Legends’ House Episode 4: “Viva Las Vegas”

4 Submitted by on Sat, 10 May 2014, 17:56

It’s time for another edition of Legends’ House, and on tonight’s episode, what happens in Vegas…


…may make you physically ill. Cue the opening credits.

Speaking of which, has anyone noticed that the theme song is a knock-off of Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines”?


The only thing the opening is missing is the large-breasted, topless dancers. Those will come later…


This week’s episode led off with the resolution to last week’s cliffhanger ending, where the Legends’ limo was being pulled over by the cops. Of course, none of the Legends were actually driving, so anyone with an understanding of American traffic law (only the drivers get punished, and even then it’s just a speeding ticket they have to pay, so none of the passengers get hauled off to the Gulag for 10 years hard labor if their chauffeur does 80 in a 70) should not have been too worried about the Legends’ fate. lh4-04
lh4-05Sure, anyone who followed the WWF closely in the 80s may have been worried about Hacksaw being one of the passengers, but the Iron Sheik wasn’t, and the only strange smell coming from the car was Tony Atlas’s uncontrollable gas. Maybe he ate Pat Patterson’s cabbage rolls.
Piper vented to the cameras later on about how Howard Finkel shouldn’t have gotten the big boy seat (or “King Seat”) in the limo. When you sit in that seat, it’s your responsibility to bail the driver out of getting a ticket, and, to Roddy’s silent consternation, Howard didn’t even attempt to flirt with the officer. lh4-06
lh4-07Piper resented Howard for never having wrestled a match, despite the Fink competing in not one…
…not two…lh4-08
lh4-09…but three tuxedo matches, each time getting nekkid. How’s that for paying your dues?
That brings us to the premise of this week’s show, which is devoted entirely to prepping the oldsters to strip in the Chippendales show. lh4-10
lh4-11If you need proof that this show has bottomed out already, bear in mind that the Chippendale challenge should have taken up ten minutes of TV time, tops, but on this show, ten minutes was the amount of time spent on “manscaping” alone.
First up was Hillbilly Jim, whose sweater-like chest hair gets slowly and painfully waxed off. Sure, you’d need Brutus Beefcake-style hedge trimmers if you wanted to tackle Jim’s fur coat with scissors, but were there no electric razors in the salon? lh4-12
lh4-13Speaking of The Barber, do you think that if Ed Leslie had never left WWE, he’d have ended up as Brutus “The Manscaper” Beefcake? The hot wax treatment seems a lot more frightening then those giant clippers.
The methodical stripping-off of his chest hair certainly tested the inner peace of the Buddha of Appalachia. lh4-14
lh4-15The whole ordeal gave new meaning to the term, “waxing philosophical.”
Roddy Piper also went under the hot wax while speaking in his trademarked graphic detail about his privates. If this were Total Divas, he’d be Nikki Bella.lh4-16
lh4-17Strangely, Gene Okerlund was shown later on with his chest hair intact, meaning that the aggressive grooming suffered by Jim and Roddy was optional.
The other side of the “manscaping” coin was the spray-on tan. You’d think it would suffice to show Howard Finkel go through the spray-tan treatment, but with forty-two minutes to fill this week, the producers decided to show Pat Patterson…lh4-18
lh4-19…Roddy Piper…
…and, yes, Tony Atlas getting the same regimen, in case we didn’t take in all the complexities of human orange-creamsicle-ing the first three times. lh4-20
lh4-21No doubt to the surprise of the other legends, Piper opted to get both the left and right sides of his body tanned.
I may have promised to refrain from making gay jokes about Pat Patterson, but Tony Atlas never did.lh4-22
lh4-23Nor did Mean Gene ever promise not to hit on every single woman he encountered. And probably some married ones, too!
After a crash-course in choreography and the erotic art of shirt-ripping (which will surely make you never look at the Hulkster’s entrance the same way again), it was show time.lh4-24
lh4-25Part of the Chippendales routine was a Risky Business-style underwear dance, minus Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock & Roll,” which has been dubbed over in post-production. I can’t imagine Tony Atlas thinking much of this bit; after all, how was this even supposed to be sexy? Everyone kept their socks on.
Okerlund (or, “Overland,” as the announcer called him) put the “Gene” back in D-GENEration X with crotch chops…lh4-26
lh4-27…while Roddy Piper had come to chew bubble gum and shake ass… and he was all out of bubble gum.
Hillbilly Jim was also looking sharp. Well, jagged, anyway.lh4-28
lh4-99Backstage, Tony Atlas started making his pecs pop and — this can’t be an accident — The Funkadactyls appeared to materialize out of Mr. USA’s bosoms to advertise NXT on WWE Network. The Bible says that Eve sprang from Adam’s rib, but Cameron and Naomi sprang from Tony Atlas’s jugs.
You might expect me to feel sorry for the Legends who got roped into this burlesque act, but I feel the worst for Kenny Layne, who didn’t even get acknowledged on this episode. If you had told Kenny in 2002 that in ten years, he’d share a stage with a group of WWE Hall-of-Famers, I’m sure he’d have had visions of Wrestlemania dancing in his head. Instead, he’d end up dashing, dancing, and prancing alongside eight old bucks while middle-aged women begged them to stuff their stockings.lh4-29
TE2-46I mean of all the Tough Enough 2 finalists, you’d think it would be Jackie Gayda who’d end up as a stripper.
Either her, or Linda Miles, dominatrix extraordinaire…shaniqua0
TE2-09…or Jake, who already owned his own fireman uniform.
Okay, I take that back. Kenny isn’t a stripper, he’s a Chippendales dancer. Sort of like how the Legends weren’t wrestlers, they were WWE sports entertainers. So really, what better pairing could there be than the guys who certainly aren’t strippers and the guys who certainly aren’t professional wrestlers?lh4-30
lh4-31The running storyline on the show continues to be the Duggan-Atlas feud (now that the mystery of cabbage rolls has been presumably dropped). Hacksaw flipped out for the cameras after Tony shoved him slightly and told him to shut up. First he helps underprivileged children, and now this!? Atlas is a dead man.
Usually in wrestling, these angles are designed to build up grudge matches down the line, but unless WWE’s planning a second Geriatric Match for Wrestlemania 31, I don’t see it happening. lh4-32
lh4-33Which is a shame, because Mr. USA would fit in perfectly with the Real Americans.
The more I watch this show, though, the more skeptical I am of the storylines being presented. How do we know the legends’ sound bites aren’t being taken out of context? When Roddy Piper spoke warily of “a really dark underbelly” in the Legends’ House, could he not have been talking about Howard Finkel’s spray tan? Or how about when Mean Gene said, “It’s very explosive. It’s gonna happen. Not potentially… it’s gonna happen”? For all we know, he could have been talking about Tony’s gas on the limo ride to Vegas.lh4-34


I can only hope that Legends’ House has hit rock bottom and will improve over the next few weeks. Next Thursday’s show returns to the series’s roots, with a plot revolving around cooking dinner. I can’t see pigs’ feet being a big hit with the Legends; if I were Jim, I’d stick with something out of the WWF’s official cookbook, Can You Take The Heat?

Maybe Jim’s own recipe for collard greens? Or how about this recipe by fellow housemate Pat Patterson…


…or maybe not.

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Art has been writing inductions for WrestleCrap since 2012. He also writes reviews of old Monday Night Raws, posted here every other Sunday. You can find his old reviews at the "How Much Does This Guy Weigh?" blog. Follow him on Twitter @Art0Donnell. Email at: art@wrestlecrap.com