Text By Jed Schaefer

What if...Rikishi Wasn't the Guy Who Ran Over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series 1999?

Part VII

Raw: Feb. 26, '01

 

Steve Austin limps to the ring as Raw begins, looking less like a wrestling and more of a battlefield victim, with bandages, bruises and stitches to address his many wounds. His temper and snarl, however, look as healthy as ever. "Last night, in front of the world, Stone Cold Steve Austin beat the livin' hell out The Rock, just like I said I would!" The crowd cheers, but not as enthusiastically as they once would have; whether it is because of the previous night's revelations, or the murderous intentions shown by Austin the night before, nobody can be certain. "But just as I was about to get my revenge on The Rock, BAM!, here comes another damn Lincoln and crashes into me, and it's that jackass in the gold suit. Now, I been accused of bein' thick sometimes, but ya ain't gotta be a genius to see what's goin' on here. And that's why I'm out here, because I got two things I need to do tonight. The first," says Austin, lowering his head a little, "is I need Rocky to come out here so I can look him in the eyes and say what I need to say like a man."

 

The Rock, looking as bad off as Austin does, limps down to the ring. Without a shred of malice, but likewise missing any sense of friendly atomsphere, Rock approaches Austin, looking him dead in the eye from mere inches away. "Last night," says Austin, "you took me further then I ever been in a match. You and me, we may never see eye to eye, but you may be the toughest damn guy I ever fought." Austin pauses, sticks out a hand. "And I owe you an apology." Rock looks down at the hand and back to Austin's eyes, knowing Austin's usual trick. "I ain't pullin' nothing, Rock. Last night, in front of the world, you showed up for the fight of your life. You knew I was lookin' ta cripple you, and you didn't back down once, even though you said you wasn't guilty. And ... I think I shoulda known. You may be a loud-mouthed, snot-nosed punk, and you may be a son of a bitch, but the one thing you ain't never been is a liar. I can't take back what I did to your family and your life ... all I can do is apologize. I owe ya that."

 

Rock lingers over it a moment, then accepts the handshake to the delight of the crowd. Once done, Austin then adds; "And I owe someone else something, and I think you owe it, too. We owe that guy in the gold jumpsuit the ass-kicking of a lifetime!"

 

The music of Chris Benoit hits; he steps out onto the stage, Intercontinental Championship on his shoulder, and a world-class smile on his face. "Gentlemen, gentlemen," says Benoit, "I'm afraid you're going to have to wait--"

 

"I wasn't talkin' about you, ya dumb bastard!" snaps Austin. "I'm talkin' 'bout the guy who ran me over a year and a half ago!"

 

Benoit blinks and actually takes a step back. "I know your brain may be rattled from last night, Stone Cold, but--"

 

"Did you not hear what Stone Cold Steve Austin said?" asks The Rock. "Here, since you're Canadian, let The Rock give you a Texas-to-Canada translation: know your role, and shut your mouth! You see, The Rock knows your game, Chris Benoit. The Rock knows ... stupid guy, wears a gold Elvis costume and a mask ... wins the Rumble ... you piss and moan for weeks, 'Kurt Angle owes me, Kurt Angle owes me!'. Suddenly, here you are, wearing the dumb little costume, saying you won the Rumble. Ties up neat in a little golden bow, right? Well, it's a load of monkey crap!"

 

"It is not! I--"

 

Of all things to interrupt Benoit's protests, no one expects it to be the audience, who react as one with shock at the face on the TitanTron ... or, the lack of a face, covered by a gold mask. Benoit turns his head up, sees the Golden Champion on the screen and flips out. As Benoit fumes and hollars about how this isn't right or fair, William Regal comes out. "Last night, Chris Benoit, your actions gave me enough reason to see you terminated without warning. You are a despicable, rotten, sorry excuse for a person, and I should send you packing ... but if I fire you, you'll never answer for your crimes against all the people you've hurt here, and quite frankly, I don't even know anymore how far your crimes extend. Tonight, you will start repaying that debt, though, when you square off against The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin!"

 

Benoit completely flips his lid, throwing the title belt. "I don't get a partner? What kind of--"

 

"Oh, you'll get a partner alright," says Regal with a malicious grin. "Somebody who I believe those two gentlemen want a scrap with just as much as they do you." Regal looks up at the TitanTron, sending the crowd over the edge. "By my order, I am commanding the Golden Champion to appear as the partner of Chris Benoit, or he will forfeit his slot at WrestleMania!"

 

Benoit's eyes go wide, almost in horror; above him, the cameras catch the golden-dressed mystery man fly off the handle--albeit silently--throwing things around, wherever he is. Regal is about to step away when he stops and taps Benoit on the shoulder. "Oh, sunshine? For disrespecting the title belt as you did, I'll see to it you'll be facing a fine so large, you won't eat for a week. And you can expect a sound thrashing by me at WrestleMania 17 as well!" Regal sucker-punches Benoit, smoothes out his suit, waves to the crowd and goes backstage.

 

The first match of evening is a huge 8-man tag, pitting The Radicals and Steven Richards against Undertaker, Triple H, Chris Jericho and Val Venis. The Radicals come with Trish Stratus and Kane in tow, but both stand with arms crossed in the corner, scrutinizing the performance of their team. The Radicals almost ignore Richards' presence, which, to their detriment, turns the match into a 4-on-3 handicap; eventually, Richards has enough of being ignored and drops away, officially leaving the team. The numbers advantage helps the opposition press their dominance and put away the three Radicals, with Venis getting the winning pinfall. As Venis and his teammates leave the ring, Trish and Kane enter, walking up to Guerrero, who immediately falls to his knees and begs for another chance. Trish smiles an entirely humorous smile, caresses Guerrero's cheek, and takes a step back so Malenko can bash Guerrero in the back of the head with the Tag Title belt. Kane picks up Guerrero as Malenko lays out his title belt on the mat; Kane drives Guerrero headfirst into the belt with a tombstone piledriver. As Malenko and Saturn pull Guerrero to his knees so Trish can slap him and spit in his face, Big Show enters the ring, grabs Kane and chokeslams him to hell and back. Malenko and Saturn charge, but Show hits stereo chokeslams, leaving Trish alone in the ring with the giant athlete. Trish begs and pleads for her safety, but Show hears none of it and plants Trish alongside her compatriots on the mat, sending the crowd through the roof. Show picks up Guerrero's lifeless body, drapes him over the shoulder, and carries him to the back.

 

With the tag title situation a total mess, a triple threat singles match is signed to help the teams blow off some steam, pitting Bubba Ray Dudley against Edge and Matt Hardy. The match breaks down barely inside a minute, with the respective partners getting involved, before Malenko and Saturn come back out and join the fray. The ref has no choice to but to throw the match, while everyone gets pulled apart.

 

Shane McMahon, not seen in over a month prior to the previous night's interjection into the WWF Title match, comes out to a raucous reception. Shane soaks in the applause for a bit, then asks everyone to quiet down so he can speak. "I'm sure you're all wondering where I've been for the past month. I'm sure there might even be a few of you who are mad at me for not sticking around while my father has turned the WWF into a nightmare for the WWF Superstars." The audience responds with more applause, putting down the thoughts of ill will over his absence. "You see, I was gone for a month because I discovered the truth. My mother, Linda, did not take a leave of absence to deal with the impending divorce of my parents. My mother ..." Shane pauses, holding a hand to his mouth, obviously choking up. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and continues. "My mother was devestated by my father's demand for a divorce. And when my father learned of this, he had her so medicated, she doesn't even respond anymore. She sits in a chair and stares out the window all day; she doesn't talk, she barely moves, and she has to be fed like some kind of invalid!" Shane's hands tremble with rage as he speaks; his forehead gets clammy with sweat, his eyes get wide like spotlights. "My father manipulated my mother and put her in a catatonic state, so he could muscle her out of her position as CEO of the World Wrestling Federation!" Shane turns towards the ramp, the rage coming off him in almost visible waves. "How can you do this to your own wife, Vince? To the mother of your children? Vince, you senile old bastard! I swear to God and everybody here, on my honor, I will not stop until I beat you at your own game and drive you out of the WWF forever!"

 

"No Chance In Hell" cues up, bringing out Vince McMahon, arms puffed out as if he were a champion body builder. Vince looks all too proud off himself, even as his only son looks at him with endless contempt. "Shane, Shane, Shane," says Vince. "Your mother's condition is purely brought on by her inability to cope with the stress of losing the comfortable life I've given her. You have to face the facts: your mother always has been a gold-digging whore--" The crowd nearly comes out of their seats at this; Vince sneers at the audience. "You'll shut up when I beat the living hell out of the WWF Commissioner in a few minutes!" he says, strutting down to the ring. Vince gets in the ring and gets right in Shane's face. "You also need to face the fact that you will never stack up to me, Shane. I was a better student, I'm a better businessman, and I'm a better wrestler." Vince rears back and slaps Shane, but Shane brings his head back to bear, glaring at his father with raw hatred. Vince stares in shock as Shane seethes, his hands balling and loosening over and over again. Vince doesn't notice William Regal enter the ring and stand right behind him until Shane slaps Vince so hard, the blow turns Vince around; Vince staggers right into Regal, who grins before unleashing on Vince's chest with vicious knife-edge chops. Shane ducks out of the ring and instructs the timekeeper to ring the bell, turning the beatdown into the official contest, which sees Vince get beaten from pillar to post. When Regal locks in the STF, a tap-out is all but assured, until Chris Benoit comes and attacks Regal, drawing the DQ. Shane jumps in the ring and goes after his father, but Vince's army rushes the ring and pulverize Shane, then pull Vince out and leave Regal for Benoit to dissect.

 

Kane, fresh off his decimation of Eddie Guerrero, comes at Big Show with renewed fury, but Show won't wilt against the Big Red Machine. When Kane can't land a chokeslam on Big Show, he leaves the ring and grabs a chair, blasting Show in the head to draw a DQ. Kane is all ready to maul the giant with the chair, but Guerrero hobbles down the ramp with the fire of vengeance in his eyes and a chair of his own in his hands. Kane catches sight of Guerrero and beckons him to get in the ring and fight, taking his eyes off Show, who gets back up to his feet as if nothing happened, spins Kane around and plants him with a chokeslam of his own. Guerrero and Show gesture to each other, both now bonded by being exiles from Vince's favor.

 

The biggest main event in Raw history kicks off with the introductions of The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Both look absolutely horrible and in no shape to compete, but neither look like they'd miss the opportunity before them for the world. Before the ring announcer gets to introducing their opponents, Austin steps up to The Rock, and for a few tense moments, the rivalry looks to be simmering again ... until Austin extends a hand. Rock accepts it without hesitation, sending the audience into overdrive with cheers. The contrast of the peace brokered between the two long-time rivals is countered by the first man coming down to the ring, Chris Benoit, a man responsible for spreading poison in nearly every corner of the WWF. Behind him, the masked mystery winner of the Royal Rumble, now a figure of skepticism and mistrust in the WWF. The Golden Champion drops away from the apron, forcing Benoit to take the lead in the match, a move the announcers speculate is out of spite. For almost ten minutes, Benoit is forced to endure a thorough beating as Austin and Rock trade off pounding on the Intercontinental Champion; every advantage Benoit earns, either Rock or Austin has no moral qualms about ending with an illegal attack from behind. Benoit manages to snap off a brutal German on The Rock and staggers towards his corner, only for the Golden Champion to come into the ring and nearly separate Benoit's head from his shoulders with a clothesline, then leaves the ring again and backs up the ramp, leaving Benoit to the wolves. Austin gets the tag, snaps off a Stunner and gets the pinfall, and is just as quickly on his feet again, as is Rock, looking towards the Golden Champion. He backs up the ramp, shaking his head at Rock and Austin, not seeing the line of security guards behind him, led by Regal until he actually bumps into Regal. Before he can find an escape or even beg for mercy, Austin and Rock storm up the ramp, dragging him by the arms down to the ring as he kicks and thrashes, but he twists enough to get the grip loose and scrambles to the outside, where Benoit pops up and drops him to his knees with a vicious chop across the chest. As the Golden Champion holds his smarting chest, Benoit grabs the mask and rips it off. For a handful of seconds, the only sound in the arena is over 10,000 people gasping simultaneously. Austin and Rock watch from the ring, perplexed as the security force swarms down to take the person in for questioning, and presumably for their safety. But while Austin and Rock are left scratching their heads, the audience's mindset quickly gels upon seeing the Golden Champion revealed as Kurt Angle: unbridled disgust.

 

Smackdown: Mar. 1, '01

 

A WWF Tag Team Title defense, pitting the Radicals against former friends Eddie Guerrero & Big Show, and a big confrontation between William Regal and Shane McMahon teaming against Vince McMahon and his reluctant partner Chris Benoit, highlight Smackdown's in-ring docket. But what everyone wants to see, what has been promised in television  and radio ads, and on the WWF website: an on-demand appearence by Chris Benoit, explaining exactly what happened on Raw, his role and what exactly is going on with himself and Kurt Angle. Angle himself is banned from the arena while continuing to undergo intense interrogation (and protective custody), while the five victims of the confusing conspiracy--Steve Austin, Undertaker, Triple H, Chris Jericho and The Rock--are blockaded in dressing rooms while Benoit is in the ring.

 

Commissioner William Regal leads a battalion of security guards marches out of the back and down the ramp; in the middle of the squadron is the second-most hated man in the World Wrestling Federation, Chris Benoit. Regal urges the crowd to calm down so Benoit can speak. When the audience finally, after several minutes of uninterrupted heckling, quiets down, Regal steps up to Benoit, shaking his head, a mask of disgust on his face. "Before I give you the floor, Chris Benoit," says Regal, spitting out the words, "I want to say something to you. When I was at my lowest point, I looked up to you as the model of behavior I should follow to turn my life around. So to see the scoundrel you've become is nothing short of horrid. You make me sick, and I have no expectations that whatever feeble excuses you plan on spewing forth tonight will make any difference in the hearts and minds of these fans, or of myself." Regal shoves the microphone into Benoit's hands, then, quite uncharacteristically, spits in Benoit's face. Benoit doesn't even blink, and only wipes away the spit when Regal leaves the ring. When Regal disappears to the back, Benoit finally begins speaking.

 

"I am not out here because Commissioner Regal forced me," proclaims a defiant Benoit. "I am out here to right a wrong. I am out here to correct an injustice. Kurt Angle screwed me, and I am out here to tear him down. When I arrived here in the World Wrestling Federation a year ago, I came here looking for opportunity I couldn't get elsewhere, only to find myself the victim of a corrupt Commissioner and an uncaring owner. Kurt Angle approached me after Unforgiven last year, and he told me about a plan he'd been working on for over nine months, a plan that had already eliminated two big WWF Superstars, and with my help, could take down more. He told me how the most important of his Three I's was Intelligence, and he used his intelligence to eliminate Steve Austin by running him over at the 1999 Survivor Series, and he'd used his intelligence to plant evidence to frame The Rock when the time came. He told me how he'd been trying to break up Triple H's marriage to distract him, but Stephanie had decided to stay with Hunter, so he came to me and asked for my help. We used the Right To Censor and we framed Chris Jericho as a homewrecker, while Mick Foley created such a mess of the Austin case beyond our wildest fantasties that we could only help fan the flames. Every move he made ... the fake eyewitness confession about seeing The Rock in the parking garage ... entering the Royal Rumble under a mask so he could keep Austin and The Rock from winning ... everything that Kurt Angle has done in the past six months, he's done with my help." Benoit pauses, his lip curling up, his brow furrowing. "And when it was all done, when everybody Angle was afraid of was put in their place, and he'd won the Rumble, I went to him and I asked him for my payment, my WWF Title shot. And he refused!" Benoit walks up to one of the cameras, leveling a finger. "Kurt Angle, I know you'll watch this somewhere, somehow, and I want you to understand: you do not screw Chris Benoit! I will make your life a living hell, Kurt Angle! I've already destroyed your little conspiracy, and now, I'll make your life a nightmare until WrestleMania! You owe me a World Wrestling Federation Championship match, and I'll get it ... or I will show you why they call me the Crippler!"

 

No sooner is the confession over then Chris Jericho is in Regal's office, demanding a piece of Angle's hide at WrestleMania. Jericho reminds Regal about his victory in the four-way elimination match not a couple weeks before, and how Angle hasn't been able to defeat him fair and square in any of their WWF Title confrontations. Regal tells Jericho he will consider it and let him know next week.

 

Smackdown gets the mirror triple threat of the Dudleys/Hardys/Edge & Christain rivalry, featuring D-Von, Christian and Jeff. Like Raw, the match deteriorates quickly, and the partners of the respective wrestlers jump in the fray just as fast, forcing a no-decision. From the back, the tag champs, Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn, watch with smug satisfaction as their enemies tear each other apart.

 

As Regal relaxes with a cup of tea, his door explodes open on the heels of Triple H, who overturns a chair and demands a shot at Angle at WrestleMania. Like Jericho, Triple H brings up how Angle has yet to beat him sqaurely, and also reminds Regal of his pinfall victory over the champion in September. Unlike Jericho, though, promises to review the situation and get back to him doesn't satisfy Triple H, who takes out another chair before Regal jumps out of his chair and reiterates, this time in firm, threatening tone of voice, that if he doesn't stop tearing up the office, Triple H will find himself on the outside of title contention for the rest of the year. Reluctantly, Triple H leaves, vowing to come back on Monday if he doesn't get an answer first thing.

 

Val Venis enters the ring, accompanied by the APA, set to do battle with Bull Buchanan, a "qualifier" set by Steven Richards that Venis must win if Venis wants another crack at the Right To Censor leader. In a rare show of forethought by the RTC chieftain, Richards directs The Goodfather and Ivory to come backstage with him, so as not to cause a disqualification for their man. Unfortunately, without the gang behind him, Buchanan seems lost and is easy prey for Venis, who wrestles with a newfound fire as he dismantels the big bully. The RTC tries a bumrush after the match's closing bell, but the APA, true to their word, provides some back-up muscle to drive the white-shirted worms back into their holes.

 

Regal replaces the last piece of upturned furniture in his office and sits down to enjoy a new cup of tea, only for the door to burst open again. This time, it is Undertaker, who proceeds to undo all the repair-work done by Regal. Undertaker reminds Regal of his decimation of Angle at Fully Loaded the previous summer, and his being the victim of Vince McMahon's persecution and false accusations. Like his previous two visitors, Regal tells Undertaker that all requests for matches with Angle are under the same consideration, and he will deliver a decision on matches, as well as the WrestleMania main event, on Raw the following week. Undertaker gives Regal a warning on the way out: if Regal screws him around like Vince did, Regal will be taking his tea through an IV.

 

Malenko and Saturn are given marching orders from Vince McMahon before they go to the ring: cripple their opponents at all costs. Guerrero and Show try to counter by sending in the big man to soften up the opponents, but, knowing the wheels of the giant are his weak points, The Radicals zero in on Show's knees and chop him down to size. When Show finally tags into Guerrero, the fiery Latino cleans house, but his bid for gold comes unglued by the unwanted interference of Kane, who draws the DQ by chokeslamming Guerrero almost out of his boots. As Big Show struggles to get to his feet, Kane gets some back-up from an unexpected source: Test, who kicks Show's head into next Tuesday. The Hardys and The Dudleys come down and help clean house, but quickly come to blows of their own. When the brawl between the rival teams spills into the back, Edge & Christian, lying in wait, use chairs to drop the two teams of brothers like stones in a lake.

 

Yet again, Commissioner Regal finds himself resetting the office furniture after a wrestler's tantrum. He rights the final chair, sets the pillow properly and turns around right into the face of The Rock, his eyes hidden by sunglasses. Regal sighs and looks up, waiting for Rock's inevitable tirade in the spirit of the last three he's faced, but instead, The Rock stands motionless, wordless, gazing from behind the mirrored lenses, the seconds dragging by as the silence, for Regal, becomes unnerving. Finally, he explodes. "Yes, yes, I'm considering you as well! Really, this kind of harassment is more then I should be forced to endure! How would you like it if I stalked you night and day and made demands?"

 

The Rock raises an eyebrow. "The Rock doesn't know what the hell you're talking about. The Rock just wants to know if the WWF officials are going to apologize for throwing mud on the good name of The Rock."

 

Regal stands, mouth agape, unable to move for a second. He blinks a couple times, coughs and offers a hand. "Yes, Rock. You deserve as much. For the errors commited by both my administration and the prior in falsely accusing you of the hit-and-run assault on Stone Cold, I hope you can accept my apology."

 

Rock looks at Regal's hand a moment, then clasps it strongly. As Regal is about to release, Rock clasps it harder and pulls the Commissioner closer. "The Rock had better be getting thought of to beat Kurt Angle's jabroni ass at WrestleMania." Rock releases the hand and walks away.

 

Vince's disdain for wrestling with Chris Benoit, the co-conspirator of Kurt Angle, the master of his company's misery for well over a year, is palpable as he approaches the ring. Conversely, Benoit approaches the ring with an evil, twisted grin, and the reasons behind it come to surface not long after the bell rings: Benoit drops down to the floor, refusing to tag in. When Vince barks at Benoit and orders him in, Benoit flips off the chairman and asks snidely; "This isn't the opportunity I left Atlanta for, asshole!" But the two-on-one advantage quickly disappears, as Regal chases Benoit up the ramp and into the back. In the ring, Vince gets help from his soldiers, who lay waste to the disowned McMahon son, drawing a DQ Vince couldn't care less about. Vince and his soldiers leave Shane a bloodied, broken heap, cackling as they walk up the ramp.

 

In the back, the police intercept Benoit and keep Regal from attacking him, citing a protective order against the Commissioner. Benoit laughs as the police give him escort to a waiting police vehicle for safe transport away from the arena, only for the vehicle to be rammed at high speed by a Lincoln. As Benoit frantically, and unsuccessfully, tries to find a way out of the back of the cop car, the door opens on the Lincoln; out steps Kurt Angle, brandishing a crowbar. Screaming about betrayal the entire time, Angle hammers the windows and car; when a cop tries to subdue the WWF Champion, Angle throws them into the car or a nearby tractor trailer.

 

But as Angle reaches in to try and grab Benoit by the hair, another person, Stone Cold Steve Austin, comes out of the darkness and breaks a shovel over the back of Angle's head. Wordlessly, like a serial killer focusing on his victim, Austin lays into Angle's fallen body with the shovel handle. It isn't until over twenty arena security guards and a platoon of WWF Superstars pull Austin away from Angle does Austin finally say anything, only it's directed to Commissioner Regal: a promise that, if doesn't get Angle at WrestleMania, Angle will be the first WWF Champion to die while holding the belt.

 

Raw: Mar. 5, '01

 

Jim Ross pimps the marquee matches for Raw as Vince McMahon saunters down to the ring: an 8-man tag pitting Kane, Test, and the WWF Tag Champs against Eddie Guerrero, Big Show, and two partners of their choosing; Undertaker & Rock teaming up against Raven & Tazz; Triple H against Steven Richards; Val Venis taking on The Goodfather; and the main event, a first-ever for the WWF: a steel cage lumberjack match, pitting Kurt Angle against Chris Benoit in a non-title match. Vince's brow is furrowed, his stride forceful and angry.

 

"Last week on Smackdown," begins Vince, "the biggest mystery in WWF history came unglued. Kurt Angle, working with Chris Benoit and the Right To Censor, ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin, manipulated the investigation which led to the termination of an acceptable WWF Commissioner and the framing of an innocent man, tore apart a marriage with deception and trickery, and rigged a Royal Rumble. I may not have any love for any of the victims in this tragedy, but the fact remains that these men saw fit to pervert and poison my company! Do you know how it makes me feel ... how ... how ... dirty it makes me feel, to know that this simpleton, this meathead, this, this mere wrestler single-handedly pulled the wool over everyone's eyes!" The crowd cheers the sentiment, even if the source is less then the crowd's favorite person. "And all this would not have happened, had I, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, not had been so distracted by fighting non-stop for control over my own company with my gold-digging wife, my idiot children and that insipid Commissioner! And that is why, at WrestleMania 17, I will solve this problem once and for all; I will, in one fell swoop, flush out the toxins that are plaguing this proud company, and I will restore the pride and the stature that have been lost in the shadow of this past year and a half, and I will do that by fighting my son, Shane McMahon, in a Street Fight, and when I beat him within an inch of his life and drive him out of this company, I will finally be able to bring some order to this cha--"

 

Vince's words abruptly stop as his eyes catch sight of someone in the crowd. Vince's eyes turn into huge white orbs, his jaw almost falling off its hinges as he looks on at the person in the front row. The camera follows his gaze, and when the person's face appears on the screen, the arena falls silent with shock at the sight of the mad scientist of ECW, Paul Heyman, sitting front row at Monday Night Raw. Vince's mouth tries to make words, but on the first few tries, he can't find his breath. Finally, a whisper passes through his lips. "Wha-wha-what are you doing here?" Heyman doesn't move in his seat, not even a twitch of the lip, so Vince repeats himself, this time with a little more force. "What are you doing here? Dammit, I asked you a question, what do you think you're doing here?" Heyman remains as still as a statue in his chair, incensing Vince further. "Get your ass in here, Heyman, and answer me!"

 

Heyman slowly stands, smoothing out his familiar leather trenchcoat as he stands. He smiles politely, then offers a response in the form of two middle fingers. "I don't work for you, Vince!" he yells. "I don't answer to you!" Heyman sits back down, the smile disappearing as he crosses his arms and glares at Vince. Vince barks for security, but Heyman flashes his ticket, burying any threat security could pose. Finally, Vince drops down to the floor, walks up to Heyman and demands an explanation for his presence.

 

"I don't owe you anything, Vince," says Heyman calmly. He stands up, smooths out his jacket again, and continues. "But, since you asked, I'll tell you: I'm a businessman. I'm a businessman, like you, and like you, I'm in the business of promoting wrestling. So, naturally, I'm here ... on business."

 

Vince flushes. "Business ..." Vince gulps, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down what looks like a foot. "Business with ... who?"

 

"Business, Vince. I'm here looking at business opportunities." Heyman sits back down, crossing his arms. Vince walks away, staggering and nearly tripping over his own feet, his face as white as a sheet of paper, as Heyman watches the WWF Chairman stammer back to the back like a nauseated drunk.

 

The in-ring action kicks off with Val Venis' second stage in his fight through the RTC to get to Steven Richards, taking on The Goodfather (although the announcers spend more time speculating about why Heyman is at Raw). Unlike the mistake of keeping the troops back when Venis defeated Bull Buchanan, Richards, Buchanan and Ivory make sure their presence, and their threat, at ringside is blatant. The APA, true to their word, keep a watch on Venis' back and, as the match progresses, run interference when the RTC tries to stop what quickly becomes inevitable: another win by Venis, netting him a Hardcore Title match on Smackdown.

 

Vince's soldiers take to the ring for the eight-man tag match. Guerrero and Big Show stand on the stage as they await their chosen partners for the colossal confrontation: The Dudleys. With the masters of tables and hardcore action alongside, the foursome take to the ring like a stampede of bulls, clearing the ring to start off the match. The referee finds himself overwhelmed with eight angry men ready to throw down, and the match is a donnybrook before long. The Dudleys end up scoring the 3-D on Perry Saturn, taking the pinfall for their team. As Vince's troops back up the ramp, cursing their enemies, Bubba grabs a microphone and challenges Malenko & Saturn to a WWF Tag Title match at WrestleMania. Before The Radicals can answer, Edge & Christian come through the crowd and drop their hated rivals with chair shots to the backs of their heads. Edge & Christian grab the microphones and are about to declare themselves the rightful number one contenders until The Hardy Boys charge in and drive them from the ring.

 

Commissioner Regal enters the ring, his demeanor serious. "The disturbing revelations by Chris Benoit about WWF Champion Kurt Angle's involvement in multiple conspiracies against other WWF Superstars have causes me much concern," says Regal. "Equally troubling is the issue that, to avoid a title defense at WrestleMania, Kurt Angle defied WWF regulations and entered himself under a mask and won the Royal Rumble, ensuring no number-one contender." Regal looks to the entrance ramp and says; "At this time, I'd request that the five gentlemen who petitioned me for favor on Smackdown last week come down to the ring."

 

One by one, Regal is joined by Chris Jericho, Triple H, Undertaker, The Rock and Steve Austin. All five stand in the ring, looking as if they'd prefer being anywhere else but the ring. "All five of you do indeed have outstanding cases for being the person to challenge Kurt Angle for the WWF Title at WrestleMania. And I assure you that my decision was not reached with ease. I--"

 

Undertaker leans forward and rips the microphone out of Regal's hand. "All I wanna know is, if it ain't me, when I get to beat your uptight ass? Cause if anyone deserves it--"

 

"It's me, junior!" says Jericho as he steals the microphone. "Nobody's been made to look like a bigger--"

 

Triple H snatches the microphone, but before he can say anything, Rocky shoves him, causing him to drop the microphone. Rock and Triple H get nose to nose, trading insults until Austin grabs the microphone. "I lost a damn year of my life cause of that son of a bitch, so y'all can get in line for an ass-kicking after I break the bastard's neck," says Austin.

 

Regal snatches the microphone back. "That's quite bloody enough, all of you!" he yells. "The lot of you better settle down before I send all of you home for WrestleMania and give the title shot to Earl Hebner!" The group of Superstars finally settle and focus on the Commissioner, all still looking ancy, but at the very least, no longer at each other's throats. "I've reached what I believe to be a fair and just decision. Firstly, to prevent any kind of undue influence from outside sources, and because of the severity of the issues involved, I have decided that WrestleMania will have its first World Wrestling Federation Championship defense in a Hell In A Cell match, and it will be defended against ..." Regal pauses, looking at the tableau of expectant faces, then out into the frenzied crowd. "Kurt Angle will defend against ... all five of you."

 

The five men, all linked as victims of Angle's treachery and Machiavellian planning, now look at each other with new faces: those of opponents, roadblocks to both exacting personal vengeance on the diabolical Angle and to capturing the WWF Title. But the shock of the situation hasn't even wore off before Chris Benoit is out on stage, looking absolutely enraged.

 

"How dare you overlook me?" Benoit opines. "This is the discrimination, the bias that this company has shown since I arrived here! I earned a shot at Kurt Angle, and I damn well expect--"

 

Benoit's whiny tantrum gets cut off by none other then Angle himself, who rips the microphone from Benoit's hands. "You think you got it bad? All you gotta do at WrestleMania is make that freakishly pale Commissioner tap out, and your night is done! I gotta beat five men inside a Hell In A Cell!" Angle looks at Regal. "You'll be hearing from my attorney. That is an unsafe working condition you've placed me in."

 

Austin grabs the microphone from Regal to respond. "If you hadn't pissed the five of us off so bad, you wouldn't find yourself in an 'unsafe working condition'. So if you got a complaint, you stupid son of a bitch, why don't you come on down here and make it?"

 

"Oh, no, I'm not that stupid. You'll be lucky if I even come to WrestleMania, after this ... this ... farce!" Angle drops the microphone and goes to leave, but Benoit steps in his way. Angle tells him to step aside and tries to walk around, but Benoit again blocks the way. Benoit taps the belt on Angle's shoulder, then makes a belt motion across his own waist. Angle feigns turning away, then turns back and shoves Benoit. Benoit chuckles, pulls the same feint, but instead of coming back with a push, unleashes with a flurry of knife-edge chops across Angle's chest. Angle is too stunned to fire back, and with his now-assumed position of the most reviled man in the company, nobody is eager to come to his aid as Benoit raises welts and nearly draws blood chopping into Angle's chest. Angle finally manages to escape when he's dropped to his knees and crawls through Benoit's legs like a baby, scurrying for the back, leaving his title belt behind. Before Benoit can boast, though, the ring empties, sending Benoit looking for higher ground.

 

A pre-match demand by Raven and Tazz to fight under hardcore rules is quickly agreed upon by their opponents, Undertaker and Rock, and the weaponry and impliments come pouring out from under the ring, around it, and from Raven's ever-present shopping cart. Yet, while Rock and Undertaker have a size and power advantage, and are no strangers to weaponry, they cannot overcome miscommunication and timely errors on their part, including a devestating shot with a cookie sheet that flattens the People's Champ and gives Raven the opportunity to DDT Rock into a stop sign while Tazz occupies Undertaker for the three-count.

 

A variety of WWF Superstars, from the lowliest of preliminary talent to upper echelon icons, file down to the ringside area, surrounding the caged ring. And, in a sign of clever decision-making by Commissioner Regal, the Superstars chosen as lumberjacks include no one with a vested interest in the match, nor a personal grudge with either Angle or Benoit. Nevertheless, as first Benoit, and then Angle, pass through the crowd and into the cage, they have to endure hostile glares from their peers. As soon as the door closes, Angle and Benoit tear into each other, skipping their technical and amateur prowess for trying to cut the other in half with chops. But when either man try to leave the cage, they are met with stern glares and crossed arms from the lumberjacks, a direct counter to the intention of the lumberjacks. Finally, after numerous attempts to escape are met with simmering hostility, Angle mouths off to one of the lumberjacks; the result becomes an instantly iconic visual, as Benoit and Angle look on like a rat trapped in the corner by a hungry cat as the 20 lumberjacks storm the cage through the door and over the walls. The officials try to bring the situation to order, but the lumberjacks won't be stopped by bell-ringing or 90 pound referees. Once the WWF Champion and his former co-conspirator have been left in heaps on the mat, the lumberjacks file out orderly, up the ramp towards a waiting Steve Austin, with a wad of money in hand and a huge smile on his face.

 

Smackdown: Mar. 8, '01

 

Steve Austin against Chris Benoit, The Rock and Undertaker challenging for the WWF Tag Titles, and Val Venis finally getting his hands on Steven Richards in a Hardcore Title match are just three matches that highlight a huge Smackdown on the Road To WrestleMania.

 

But it is the WWF Champion who opens the show, coming out with a phalanx of guards. Instead of his normal singlet and the ominpresent gold medals, he is in a suit. "When I came to the WWF, I was kind enough to share my insight about the Three I's with all of you common people: Integrity, Intensity and Intelligence. But when I met the so-called Superstars in the WWF, I realized that not a one of them possessed any of the Three I's." Angle holds up a finger. "The Rock, for example. Rude, crude, abusive, and ... what is with that speaking in the third person? Is he delusional? I mean, sheesh, did he eat paint chips as a kid or something? He sure doesn't have Intelligence, and with how he treats that poor Kevin Kelly just because he's mentally retarded, that's a sign of no Integrity!" Angle holds up a second finger. "Then there's Undertaker. I mean, the guy rides a motorcycle to the ring; indoor pollution, both air and noise! And let's not forget what kind of laziness it takes to ride a motorcycle down the entrance ramp! And he chews tobacco! He doesn't have any one of the The Three I's!" Angle proceeds to hold up more fingers as he names off more people. "Triple H, he's an abusive lunatic with no care or concern for women ... Chris Jericho is a raving madman with a poor grasp of English ... but then again, what should we expect from a Canadian? And then there's Stone Cold Steve Austin, who is such a mess of problems, he barely qualifies as a human being! That's why I worked so hard to get rid of these people, and for all my hard work, not only do you people boo me--and I'm an Olympic hero, you traitors!--but the WWF Commissioner puts me in mortal danger by booking me in a six-man Hell In A Cell match at WrestleMania?" Angle shakes his head. "Well, tonight, I'm putting my foot down. I will not be put in danger tonight, or any other night, because of the bias and the ungratefulness of the WWF front office. I am here to announce I will not be appearing on any WWF programming between now and WrestleMania, and I have filed a formal protest against my title defense at WrestleMania. I am confident that I can get it reduced to a proper one-on-one match, or perhaps cancelled altogether. For the egregious error in judgment committed by the WWF in allowing those corrupt lumberjacks to manhandle me like they did on Monday Night Raw, it is the least they can do!" Angle nods as if adding punctuation to his statement, then proclaims; "Well, that about covers it. See you in April!"

 

William Regal's music and appearence on the stage cuts off Angle's retreat. "Kurt, Kurt, Kurt. I'm to be the bearer of bad news for you, I'm afraid," he says with a smile that contradicts his words. "Protest all you like, but not only are you the holder of the World Wrestling Federation Title, but you're also contracted to make a certain number of appearence for this company, and I'm afraid we cannot have the WWF Champion taking time off in the weeks before WrestleMania, especially at the detriment of not defending the title for over a month." Regal's grin grows wider. "Because, if memory serves, a champion who does not defend his title within 30 days is within rights to be stripped of said title. And we simply cannot have a vacant championship going into WrestleMania, just as much as we cannot have a WrestleMania with a champion!"

 

"Yeah, well, my lawyer--"

 

Regal's demeanor switches from maliciously jubilant to ice cold. "I've already spoken with your barrister, and I've made it perfectly clear to him the legalities of the situation. When you speak with that schyster, I assure you, he'll make it perfectly clear you've not a leg to stand on. So either I will see you at every Raw and Smackdown between now and WrestleMania, or so help me God, I will not only will I relieve you of the title, but I'll slap the skin clean off your bones, sunshine!"

 

Angle tries to produce a comeback, but his throat only lets out unintelligible grunts and wordless noises. Regal is about to turn away when he stops and throws out; "It occurs to me that, frankly, the people are sick of seeing you sullying that prestigious title, and so am I. So I expect to see you in that ring, defending your title tonight." Regal pauses, an evil sneer on his lips. "Against me."

 

The crowd loves the suggestion but, upon returning to his office, Regal runs into five people who don't: Angle's Hell In A Cell opponents. Triple H steps forward first, his eyes electric with anger. "What in the hell was that, William?" The group concurs and is on the verge of getting rowdy before Regal urges them to calm down.

 

"You have to understand, Kurt Angle frustrated me and backed me into a corner. I had to teach the miserable little toerag a lesson."

 

Austin steps up, leaning over the desk, his gaze that of a lion toward a gazelle. "Well, all I hear is, you just got yourself a title shot. Which means, if you win, my title shot at WrestleMania goes up in smoke! I want Kurt Angle, and I want the title, and I want 'em at WrestleMania, Regal!"

 

"I understand, Steven. All of you, I sympathize. And I promise you, regardless of the outcome of tonight's WWF Title match, you all will get your shot with Kurt Angle. If I win, though, we will determine a new number one contender--a single number one contender--and as for Kurt Angle, you'll all just have to take turns exacting your revenge."

 

Val Venis' long-awaited Hardcore Title shot at Steven Richards turns into a fiasco, as having a concrete time announced for a Hardcore Title defense invites others to utilize the 24/7 rule. Richards loses the belt three times, none of which are to Venis, until his Right To Censor brethren stick their nose into the proceedings and clear out the uninvited challengers. The APA come to the rescue, but not in time to save Venis from taking a three-on-one pounding en route to a defeat. As the RTC walk up the ramp, boastful like they won the Super Bowl, Faarooq and Bradshaw get on the microphone and make a challenge: once and for all, a six-man tag at WrestleMania, Venis and the APA against the Right To Censor. Buchanan opens his mouth and accepts before Richards can stop him, to which Richards flies off into a rage, berating his underling as they disappear into the back.

 

A scheduled match between Big Show and Kane never gets off the ground, as Kane ambushes the behemoth on the entrance ramp. The attack draws out Eddie Guerrero, who attacks Kane with a lead pipe. Before Guerrero can get too proud of his ambush victory, Test evens the odds and extinguishes Latino Heat with a boot in the face, then gets in a few licks on Big Show.

 

A chance at some revenge is given to Chris Jericho and Triple H when they are partnered up to face off against Bull Buchanan and The Goodfather of Right To Censor. The holier-than-thou conservative troop takes it for granted that Jericho and Triple H, rivals from way back and a pinfall by Jericho still fresh in Triple H's mind, won't be able to co-exist, and initially, they're right. However, the RTC's cockiness opens the door for their opponents' quest for vengeance, giving Jericho and Triple H the chance to stage the comeback and score simultaneous pinfalls off of a Lionsault and a Pedigree. But the unity vanishes as quick as it came in as Triple H sucker punches Jericho to the shock of the crowd. Kevin Kelly catches Triple H on the way to the back and asks why he would turn on Jericho so ruthlessly.

 

"You need to understand some basic fundamentals, fatboy," snaps Triple H. "For me to 'turn' on Chris Jericho implies I was friends with him at some point. I didn't ask to be partnered with him tonight, or on any other night it's been forced on us. We both got screwed by the Right To Censor, so Regal gave us the shot at revenge. At WrestleMania, Chris Jericho isn't helping me beat Kurt Angle; he wants to beat Kurt Angle just as much as I do. Don't be so stupid as to think he forgot about that. I know I haven't." Triple H walks away, leaving Kevin Kelly's follow-up questions unanswered.

 

As Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler run down the established card for WrestleMania thus far, the production team messages them that cameras have found Paul Heyman in the front row again, sitting quietly in his trademark trenchcoat and ECW ballcap. Heyman brushes off the inquiries of Kevin Kelly, leaving all the questions around his presence still a mystery. But Kevin Kelly's failure to get answers doesn't stop someone else from trying: Trish Stratus, who makes her appeals for information all the more alluring by wearing her most revealing and low-cut top and leaning over the guard rail so Heyman has a good view of her cleavage. Heyman only gives the ample chest of Trish and her words half an eye before Trish is pulled away by Stephanie and Shane McMahon. Stephanie hauls off with a slap that puts Trish on the ground, as Shane warns Trish to keep her nose out of the WWF's business dealings. Shane goes to shake hands with Heyman and apologize, but Heyman keeps his arms crossed and stays seated.

 

Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn come down to the ring for their scheduled WWF Tag Title defense against The Rock and Undertaker, but before their opponents come down, Malenko grabs a microphone. He and Saturn brag about how they are the company's best wrestlers, handpicked by Vince McMahon to represent technical superiority in the tag ranks, and that the hardcore "slop artists" like the Dudleys, the Hardys and Edge & Christian can go muck about in their brawls while their reign will continue until the end of time. The boasting draws out Commissioner Regal, who asks if the tag champs believe their technical prowess can overcome the teams they've managed anytime, anyplace; when Malenko and Saturn assure Regal that, yes, their skills can put down "any idiot with a chair or a ladder or a table", Regal informs them they'll get the opportunity to prove their point at WrestleMania, in a four-way TLC match against the Hardys, the Dudleys and Edge & Christian.

 

The announcement puts Malenko and Saturn out of sorts for their title defense, a fact that Rock and Undertaker exploit to pulverize the tag champs at will. But, once again, miscommunication and the old enmity comes back to bite the challengers in the ass, leading to Saturn getting a pin on The Rock by way of a shot to the head with the title belt. Once the champs leave, Rock, still groggy, demands to know where Undertaker was when Saturn used the belt to ring Rock's bell; Undertaker responds by turning away, but Rock pulls him back. Putting his hands on the Dead Man earns Rock a chokeslam.

 

When the ring announcer proclaims it time for the main event WWF Title defense, there is an air in the arena that this might just be the night. When Angle comes to the ring looking a deer in headlights, and Regal comes down looking focused and lethal, the anticipation is almost palpable ... until the ring announcer adds that the special referee for the match will be Vince McMahon. With no love lost between Vince and Regal, and Angle being the source of a major headache for the chairman, the mood in the building is not only one of fear but confusion as to whom, if anyone, Vince will favor. From the opening bell, it looks like Vince won't have a choice, as Regal lights into Angle like a hurricane, peppering the champ with strikes, suplexes and stretches. But it quickly becomes apparent that Regal is not the chosen one in the match, as Regal's numerous attempts to secure a submission go unattended by Vince. Angle manages to turn the tide and score some desperation offense, but Vince, scowling from the corner, does nothing to render a decision in Angle's favor either. It is only after Regal and Angle put each other down with a double-clothesline that Vince finally takes action: executing a hyper-quick 10-count. Before he can get to 10, however, Shane slides in and starts arguing with Vince. The bickering McMahons give ample time for Benoit to come down and attack both Angle and Regal, but Benoit's interference comes to a crashing halt when Steve Austin jumps in and drops him with a Stunner. By the time Austin is done, everyone, save Angle, has eaten a Stunner, and Angle is backed into a corner, trembling in horror as Austin approaches ever so slowly. Before Austin can strike, though, the locker room empties to hold Austin back. Austin fights as much as he can against the almost 20 people forming a blockade between him and Angle, but Angle renders it unnecessary by making a run for it through the crowd. Out of frustration, Austin nails a few of the people in the human wall with Stunners before leaving.

 

Raw: Mar. 12, '01

 

With less than four weeks to go before the biggest show on the WWF schedule, and the WWF on the brink of collapsing into full-scale war, the matches booked for Raw seem poised to push the federation over the line: Kane takes on Stone Cold Steve Austin; Dean Malenko & Perry Saturn launch a three-match series against their WrestleMania opponents, seeking to out-do their rivals in their own specialty matches, starting with a Tables match with The Dudley Boys; and, in the main event, a disaster waiting to happen, with Triple H and Chris Jericho thrust together, taking on the equally dysfunctional pair of Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle.

 

Raw starts with an appearence by the McMahon children, who thank everyone for their kind words and support shown towards their mother. Shane vows that, after WrestleMania, when he defeats his father and removes him from power in the WWF, he and his sister will restore the pride in the WWF by working with Commissioner William Regal to bring the chaos back under control; problem number one, they declare, will be exacting swift and decisive punishment on Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit for their roles in numerous conspiracies against multiple WWF Superstars. When Shane's eyes fall on Paul Heyman, again seated in the front row, Shane adds that, after his father is vanquished, he will reach out and work with people like Paul Heyman instead of crushing them, buying them out or bankrupting them like his father did in the 80's.

 

Trish Stratus' music cuts off Stephanie before she can go off on a rant about her father; the vixen, dressed as trampy as ever, walking vampishly to the ring. Shane has to hold onto Stephanie's wrist to keep her from tearing Trish's hair out at the scalp, something Trish catches onto and taunts Stephanie mercilessly. And to drive the nail in deeper, Trish has the production truck post stills from No Way Out, showing Stephanie running for the locker room with her clothes in tatters. Trish mocks Stephanie's figure, saying it can't match up to a fitness model like herself, and that, after Vince McMahon emerged victorious from WrestleMania, the WWF would have a woman in charge with beauty as well as brains.

 

Shane's retort dies in his throat as, coming up from behind through the crowd, Vince's troops descend on the McMahon kids. Even Stephanie is not safe; her lights are put out with a chokeslam from Big Show, while Shane is hammered senseless by everyone. Vince strides down the ramp and joins in the fun, getting in some cheap shots as Shane is held up by Malenko and Saturn. After getting in a few licks, Vince picks up the microphone. "What you've seen here is a preview of what my crusade will accomplish at WrestleMania! I will destroy Shane, I will drive my kids out of this company once and for all, and once I've accomplished that, I will rid this company of the poisons and the toxins that are coursing through its veins! Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, Steve Austin, Undertaker, Triple H ... they're all going! They will all be crushed! This is my company! My company, dammit! I rule this industry! I am this industry! Your lives would be even more shallow and empty and meaningless if it weren't fo