Forget Be-A-Star. Meet Grow-A-Pair.

18 Submitted by on Tue, 29 January 2013, 23:50

regal

So some grotty muppet took the piss out of you.

hansen

OR CALLED YOU A TEENY WEENER

harley

Or stole your polio leg braces and made you crawl home

orndorff

Fact is, kids are bullied every day; in school or at the playground

finlay

And it’s time for these kids to do what’s right.

funk

But not by being no little sissy-boy star!

brock

By growing a pair.

harley

Do you think I told mommy or daddy what happened to me?

orndorff

You can’t take s**t from these mealy-mouthed pricks

regal

Let the duffers know you’re no divvy

harley

Bullying made me want to beat polio

brock

You think I let some inbred yokels call me names?

funk

Stand up for yourself, you spoiled, egg-sucking toad!

harley

Know how I beat polio? Know what gave me strength?

orndorff

I’ve got broken knuckles from putting an end to their taunts

harley

F**king their mothers, that’s how

finlay

I’ve killed 11 bullies in my life

brock

Crushed more bones than a slaughterhouse

harley

The bullies now legally have to call me Dad

hansen

Beat one into a coma with a riding crop, I did!

funk

Forget that s**t they teach ya on the television!

regal

Anti-bullying campaigns are just skanky naff

orndorff

Who needs an adult when a crescent wrench will suffice?

brock

We never needed a “pledge” to maintain order

harley

Those assholes are in their sixties, and I still make em mow the lawn

funk

Life doesn’t need a Geneva Convention, it needs martial law!

finlay

Make that 12 bullies. Beat one to death while waiting my turn to talk

orndorff

So stand up for yourself

hansen

Take matters into your own hands

funk

Fix the problem yourself

harley

Make em watch you f**k their mothers, and bathe in their salty, PMS-tears

finlay

Grow a pair

regal

Grow a pair

brock

Grow a pair

haku

AND RIP OUT ONE OF THEIR F**KING EYES AS A SOUVENIR!

gaplogo

(Special thanks to Catherine Perez for the Grow a Pair logo!)

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
18 Responses to "Forget Be-A-Star. Meet Grow-A-Pair."
  1. Cody White says:

    Brilliant, just simply brilliant.

  2. Frank says:

    Loved the Haku bit at the end, it was all brilliant.

  3. Down With OPC says:

    “The bullies now legally have to call me Dad” is the best line I’ve seen all day.

  4. Greg says:

    Why Haku wasn’t put in jail for that incident I’ll never know. I still think Coage could have taken him in a real fight.

  5. Kage says:

    Fuck yeah.

    I wish bullying could still be solved with a bit of ass kicking, not today’s namby-pamby “I’ll sue you” PC bullshit.

    And before some hippy asshole calls me something like ‘knuckledragger’ or ‘mouthbreather’, know that me and my brother were victims of severe verbal bullying (at school), and physical (at home). Sometimes the only way to make it end is to show them that you’re not a helpless victim, and the most effective way is by beating some sense into your tormenters.

    Violence begats violence? Fuck off. Look at the litany of disrespectful, deranged and horrible kids and teenagers in today’s world, and tell me that they don’t deserve the beatings they never got from their parents/teachers.

    Now, believe it or not, but I’m not a violent person. I will always try to find a peac

  6. Kage says:

    Fuck yeah.

    I wish bullying could still be solved with a bit of ass kicking, not today’s namby-pamby “I’ll sue you” PC bullshit.

    And before some hippy asshole calls me something like ‘knuckledragger’ or ‘mouthbreather’, know that me and my brother were victims of severe verbal bullying (at school), and physical (at home). Sometimes the only way to make it end is to show them that you’re not a helpless victim, and the most effective way is by beating some sense into your tormenters.

    Violence begats violence? Fuck off. Look at the litany of disrespectful, deranged and horrible kids and teenagers in today’s world, and tell me that they don’t deserve the beatings they never got from their parents/teachers.

    Now, believe it or not, but I’m not a violent person. I will always try to find a peaceful solution to any conflict…but sometimes, scum will just NEVER learn unless someone gives them a knuckle sandwhich.

    Now, am I saying that people should fight to solve their issues? Heck no, but sometimes their is no other option. Leftist pacifists may damn me for such a statement, but I AM a leftist pacifist (well, almost-pacifist), and I give to many charaties. I also have a BA Honours degree (and am working towards my Masters), so I’m not exactly ‘stoopid’.

    Jesus…I’m ranting too much. On topic, funny as hell Justin!

  7. Kage says:

    Addendum – sorry about the double post…

  8. Adam Cota says:

    You know, I met Harley Race once – pretty cool guy, but I never once got the impression that he punished bullies by fucking their mothers and forcing them into yard work…

  9. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    King Harley Race was the best thing about this article, until the King Haku bit at the end.

  10. Jozzy Von Rokkenstein says:

    I was bullied quite heavily in grade 9 & 10…then, one day I went all “Festus/Joseph Park” and, as Stan Hansen put it, f*cked their mothers!

    The bully outweighed me by over 100lbs, but, at the hands of the ol’ Jozzman, suffered a laundry list of injuries long enough to make Brock Lesnar tentative about stepping into the Octagon with me!

    That bully turned into a candy ass,, crybaby bitch faster than a Danny Davis 3 count, had me charged with assault, took me to court, and dropped out of school to avoid Round 2!!!

    I grew a pair the size of Vinnie Mac’s “grapefruits” on February 13, 1999, and haven’t looked back…be a star? How about, Beat an Ass-Clown to the point of retreat, Eat his children, f*ck his mother, and laugh hysterically at his TEENY WEENER!!!

    If you smelllllllllll…what JVR is cookin’!!!!

    • Rob Brown says:

      If you can do that, then great.

      Not everybody can. Some people who challenge their tormentor to a fight just end up getting their asses kicked and laughed at even more.

      So there needs to be a way for the people who aren’t as tough as you were to get help, JVR. Otherwise the status quo is going to continue. The status quo of teens killing themselves and/or killing other teens because they’ve been pushed past their breaking point without anybody doing anything about it other than telling them to solve their own problems.

      • Jozzy Von Rokkenstein says:

        Agreed Rob,

        I could have, very conceivably, gotten my ass handed to me that day. Bullying is undeniable, and something that has affected me long term. Ya, I handled it back in the day, but all that did was turn ME into the bully. I have no regret, because that prick got what he deserved, but that doesn’t make it right.

  11. Peter Santellan says:

    Another classic.

  12. Peyote Coyote says:

    Blessed by Harley Race.

    And Haku at the end made me cackle.

  13. hobu0 says:

    F*cking hilarious! Greatest website ever.

  14. No Pants Mafia says:

    Wrong but funny, or more accurately funny because it’s wrong.

  15. Greg says:

    Another note. I know that Haku was touted as being legit “tough”, but there’s another guy who was tough as a damn brick, but you never hear about him. Jerry Blackwell. A guy his size that could move like he weighed half as much, could punch nails through a 2X4 with his damn forehead, and competed in the World’s Strongest Man competition is not to be underestimated.

  16. apestench says:

    Don’t you just love the WWE’s “Don’t be a bully, now excuse me while I go beat up somebody.” campaign. And they also promoted “No name calling” week.

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