Vince Hears the Awful Truth About a Superstar – A Justin Henry Satire

18 Submitted by on Thu, 07 February 2013, 23:18

hhh

Well, look who’s awake!

vincerx

Yeah, well, it’s kinda hard to sleep on such a thin mattress. Don’t these hospital people understand that, I don’t know, comfort is a necessity for the human body?

JR

They probably heard stories about wrestlers that perform 300 days a year on an uncomfortable canvas, and figured their boss prefers such discomfort for himself too.

vincerx

…..if you value your little mentorship with the kids in NXT, you’ll take that back.

JR

I’m sorry, Vince. You did reduce the schedule considerably–

vincerx

No, not that part. The other part you know is malarkey!

JR

Oh, right. “Sports entertainers”, not “wrestlers”.

vincerx

That’s more like it! So, uh, what brings you gentlemen here today?

hhh

Well, Dad, we wanted to discuss something work-related that you may not want to hear, but it’s something that needs to be taken care of ASAP.

vincerx

Ok, so why’s Jim here?

hhh

Well, the news may not be pleasant for you, so he’s agreed to be your punching bag.

JR

Wait, what? I thought I was here because you needed someone to get through to Vince?!

hhh

That’s why we brought Michael.

cole

HASHTAG COLOSTOMY BAG!

vincerx

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I like it when someone tells jokes that I understand!

cole

WWE Did You Know: 100% of WWE employees not named Jim Ross don’t poop their pants on a regular basis?

vincerx

AHAHAHAHAHA! OH GOD, STOP, YOU’RE GONNA MAKE ME SOIL MY BED! BUT POOP IS ALWAYS FUNNY, SO I’M CONFLICTED!

hhh

Anyway, let’s get to the point of why we’re here, and stop putting bathroom comedy over serious business.

JR

That’s the opposite of how Raw’s gener–

hhh

Yes, yes, I realized it as soon as I said it. Look, Dad, it’s about the ratings for Raw this week.

vincerx

Gee, let me guess, it plunged because Dwayne wasn’t there.

hhh

Well, not exac–

vincerx

I knew I shouldn’t have caved in and given him limited dates. Should have never let my ego take over those negotiations. All he wanted in order to work every Raw through Mania was an extra $10 million, a unicorn, and to see Zack Ryder wrestle the remainder of his days in assless-chaps, but I put my foot down!

hhh

Well, uh, I’m glad you were sensi–

vincerx

I SAID I’D DO EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE UNICORN PART! WHAT AM I, DR. F–KING MOREAU?!

hhh

–ble.

JR

Listen, Raw only dropped from a 3.68 to a 3.56. That’s only about a 3% drop.

vincerx

Well, hey, that’s good, right? We were struggling to even get a 3.2 for a while there, and without Dwayne, things still turned out above the norm. So, what’s the issue?

hhh

Well, it’s a good news/bad news scenario. The good news is that the Brock Lesnar investment is still paying off; his segment with Miz gained about 600,000 viewers.

vincerx

GREAT SKAALAND’S GHOST! We have GOT to do Cena-Lesnar II at SummerSlam, and I think Brock might just get the title! That means you gotta put him over clean at Mania, Paul.

hhh

…….errr, actually, the Twitter feed was raving that Lesnar sucks, and uh, we need more Miz on the shows. They were tuning in to, err, see if Miz would kill Brock….

cole

Lies. All the Miz chatter on Monday came from fans hoping Brock would break both his arms. One guy, @LanceTStorm, said Miz, with broken arms, would probably have better odds of applying a decent figure-four…

vincerx

Paul, remember the time you lied to me and said Dolph was campaigning against Linda during the first Senate run?

hhh

*chuckles* Yeah, that was a good one….

vincerx

YOU MADE ME KILL HIS PUSH AT THE TIME! I NEARLY KILLED HIM WITHOUT A SEMI-VALID REASON!

hhh

Teach that smug bastard to be blonde and muscular on his own time….

JR

Wow, I forgot all about that. You really blew a gasket, Vince, but thank God it didn’t end tragically. Say, how DID Dolph escape the clutches of the Yakuza?

vincerx

We’re getting off track here. Alright, so Brock brought us 600,000 viewers in one fell swoop. What’s the bad news?

hhh

We lost 700,000 viewers in the next segment.

vincerx

WHAT?!?!

JR

Yeah, it was Orton vs. Barrett, and fans bailed out quicker than the XFL’s sponsors.

cole

HASHTAG JR SAUCES THE BOSS

vincerx

Orton and Barrett lost 700,000 viewers? Did JR replace Cole on commentary?

hhh

No, he didn’t–

vincerx

Did Fink replace Justin Manloins Roberts? WHAT? WHAT COULD HAVE CAUSED THE RATINGS TO DROP! MICHAEL, DID YOU PLUG TWITTER ENOUGH?!?!

cole

HASHTAG COLE KNOWS HIS ROLE

vincerx

Wha….this doesn’t make any sense! How coul–WAIT A MINUTE. Orton COULDN’T have faced Barrett! He should have won the RAWActive poll and faced Punk!

JR

Hate to be the one to tell you this, but Jericho smoked Orton in that poll. Wasn’t even close. And Jericho/Punk regained about 150,000 viewers that Orton helped chase away.

vincerx

THIS IS BOGUS. Why didn’t you rig the WWE App so that Orton won?!

hhh

Because we want to cater to the MAJORITY of the fans, and rigging technology won’t help us there, Dad.

vincerx

Since when is it unethical to shaft the fans for personal gain?

hhh

(to Cole) Do NOT tweet that out!

cole

PREFERRING TO KEEP MY JOB IS TRENDING WORLDWIDE

JR

This is what we came to talk to you about, Vince.

hhh

We gave Orton the moon and the stars for 9 years, and he’s given very little back. In addition to being a backstage nuisance, he’s a headcase that had a hand in ruining Kofi’s momentum. He’s also been poorly received at times, as was the case when he beat Christian for the title, and turning Christian heel didn’t make people magically love Randy more. He’s unlikable as a babyface, because he comes off so tightly wound, maniacal, and self-important, and because the stories of his backstage demeanor are public knowledge. He wrestles the same robotic matches over and over again, and is injury-prone to boot. He doesn’t make good decisions, like his motorcycle crash and brushes with the Wellness Policy, and we’ve made countless good men move mountains to get great matches out of him. Now he’s not only failing to win fan surveys against 42-year-olds that our young audience votes on, but he’s driving away 3/4 of a million viewers because he brings nothing to the table. Do you understand what we have to do?

vincerx

……we need to put him over Del Rio for the title?

hhh

NO! THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I’M SAYING!

cole

HASHTAG FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE. Say, that reminds me, I think Lawler’s getting  more out of touch than usual. He was quoting Cool Hand Luke, because he thinks that’s what all the kids are talking about these days. I’m all LOL YOU CRAY.

JR

Vince, why is it so hard for you to admit that Orton isn’t worth his place on the card?

vincerx

Because I know he’s worth that place on the card, and none of your little “facts” can sway me. Those toned arms, piercing eyes, golden skin, slender legs, how can women NOT swoon over him! How can men NOT want to be him! There has to be another reason why fans tuned out. Maybe Randy didn’t have enough bronzer on?

(Musical disruption)

#You have to stand your ground when someone’s standing in your way/You have to be a stronger man, each and every day#

JR

What the hell? Is that the No Holds Barred theme?

vincerx

Yeah, it’s my ringtone for texts. Gimme my phone, please.

hhh

(quietly to JR): What are we going to do? He doesn’t listen to anyone who tries to provide reason and statistics, and it’s just getting worse as he gets older.

vincerx

THAT UNGRATEFUL BASTARD! I WANT HIM FIRED! WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?!?

JR

What’s wrong?

vincerx

Read this text that Cena sent me!

cenatext

hhh

You want us to fire Gabriel?

vincerx

Damn right! Which one is he again, the Funkasaurus guy?

JR

Er, no. And why is a sneeze grounds for termination?

vincerx

Guys, Cena has TREMENDOUS instincts. I never made good personnel decisions until he came along. Like when he told me to get rid of the cheerleader guy because his teeth weren’t white enough, or when he insisted on canning the dreadlock freak because Cena found out he was funneling his money into the KGB. And I would have never known to bury that varsity loser Kiley or Miley if Cena hadn’t told me he’d used ZZ Top’s beards to wipe his ass!

hhh

And you believed him?

vincerx

Of course! If you can’t trust a color-coordinated man who doesn’t let petty things like wrestling matches bother his psyche, who CAN you trust?

JR

Hey, uh, Vince….which one of these controls your morphine?

vincerx

That one, I think. But I’m not in much pain so I don’t……ooooooh……..mmmmmm

psych

cole

Some f–ked up s–t is trending maaaaaaaaan

(2 hours later)

vincerx

Woooah……that was some good sleep. Hey Jim, you’re still here?

JR

Sure am. And someone here wants to have a word with you.

vincerx

Really, who mi–IT’S HIM! MY HERO!

(Friday night, at WWE’s live event in Missouri)

orton

Wait, wait….Vince is taking me off TV, and putting me in the WrestleMania pre-show battle royal, because he THINKS I went back in time and helped negotiate Macho Man’s jump to WCW?

cenahhh

Yeah, someone’s filling Dad’s head with some weird stuff…..

(Follow Justin on Twitter and give him feedback!)

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
18 Responses to "Vince Hears the Awful Truth About a Superstar – A Justin Henry Satire"
  1. Peter says:

    Haha that was funny. That Orton-Barrett match was sad to watch. Well, actually Orton is sad to watch, instead of giving his usual 30% effort it looks like he’s just powered down to no effort whatsoever anymore.

  2. Frank says:

    Everything seems so realistic, including time traveling Randy Orton.

  3. Cory Schibler says:

    Great stuff Justin. Really been enjoying these satires with Vince, JR, and Trips.

  4. Phil Melcher says:

    Orton’s heel run 3 years ago was magnificent. I can’t recall since his face turn one really good thing he’s done. Besides shouldn’t an Apex Predator, Viper, Legend Killer be a heel anyway?

  5. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    Great work, as always, Justin! That last pic is priceless.

  6. Adam Cota says:

    lol “Some fucked up shit is trending, maaaaan…”

  7. I'm Not Using My Real Name says:

    Orton vs Barrett has been done so many times. It’s ridiculous how many times we see the same match. Orton fought Cesaro 3 or 4 times in about two weeks. Ryback and Cesaro fought a few times in about a week. Orton and Barrett has been their go to match for a while. After I see a match 4 times on TV for free why am I going to pay for a PPV to see it again?

  8. VDM says:

    This is easily the best thing I’ve read on the site since the relaunch.

  9. patricko says:

    this was really well done.

    I watched the match, and my god but Orton’s boring in the ring.

    So much so that it makes me pay attention to other matches more, but in a bad, “does-this-wrestler-phone-in-the-exact-same-match-everytime-too?” kinda way.

    Did ratings actually drop as described, or was that piece of info just part of the awesomeness of Justin’s post?

  10. Frank says:

    How did Dolph escape the Yakuza? Maybe you can do a story about that, and the Yakuza is nothing but Japanese wrestlers trying to kill Vince.

  11. Down With OPC says:

    Yep, fast forwarded right past the Orton match.

  12. Maffew Gregg says:

    You’re really hitting these out of the park fella.

  13. Peter Santellan says:

    Good thing I wasn’t drinking anything, or else my computer screen would have some of that drink all over it.

  14. Thomas Crain says:

    Sweet Christmas, that last pic is the best punchline I’ve seen in ages.

  15. Thomas Moffatt says:

    While I’m no serious fan of Randy Orton he should be applauded for stopping Kofi Kingston’s momentum – okay he jumps about all over the place but he is the WORST on promo’s in wrestling today…

  16. RD Reynolds says:

    Great Skaaland’s Ghost!!!

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