and Rod….the JOHN-sons!


GM: Take a look at THESE two!

JV: If you choke em, do they spit on ya?

GM: Will you be serious!

*cue “Don’t Go Messin’ With a Country Boy” by Hillbilly Jim*

GM: Listen to this capacity crowd!

HF: Their opponents, accompanied to the ring by Hillbilly Jim, from Bitters, AR, at a total combined weight of 573 lbs, Henry and Phineas….the GOD-winns!

GM: This crowd of 18,735 on their feet for Henry and Phineas, proud hog farmers all the way from Bitters, Arkansas!

JV: Monsoon, these people may be morons, but only the children are actively cheering these buffoons! And even some of them are waiting to see if John Cena comes out and waxes poetic about fecal matter!

GM: Do you really think our fans are as unintelligent as you claim?

JV: Hey, listen to em scream when Blade Braxton and Real Deal Reynolds come out here later. That’ll be the barometer.


GM: That’ll come up much later on, but in the meantime, we’ve got ourselves a barn dance inside the squared circle! I love it!

JV: You do, do you?

GM: Absolutely.

JV: These rednecks make me sick, especially if I wind up standing downwind of any of ’em. It’s bad enough that I had to attend Uncle Elmer’s wedding, but Hillbilly has to find more of these yokels to bring into the ring!

GM: I’ll have you know, Jess, that Henry and Phineas are both accomplished wrestlers, and they’re both powerful competitors.

JV: Well yeah, tossing bales of hay around will make anyone strong. But they ain’t real accomplished mat technicians, ya know.

GM: Neither were you!

JV: Hey, some of us COULD get by on our looks.

GM: Yeah, good thing, huh?

JV (ignoring): Looks like Henry, the smarter one if you can believe it, will be starting this one off against….which one is that, Richard or Rod?

GM: I believe that’s Rod. Rod’s the shorter one by about an inch.

JV (stifling a chuckle): Alright, so be it!

GM: Henry and Rod locking up—ohh, what a show of strength, Rod gets sent firmly to the canvas! Overpowered right from the start!

JV: Wow, did Henry Godwinn introduce Rod Johnson to the canvas or what? You can’t match power with these Godwinns; they probably play catch with goats.

GM: Why on Earth would you do *that*?

JV: Just seems like something they’d be prone to doing, that’s all!

GM: Rod quickly tags out to Richard, and Henry Godwinn now will tangle with the larger Johnson.

JV (chortling): Yeah, he’s gonna need all his strength to handle this one.

GM: Richard off the ropes–woah, a double shoulderblock and neither man budges!

JV: What’s that saying of yours, Monsoon?

GM: The irresistible force, meeting the immovable object, as Richard off the ropes again–ohh, and Godwinn trips him with a low bridge! Two count is all he could get!

JV: A clever move by Henry Godwinn there, now tagging in Phineas. Phineas is the more rambunctious one, I take it.

GM: Absolutely, as Phineas going to work, a series of right hands, look at em, he’s out of control!

JV: Referee Dick Kroll needs to step in there before Phineas goes–he just knocked Rod off the apron!

GM: Henry Godwinn running in to try and calm Phineas down, he was getting carried away for sure, and they don’t want–

*cue “Muy Loco” by Jim Johnston*

GM: What the–?

JV: What is that?

GM: The Godwinns look as confused as we are, somebody’s music is playing. An odd occurrence to have during–

JV: Hey, look!


GM: What is THAT?!?!

JV: That’s the Mexicools, Monsoon! They’ve come to WrestleCrap!

GM: What are these three individuals doing, and why are they on an oversized lawn mower?

JV: It looks like they’ve come to get a closer look at the tag teams here in WrestleCrap, scouting them as it were!

GM: Ohh, look out, Rod tagged in behind Phineas’ back, and now he’s on the attack! Takes him down, now laying in those axe handles to the back. The Johnsons have taken control of this one after a very slow start. We see this trio looking on; I don’t even know their names, Jess.

JV: You don’t know em? That’s Juventud Guerrera in the driver’s seat, with Super Crazy and Psicosis with the sunglasses behind him! They’re three world-class luchadores, Monsoon!

GM: Oh, excuse me. Have they ever been on Coliseum Video? I highly doubt it!

JV: Ugh, you and your Coliseum Video. Rod, wow, he just throated Phineas across that top rope, and there’s a tag to Richard!

GM: Richard Johnson with Phineas, looks to be applying an abdominal stretch. Really cinching back on the arm–look, he doesn’t have the toe wrapped around! He doesn’t have the proper pressure on! Give me a break!

JV: It’s a very loose variation of the abdominal stretch, and Phineas is trying to fight out of it….he hip tosses Richard Johnson!

GM: Phineas needs to make a tag, as we see the Mexicools looking on, wonder what in particular has their attention.

JV: Richard tags back out to Rod, and it looks like Rod’s going to cut off–

GM: No, he makes the tag to Henry!

JV: Henry Godwinn in, and he’s firing away on Rod Johnson! Big lefts and rights!

GM: Rod sent into the ropes, and a big backdrop, nice throw from Henry! He covers–only a count of two!

JV: Henry Godwinn gets only two, but he’s got Rod Johnson figuratively on the ropes here. Could be setting up for that Slop Drop!

GM: Godwinn with a scoop and a slam, and there’s the hog call, woo-pig-sooie! I think that’s the signal!

JV: He might be telegraphing this, I’m not–Mortimer Plumtree to the apron!

GM: Get that little runt out of here!

JV: Hey, Godwinn’s the one allowing himself to be distracted! He doesn’t have–

GM: Ohhh, Hillbilly just yanked Plumtree to the arena floor! Not on my watch, he says as–ohh, Richard Johnson in to go after Henry!

JV: And now Phineas is joining in; it’s out of control here!

GM: All four men in the ring fighting it out, and Hillbilly and Mortimer outside exchanging words! Referee’s simply lost of control of this one.

JV: Who’re the legal men?

GM: Henry Godwinn, and I believe Rod Johnson, they’re the–wait, what’s this?

JV: The Mexicools are making their way toward the ring, apparently to get a closer look!

GM: Juventud, and I guess that’s Super Crazy, making their way over to where Hillbilly is, I don’t like where this is going.

JV: Phineas clotheslines Richard up and over, now he sees what’s going on and he’s running out there!

GM: Phineas Godwinn running over to back up Hillbilly–what’s *he* doing?!

JV: Psicosis to the top rope, Dick Kroll’s tied up with the confrontation!

GM: OHHH! He went for a missile dropkick on Henry and missed, getting Rod Johnson right in the kisser!

JV: Psicosis missed and Henry disposes of him!

GM: Henry Godwinn with Rod Johnson–SLOP DROP! Kroll turns around and counts, you can forget about it! It’s over!

JV: The Godwinns are victorious after The Mexicools’ interference backfires!

HF: Here are your winners….The GOD-winns!

GM: The Godwinns, victorious here at the Royal Rumble, but with an unwilling assist via The Mexicools, who clearly had them targeted! Let’s go back and show you how this all went down!

JV: In all of the confusion, Psicosis heads to the top rope, and he’s got his sights set on Henry Godwinn. The dropkick misses, Rod Johnson takes the blow, and here we see ol’ Hank flatten him with the Slop Drop! Really bent Rod with it, too!

GM: A whole lot of action packed into just a few minutes there, but the next match-up will certainly last much, much longer, the Royal Rumble match.

JV: Absolutely, the 30 man Royal Rumble is up next, and there’s a whole of pride and honor at stake. To be the last man remaining over 29 fallen opponents, what a feather in the cap that is!

GM: Earlier on today, a number of participants took the time to give us their thoughts on the upcoming Royal Rumble match! Let’s take a look at what they had to say!


BB: OOOOOOOH YEEEEEAH! Bein’ in the Royal Rumble is the life of a masochist in denial, yeah. The pain you endure in your bones only fuels the resolve in your mind, and my mind is telling me to be a tornado, yessir, be a tornado. I’m gonna extend my arms and power myself by believin’ in myself, and I’m gonna wreck everything not tied down, and POSSIBLY a few things that ARE tied down, yes I will, and when I survey the damage at my feet and in the trees, I’ll show zero remorse for the merciless of Mother Nature Braxton yeah! There’s only one Pink Assassin, yeah, and he’s got the mind fueled by nature. Schyster Family, your crimes against nature deserve an appropriate punishment yeah, and Blade Braxton’s tellin’ YA…..hold onto your tree stumps and your shanty floors, because the fury of the storm… gonna sweep you into the clouds, and Blade Braxton’s winnin’ the Royal Rumble! OOOOOOOOH YEAH!


MM: Being in the Royal Rumble, it may be daunting for lesser men, but it’s a doddle for The Real Man’s Man. I’ve grown up fighting, and I’ve turned away many a brawl with my right narked eyes, but for those who don’t have that luxury, I’ll be introducing your choppers to the fiercest left hand you’ve ever chowed upon. If you have a hope in Hell of winning the Royal Rumble, you’d better hope I’m long gone.


DD: In the Royal Rumble, it’s all about dumpin’ the trash out of the ring! Well who does that better, than Duke “The Dumpster” Droese? My whole life is about disposal, and in the Rumble, I’ll be disposing of 29 bags of garbage over those ropes, and I will be the last blue collar man standing!


PJ: I’m obligated contractually to say ten words. Here they are.


SE: What does it take to win The WrestleCrap Royal Rumble? Superpowers, that’s what. You need to be able to lift strong men, outrun speedy opponents, and soar high over the competition! I feel uniquely qualified to do just that in tonight’s Royal Rumble match. Justice will prevail, rights will be wronged, and Super Eric will stand tall as the PROUD….hero to millions!


MC: Can I have your attention please? Hashtag easy victory! You know what’s trending on Twitter right now? Me, winning the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble. I’m already the best broadcaster in WrestleCrap, but I’m ALSO the best wrestler. Well, second, only to The Miz, but I’m not far off of his must-see stylings! Anyway, I’m gonna kick so much butt tonight, you’re gonna see guys succumb to anal bleeding!


RD: They say it can’t be done by mere mortals, you can’t take down the entire Schyster Family, and win the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble! To all the doubters, who shake their heads with skepticism, you can stand off to the side and steer clear of the mayhem that’ll no doubt ensue, but to those doubters, leave the mayhem to myself! To win the Royal Rumble, you know from the start that the odds are not on your side, and that’d be enough to discourage the weak! But the strong, like myself and brother Blade Braxton, we do not go quiety! We go loud, and we go proud! The Schyster Family intends to be the roadblock that robs both of us of our chance to win, but they will be struck down like the human sewage they are, leaving just The Bladester and myself! Only one can win, so I wish Blade the best of luck! But until then, watcha gonna do, when this reasonably fit frame for a forty-something year old, rumbles over youuuuuuuu!

GM: Wow, a lot of confidence being displayed from some of the entrants in tonight’s Royal Rumble contest. Of course, the majority of them will be sorely disappointed!

JV: Hey, that’s the nature of this kinda match; only one winner, and a whole lotta losers!

GM: Everything’s been said that needs to be said; let’s go up to Howard Finkel!


HF: Ladies and gentlemen… is NOW time…..for the Royal! Rumble! MATCH!

GM: This is what we’ve been waiting for, this capacity crowd…..absolutely electric!

HF: Allow me to briefly explain the rules. Earlier today, all thirty participants drew a number at random to determine the order of entry. In just a few moments, the individuals who drew numbers one and two will enter the ring. Every two minutes thereafter, another individual will join the Rumble match, according to the number he pulled. Elimination can occur at any time, when an individual is thrown out over the top rope, with BOTH FEET touching the arena floor. The last wrestler remaining after all thirty men have entered will be declared the winner! And as a reminder, in the Royal Rumble match, it is EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

GM: The anticipation has reached a fever pitch! We’re ready to see who it’s going to be starting this one out!

JV: Absolutely!

HF: And now….let us ALL FIND OUT…..who drew…..NUM-BER ONE!

*cue “Matador” by Jim Johnston*

GM: OHH, how about that?

HF: From Tocula, Mexico, weighing 244 lbs…..ELLLLLL…..MATA-DORRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!


GM: El Matador, the unlucky individual who has to enter the match first. But Jess, El Matador has that needed intestinal fortitude to survive all the way to the end! But of course, it’s easier said than done.

JV: Well, he’s got the endurance and determination, no question, but that don’t mean anything after you’ve taken a prolonged beating. He’s got to be quick in there, and avoid expending too much energy.

GM: Can’t let yourself get drained, especially if you’re going to be in there a long time.

JV: Absolutely, and if number two is a larger opponent, he should wait for help from number three. Maybe it’ll be Cheatum!

GM: Well, if he’s lucky, number TWO will be Cheatum!

JV: Hey, Cheatum could surprise you. You know, them taller opponents can be leveraged over the rope. It’s a bit harder to pick up a dwarf and deposit him! Especially if he’s kicking and biting!

GM: Matador looking quite confident, he’ll need every bit of his poise in this one. Holy smokes, we’re just getting started!

HF: And now, let us all find out….who drew…..NUM-BER TWO!

*cue “Cocky” by Jim Johnston*

JV: Hah! It’s the Rooster!

HF: From Vero Beach, Florida, weighing in at 222 lbs, The Red….ROO-ster!

GM: I’m not liking the Rooster’s chances here, Jess.

JV: Why? He’s got the same mountain to climb as El Matador, and you were just singing his praises a minute ago!

GM: Well, I think Matador possesses that little something extra, whereas with the Rooster, I don’t get that feeling.

JV: Yeah, I think I gotta agree; when Bobby the Brain says you’re beneath him, it’s probably the truth. Have you ever known Bobby to be wrong, Gino?

GM (exasperated): Huh! How much time do you have?

JV: I’ll have you know that Heenan’s much smarter than you give him credit for–and here we go!

GM: Rooster on the attack, this one’s under way as he and Matador exchanging right hands! Not wasting any time was the Rooster, who I think has a lot to prove.

JV: Definitely, as we see him attacking Matador in the corner. He’s hoping the Gobbledy Gooker is number three!

GM: Anything can happen in the Royal Rumble. Who knows; perhaps we’ll even see Rooster and Gooker collaborate on an elimination!

JV: A textbook back suplex by the Rooster, well done.

GM: Matador in a precarious position on the canvas, not where you want to be as Rooster sends him into the ropes….oh, Matador holds on!

JV: Veteran mov–woah, Rooster’s out!

GM: Rooster charged and Matador pulled the ropes down, but Red Rooster’s on the apron! Not elim–


GM: Matador with that patented flying forearm, and Rooster gets knocked to the floor! He’s out of this one!

JV: Man, the ignominy! First, he’s the first man gone from the Survivor Series Grand Finale, and now he’s the first man out of the Rumble!

GM: Matador not getting much time for a breather as we’re counting down to number three, let’s see–


JV: Oooh, and it’s The Real Man’s Man!

GM: Hard hat and all, The Real Man’s Man methodically making his walk to the ring. Doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to get in there, does he?


JV: Well, would you be sprintin’ like Usain Bolt down the aisle? If he’s going to win here, the last thing he needs to do is waste energy. He has to last about an hour to win this.

GM: He’s gonna have to leave that hard hat at ringside; Matador inside champing at the bit.

JV: Too exciteable, he should be relishing the chance to rest.

GM: Well, he’s taking it to the Man’s Man, short right hands to the kisser.

JV: Matador with a beautiful arm drag, now working in that armbar.

GM: He’s got it sunk in, a simple weardown move. The longer he keeps—oh, did you see that?!

JV: Yeah, the Real Man’s Man went to the eyes of El Matador! There’s no rules here, Monsoon! It’s about survival, and no honor system is gonna override that!

GM: Matador on his back after some followup knees to the face. The Real Man’s Man firmly in control here as he sets him up…, a double underhook suplex and a beauty!

JV: Hah, right after he bends what would normally be the rules, he follows with some consummate wrestling. You gotta love it, Monsoon.

GM: Man’s Man now, with Matador pinned to the ropes, he’s going for an elimination right here.

JV: Matador with a grip on the ropes, I think it’s too early, especially since Matador was able to hook the ropes so instinctively.

GM: We’re about to get another entrant making his way out here–


GM: –and take a look!

JV: What IS that thing, a rubber Muppet?

GM: That’s Max Moon!

JV: Max Moon?!

GM: Max Moon sliding in there, met by a hard left hand from The Real Man’s Man!

JV: Does he wrestle in all of this get-up? He looks like something out of Tron!

GM: Well, it’s a bit unorthodox, but it’s all–WOW, what a spinning heel kick from Max Moon, after ducking the clothesline of The Real Man’s Man!

JV: Moon headed up top, this is dangerous in a battle royal!

GM: Perched up there, Man’s Man gets to his feet….and gets rocked with a diving shoulder block! What hang time by Max Moon!

JV: And ya know, this has bought El Matador more time to catch his breath. At this rate, Man’s Man was going to continue to pound him until he could no longer resist elimination!

GM: Matador certainly collect–woah, another rake of the face, this time on Moon!

JV: Man’s Man doing what’s absolutely necessary to survive, and with each ensuing entrant, he’ll be a little less apologetic for what he has–WOAH, flying forearm by Matador on Man’s Man!

GM: Matador sprung out of the corner, really picked his shot, and Man’s Man, I’m not sure, may have lost a bicuspid on that one!

JV: A what?!

GM: A tooth, Jess.

JV: Just say ‘tooth’ then, Monsoon.

GM: Moon and Matador working Man’s Man over in the corner now. In a tag team match, this would be illegal double teaming, but no such luck for Man’s Man here.

JV: This is not looking good at all for The Real Man’s Man, and we’re counting down to number five. I hope for Man’s Man’s sake, it’s an ally of his–


GM: Saba Simba, the tribal warrior!

JV: You’ve got to be kidding me, Monsoon. How can you honestly look at this man and call him “Saba Simba”? Don’t you know who he really is?

GM: Oh, I suppose you’re going to tell me?

JV: Nah, I guess I’d rather let you and everyone else propagate the myth of who this proud man is. I’ve wrestled him before, you know!

GM: When did YOU wrestle Saba Simba?

JV: Back when he–you know what, never mind…..

GM: Simba taking the fight to The Real Man’s Man, and look: he, Moon, and Matador are trading off shots on Man’s Man!

JV: Real Man’s Man is getting knocked around like he’s inside a pinball machine! He needs to get out of the fire and maybe take a walk! He won’t survive long at this rate!

GM: Simba with Man’s Man up in the air….drives him down hard with that gorilla press!

JV: Look at the pain on the face of Man’s Man, who I’d ALSO much rather call by another moniker! He–hey, look at this!

GM: Matador trying to dump Simba, you can’t turn your back on ANYONE in this kind of match!

JV: Simba trying to hang on, he’s firing elbows at Chico’s face, trying to escape this position.

GM: Chico?

JV: …..yeah, Chico. There, I said it. Sometimes I call El Matador “Chico.”

GM: Well, excuse me! Moon with Man’s Man down in the corner, continuing to wear him down as you see the clock on your screen. Man’s Man could REALLY use some backup here.


JV: Woah!

GM: Woah is right! 7’7″ inches, over 400 pounds PLUS of El Gigante!

JV: This kind of match is tailor-made for his physical attributes! It’s going to take a concerted effort from everyone in that ring, and probably a few extra guys, to get this monster out!

GM: Concerned look on the kissers of El Matador, Saba Simba, and Max Moon. The action’s been halted as they await El Gigante. I think they’re gonna try and gang up!

JV: They’re going to have to, as Gigante easily steps over the ropes, he swipes Moon away like a fly!

GM: Simba trying to attack, but Gigante overpowering, and down goes Simba after a headbutt right between the eyes! Matador eats a clothesline! Gigante in firm control so far!

JV: Look at the Man’s Man, sliding under the ropes! He’s the smartest man out there!

GM: He’s going to have to get back in there sooner or later and face this–OHH! There goes Max Moon!

JV: Gigante piefaces Moon and sends him backward over the top rope! What a simple display of power by the Argentinian giant!

GM: Moon’s night is over, as is that of The Red Rooster’s, and the field thins ever-so-slightly to 28. Gigante choking Simba in the corner. Boy, I’m glad I retired!

JV: Me too. Well, glad YOU retired, Monsoon.

GM: I’m sure you are.

JV: Gigante fending off Matador, who tried to attack from behind. Between the quickness of Matador and the strength of Simba, they haven’t made a dent in El Gigante yet!

GM: Absolutely, and they just lost Max Moon’s quickness, a complete non-factor in the end!

JV: Man’s Man looking on, not in any hurry to get back in there.

GM: Can’t say I blame him, he’s waiting for reinforcements or an opening. He’s about to get the former, as we count down once more–


GM: And here—WHAT IS THAT?!?

JV: Is that Bobby “The Brain” Heenan?!

GM: It IS Heenan! What’s he doing with That 70’s Guy?!

JV: I’m not sure, but he’s escorting him toward the ring! That 70’s Guy doesn’t even have his leisure suit! He didn’t even blow-dry his hair!

GM: That 70’s Guy in regular wrestling tights, being led toward the ring by that weasel Heenan! Has That 70’s Guy acquired his managerial services or what?

JV: That 70’s Guy is in, he’s going right for Gigante!

GM: Big right hands, he’s got Gigante rocked against the ropes….AND THERE HE GOES!

JV: WOW. That 70’s Guy tossed El Gigante out like he was a bantamweight! Heenan looking on with a big grin on his face!

GM: I think we have a business relationship here, as we see Heenan smiling proudly. Holy smokes!

BH (to the ringside camera): Forget disco, pal! That’s Mike Awesome in there, and we’re going straight to the top!

GM: Did you hear that?

JV: Yep, Mike Awesome! Bobby the Brain has helped him shed a ridiculous label, and he’s turned the monster loose on WrestleCrap’s locker room! I love it!

GM: Mike Awesome, a MUCH different animal than That 70’s Guy, much more ruthless and carniverous. Highly unlikely he’ll show ANY remorse.

JV: Matador driven down with a spinebuster. Boy, the complexion of this one sure changed in a hurry! Now Simba’s going to try his luck.

GM: Mike Awesome with a hard knee to the gut of Simba, and a hard right hand to the temple. He’s setting him up now, lifting him over his head!

JV: Awesome’s got him up for that Awesome Bomb, but I don’t think he’s aiming for the mat!

GM: Awesome takes off–OHH! And he dumps Simba over the top with the Awesome Bomb! He could have broken the man’s neck!


JV: Saba Simba eliminated in such a violent fashion, and Awesome’s not stopping to contemplate the act! He’s off to maim El Matador, and completely clear this ring!

GM: Officials tending to Saba Simba on the outside as Mike Awesome lays the lumber into El Matador, much to Heenan’s approval.

JV: Don’t forget about the Man’s Man, and we’re seconds away from another entrant–


GM: It’s Duke the Dumpster!

JV: Duke “The Dumpster” Droese, no small fish in his own right. I don’t know if he can match power with Mike Awesome, but he’s got as reasonable a chance as anyone.

GM: Droese jumping right into the fray, and Awesome putting the boots to him, not letting him even get to his feet!

JV: Hah, the risk you run in the Royal Rumble! Awesome not going to let anyone get over on him, and Droese can’t even get out of the blocks!

GM: Awesome sending Droese into the ropes, big clothesline takes the trashman off his feet!

JV: Heenan appears to have Awesome well-conditioned as the big man takes it to Droese on the canvas–and now Matador attacking Awesome!

GM: El Matador kicking away at Mike Awesome, who doesn’t seem to be phased at all!

JV: He’s a strong individual, this Awesome! Matador running up–Awesome catches him as he tries for the flying forearm!

GM: Look out!

JV: Oh, and Droese low-bridges Awesome, with Matador landing on top! They’ve got Awesome down, and they’re on the attack!

GM: Matador and Droese hammering away on a downed Mike Awesome, and The Weasel’s beside himself, yelling encouragement!

JV: This is what they’ve got to do, keep Mike Awesome on the canvas and wear him down, work on the back and arms, to keep him from throwing you ar–Man’s Man’s back in and he’s trying to dump El Matador!

GM: Man’s Man with El Matador against the ropes, he’s got that one leg up, really trying to get a good push! He should certainly be well-rested after his little coffee break on the outside!

JV: Coffee break? Strategy, Monsoon!

GM: Can’t say I blame him; it’s a grueling match as we count down for our next entrant–


JV: Here comes The Artist!

GM: The Artist, accompanied by Paisley, making his way to the ring. Quite the stoic figure, prefers to let his actions do the talking.

JV: Just like he sang, “Let’s Go Crazy.” He’s going to need that spark of craziness to guide him here!

GM: I don’t think that was him singing, Jess.

JV: Hah, you don’t think so?

GM: Highly unlikely, as The Artist unloads the heavy artillery on Duke Droese. Awesome and Man’s Man trading shots on El Matador. Matador’s been stuck in that corner for a few moments here, he’s got to get out of there or he’ll be hitting the showers momentarily.

JV: What would you say Matador’s been in so far, about 15 minutes?

GM: Coming up on that number rapidly–ooh, what a European uppercut by The Man’s Man!

JV: I see Artist trying to lift Droese out by his legs, getting underneath of the garbage man. I figure he’d have to have strong legs, Droese, from stomping that hydraulic lift on the truck!

GM: Awesome setting up Matador–oooh, he missed the shoulderblock and took out The Man’s Man!

JV: Every man for himself, so at least Mike Awesome made contact with someone, if not the intended target!

GM: Matador attacking The Artist, saving Droese from elimination!

JV: I have to question that, Monsoon. It’s every man for himself, so why not HELP the Artist dump the Dumpster over the ropes?

GM: Well, maybe he feels Droese will make a good ally! Doesn’t hurt to have someone watching your back, as El Matador with a snap suplex on The Artist.

JV: Yeah, but Droese isn’t compelled to thank Matador; he could just toss him out if he wants! Some ‘thank you’d that’d be!

GM: That’s right, no friends here, but still, alliances can be helpful when you’re trying to find a second wind. Less than ten seconds before we get number ten.

JV: The ring’s filling up, let’s see who it–


GM: Ohhhh, brother. Pacman Jones!


JV: Hah, what a year for Pacman! Three interceptions, one returned for a touchdown, on the fifth ranked scoring defense in the NFL! He’s used to high-pressure situations; let’s see how his defensive prowess works in the Royal Rumble!

GM: Jess, he’s not going to get in there. Look, he’s standing outside, with no inclination to–woah, look out! El Matador just eliminated The Artist!

JV: The Artist backdropped out, nearly landed in the third row! Matador really had to summon some strength for that one!

GM: And look, Pacman Jones is standing on the outside, arms folded, with no interest in getting in there! Why is he even OUT there?!

JV: Look, he’s a public figure, and sometimes a wrestling organization needs to get the rub from a celebrity, no matter how stupid it ends up making you look. I heard we’re getting Jenna Morasca for WrestleMania!

GM: I’m sorry, who?!

JV: Ahh, I was hoping you could tell me. I’m at a loss here.

GM: Awesome with a powerslam and a beauty on Droese. Matador and Man’s Man going at it in the corner, they’re both pretty well spent.

JV: That’s not a good sign, especially as we’re only a third of the way through the field. Man’s Man should’ve remained laying low. Uh oh, here comes Awesome!

GM: Mike Awesome unloading on both Man’s Man and Matador as Pacman’s looking on.

JV: I wonder if he plans on sneaking in there at the end and tossing out whomever’s left?

GM: That seems to be in line with his style of wrestling, if you can call it that; do minimal work and get the winner’s end of the purse money for it.

JV: Countdown’s on for number 11; wonder if they’ll adopt Pacman’s strategy?


JV: And it’s The Dragon!

GM: The Dragon making his way down the aisle, he jumps right in there! He’s got more pride and self-respect than that louse at ringside, I’ve got news for you!

JV: Dragon blistering at The Real Man’s Man with those knife-edge chops! And there’s a crowning one between the eyes!

GM: Awesome intervening, he’s got Dragon by the throat–Dragon breaks free, and lays a knife-edge across Mike Awesome’s face!

JV: That was meant for the eyes, a desperate yet legal move, Gorilla!

GM: Dragon off the ropes—he drops Awesome with a running sledge! And this place is going bananas!

JV: He got the big man off his feet, but now he turns his attention to El Matador! That’s a mistake, he should be trying to keep Mike Awesome down!

GM: Absolutely, but Duke Droese’s picking up where he left–did you see that?!? The Weasel hooked his leg!

JV: He certainly did, and Droese’s trying to get a piece of–

GM: From behind, Awesome Pearl Harbor’s Droese! He’s got him over, Man’s Man over to assist–and they dump Droese out! Give me a break!

JV: Duke “The Dumpster” Droese is out of this one, he shouldn’t have taken his eye off the ball when Heenan got–WOAH!

GM: El Matador and The Dragon take down Awesome with a double dropkick!

JV: Awesome down, and The Real Man’s Man goes for–no, The Dragon backdrops Man’s Man out of here!

GM: The Real Man’s Man’s night is finished! He gets dumped out in front of Pacman as Dragon and Matador now trying to hoist Mike Awesome over!

JV: This would be a coup if they can get Mike Awesome out! We’re counting down, six, five, could this be help for Awesome?


GM: Uh-oh!

JV: Ooooh, it’s 400 lbs of Mantaur, from The Schyster Family! Hey, look!

GM: Matador and Dragon just eliminated Mike Awesome! Bobby Heenan, boy is he upset!

JV: They’ve gotten rid of one monster, but now a whole new problem takes shape in the form of the bull-headed Mantaur! He’s not going to be easy to throw out, plus he’s fresh!

GM: Matador and Dragon both keenly aware that their work’s not done, as Mantaur steps into the ropes. Dragon charges–oh, and Mantaur launches him over the ropes! Holy smokes!

JV: Wait–did Dragon land on the railing? I don’t think he hit the floor!

GM: Referee Mike Chioda waving it off, I think Dragon’s still in this one, but how’s he going to get back in there?

JV: Mantaur now has Matador in a bad way in the corner, ramming that 400-pound frame into Matador’s sternum!

GM: Wait, what’s Dragon doing, he’s standing on that steel barricade—

JV: Mantaur just deposited El Matador over the top! So much for number one going the distance!

GM: Oooh, The Dragon jumps and lands with both feet on Pacman’s shoulders! What balance!

JV: Mantaur just eliminated El Matador, and has the ring to himself if The Dragon can’t–

GM: And now Dragon jumps from Pacman’s shoulders to the apron! This crowd applauding the efforts of–

JV: And Mantaur barges into The Dragon, knocking him to the floor! All of those acrobatics for nothing! Mantaur stands alone!

GM: An impressive effort from The Dragon as we count down to number 13–


GM: And it’s The Portuguese Man of War, Aldo Montoya! Still, Jesse, credit where it’s due for The Dragon!

JV: What for? Sure, it looked pretty, but it didn’t win the match, and winning’s what’s most important here! If you don’t win, why SHOULD you get credit?

GM: Please. He just won himself a Slammy Award come this December, and gave this organization something we can put on YouTube! Compared to winning a match, aren’t those values, plus continued employment, more important?

JV: I don’t think I like the direction this organization’s taking. This is what happens when there’s no viable competition!

GM: Ohhh, Mantaur sends Montoya out of here in a hurry! Excuse me, that kind of clothesline will give you a negative attitude for sure!

JV: Mantaur once again all alone in the ring, although Pacman Jones is still an eligible entrant, provided that he ever gets into the squared circle himself!

GM: Pacman Jones undoubtedly will win some sort of supporting Slammy if enough of you vote on the crApp. To download it, all you have to–


GM: Well, you’ll have to excuse me, my headset cord was plugged in the wrong input. What’s this one labeled, ‘stockholders and media’? When did we install that one?

JV: Just forget it, and let’s focus on the match. You know, the match. Mantaur waiting on number 14. If it’s Heidenreich or IRS, do you suppose they’ll go at it?

GM: We’re about to find out as we count down–



JV: Things just got interesting!

GM: Blade Braxton coming out at number 14, and does he have a score to settle with Mantaur or what?!


JV: Mantaur looks ready, he’s encouraging Braxton to bring it on! We’ll see if Blade Braxton can avenge the events of Saturday Night’s Meme Event! He won’t have RD Reynolds to lean on, not for at least two minutes!

GM: Mantaur misses the charge, and Braxton’s firing away, a series of right hands!

JV: Braxton with those hard jabs to the jaw of Mantaur, who’s still on his feet!

GM: Braxton off the ropes….big elbow between the eyes of Mantaur, who’s still up! I can’t believe it!

JV: Braxton’s gonna try again….another elbow, and Mantaur’s keeping his balance somehow! He’s rocked, but still standing!

GM: Now Braxton headed to the top rope–double ax–no, Mantaur thrusts him in the throat!

JV: Mantaur with Braxton down, dropping a knee to the sternum. I don’t know if Braxton will survive long enough for his co-conspiritor Real Deal Reynolds to save him!

GM: Mantaur with Braxton in his clutches, fires him into the ropes, oh-Braxton ducks the clothesline–BIG ELBOW found its mark between the eyes, and Mantaur’s staggering!

JV: Braxton’s going back up!


JV: I can’t believe it; that degenerate got the 400-pound Mantaur off his feet!

GM: Braxton with more hard shots with that right hand, keeping the monster grounded! We’re about to get somebody else in here!

JV: We’ve reached the halfway point, let’s see–


GM: Oh….Santina Marella!

JV: Hah, Santina Marella, your proud niece!

GM: Niece?!

JV: Yeah, isn’t he one of your relatives?

GM: Highly unlikely! Look at this piece of work, smiling and blowing kisses. These fans in Detroit aren’t taking too kindly to him.

JV: Santina Marella going right after Braxton. Honestly, I’d help him get rid of Mantaur.

GM: Well, Santina’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer then, is he? Maybe if Pacman could actually find it–oh, look out!

JV: Santina missed a charge, and Braxton knocks him over with a running knee!

GM: Just like that, one mistake and Santina paid a heavy price! Look, he’s all bent out of shape!

JV: He didn’t even get to unleash his Cobra!

GM: It’s back to Braxton against Mantaur. That diversion allowed Mantaur to get to his feet, but Braxton barraging him with kicks against the corner. I think he’ll need some help to get big Mantaur over the ropes.

JV: Absolutely, as we see Braxton laying in some shoulders now, soften–ooh, and Mantaur kneed him in the mush!

GM: Looked like he caught him with that knee right in the nasomaxillary suture, catching him flush.

JV: The what?

GM: We’ll just say the top of the nose, Jess.

JV: Well, why didn’t you say that before, Monsoon? And hey, Mantaur’s trying to get Braxton out!

GM: Braxton over the ropes, he’s trying to hang on, goes to the eyes to prevent being eliminated!

JV: He did what he had to do, as we approach yet another participant. Just seconds away–


JV: Hah! Is Blade Braxton in trouble now!

GM: The Black Scorpion, coming in at number 16! Holy Toledo!


JV: Braxton sees Scorpion coming; if I were him, I’d slide under the ropes like The Man’s Man did earlier. Otherwise, he’s in for some serious double-teamin’, with nobody to tag!

GM: Braxton taking the fight right to Scorpion, rights and lefts, Scorpion with a big chop–doesn’t faze him!

JV: Woah, Braxton unaffected, and he goes to the Scorpion’s eyes through the mask!

GM: Braxton with machine-gun lefts and rights, and Scorpion–ohh, he drops to the canvas face-first! Not a good place to be!

JV: Braxton in firm–no, Mantaur attacks from behind, laying out Braxton with a barging attack! Ha, a big elbow drop follows. This bum can’t keep it going all night!

GM: Scorpion barking out orders as Mantaur….awww, big splash! That’ll knock the wind right out of your sails!

JV: Scorpion following up with a beautiful kneedrop to the forehead. They’re dissecting him like a med-school cadaver! Not that Blade Braxton smells much better than one! I love it!

GM: You can see em, trying to hoist Braxton up in the corner now.

JV: This is it!

GM: Braxton trying to hang on, but they’ve each got a leg. All it’s going to take is one good push!

JV: Listen to these morons cheering Braxton on!

GM: Blade Braxton trying to draw strength, as we’re counting down for number 17.

JV: He’d better hope this is Reynolds!


JV: Doctor Isaac Yankem!

GM: The demented drill sergeant, Isaac Yankem DDS! Sprinting toward the ring, he can’t wait to be a part of this!

JV: Yankem in there in a hurry–and what’s he doing?!?!

GM: Yankem attacking Scorpion and Mantaur! He just saved Blade Braxton! Yankem plants Scorpion with a big uppercut!

JV: Now WHY would he save Blade Braxton?! What did that leech ever do for him?!

GM: If Braxton’s gone, who’s to say Scorpion and Mantaur don’t double-team Yankem? You gotta use your head in there, and consider the odds, Jess!

JV: I’d prefer to think he and Braxton bonded over having similar chiclets in their mouths. Now Yankem trying to budge Mantaur, cutting away with those big right hands.

GM: Blade Braxton over to help, they’re setting up Mantaur–ooh, a tandem bodyslam on the 400-pounder!

JV: That shows that a minimum of two men can lift Mantaur over the ropes! Braxton with a kneedrop to the skull. If he somehow wins this, he better divvy up some of that purse money to Dr. Yankem!

GM: I’m sure Braxton’s grateful, Jess. It’s been absolute pandemonium so far as Yankem–oh, he and Braxton are going to try and lift big Mantaur out of here!

JV: They’ve got the right idea, they just need to lift the big–HA! SCORPION WITH THE CHOP BLOCK!

GM: Scorpion takes the knee of Braxton out, saving Mantaur! Are you going to complain about THAT save?

JV: Nah, I agree with your assessment of it 100%! It’s a survival move!

GM: Scorpion working the knee of Braxton as we’re fixing to get another participant in here–


GM: Huh! You’ve gotta be kidding me!

JV: Cheatum the Evil Midget! Hah, I like his chances! All he has to do as lay low!

GM: Boy, you’re a riot, you know that?

JV: I’m real interested in seeing what Cheatum’s going to do once he enters the Royal Rumble! You never know, he might clear the ring himself!

GM: I wouldn’t bet on that, if I were you.

JV: Well, he’s in, and he’s not real anxious to mix it up with anyone.

GM: Gotta give him credit, he’s got more gumption than Pacman Jones, who still hasn’t even entered the ring! He’s–WOAH, LOOK OUT!

JV: Yankem sent Scorpion hard into the buckle! You could hear that impact up in the cheap seats!

GM: Ring moved about half a foot after that collision! Huh! Braxton going after Scorpion, who lay helpless on the canvas. And Mantaur going after Yankem with that ax handle! Can’t turn your back for a second!

JV: Look at Cheatum, what’s he doing?

GM: Cheatum trying to attack Mantaur, he’s wrapping himself around his leg….I don’t even think he’s hurting him!

JV: Mantaur swings him the mat, he looks to me like he’s more annoyed than anything!

GM: Given the size difference, I’m not–ohh! Cheatum with a running headbutt to the bread basket!

JV: That stunned Mantaur as Yankem now trying for the elimination! He’s got Mantaur against the ropes, while Braxton and Scorpion are tussling in the corner!

GM: Cheatum now, trying to help Isaac Yankem lift Mantaur….I don’t even know if he can get his leg off the ground!

JV: Hey, if Pacman reaches up and hooks Mantaur’s arm, they could ease him out!

GM: Do you *honestly* think that’s going happen?

JV: I didn’t say it happen, but ya know, it’s good to talk about what COULD be.

GM: Yeah, right. Mantaur’s not going anywhere, they’ve given up on the lift for now. Let’s see who’s next.

JV: Number 19, I believe?


GM: There went the buzzer. And it’s The Stalker!

JV: A near-300 pounder, and this would make six in the ring. Seven, if you counted Pacman on the floor.

GM: With 11 more entrants to go, that’s 18 men who are still eligible to win this one. And you wonder when we’ll see the likes of Shockmaster, or Mantaur’s associates, Irwin R. Schyster and Heidenreich. What about RD Reynolds?

JV: Yeah, he got himself a pretty sweet draw, didn’t he? Monsoon, I gotta ask, why don’t the Stalker wear camouflage that matches the ringside environment?

GM: Why don’t you ask him yourself if you’re curious?

JV: I’m just saying, when I was a Navy SEAL, we had to adapt to our surr–woah, Yankem just tossed Cheatum out!

GM: Cheatum thrown like a shot put into the aisleway! You can stick a fork in him, his night is history!

JV: Stalker and Yankem now, working in tandem on Mantaur. Scorpion’s got Braxton in the corner, laying in those knife edge chops! You can hear the smack of the flesh!

GM: Scorpion whips acro–no, Braxton reverses Scorpion into the corner–big backdrop on the rebound!

JV: Scorpion lands right on that tailbone, he’s in–Braxton clotheslines him out–NO!

GM: No, Scorpion holds onto the ropes and pulls himself back inside!

JV: Ooooh, that was a close one, Gorilla! Mantaur fighting off Yankem and Stalker, BIG clothesline knocks Stalker to the canvas!

GM: Braxton headed back up, I don’t know how wise this is with so many–double ax handle takes Scorpion off his feet!

JV: Over 15 minutes for Mantaur now, and close to 12 I wanna say for Braxton. They’re the current iron men.

GM: About to get another entrant, number 20 puts us two-thirds of the way through the competition. Let’s see who it could be.


JV: Ah-ha, The African Dream, Akeem, led toward the ring by Slick!

GM: That ingrate, The Doctor of Style, Slick, he has to know that Kamala will be out here sooner or later, and he hasn’t forgotten what happened a month ago!


JV: Hey, like Michael Corleone told his brother Sonny, it ain’t personal. Clearly Slick feels Akeem is a better–oh, look at Akeem go to work!

GM: Akeem with clubbing forearm blows on The Stalker, really laying in those shots. That’s a 300-pound man he’s taking–look out!

JV: Akeem just threw The Stalker out of here!

GM: Akeem easily tossed The Stalker right on out of the ring!

JV: Maybe he should have made more of that camouflage, then he could have remained hidden from view!

GM: Akeem now, he’s got Braxton trapped in the corner, ramming into his sternum area with his own massive frame.

JV: Braxton very well neutralized, while Mantaur and Scorpion lay into Yankem. You can feel the air going out of the Joe Louis Arena; it’s nothing but a simple beatdown now.

GM: This capacity crowd, filled to the rafters, looking on with concern as Blade Braxton and Dr. Isaac Yankem are getting absolutely manhandled.

JV: The city of Detroit considers these two to be heroes? They’ve got six clean teeth between them, but that’s more than the number of meaningful wins the Lions have!

GM: I’ll have you know that Blade Braxton’s a big fan of the Lions!

JV: Ha, that hardly surprises me.

GM: Akeem snap mare takeover on Braxton–and then drives the knee into the upper chest area!

JV: Braxton’s feeling like a Lions player right–woah, Yankem ducks, and Scorpion nails Mantaur with a right hand!

GM: Yankem rams Scorpion right into Mantaur, a meeting of the minds!

JV: Yankem’s got an opening now, he’s got Mantaur reeling on the ropes, and we’re counting down!

GM: Number 21 on his way–


GM: Super Eric!

JV: Oooh, THIS spaz! What do you think his chances of survival are?

GM: You never know what an individual can bring to–HE’S GOT PACMAN!

JV: Super Eric throwing Pacman Jones into the ring! About time he enters the match, now we’ll–


JV: Wow, Pacman Jones lasted barely five seconds! Super Eric brings him in, and then immediately dropkicks him out!

GM: What a waste of a plane ticket for that piece of work!

JV: Super Eric’s not slowing up either, he’s hitting anything that moves! Big right hand on Scorpion, and there’s one for Mantaur!

GM: Super Eric a house of fire, making his mark in–ohhh, Akeem delivers a clothesline, turning Super Eric inside out!

JV: What a neck wringer that turned out to be; surprised his head’s still attached to his shoulders!

GM: Akeem a real powerhouse, and Slick approves of his–oh, Braxton jumps on Akeem with a sleeperhold!

JV: I can’t see real well, does he have it sunk in?!

GM: Braxton hanging on, Yankem and Mantaur shoving Akeem toward the ropes, they may be trying to dump both men!

JV: Braxton wisely lets go of the sleeper hold, and now Yankem and Mantaur are trying to dump big Akeem!

GM: Scorpion meanwhile has slapped a Figure Four on Super Eric! Holy moley, it’s getting hard to keep track of!

JV: Scorpion taking out the pins of Super Eric; that’ll keep him from leaping any tall buildings in a single bound!

GM: Akeem clubs Yankem across the head, looks like he’s been able to save himself, at least temporarily. Braxton charges–woah, did he ever get nailed by that shoulder block!

JV: Slick couldn’t be happier, Akeem has been immune to elimination thus far!

GM: He’s gotta keep it up, because the conveyor belt won’t stop churning. And now the clock is up, less than ten seconds until we get the 22nd entrant.

JV: Can’t wait to see who it is!



JV: It’s The Ugandan Giant! We know who he’ll be going for!

GM: Kamala ambling up the aisle, his sights are set on the Afri–no, wait, where’s he going?!

JV: He’s going after Slick!

GM: Kamala’s got a hold of The Slickster!

JV: Kamala with a hold of The Doctor of Style, this is horrible! The referees need to get in there–OOH, Akeem on the attack!

GM: Akeem to the outside, striking Kamala with that clubbing forearm, and we’ve got a melee right out at ringside!

JV: Meanwhile, in the ring, Braxton and Yankem trying again to toss Mantaur; I don’t think they’ve got the leverage they need.

GM: So much going on at once….woah, big knee drop by the Scorpion on Super Eric, as Akeem sending Kamala back in the ring the hard way. Slick really owes ’em one for that save.

JV: Absolutely, that maniac coulda maimed him!

GM: You don’t think Slick deserves to get pasted upside his head, after what he did to Kamala a month ago?!

JV: Hey, it was a business decision; Slick did what he felt–hey!

GM: Kamala unloading on Akeem, a total house of fire! This capacity crowd loving every second of it!

JV: Kamala waylays The Scorpion with an overhand chop, he’s out of control in there!

GM: Setting up Akeem–OHH, WHAT A SCOOP SLAM!

JV: Kamala just slammed Akeem, that’s over 450 lbs! I can’t believe it!

GM: Kamala’s not done, he’s attacking Yankem, and there’s a hard chop to Braxton!

JV: The Ugandan Giant hitting anything that moves! Off the ropes, he–oooh, Akeem rolls away from a big splash!

GM: That’ll settle Slick’s nerves a bit, seeing Kamala in a bit of peril. Mantaur stomping away on Kamala, the ring really starting to fill up with humanity here.

JV: We see the countdown clock, it’d better have room for one more.

GM: Who’s it gonna be?



JV: It’s Heidenreich! Mantaur’s buddy, and fellow associate of The Schyster Family!

GM: Heidenreich sprinting toward the ring; no question in my mind who he’ll be siding with in there.

JV: Hah, what, you don’t think he’ll go at Mantaur? It IS every man for himself!

GM: Highly unlikely!

JV: There he is, he and Mantaur pretty much joined at the hip, and looking for prey!

GM: They’ve got it in the form of Blade Braxton!

JV: Ha, let’s see if Braxton can survive this two on one assault!

GM: Heidenreich and Mantaur, like a pack of wolves, picking apart Braxton against the ropes, and he’s not standing much of a chance in there, Jess!

JV: Wouldn’t it be great if IRS was number 24, Gorilla? The Schyster Family as one, dissecting Blade Braxton to his rotten core!

GM: They’re trying to lift Braxton over now!

JV: This is it!

GM: About to elim–no, Yankem makes the save, he’s going after Heidenreich!

JV: Boy, that’s ALL that saved Braxton from elimination! I see Akeem working over Kamala in the corner while Slick lays the badmouth on! I love it!

GM: Yankem tried to slam Heidenreich, but Mantaur breaks it up. That’s the advantage of having an ally in there, an advantage in communication over the rest of the pack.

JV: No question. Trust me, if Trashbag Braxton survives to see RD Reynolds ride in on his high horse, you’re going to see them doubling up too!

GM: Black Scorpion, HUGE chop on Super Eric in the corner; Scorpion’s been in close to 16 minutes now.

JV: And that’s what, about 24 for Mantaur?

GM: Somewhere in that neighborhood. I’d say that puts Braxton at about the 20 minute mark.

JV: Hey, Yankem’s hung in there a while too, though Schyster’s heavies have him on the ropes. And again, we’re about to get another body in the fray.

GM: This will be number 24 when he arrives–


GM: Give me a break!

JV: Ha ha, the voice of WrestleCrap, Michael Cole! I hear he’s up for your job, Monsoon!

GM: *My* job?!

JV: Yeah, you don’t talk about the main events enough! Do you know what’s trending on Twitter right now?

GM: Do *you*?

JV (pause): And here we see Cole entering the ring; he’d LOVE to have this kind of victory under his belt!

GM: Doesn’t look like it to me; seems to me like he’s got his celluar phone out! What on earth is he going to do with that, order Chinese?

JV: Looks to me like he’s taking a selfie of him with the Schyster Family members!

GM: What for?!

JV: To put on Instagram, duh!

GM: This is the Royal Rumble, and he’s wasting his time doing something unrelated to the all-important product? He’s a journalist; he should know the story when he sees it!

JV: Well, to be fair, I don’t see him engagin’ in fisticuffs with anybody in there. The Schysters have gone back to manhandling Yankem. To be honest, that’s probably the least disturbing image of Cole and Heidenreich together.

GM: Ohhh-Braxton, takes Cole down with a double sledge between the eyes!

JV: Sure, pick on the weakest guy out there! Shows what a bully Braxton is! We speak out against that here!

GM: Kamala trying to lift Akeem out of there while Slick yells encouragement. Scorpion and Mantaur attacking Braxton, essentially saving Michael Cole’s hide!

JV: Well, let’s see how Braxton fares with a couple of legitim–

GM: Super Eric off with a high cross body!

JV: Super Eric managed to knock big Mantaur off his feet, I can’t believe it, Gorilla!

GM: Heidenreich on the attack to save his partner as Braxton goes to the eyes of Scorpion!

JV: Does that surprise you? People really love this guy, don’t they?

GM: Braxton now trying to get Scorpion out of here, as we count down once more. Getting to the nitty gritty here–




JV: RD Reynolds with number 25, let’s see what he’s made of as he hits the ring with a fury!

GM: Reynolds surveying–he clotheslines Michael Cole out of here!

JV: Yeah, sure, pick on the easy target! What a hero Real Deal Reynolds is!

GM: Reynolds now, fighting off Mantaur, he’s got him and Heidenreich–DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER!

JV: Reynolds is off to a fast start, we’ll see if he can keep–WOAH!

GM: I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! Reynolds just dumped out Kamala and Akeem as they were teetering on the ropes!

JV: That’s almost 900 lbs of weight Reynolds levered over! I mean, yeah, they were trying to eliminate each other, but credit it where it’s due, Real Deal Reynolds took advantage of a big opportunity!

GM: RD Reynolds has already eliminated three guys before he could even tear off his Mike Check t-shirt! Holy Moses!

JV: Who’s left in there, the eliminations happened so quickly!

GM: Well, Real Deal and Blade Braxton are both still in there, along with Schyster’s goons, Heidenreich and Mantaur. Black Scorpion and Super Eric still in there, along with Dr. Isaac Yankem.

JV: And there’s still five more anxious wrestlers waiting to hit the ring!

GM: Reynolds now, firing right hands at the cranium of Mantaur, while Braxton works over Heidenreich in the far corner.

JV: That’s going to be the story, who wins this form of gang warfare between The Mega Crappers and The Schyster Family. The Schysters have a man advantage if IRS can get in there before either Mantaur or Heidenreich goes.

GM: Meanwhile, Yankem and Super Eric have The Black Scorpion perched across the turnbuckle. How is he still holding on?!

JV: Well, Black Scorpion’s got an infinite supply of endurance. He’s like an enduring amusement park ride, if you get my drift!

GM: A lot of intestinal fortitude, as we’re about to get somebody else making their way out here–


JV: Ahh, Bastion Booger!

GM: Another 400 pounder, this match was made for behemoths like him. We see Heidenreich taking down Braxton with a hard clothesline. He wasn’t going to stay down in that corner forever.

JV: Not a chance, now he can–oh, he’s got a hold of Super Eric, he’s up in the press!

GM: And Super Eric thrown out of here like yesterday’s newspaper! A respectable showing, but it simply wasn’t enough.

JV: Heidenreich now laying into Reynolds, he and Booger both. That’ll free up Mantaur, whom Reynolds had in a bad way.

GM: Booger clubbing at Reynolds with those elbows, he and Heidenreich taking turns laying in shots–woah, Yankem with a chokeslam and a beauty on The Black Scorpion!

JV: Scorpion’s lasted over 20 minutes so far, I do believe. Where would that put Mantaur?

GM: Mantaur almost in excess of a half hour, gotta tip my hat to this highly dangerous individual. Speaking of, he and Yankem tangling in the corner.

JV: These two can’t have a whole lot left in the–wow, Heidenreich with a running forearm smash on Yankem!

GM: Yankem being tilted over by Mantaur and Heidenreich–he’s out of here! Wow, a big elimination!

JV: And that goes to show you what double teaming can do this in this type of a match!

GM: Absolutely, the numbers game can be critical to survival as these two shady individuals are working over Braxton now.

JV: Booger still has Reynolds in a precarious position, could be trying to dump him on out of here.

GM: Scorpion now over to help; I’m amazed he’s still standing!

JV: I gotta agree with ya there; he’s taken quite a pounding so far. It’s not looking good for the Mega Crappers, however!

GM: We’re about to get number 27 in here shortly, we’ll see if he can turn the tide somehow.


GM: And it’s…..The Gobbledy Gooker!

JV: Gobbledy Gooker, making his entrance here at the Royal Rumble! Lucky for him, The Red Rooster’s long gone!

GM: Yeah, I’m sure he was really sweating that one out! Gooker in there and he takes Scorpion down, what a dropkick!

JV: Gooker content to save Reynolds, or perhaps just go after the weakest link in there. Normally, I’d say Braxton, but I think Scorpion’s been through a million car wrecks in there!

GM: Booger still going–no, Reynolds fighting back with right hands!

JV: Real Deal Reynolds hammering away on Booger, what’s he–


JV: What a display of power from RD Reynolds! Now he’s going over to help Braxton! Now we’ll see who the stronger force really is, self-parody or taxation!

GM: Reynolds firing on all cylanders, laying in those hard shots on Mantaur, while Braxton slams Heidenreich face first into the canvas! That’ll rearrange your facial features in a hurry!

JV: Gooker missed with the cross body on Scorpion, who dropped down to the canvas. He may have simply keeled over from exhaustion instead of actually ducking!

GM: Well, he doesn’t have much longer to last before he’s in the final stage, but I don’t know how much he’ll have left to eliminate the others.

JV: Look at Reynolds and Braxton, headbutting Mantaur at the same time! Surprising they didn’t hurt themselves doing it!

GM: Braxton laid in a vicious boot to Heidenreich there as Booger–oh, he missed that splash on The Gooker!

JV: Gooker’s headed up top, this is high risk….

GM: Comes off with a diving cross body on Scorpion! This time, it works!

JV: Reynolds now, trying to get big Mantaur out of here, and Braxton coming over to help!

GM: This is critical, they’ve got to divide The Schyster Family, especially with Heidenreich down on the canvas!

JV: We’re about to get another one!

GM: Mantaur hanging on, as we reach the end of the count, and it’s–


JV: Ahhh, the 400-lb Shockmaster!

GM: The Shockmaster, boy did he get a favorable draw here, hurrying down the aisle. He’d better be careful, he tends to stumble, and I know he’d feel bad if he took–

JV: Wow, what a right hand on Reynolds!

GM: Shockmaster reached up and struck The Real Deal as he tried to eliminate Mantaur! He ended up saving one of his opponents! What a mistake!

JV: I have to agree, he should have yanked Mantaur over when he had the chance, and then focused his hostilities on Reynolds!

GM: Well, that’s a third functional duo in here, Shockmaster closely associated with The Black Scorpion. He’s over trying to help him clear the cobwebs.

JV: Heidenreich now working with Mantaur against Reynolds and Braxton; that window of opportunity to get rid of big Mantaur has firmly closed!

GM: Scorpion and Shockmaster attacking Reynolds! Aiding the Schyster Family, it’s four on two in the corner!

JV: Unless Gooker or Booger come over to help, it doesn’t look good at all for The Mega Crappers! I don’t see either one winnin’ this, Gorilla!

GM: Shockmaster trying to hoist Reynolds out!

JV: This could be it! Wow, what a big feather in the cap this would be for Shockmaster!

GM: Reynolds breaks it up with a big right hand! That was VERY close!

JV: Gooker now jumping into the fray, hammering away on Heidenreich!

GM: They all know how close they are to winning this, the finishing line can be clearly seen! Good thing this ring was heavily reinforced earlier; some true heavyweights in there!

JV: WOAH-Booger tried to avalanche Braxton, and ended up crushing Heidenreich!

GM: Braxton avoids the crunch and he’s hammering away on Booger! Number 29 about to make his way out here! Who could it be?


GM: And it’s The Miz!


JV: The most must-see Superstar in all of WrestleCrap is hitting the ring! You know who’s number 30 then, right Gino?

GM: Yes indeed, Irwin R Schyster will enter from the lucky 30 spot, after a little bit of chicanery during the drawing.

JV: Hey, that wasn’t chicanery. If it was, somebody woulda stepped in, right?

GM: Miz, the Southpaw, on the attack, striking Booger with heavy left hands. He didn’t do too bad himself in the drawing earlier.

JV: Not at all, and the fans would love to see him come out on top!

GM: Reynolds trying to fend off Shockmaster and Mantaur in the corner. Mantaur might wanna add Shockmaster to his Christmas card list for that save earlier.

JV: Look at The Black Scorpion, taking the fight to Braxton. Both of them have been in there for quite a while! Ya gotta wonder how they’re doing it. In Braxton’s case, it ain’t conditioning!

GM: Be that as it may, Reynolds manages to free himself, and there’s a big headbutt for Shockmaster!

JV: I’ll give em credit, he’s really managing these unfavorable odds. Miz coming over now to aid Reynolds, if they can–WOAH!

GM: Blade Braxton just scooped up The Black Scorpion and tossed him out!

JV: That was crucial, because with IRS coming in shortly, that would have been five guys with a grudge against The Mega Crappers!

GM: Reynolds and Braxton now going to work on Shockmaster, meanwhile Gooker’s tied up with Heidenreich. Miz and Mantaur going at it in the corner, and Booger joining in, big axe handle on the back of The Miz!

JV: With IRS, that would make nine men in the ring for the final run. Tell me, Gino, who’s your winner?

GM: Kinda hard to go against RD or Braxton–

JV: Oh, give me a break! Let’s see what happens in just mere seconds, because here he comes!


JV: Irwin! R.! Schyster! Briefcase in hand!

GM: The devious head of The Schyster Family conned his way into the number 30 spot, even though I think the oversight people at the drawing didn’t really enforce the rules!

JV: Hey, that was hours ago, and nothing’s being enforced or changed, so here’s IRS at number 30. Deal with it!

GM: Well excuse me. IRS quickly helping Heidenreich fight off The Gooker, trying to gather his squadron. He wants to talk strategy.

JV: Can’t blame em, they’re a good chunk of this final-HEY!

GM: Wow, Reynolds and Braxton have managed to eliminate The Shockmaster!

JV: That’s one problem out of the way, but the entire Schyster Family awaits, so–hey, look! Miz and Gooker have Booger up!

GM: They’ve got him over–yes, and Booger’s out of here! We’re down to seven men!

JV: The Schyster Family, The Miz, The Gobbledy Gooker, and The Mega Crappers! Only one man can win this Royal Rumble, and he’s somewhere in that ring!

GM: The Schyster Family backed off into a corner, it could be four on three if the rest of the herd bands together, and works to break up the group.

JV: Definitely, they could all increase their odds–what was that?

GM: Miz just kicked Braxton right below the belt!

JV: That’s a mistake on his part, unless he’s joined The Schyster Family or something! Has he?

GM: Miz now attacking The Gooker! This crowd is confused; he was just playing into their hands five minutes ago!

JV: Now Reynolds and Miz are tied up, this is good for the Schysters! Look out–THERE’S THE WRITE-OFF ON THE GOOKER!

GM: Gooker nearly gets his beak taken off, and IRS is throwing out what’s left of him! Holy Toledo, we’re down to six!

JV: Miz still fighting it out with Reynolds, and now the entire Schyster Family is descending upon Braxton!

GM: Reynolds throws Miz to the canvas, and now he’s jumping in to save his partner, but Mantaur knees him in the mush! Wow, what a shot!

JV: Reynolds is stunned, I don’t know if–WOAH!

GM: Reynolds ducked a Mantaur charge, and he’s eliminated the Human Bull!

JV: That’s one member of the Schysters gone! IRS and Heidenreich attacking Reynolds with blind vengeance now! They weren’t expecting Mantaur to go now with all three members in there!

GM: Reynolds being picked apart against the ropes, Heidenreich holding him open for those shots from IRS! Braxton still down, Miz really put him in a bad way.

JV: Believe me, you wouldn’t need a wide foot to get both of ’em.

GM: Will you please?! Miz now getting involved–he’s going after Heidenreich and IRS!

JV: He’s saving Reynolds? Get this guy some lithium, where’s Zahorian?!

GM: Miz has changed his mind and has decided to be the hero–ohh, Heidenreich catches him with a knee to the back!

JV: Stopped him dead in his tracks, and there *goes* Miz!

GM: The monstrous Heidenreich throws Miz to his doom, and we’re down to final four!

JV: IRS and Heidenreich of the Schyster Family, and the two Mega Crappers!

GM: IRS now–he keeps Braxton grounded with that running kneelift. Jess, what kind of man wears red suspenders with white dress pants?

JV: The same man that forms a cult based around tax collection, that’s what.

GM: Heidenreich, powerslam and a beauty on Reynolds. Now going over to give IRS a hand with Braxton, who can’t have much left in the tank.

JV: May as well throw em out and move on to Reynolds. They’ve got this one in the bag.

GM: Braxton’s laid out in the corner, Heidenreich choking him with his boot. IRS looking on with a disturbed grin on his kisser. He’s enjoying himself, for sure.

JV: Absolutely, how could he not be? Reynolds trying to get up now, and IRS ordering Heidenreich to take em out. Look at em bark like an emperor!


JV: Out of nowhere, Reynolds planted Heidenreich with the Mic Check, and IRS is in trouble! Reynolds staring him down!

GM: Reynolds running after em–HE’S GOT EM! And now Reynolds is trying to dump him out!

JV: IRS isolated and he’s-MANTAUR!

GM: AWWW, MANTAUR REACHED UP AND PULLED REYNOLDS OUT TO THE FLOOR! He was still at ringside, and he just saved IRS! Come on!

JV: Real Deal Reynolds is out of here, and he’s livid! Going right after Mantaur right out at ringside!

GM: IRS temporarily saved by Mantaur’s cheap actions–ohh, Braxton attacking! He’s got IRS cornered, nailing him with lefts and rights!

JV: He’s gotta watch out for Heidenreich though, although for the time being, IRS’ other henchman is down!

GM: Referees trying to break up the melee between Reynolds and Mantaur, which has spilled into the aisleway. Braxton’s got IRS–DDT!

JV: IRS eats the canvas, but Heidenreich immediately there on the attack! Heidenreich with Braxton up–ooh, misses the clothesline!

GM: Braxton catches Heidenreich with a crescent kick!


GM: Heidenreich slumped against the ropes as Braxton gathers his wits, with the charg–Heidenreich backdrops him out, but Braxton’s still hanging on!

JV: He’s on the apron!

GM: Heidenreich trying to shove Braxton off, and Braxton’s draped around that bottom rope with a death grip!

JV: Heidenreich kicking at Braxton’s legs to try and loos–what’s Braxton got, he reached into his trunks?!

GM: It’s that bandana–he’s shoved it into Heidenreich’s mouth!

JV: He did this at Survivor Series, he’s gagging Heidenreich with that foul piece of fabric!

GM: Blade Braxton—pulling Heidenreich over the top!

JV: I can’t believe this!!

GM: Heidenreich—IS OUT!


GM: Braxton managed to make a desperate elimination as he tries to get–LOOK OUT!



JV: I TOLD you, Monsoon! You can’t stop The Schyster Family!

HF: The winner….of the 2014 WrestleCrap Royal Rumble….IR-win….ARRR….SHY-sterrrrr!

GM: Irwin R. Schyster, big grin on his kisser, has won the Royal Rumble! Blade Braxton survived over 40 minutes in the ring, but IRS ended it with one swing of the briefcase!

JV: And here comes RD Reynolds to run him out of there, what a poor sport! IRS wins, and this glory hog can’t let him have the moment!

GM: IRS, Mantaur and Heidenreich in the aisleway, they as a group can claim victory here at the Joe Louis Arena, while Reynolds tends to a badly-wounded Blade Braxton at ringside.


JV: Whatever shape WrestleMania takes, Monsoon, the spoils begin with IRS and The Schyster Family! Whether these people like it or not, they’re the ones standing tall!

GM: This issue isn’t over with, not by a long shot! And that wraps it up here at the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble! For Jesse “The Body” Ventura, I’m Gorilla Monsoon, saying so long from Detroit!

(None of this would have been possible without the contributions of Catherine Perez, who did every Photoshop job that you see in here. You can personally thank her on Twitter)

(Follow Justin on Twitter for further updates, and to send him any further feedback/ideas)

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook ( and Twitter (
14 Responses to "The Complete 2014 WrestleCrap Royal Rumble from Detroit, MI!"
  1. Mister Forth says:

    Hilarious stuff.

  2. AK says:

    This is the greatest night in the history of our sport.

    Hoping for a surprise Tony Schiavone and Mike Adamle tag team formation.

  3. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    Damn that IRS! Still, looking forward to Wrestlecrapmania!

  4. Down With OPC says:

    I heard Blade Braxton was spotted at White Castle on Woodward after the show.

  5. John C says:

    I was hoping R.D.’s promo would begin with, “Speaking of anal bleeding…” then the rest of the promo. The musical sting in the beginning is so great. The crApp line had me rolling “literally” off my seat.

  6. s1mon86 says:

    I was expecting a Cole victory for a moment

  7. John Q Occupier says:

    Far be it from me to start a chant, but…


  8. Troy says:

    No RD and Blade as 1 and 2 ala Demolition

    I am officially disappoint

  9. JustAGuyGuy says:

    My favorite part was when I realized 500 Canadian dollars is only $456.62 in US currency.

  10. THE Jeffry Mason says:

    Best show ever! Hope big things are coming for Mr. Carless

  11. RD Reynolds says:

    IRS deserved to win.

    Cannot wait for more adventures of the Million Loonie Man!

  12. Thomas Moffatt says:

    I have a new dream – to be at WrestleCrapMania…

    Six man for WCM – Men On A Mission and P N News vs Simon Dean and the Bodydonnas…

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