Office
Christmas parties ain't what they used to be.
While
I was never privy to the insanity that apparently took place
back in the 70's (according to TV and film, those things had
everything from guys xeroxing their anuses to drugs to orgies
to guys xeroxing their anuses with drugs while having an orgie),
I have been to a couple back in the 90's that were teetering
on the verge of being a bit over the line. I've seen fist fights,
ugly co-workers playing tonsil hockey, and drinking a plenty.
In fact, one time your old buddy, your old pal RD Reynolds got
so hammered that my boss had to drive me home...all whilst listening
to me begging him not to can me.
If
you ever wanted to know why Blade is often drunk on the show
and I never am, believe me, that night would be the reason.
So
yeah, at my real job (oh no, I think I just broke kayfabe!),
they've toned down office Christmas parties. And when I say
"toned down", I mean "completely eliminated".
It's sad, but it's also the way that apparently companies are
going these days. In the new overly litigious America, that's
the way it has to be. Otherwise Phil in marketing will file
a lawsuit that it was the company's fault he wrecked his car.
After
all, he was drunk on booze the company provided.
Sadly,
this mindset has affected not only 9 to 5 jobs like yours and
mine, it's affected Vince McMahon's company as well. Don't believe
me? Then let's channel the spirit of the Ghost of Monday
Night Raw Past.
2001,
to be exact.
Now
this...THIS was a Christmas party. And why not? The guys
had to work on Christmas Eve for crying outloud.
Ah,
but what a joyous night it is. Not only do we have Vince
in full MISTER MCMAHON mode, we have his stooges, Patterson
in Brisco, dressed up as elves.
Yikes,
I just noticed that.
I
want you all to know that was a legitimate typo there.
Let's
try that again.
We
have his stooges, Patterson AND Brisco, dressed up as
elves.
And
here I was originally just going to make fun of them for
having pointy ears. |
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Just
in case you thought you were watching today's good ol'
PG-rated Raw, Vince brings in Santa's 'reindeers'.
These would be skanky strippers who Vince grunts and
groans about like they are Stacy Keibler in her prime.
They're
not.
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But fortunately, Stacy Keibler - in her prime, I should
add - is sitting right behind him on Santa's lap.
I
should note this Santa has glasses (no doubt displeasing
that little girl in Miracle on 34th Street)
which means it is, in fact, Bubba Ray Dudley. And apparently
Stacy's been VERY naughty.
Tell
me more.
Please.
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More
fun shows up in the form of Booker T, who gives Vince
a big hug. Brisco comes up for more love, and is promptly
given the Heisman.
That
was awesome.
No
doubt you are asking, "RD, these guys are all rulebreakers
(to quote the old Apter mags). Where are the fan favorites
(to quote the old Apter mags)?"
Glad
you asked.
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They
are having their own party, which appears to be taking
place in a supply closet. I mean, I know Vince is the
heel and all, but really, can't Ric Flair do a little
better for his guys than this?
Still,
he gives the greatest "Merry
Christmas!!" you will EVER hear.
I
need to make that my ringtone every month of December.
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I
should also note that this may be the strangest collection
of faces I've ever seen, with the unlikely trio of Albert,
Kane, and Edge hanging out together. Can't believe that
ten years later two of these guys are feuding over a
kidnapped Paul Bearer.
They
were much more entertaining when:
1)
they were downing giant bottles of booze
2)
Jerry Lawler dropping
Christmas Creature references and...
3)
Albert jingled a bell in front of them as they both
looked on like a cat does at a ball of yarn.
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Flair
calls out Big Show to do a strut-off, and the big guy
promptly injures his leg.
Come
on, Show - I expect that from Kevin Nash, not you! |
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The
faces also have a Santa in the form of Yoshohiro Tajiri
who has a Torrie Wilson - in her prime - on his lap.
And
just in case you were still confused that this is still
the Attitude era, Tajiri's gift to Torrie is the world's
tiniest thong.
No
wonder he's got such a big smile on his face!
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More
evidence that booze is flowing tonight: Big
Show doing Hulk Hogan impersonations.
You
know, I bet this is really what a WWF Christmas party
in 2001 would be like: guys getting drunk, strippers,
and Big Show being the comedian.
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In
case things weren't wacky enough (and I hope Bryan doesn't
get upset that I stole his favorite word for this induction),
Debra shows up with cookies.
Now
for you younger Crappers, there was a storyline where
Stone Cold's wife (that would be Debra) baked cookies
that everyone thought were terrible. And
it went on forever and ever and ever and a day.
So
it wasn't all winners back then.
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Back
to the heel party we go, where...
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...Billy
and Chuck exchange gifts in a tender moment.
And
what a great moment it is. I mean, not only do they
get each other headbands with their name on it, prior
to opening the package Billy says, and I quote: "Look!
It has a B! FOR BILLY!"
As
Tiny Tim proclaimed - God bless us! Everyone!
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Over
to Tazz (additional z required per Jerry McDevitt) who
rags on Bubba for "not representing Christmas"
well. Dude, he has a skank on his lap and a bottle of
booze in his hand…what better way can you do this?
Tazz is shewed away by Bubba Claus saying his elves
are taller than Tazz.
Ahh,
WWF and their height jokes never get old.
Or
funny for that matter.
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The
cavalcade of WWF personalities just keeps on keeping
on, this time as It Came From
YouTube! personality Howard Finkel shows up with
two of the "finest looking ladies that money can
buy". It being 2001, that would of course be...
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Moolah
and Mae Young.
And
Mae wants BOOZE!!!
I
suspect this will not end well.
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Back
to the good guys we go, as they are all getting VERY
snookered up and exchanging gifts. Apparently Kane got
Albert and Show Kane masks for Christmas.
Note
to the hobo: I do not want a Blade Braxton mask for
Christmas.
You
either, Kelly.
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Arn
Anderson then shows up to hang with Naitch. You know,
with the booze, the stripppers...I bet these two had
a LOT of Christmas parties like this back in the day.
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And
NOW the party can really start, as Stone Cold shows
up. I'd generally cheer such an appearance without thought,
but that "What?" shirt has me concerned.
You
know, that started out funny.
Then
week 2 it started to get annoying.
By
week 3, I never needed to hear it again.
And
yet, here we are 10 years later and we still hear it
from time to time. Just goes to show you that even the
greats misfire sometimes.
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Austin
hops up on Taji...err, as Austin calls him, TI-JIRI's
lap, and announces what he wants for Christmas: beer,
a 5th of Crown Royal, a shot at Booker T, more beer,
a shot at the undisputed Championship, a brand new pick
up truck, more beer, a deer rifle, another middle finger,
and more beer.
The
beer I get. The title shots, sure. Truck, rifle...why
not.
But
another middle finger?
Where
would he put it?
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Now
every Christmas party I went to back in the day had guys
hitting on chicks in hopes of getting them to buy into
the whole mistletoe thing. Here we have Test trying to
bag Terri with such lines as, and with the God Lord above
as my witness and I am NOT making this up, "Baby,
I am hard as a rock."
Can't
believe she didn't drop to her knees and blow him right
there.
BTW,
I know we make fun of Terri all the time on the radio
show, but remember back when she wore those half shirts
that showed off the BOTTOM of her boobs? Someone needs
to bring that look back.
Just
sayin'. |
In the middle of all this fun is an interview with Maven.
Seriously, they've interrupted a Christmas party for a
MAVEN promo. |
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And
if that's not bad enough, they actually schedule a match.
Now
I could talk about that match, but why on earth would
I when...
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STEVE
LOMBARDI AND HARVEY WHIPPLEMAN show up?
I
don't care if Maven is wrestling the love child of Ric
Flair and Ricky Steamboat, I'd rather be back to see if
Pete Doherty might come walking through the door wearing
a Santa hat. |
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Jericho
(was wondering where the heck he was!) shows up with
the Undisputed belts and talks about a lack of respect.
Little did the poor guy know that the build up for WrestleMania
would be him taking care of Stephanie's dog.
How
on earth have we never inducted THAT gem?
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SPEAKING
OF NIPPLE H…here she is to give her daddy the
gift of horrible acting. Seriously, with a performance
like that, you couldn't get into a sixth grade production
of Annie.
No,
it's actually a money clip with his initials on it. Vince
thinks she's up to something.
Me
too…what a horrible gift.
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If
you're wondering what happened to Tazz, you'll be happy
to know that he left the heel party to go to the face
party. If you ever wanted to know why guys would be
'twiners', it would be for reasons such as this: going
to both good guy and bad guy pro wrestling Christmas
parties.
BTW,
if you're not following Tazz on Twitter, you need to do so immediately.
He sold me on doing so with his fantastic recap of the
Macy's Thanksgiving parade (not making that up). Tell
him RD told you to follow him!
(I
bet he'll tweet you back "Who the F*** is RD?"
At least I hope he does.)
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Of
course, it wouldn't be Christmas without caroling, so
Austin grabs his guitar and starts
crooning.
As
much as I love the Jillian Hall Christmas album, I'd
buy 30 copies of a Rock/Austin Double CD set of holiday
favorites.
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And in the highlight of the night, we get a KANE GUITAR
SOLO.
I
can say without hyperbole that in the 10+ years of this
site, I've never loved an animated GIF more than this
one. I bet this thing shows up on message boards the internet
over in the span of about 30 seconds of this induction
being posted. |
Of
course, all this fun ends as you'd expect a 2001 WWF Christmas
party to end: with Austin beating up Vince... |
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…Mae
Young's underwear around her ankles… |
…and
Pat Patterson looking up her crotch. |
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Eh,
maybe PG ain't such a bad thing after all. |
