Vince Searches For a New Creative VP

9 Submitted by on Wed, 13 March 2013, 18:20

vince

Alright guys, admittedly, we’ve been in a bit of a creative slump going into WrestleMania. Our stories have the direction of Mr Magoo on roller skates, and that’s why I had to let Pankowski go. In addition to not nurturing the ideas of others, his own ideas were forceful and lacked any semblance of continuity. So it’s time for a change.

dunn

He was mean to me! He said I obsess over bodybuilder and Ken-doll types because I look like a deranged beaver and I try to live vicariously through them!

vince

I know, Kevin, I know. That was mean of him to say. We don’t treat the people in the office in any way less than warm and compassionate.

hhh

Oh, I forgot, JR called. He wants to know when we need him next.

vince

You tell that Woodsy the Owl-looking yokel to go choke on his ketchup bottle.

steph

So, uhhh, you were saying about treating each other like family?

vince

Look, let’s not get distracted here. We’re about to make a very important decision that will impact our creative strategies for a long time to come. We need someone with a knack for writing compelling television, and perhaps add some life to these characters, helping them connect with the audience.

hhh

Don’t you mean you just want someone to book 3 minute matches around movie trailers, Touts, Rock’s promos, Cena’s promos, and other self-congratulatory montagy stuff, while doing minimal damage to the credibility of the wrestlers, so that when they lose to Cena, Orton, and Sheamus, it feels like a bigger deal than it actually is?

vince

I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.

dunn

Alright, so what’s the plan? We’re giving them an audition here?

steph

Yes, we have a line of them out there, and they’ll come in and give us their best pitch or pitches. If they seem like they have great creative vision, as well as feel like a strong leader, they’ll be considered for the job.

dunn

How can we tell if they’re a “strong leader” from their creative pitches?

hhh

We could ask if they’re willing to forcibly snatch Michael Hayes’ whiskey away when he’s telling inappropriate jokes to Dave Kapoor.

vince

Hey, I like those jokes! Remember the one about the carpet store and the–

dunn

Vince, you said we needed to focus.

vince

Right, right. *pauses, then busts out laughing* “HA HA HA HA, EAST IS *THAT* WAY, TARIQ! YOU’RE DRUNK AGAIN! HA HA” *pounds fists on the table*

hhh

(under his breath) Ugh, it’s by the grace of God we turned Jinder into a rock star….

vince

Oh, pipe down. It’s like I’m going to piss my pants laughing or anything….

hhh

CONDENSATION. IT WAS F–KING CONDENSATION.

dunn

Well, while you two admittedly hulking hunks are having a, pun not intended, pissing match, we’re just going to go ahead and bring the first auditioner in, if you don’t mind.

vince

Not at all, come on in!

heyman

Good afternoon!

steph

Out of the question. Just….no.

heyman

What, you don’t want someone to tell you that your ideas suck the big one?

steph

Oh, my ideas suck? What about my idea of turning AJ Lee into the Raw GM as a surprise twist? Did THAT suck?

heyman

Yes.

hhh

Yes.

dunn

Yep.

vince

‘fraid so.

steph

What?! Why didn’t anybody tell me they hated the idea?

vince

I won’t lie, sweetheart, ever since your mother and I watched Flowers for Algernon years ago, we’ve had a soft spot for the developmentally disabled. When someone of sub-normal intelligence tries to overcome their hindrances, it inspires me. I root for such people to succeed, because THAT’S a good story.

steph

Wait, hang on, are you saying I’m retarded?

vince

*deep breath* No, you’re not retarded, just….a tad slow. See, in the 1970s, people experimented with drugs in record numbers, and your mother and I had more money than we knew what to do with, so we gave cocaine a try….

steph

No, I’m NOT slow! I CAN’T be! I contributed so many great ideas! My feud with Dad–

heyman

A terrible idea.

steph

Breaking up the Nexus–

dunn

WAY too premature.

steph

Having terrorists attack The Undertaker–

vince

UGH! Don’t remind me!

steph

Putting Michael Cole on Raw–

cole

HASHTAG SUICIDAL HOME VIEWERS LOL

steph

Oh God. Oh my God. MY WHOLE LIFE IS A SHAM! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

window

 

jetway

vince

Anyway, Paul, what would you bring to us in a creative capac–

heyman

Sir, you’re aware that your daughter, and Hunter, your wife, just jumped out of a seventh story window?

vince

Seventh story? Sheesh, I’ve taken bigger bumps than that.

hhh

Oh, I know! And we should probably just call this the “seventh floor.” I doubt my wife even knows a ‘story’ when she sees one.

heyman

Alright, well anyway…..I feel WWE is a bit stuck in its ways. We’re catering the product to families, particularly children, and that’s fine. Because I have 15 ideas that will push the envelope, and usher in a new era of WWE programming.

dunn

We’re not doing anything that involves lesbians, excessive bleeding, swearing, dangerous gimmick matches, or chain-wrestlers that barely come up to my crotch without platforms.

heyman

I have 2 ideas that will push the envelope, and usher in a new era of WWE programming.

hhh

We’re not building the company around Justin Credible.

heyman

I have 1 idea that will push the envelope, and usher in a new era of WWE programming.

vince

Sounds delightful! What is it?

heyman

Because I feel that WWE has fallen into a draconian trap of recycled storytelling, it’s time to look at the next wave of entertainer: the UFC. When Brock came back a year ago, he brought credibility with him from The Octagon, and that legitimizes WWE in so many ways. My idea is to offer good money to UFC fighters that have personalities, and integrate them into the company.

vince

Well hey, that sounds like it could be worthwhile. Do you have any of these fighters in mind?

heyman

Yes, I brought some head and body shots, just to give you an idea. Among the ones that have cult followings are Chael Sonnen and “Big Country” Roy Nelson, and both know how to cut money promos. Ronda Rousey’s catching fire, and has ignited a widespread movement for women’s fighting, so she would be a given for the Divas division.

dunn

EWWWW! LOOK HOW FAT ROY NELSON IS!!!

hhh

He is certainly not buff. I could probably kick his ass.

vince

That Ronda skank has a weird face. I can’t imagine her upholding the duties of a great women’s wrestler by not wrestling and instead interviewing actual male wrestlers on Saturday Morning Slam.

hhh

Hey, tell us about that Sonnen guy. I think I’ve heard him talk before, he’s got the gift of gab, doesn’t he?

heyman

Oh, you bet! He can sell barbecue wings to a woman wearing white silk gloves! He’s drawn big money at the box office and on PPV for his fights with Anderson Silva for the Light Heavyweight Title. So effective are–

vince

WOAH NOW! Did you say “Light Heavyweight”?

heyman

Well, yes, he’s about 185 pounds, but that shouldn’t diminish–

vince

But nothing! I’m tired of all of these beanpoles with their flippy-dippy cane-uh-mah-rana whatamaneuver maneuvers thinking they’re entitled to a WWE contract!

heyman

Vince, Chael isn’t like that! He’s the CM Punk of UFC! He pipe bombs in legit sport!

vince

Yeah, I stopped listening when you said how much he weighs. Look, Paul, this isn’t going to work. I’m happy with you as a manager, but as a creative head, your time has come and gone.

cole

TOUT YOUR MEMORIES OF PAUL HEYMAN TO US, AND WE’LL SHOW THE BEST ONES ON THE AIR.

heyman

*muttering* This is a dark day. I’m gonna be extra grumpy on Twitter later. Don’t even know if shilling HustleBooty temporary tattoos will make it better….

vince

NEXT!

qt

Okay, so like, check this out: we say that Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger are leaders of the Westboro Baptist Church, okay? And they attack Pat Patterson, who protests one of THEIR protests, right? So a group of free-thinking youths, like Punk and Bryan and Ambrose, form this army! They’re not gay, but they’re militant about gay rights, alright? And they avenge Patterson with a machine gun rampage through the WBC, culminating with Punk killing Swagger, right? Now, the narrative needs my signature touch, so we’ll combine elements of this with some spaghetti Westerns that you’ve never watched–

vince

NEXT!

silentbob

I think what WWE is really missing is good dialogue. You have characters, sure, but you need to make them closer-to-home for your audience. Like we know Daniel Bryan prefers a healthy lifestyle, but why? We could explore that. In fact, why not have him and AJ reconsider their romance? Bryan could admit that his veganism and strict choices in life caused him to lose focus on AJ, and thus he took her granted. AJ would be torn, because she has Dolph in her ear, telling her what choices to make, but she’s been harboring this love for Bryan. You know, have these cats have a rebonding moment over their mutual love of The Breakfast Club. Tell me that the audience wouldn’t want to see AJ run back to Daniel’s arms.

hhh

Well hey, we admire your ambition, but that little piss test you took came back black for weed.

vince

Yes, Mr. Smith. I’m afraid you know what means.

silentbob

Wow, I’m humbled. I never imagined you’d let me wrestle Alberto Del Rio at WrestleMa–

vince

IT MEANS YOU DON’T GET THE JOB! NEXT!

bay

CGI explosions. Lots of them. A fleet of giant robots attack Raw, and we’ll have the most annoying pretty boy and most useless female imaginable fight them to save everyone. I’ve tabbed Brad Maddox for the guy part, but you have about 12 good choices for the chick–

vince

NEXT!

david

Do you love miscommunication and smart-aleck dialogue? Good. We do an angle where I induct Bruno Sammartino into the Hall of Fame, but since I’m ignorant and know nothing about wrestling, I accidentally call him “a great Latino icon”. I spend the entire episode of Raw trying to apologize for my ignorant mistake, but I keep making it worse and worse.

vince

This one’s got a chance!

dunn

Yeah, I like that he knows nothing about wrestling. I’m drawing a gold star next to his name. It’s a blue ink pen, but I’m gonna pretend it’s gold.

vince

Mr. David, I think we may be on to something here. What other ideas do you have?

david

Alright, let’s say I accidentally run over one of your champions, maybe Del Rio, and it’s the day of a big pay per view that he’s on. And I’m trying to explain to you guys that I wasn’t in the right mind state because….ummm….

hhh

Come on, think of something! This is actually funny.

david

Uhh, we’ll say I was leaving Best Buy and they were airing this really awful movie on the display TVs. And me and a couple other patrons were making jokes about how bad it was! And because I was doubled over in laughter while driving, I clip Del Rio’s leg outside the arena. But in my haste to explain just how BAD the movie was, I try making the same jokes to everyone backstage to ease the tension and panic, but of course, I just make it worse.

vince

Ha ha, that’d have to be some bad movie!

david

Yeah, I was just in Best Buy today actually, that’s where I got the idea from. Have you ever heard of like, Marine 3 or something?

vincemad

………….

hhh

Kevin, duck and cover…..

fire

ashes

dunn

Uh, boss, do you think it’s good for our public image for you to incinerate a Jewish man?

vince

That depends, is Linda running for anything this year?

hhh

I don’t believe so.

vince

Then much like the WWE Network ads, this never happened. NEXT!

russo

Hiya Vince, Hiya Pawl! Kevin, good to see ya again!

dunn

Oh God no…..

russo

I’M HEAH TO REVA-LUTIONIZE WRESTLING ONCE AGAIN!

vince

Mr. Russo, I don’t think it’s wise for us to bring you back.

russo

Are you kiddin’ me? Pole matches, abortion angles, blood and ref bumps for four minute matches, more swearing than a Tarantino movie! Attitude is back, baby!

vince

I do believe I said you’re not wanted here.

russo

And I’ll make sure that fat pig Jim Ross is never seen on Raw again!

vince

You have redeemed yourself in a way that excites my groin. Continue.

russo

We keep Jim Ross away, and we make sure that Michael Cole never vacates that chair at ringside! Some call it spiteful, but the idea of Cole calling the action over Jim “BAH GAWD BAH GAWD BAH GAWD” Ross brings me great personal joy.

cole

LOL HASHTAG SUCK IT JR. Word up, Vinnie Ru: I’m ALREADY the main commentator on Raw! I spend 3 hours hyping social media ventures and putting over WWE’s movies with a straight face, while laughing at Jerry Lawler’s tired one liners with a laugh that’s faker than Tamina’s reconstructive surgery! And I’m EXTRA OBNOXIOUS when I do it! They even pushed me as a heel for over 2 years!

russo

….they…..they did?

cole

YUP! AND NOBODY LIKED IT EXCEPT VINCE, BECAUSE IT WAS ALL DONE TO SPITE JR! BECAUSE HE MISTREATS JR WORSE THAN YOU EVER COULD! LMAO, I’M GONNA BATHE IN BARBECUE SAUCE AND TEXT A PHOTO OF MY CHIPOTLE SCHLONG TO JIM ROSS. PUT IT ON A WHOLE WHEAT BUN, YOU FAT SCHLUB LOL.

russo

…..I…..what…..what happened to this place? Has it gotten THIS bad? I just wanted to write hacky television! I didn’t want to make the audience endure an endless barrage of thinly-veiled commercials through an obnoxious announce crew! I mean, if I don’t have the freedom to stage a crucifixion of a wrestler, followed by the forced black wedding of the boss’ daughter, then I’m not sure that’s a world I want to live in! I….I think I’m just gonna go home.

dunn

I think that’s everyone, Vince.

vince

Dammit! We wasted a whole afternoon, and we’ve got nothing to show for it! All of those interviews for nothing!

hhh

So what do we do now? Who’s going to lead creative, especially through WrestleMania?

*No Holds Barred theme plays*

vince

*answers cell* This better be important.

bryan

Uhh, Vince, I’m not sure how to explain this, but Kane and I just pulled up, and umm, he noticed your daughter was ice cold, so now he’s having sex with her in broad daylight…..

vince

WHAT?!?!?

bryan

Yeah, umm, I didn’t wanna say anything, but Kane’s going at her pretty hard in spite of the seagulls picking at her. It’s like he’s in some kind of zone, talking about pom-poms and….

vince

THAT’S A BRILLIANT IDEA! YOU’RE HIRED!

bryan

Wait, what?

bryanjob

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
9 Responses to "Vince Searches For a New Creative VP"
  1. fNick Nutter says:

    Brilliant as usual, Justin!

  2. Adam Cota says:

    I can kinda see why Larry David would be drawn to a WWE Creative spot, what with Raw basically being a show about nothing…

  3. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    I think Larry David was on to something there, pity about him being incinerated.

  4. Mike says:

    Entertaining as always, although there really should have been a Russo joke about him wanting to put the WWE title on himself. Oh well, maybe next time.

    Sadly, it doesn’t matter who they put in that position, since everything has to go through Vin…er…I mean Mr. McMahon anyway, and comes out the other end with his warped vision of the original idea.

    That’s a great picture of Heyman, it would give small children nightmares. WWE films should do a remake of ‘The Shining’ with Heyman reprising Jack Nicholson’s role. He wouldn’t even have to act!

  5. Alan says:

    This was hilarious! Awesome ending with Stephanie McVick lol. It’s hard telling what Eric Pankowski had to endure trying to come up with ideas, & no matter how good they once were, having Vince butcher them. WWE is in shambles right now. Fandango? Brad Maddox? Bo Dallas? I rest my case.

  6. Wrestlecrap's Janitor says:

    Bryan (over headset): COLE!
    Michael Cole: Hi boss! What can I….
    Bryan: NO NO NO NO NO!

  7. John Q Occupier says:

    Had me in hysterics. Good job, sir!

  8. BigDaddyDave says:

    Wow. This may have been the best one yet.

  9. Sharpe Puppy says:

    YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

    That is the greatest fucking punchline ever!

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