With the news of THQ relinquishing their license of WWE’s video game franchise (you can only run over a shocked and unaware Teddy Long so many times before it gets just slightly less hilarious) to Rockstar Games’ parent company of Take-Two Interactive, this finally opened the door for a dream game I have envisioned and even partially designed for the last ten years: A WWE version of Grand Theft Auto.
The worlds after all are a natural match, are they not? I mean, immigrants doing jobs in a futile attempt to better their position? Check. Black people never really getting ahead? Check. A slew of DUI’s and alcohol-fueled shenanigans in Florida? Check. A wide variety of seemingly disposable and replaceable whores, the next looking so much like the last? Check. Gleefully beating John Cena to death with a baseball bat, before making a grand escape via cumbersome jet-pack? Perhaps one day.
But for now I have the vast reaches of my glorious imagination –or what’s left of it — to work with. (This might be a good time to tell you that I have been taking performance reducing drugs). And what I have always *actually* had in mind was a GTA emanating from a truly *different* locale; one that is begging to be represented: the greatest and most heralded city that never existed!: PARTS UNKNOWN, BABY. The City of Champions! A birthplace where all strange muscular men in face-paint are seemingly reared, and a quaint community I like to picture say Ax of Demolition nodding to former rival, The Barbarian in, in unspoken neighborliness, as both men waddle out at 7am on a Sunday morn, paint-smeared, leather and fur bathrobe-covered, to fetch their respective Newspapers. It must be nice. Can’t you just picture The Ultimate Warrior going for a nice suburban run in your mind? Then never ever knowing when or how to stop because there are no ropes? Or how about yards filled with clotheslines for as far as the eye could see? Literal clotheslines. The earmark of all face-painted ruffians! (I imagine laundry would be excruciating there.).
Below, you can see the beginning stages of what I hope will one day come to full fruition, and other words that no one really uses in real life. A game where you can stab people with The Warlord’s little W fork. Where Ultimate Warrior can *truly* self-destruct via explosives wired to his taught torso. Where Doink the Clown can go on a hilarious murder spree with a detachable arm. Where you can decapitate random people, not with a katana sword, but with the actual Demolition Decapitation itself. A place where you can go to ANY upscale clothing store and have your choice of fur, studs or tassels like any god-fearing heterosexual man. A place where you can kill a woman accidentally, and then have a person of influence cover up your crime! (SUUUUUUPERFLY).
But for now, it is all a dream. The dream of a man who desperately needs psychological help I’m told. So please enjoy the screenshots below. And pay no mind to the man behind the curtain. (Yours. I’m in your room right now….).