Vince Holds the WrestleMania Production Meeting

18 Submitted by on Wed, 03 April 2013, 18:49

vince

Thank you for coming. As you know, WrestleMania is the biggest show of the year, and millions upon millions of fans, die-hard and casual alike, will be watching, so we need to make sure everything goes right.

hhh

All of you that are on this show, congratulations; your hard work paid off.

kofi

Yes, Brock, Fandango, and the Bellas certainly earned their paydays.

cesaro

Yes, good on them. I put Aksana into position to not look stupid, had good matches with everyone, and did the ridiculous yodeling thing. That’s hard work, so where’s my match?

ryder

I’d say something, but I lost the will to live months ago. In fact, I already contacted my landlord about helping me install a gas oven. The ceilings are too low for a rope to get decent tension.

vince

Well hey, before you off yourself, can you sign a release form that says CM Punk and/or Randy Orton can desecrate your memory for storyline purposes?

ryder

………..

dunn

Don’t forget, once you’re dead, you can’t sign with TNA for ninety days.

ryder

THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!

hhh

Well speaking of non-sensical, let’s see what my blushing bride put on this format sheet….

vince

Alright, the pre-show from six to seven on the WWE App and YouTube will be nothing but video packages about how nice we are to the troops, how much B-list celebrities love WWE, Touts from barely-educated fans, and some pointless match….

barrett

*sniff* Pointless?

miz

…..pointless? Really?

cole

IT’S THE MOST MUST-SEE SECONDARY TITLE MATCH EVER BROADCAST ON A PERSONAL COMMUNICATION DEVICE IN WWE HISTORY, BE-YOTCH.

vince

Look, just be happy you’re getting a match. We could have left you off the show entirely, like we did with Koko here.

kofi

Who’s he talking about?

regal

Get used to it. He still calls me Les Thornton.

vince

That’s enough out of you, Alfred. Then we come to the main show, where we’ll have the flyover during America the Beautiful. I know I teased a pretty big performance on the Twitter thing, and by God we’ve come through!

hhh

I’m sure it’s a doozy!

vince

….Lilian Garcia!

hhh

But…..Vince, she’s done three times previously.

orton

I’m going to raise some eyebrows with my declaration of agreement, given my propensity for doing the same things continuously with the expectation of approval, but your son-in-law affirms the truth, Vince. Lilian is merely the failsafe for if a star of considerable magnitude and clout cannot be obtained for WrestleMania in time.

hhh

Wow, that was deep, Randy.

orton

It comes and goes.

hhh

Huh?

ortoncrazy

RKO COMMENCE

rko

ortoncrazy2

DURR HURR

vince

DAMN IT, RANDY! You’re lucky Dolph is under 6’4″ tall, otherwise, I’d have sent you home for that outburst!

hhh

Good segue; that brings us to the opener for the WWE Tag Team Championship!

bryan

How long are we allotted for?

dunn

Just a four minute quickie, so don’t get–

yes

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

dunn

….upset.

dolphout

As long as I have time to do my new bump where I dislocate my spine off of Kane’s chokeslam, I’m cool with it.

hhh

After that, we get the other appetizers out of the way. Ryback will go over Henry in about 6 minutes, and Fandango goes over Chris in 7.

y2j

Whatevs, squares. Gives me more time to drink Merlot and think about robots.

vince

Then we’ll bring the Hall of Famers out and let durf-wad Finkel say their names, since that’s all he’s good for these days.

fink

Why do you say such hurtful things about me? I’m your most loyal employee!

vince

Howard, this isn’t the best time for me to be saying this, but you gotta figure that any man who’s loyal to WWE in spite of the steroid scandals, abuse scandals, drug scandals, constant self-important social media pandering and name-brand masturbation must have something psychologically wrong with him.

dunn

Besides, Justin Roberts is sooooooo dreamy!

roberts

Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest…….IZZZZZZZZZZ FOR THE WWE CHAM-PYUNSHIP!

dunn

See the way he rolls his tongue when he lisps? I wouldn’t have to keep buying new jockey shorts if I knew how to do the laundry. *le sigh*

punk

Wow, Cornette was right: Dunn DOES smell like onions when he gushes like a school boy. That’s probably his load.

vince

I’d highly advise everyone sitting on the floor to move to higher ground before Lake Kevin floods you out. Oh, and someone cover Justin Roberts’ face so Kevin doesn’t deliver an aftershock….

hhh

Batting in the clean-up spot is Swagger and Del Rio. That gets about 12 minutes.

zeb

What’s the finish?

hhh

Alberto will go over clean with the Cross Armbreaker, but Swagger will have weakened his ankle through this match. This will lead to Dolph cashing in and winning the title.

adr

¿QUE? ¡Dijo que iba a reinar durante mucho tiempo!

vince

Say it in English, Alberto; this meeting’s not airing in Florida or Texas, so we don’t need you to pander.

swagger

Dude, I don’t know how to convey emotion, but just pretend I look irritated.

dolphout

Do I just run in and pin Alberto? Because I feel like I should land on my head about six or seven times, otherwise why bother putting me in a match?

vince

NO LANDING ON YOUR HEAD FOR NO REASON! YOU DO AS YOU’RE TOLD! I don’t need Chris Nowinski taking residence up my ass again!

hhh

That brings us to the fifth match, Taker vs. Punk. That’ll get about 20-25 minutes, depending on how Taker’s feeling Sunday, but of course Taker goes over to extend the streak. You got your work cut out for you, Phil, trying to top the epic that Taker and I had last year. *smirks*

punk

Oh, I love a challenge. Hey, can I have Shawn be the referee to help fill the slow spots? Oh wait, I won’t need any help with that. After all, my quadriceps are both pretty strong, and I don’t have an ass-ton of ring rust that’ll relegate me to resting for five minutes at a time while my nearly 50-year-old best friend carries the body of the match in zebra stripes. Of course, I never had to leech off of my clearly superior, way more naturally talented best friend through most of my career either.

hhhcry

Why…..would you SAY these things?!?! Feeling….woozy…..

vince

Don’t fall, Paul! Damn it, Phil, if he tears his quad tearfully staggering around, YOU’RRRRRRE FIIIIIIIIIRED!

punk

So by July, I can return to TNA with, oh what’s that? MY RING NAME THAT I OWN?!? It’d be nice to see Aries and Joe again!

vince

…….Paul, sit down and rest your legs; stress isn’t good for them. Also, pick your feet up; Kevin’s still thinking about….you know….

hhhcry

My sledgehammer is symbolic of my strength!

vince

Sure it is, son. Sure it is. Alright, I’ll take over the walkthrough…..after Punk and Undertaker, the Shield will go over Show, Sheamus, and Orton. Show, you’re taking the fall.

showcry

AGAIN?!?!?!

sheamus

Naw worries wee lad. De feud is still yahwng. I dennet have the chance to make Mexican jokes about dat Rollins fella yet.

vince

Wait, Rollins is Mexican? WHY AREN’T WE PUSHING HIM HARDER?!?!

ortoncrazy2

PUSHING MEXICANS IS RETARDED

showcry

Can I at least not look stupid when I lose?

ambrose

Nope.

vince

After that, we’ll have Governor Chris Christie address the crowd. We’ll keep it a non-partisan speech, because Chris’ dynamic and bombastic personality is enough to engage the fans otherwise.

dunn

I don’t like it. He’s too heavyset and un-camera friendly. I recommend pretending somebody else is Governor of New Jersey, and having them speak. Someone who say whatever we tell them to say, especially if the crowd inexplicably prefers the fat guy for reasons like “honest speaking” and “independent personality.”

vince

Then who would you suggest?

cole

HASHTAG MY EARS ARE BURNING SIKE LOL

regal

Well Kevin, look at you, you goppin’ bugger. It’s no wonder you never appear on camera; you’d have to be out of the tree to think YOU’RE a good looking man.

ryder

I’ve swallowed cyanide pills that aren’t as big as your teeth, bro!

dunn

STOP MAKING FUN OF ME! MY MOTHER SAID I LOOK LIKE FRED ASTAIRE!

y2j

Before or after he died?

hhh

Stop crying, Kevin. Only queers cry.

dunn

But you–

hhh

After the six man is my match with Brock, which I’m losing, and will thus be retiring.

crowd

hhhmad

YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY

dunn

It needed to be done, since Paul is taking over full-time this summer when we move Vince into the home.

vince

Wait, what?

hhh

*gritted teeth* Kevin, ixnay on the enior-say enter-cay.

vince

I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS!

hhh

HORNSWOGGLE, NOW!

horny

MIDGET DIVERSION REPRESENT

vince

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. LITTLE PEOPLE ARE FUNNY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

hhh

In 20 minutes, Vince will forget what he was angry about.

cole

TOUT YOUR MEMORIES OF VINCE’S MEMORIES, SINCE HE BARELY HAS ANY. YOUR VIDEOS ARE 15 SECONDS, LIKE HIS ATTENTON SPAN, LMAO.

hhh

So then we’ll give 3 minutes to the dancing doofus eight person tag, and then 30 minutes will go to Cena and Rock in the finale, plus 10 minutes for Diddy to perform beforehand.

cena

DA CHAMP WILL BE…..CHAMP…………………….AGAIN!

vince

Where’s Dwayne at?

dunn

He was supposed to be here via Skype, but he hasn’t logged in.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP*

reigns

Sorry guys, my phone….oh, it’s Dwayne!

cena

What’s he saying?

reigns

Yo cuz, Skype is down  : (  tell Vince I FB msged Horseface my demands…..

steph

Guys, sorry to interrupt, but Dwayne sent me an urgent Facebook message…..

reigns

…BTW don’t say Horseface out loud thatd be dum

hhhmad

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

punk

You know, I really underestimated Dwayne as a person!

vince

Alright guys, listen up. Dwayne wants one hour for his entrance, so we’re cutting the following: the tag title match, the eight-person tag, Bruno’s Hall of Fame stage introduction,  all of Lawler’s dialogue, Jericho/Fandango, and the skit where Mae Young is motorboated by an unwilling Cesaro.

cena

Bulls–t! If he gets one hour for his entrance, so do I!

vince

Alright. We’re cutting Ryback/the black guy, the six man tag, Del Rio/Swagger, Chris Christie’s address, and all ring entrances.

hhhcry

But….I wanted my black bouncy castle entrance….

vince

Alright, we’re cutting Punk/Taker and Paul/Brock, but Paul gets to make his entrance anyway.

hhh

YAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!

vince

So the new format will be HHH making his entrance, Diddy singing, and 3 hours dedicated to Rock vs. Cena, with Cole shilling the app, Tout, and Twitter. And this concludes the production meeting! Go team!

punk

I have the sudden urge to jump off a bridge.

ryder

Wanna take the same car, or should I follow you?

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
18 Responses to "Vince Holds the WrestleMania Production Meeting"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Another Home Run, Justin! Nice! :)

  2. Mister Forth says:

    I’m not sure what was better: The photo for angry Trips, wine lover Jericho, or the fact that Cena & Rock’s entrances could actually knock a match of the show.

  3. Raven7309 says:

    Where to begin? Trips getting pissed when he says that he’s losing to Lesnar and the fans are cheering, Zack Ryder wanting to kill himself, or CM Punk’s comments about owning his ring name. Best article ever Justin. Keep them coming.
    BTW: The IC match bumped to the pre-show??!! We’ve certainly come a long way from Steamboat-Savage. Hell, we’ve come a long way from “Warrior-Rude,” for crying loud!!!

  4. RD Reynolds says:

    Money.

    Though anyone who thinks Trips isn’t winning this weekend…let me know if you’d like to make a wager on that…

  5. John says:

    Teary faced Hunter make me smile.

  6. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    Wouldn’t surprise me if this was anywhere near the truth.

  7. JuJosst Josh says:

    The Dean Ambrose Nope was so unexpected. Even if it has been done to death, this worked.

    And hey, the whole thing was really well done as well. Big thumbs up here.

  8. AlexAlexaAndruanAdru says:

    This was great I loved the Chris Jericho picture. Sadly I could see the Cena/Rock entrances take forever. The I.C. title was bumped??? That’s weak

  9. BigDaddyDave says:

    Orton and Punk may have been the stars of this article.

  10. patricko says:

    This is awesome.
    And likely pretty accurate.

  11. Big wiggle says:

    Crazy orton face should appear more often, it had me dying of laughter.

  12. Stephen says:

    Oh, this was fantastic. Round of applause, Justin. Ryder and Orton were my favourites of the bunch.

  13. Frozen Banana Expert says:

    Dean Ambrose has to be a meme.

    And Seth Rollins is only half Mexican so he’s only going to get half a random-to-the-moon face push because Mysterio is injured again.

  14. BannedFromWrestleCrapForumWithoutWarning says:

    Wow. This was just awesome.

    At least 4 real LOLs.

  15. Walt says:

    Lesnar kicking out of the Pedigree and breaking Triple H’s ankle with a heel hook would be indescribale. Even if he did a low kick, he’d probably destroy the quad. But the “almighty” HHH will win, it’s one of the perks of getting your position by sleeping your way into the family business.

    I gave up watching Worst Wrestling Ever back in 2002, even Total Nonstop Absurdness is very irregular on my to watch list. This Wrestlemania is not making me curious about following sports entertainment, let alone plunking down 59.95. If anyone is stupid enough to fall for that then I have a great timeshare presentation I’d like to show you. Think I’ll stick to old matches on YouTube and online coverage of AJPW’s Junior Hyper Tag League.

    As for the production meeting, Great Job as always, I love reading these.

  16. Peachmeister says:

    Awesome in every sense of the word.

  17. Falcdango says:

    These are genuinely some of the funniest things you guys have ever done.

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