Text By Jed Shaffer

What if...Rikishi Wasn't the Guy Who Ran Over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series 1999?

Part V

Raw: Dec. 11, '00

The music of Linda McMahon kicks off Raw; the announcers speculate on Linda's decisions as she enters the ring and is handed a microphone. "Before I address the issues today, I need to request the presence of three people, so I may address them personally. So, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Undertaker and Mick Foley," she says, "would you all please join me in the ring?"

 

Austin, Foley and Undertaker come to the ring, each carrying microphones. As they do so, Linda continues; "I would also ask my husband and The Rock to join us, but for safety concerns, I've asked to watch on a monitor in back. Vince, however, is unable to be here, as he is still in the hospital due to injuries sustained at Armageddon last night." Only Austin goes over to shake Linda's hand; Undertaker leans back in a corner, watching the CEO with a cool detachment, eyes hidden by sunglasses; Foley, sporting a bandage over the head wound received from Austin's chair shot the night before, timidly bows but keeps his distance. "However," she continues, "he is watching on a television from his hospital room.

 

"The board of directors and I have deliberated over two issues in the past four weeks: namely, the investigation into the assailant of Stone Cold Steve Austin at the 1999 Survivor Series, and the condition of the World Wrestling Federation itself. It is the determination of both the board of directors and myself that the evidence clearly justifies the suspicion of The Rock as the perpetrator of the attack." Foley launches into a tirade, but Linda dismisses it with an upraised hand. "Mick, the evidence speaks for itself. Your refusal to acknowledge the evidence, and your continued pursuit of Undertaker and Shawn Michaels, in light of the evidence, is worrysome at best. We are not prepared to take official action against The Rock as of yet, as we have not consulted with you, Steve, on how you would prefer to proceed."

 

"Linda, this is--"

 

"Mick, please. You have no logical argument against the facts, and your impassioned pleas for your friend only highlight the second, and larger, problem: your failure in the office of the WWF Commissioner. Mick, in the past two months, you have let corruption and prejudice cripple your tenure as Commissioner, granting special consideration to friends, the employ of hired thugs as in-ring enforcers, and turning the WWF into a police state with armed guards." Mick opens his mouth to counter, but Linda steamrolls on. "You have turned a blind eye to the evidence in the Austin investigation because it implicates a friend in the attack of another friend. And worst of all, Mick, your lack of attention to other matters has enabled the WWF to sink into absolute chaos. If you'd turn to the TitanTron ..." Videotape rolls on the TitanTron, a highlight reel of barbaric assaults featuring Triple H, Chris Jericho, The Rock, Steve Austin, the RTC, The Radicals, Undertaker and virtually everybody else in the federation. "The World Wrestling Federation has lost advertising dollars, lost public image and confidence from the public, lost credibility within the industry, and perhaps most important ... the roster of men and women who work for us are all working in fear, Mick Foley. You've turned away from them and let anarchy become the norm, forcing everyone to live in fear." Linda takes a deep breath. "It is, therefore, the decision of the board of directors that, based on your failures to keep control of the WWF Superstars and to properly conduct the Austin investigation in both a timely and unbiased manner, Mick Foley ... you are hereby fired as WWF Commissioner."

 

Foley barely has time to register the fact before turning to Austin and Undertaker. "I want to apologize to both of you--"

 

"You can't do this! Vince won't stand for this!" screams Foley. "I won't let this stand! The Rock is innocent, and if it kills me, I will prove i--"

 

Austin walks up to Foley, kicks him in the gut and drops him with a Stunner, popping the crowd. Linda puts forth a half-hearted "Steve ...", but her heart is obviously not in it. Austin says; "As you were saying, Linda?"

 

"I was saying that I wanted to, on behalf of the board of directors and myself, apologize to the both of you for the past two months. Both of you have been through a tremendous amount of stress over the past few months. If there is anything I can do for you ..."

 

Undertaker steps up first. "Well," he says, "you can gimme what I think I deserve: a shot at Kurt Angle and the World Wrestling Federation Championship."

 

"Well, I'm going to leave that decision to tonight's interim Commissioner." Linda turns to look at Austin and adds; "Well? Does he deserve it?"

 

Austin raises an eyebrow. "Me? I'm Commissioner?"

 

"For tonight only, yes.Ó

 

"So I'm in charge. I make the matches."

 

"Yes."

 

A crocodile smile spreads across Austin's face. He looks at Undertaker and says; "Undertaker, you want your title shot, you got it. Tonight." Austin looks at Linda and says; "Linda, you and me, we're gonna have to discuss me and Rocky later. Just promise me that I'll get my shot, and you ain't gonna pick another piece of crap like Mick Foley and we're good." Austin offers his hand again, which Linda accepts. Austin remains in the ring after Linda and Undertaker leave for the back, ready to address the crowd. "So ol' Stone Cold is Commissioner for a night." Austin's toothy smile is both humorous and frightening. "How many folks wanna see Latino Heat Eddie Guerrero get his ass whipped tonight?" The crowd responds heartily. "How's about Eddie Guerrero ... against ... hmm ..." Austin snaps his fingers. "How about The Dudleys?" The crowd cheers at first, then starts chanting for tables. "Tables? Well, that's a damn good idea! Eddie and The Dudleys, a tables match!" When the crowd settles down, Austin asks; "Hey, I got one more idea. Who wants to see Rocky get his ass whipped tonight, too?" When the audience responds a very strong affirmative, Austin replies; "I think it's a damned good idea myself. If y'all think Rocky against the WWF Tag Team Champions, William Regal and Chris Benoit, sounds like a good idea, gimme a 'hell yeah'!" The crowd gives the desired reply, to which Austin gives an "Oh, hell yeah!" to punctuate the moment.

 

Eddie Guerrero's handicap tables match against The Dudleys follows, but before he makes it to the ring, Austin stops him and his Radicals stablemates in the back. "I don't know if you know," says Austin, "but I'm Commissioner for the night, and I wanna see this be a fair fight." Austin ignores the slack-jawed faces of the Radicals at the idea of a "fair" handicap tables match and continues. "So if I see either one of ya mealy-mouthed little bastards down by that ring, I'll fire the whole damn lot of ya." Austin claps Guerrero on the shoulder and points to the curtains. "You're late for your match, Eddie," he says obnoxiously. Guerrero skulks off to the ring and, despite a valiant effort, succumbs to the predictable outcome of being put through a table with the Dudleys' 3-D. Malenko and Saturn nearly come out of their skin during the match and are all but through the curtain when the closing bell rings, but Austin clears his throat to remind them of his edict, which brings them back with their tails between their legs while Guerrero lays in the mess of a broken table in the ring.

 

In between matches, Angle finds Austin in what was Mick Foley's office, kicking back and drinking beer. "Steve. I need to talk to you."

 

Austin grins big. "Hey, you wanna beer? Course ya do!" Before Angle can answer, Austin leans to the side, opens a cooler, grabs a beer and tosses it at Angle; Angle catches it and looks at it as if it came from a foreign planet. "Crack it open! What can I do ya for?"

 

Angle looks at the beer a moment, then sets the beer down on the desk; Austin tracks the beer, staring at it as Angle paces and talks. "Steve, I ... um ... I'm kinda confused on a couple things. There's this whole problem with Chris Jericho and Triple H and the number one contendership. And then there's me wrestling tonight, after having a steel cage ... match ..." Angle stops and suddenly notices Austin staring at the beer. "Is ... um ... Steve?"

 

Austin looks up at Angle, his eyes almost forlorn. "You ... don't want the beer?"
Angle leans on the desk, brow furrowed. "Steve, were you even listening to me? I have some real problems here! How can you expect me to wrestle tonight after the hell I went through last night? And how am I supposed to sleep at night without knowing who the number one contender is?" Angle suddenly grabs the beer and pops the top. "This ... this is stressful, Steve! A guy can't live like this! Maybe I do need this beer!" Angle swigs the beer, then freezes when the taste hits his tongue; he swallows what he has with some effort, then gingerly puts the beer down and backs up a step.

 

Austin blinks up at Angle. "You don't ... you don't like the beer?"

 

"Steve! Could you please focus?"

 

"Kurt, bein' WWF Champion means a hard schedule. Way I see it, Undertaker deserves a shot, and since he ain't got nothin' to do tonight, and you don't neither, might as well put ya together." Angle opens his mouth, but Austin cuts him off. "As for your little worries 'bout Hunter and Jericho, they're gonna be wrestlin' tonight to settle who gets the shot at Royal Rumble, so you can rest your gold-medal-wearin' head." Angle tries to get out a yeah-but, but Austin again stops him cold. "Cool. Good to see ya, Kurt." Angle pouts for a moment but leaves without lodging a protest.

 

The usual swagger and bravado is missing from The Rock as he limps out to the ring for his handicap match. Soreness and bandages aside, The Rock's _expression is more one of resignation, a man knowing a dreaded date with destiny is nigh. Regal and Benoit utilize the bandages on Rock's body as bullÕs-eyes, zeroing in on them with surgical strikes and submission holds. Victory looks assured with Benoit locking Rock in the Crippler Crossface until The Radicals come down to the ring. With Guerrero providing the distraction for Regal and the ref, Saturn comes off the top rope and plants an elbow in the small of Benoit's back. Malenko and Saturn put the boots to Benoit, drill him with a double-team DDT, then put Rock on Benoit; Guerrero lets the ref get back to the match, but makes sure to trip up Regal behind the ref's back so Rock can get the three-count. The Radicals celebrate their moral victory over Benoit & Regal, but Austin comes out on the stage to ruin their fun.

 

"In case you didn't notice," says Austin, "your buddy, Mick Foley, ain't in charge no more, and Vince is at the hospital, gettin' Band-Aids on his boo-boos, and I ain't gonna tolerate your crap another damn minute. Next Monday on Raw, since you three jackasses like breakin' the rules so much, I'm just gonna put you in a match where you don't have to worry 'bout it anymore; you done bought yourself a hardcore match next week against The Dudley Boys ..." Austin pauses to look out on the crowd and grin, then goes serious again and looks at The Radicals. "And me!" Austin drops the microphone and rushes the ring as Regal and Benoit get to their feet and attack The Radicals from behind; Austin helps Regal and Benoit clear them out of the ring, but when Austin turns around to get a piece of The Rock, he finds the ring empty, The Rock having taken a timely powder in the middle of the chaos.

 

Chris Jericho limps down to the ring, bandaged and stitched together from the previous night's hellish encounter, along with the indignity of the crowd's venomous hatred. Jericho, however, shows no fear as he gets in the ring; in fact, he looks more defiant and resilient then ever, even as Triple H hobbles out. Hunter eschews his normal entrance and marches down the ramp as fast as his injured frame will allow, making a beeline for Jericho. The two immediately collide and trade fists, spilling out the ring and onto the mat. Triple H pounds Jericho's head into the steel steps, then goes to fetch a steel chair to crush Jericho's head with, but Jericho rolls out of the way. As Triple H shakes off the stinging in his hand, Jericho gets to his feet and the fistfight begins anew; neither man, however, notices that the referee has ordered the timekeeper to ring the bell and signal for a double count-out. Jericho and Triple H continue trading punches until Triple H misses with a wild swing, giving Jericho the opportunity to kick Triple H in the crotch. Jericho pushes the timekeeper aside and grabs his bell hammer, but officials cover the area and escort Jericho away, ruining his opportunity to use the hammer.

 

Before Undertaker's shot at the WWF Title, Michael Cole approaches him backstage; he is barely able to get a word out of his question before Undertaker's glare scares Cole away. "They say the Golden Rule is that he who has the gold makes the rules." Undertaker chuckles. "That don't apply here. Ya see, it don't matter if the champ is The Rock or Kurt Angle or Triple H ..." Undertaker pauses and grins maliciously. "Or Vince McMahon. That out there, that's my yard. I'm the big dog that runs it. And last night at Armageddon, Vince, why, I proved that right to ya. I don't take no crap from anybody, Vince, not from any of the boys, not from anybody, and especially not from you. In that ring, that's my world, and I make the rules there. Nobody does a damn thing there without my say-so, and that includes you, Vince. So tonight, I'm gonna go out there, and I'm gonna punish little Kurt Angle; I'm gonna beat him, I'm gonna bloody him up, I'm gonna break bones and tear muscles ... and if he pisses me off, I'm gonna show him my darker side, just like you done seen last night Vince. You see, last couple months or so, you done awoke a sleeping giant, Vince. You woke him up on the wrong side of the bed, he's hungry for blood, and he got an appetite that don't stop. So now I'm gonna use the monster you made, Vince, and I'm gonna bust up Angle and take the title. And then, I'm gonna get me another piece of your boy Rocky, and I may just track down where your pet Commissioner--oh, former Commissioner--lives, and I may get me a piece of him, too. And then maybe I'll come to your private hospital room, if you're still in it, and pay you a visit, too, Vince; maybe get a little bit of what's left from ya. But right now ... right now, I'm 'bout to go and give you the worst nightmare you can think of by cripplin' your all-American hero Kurt Angle and puttin' that belt where the hell it belongs: around my waist."

 

The chilling promo had an immediate effect on Undertaker, as his reception by the crowd is cool at best; Jim Ross speculates that while Vince may be a monster at heart, Undertaker has shown his monstrous side can be turned on and off, and fears for the safety of Angle and the rest of the Superstars if Undertaker has decided to embrace his darkness for good. Angle shows no sign of discouragement in the ring, approaching it like he does every other match, and brings his trademark athleticism to the match, trying to ground Undertaker with sound mat skills and takedowns, working over Undertaker's leg bit by bit. Undertaker, however, is interested in none of that, and brutalizes Angle every chance he gets. The ref has to interject himself to keep Undertaker from strangling Angle in the corner, an intrusion Undertaker takes none too kindly to; he intimidates the ref into the corner, then goes right back to abusing Angle until the champ manages to get a shot in on Undertaker's leg. Angle matches the ferocity and bloodlust of Undertaker and zeroes in on the leg, but a figure-four is reversed by a blatant choke; when Undertaker won't release it, even after standing up and out of the leg lock, forcing the referee to intercede again. This time, the ref's actions earn him a chokeslam. A second ref races out and is dispatched with a soupbone to the jaw. Angle gets a glancing blow off on Undertaker when he turns his attentions back to Angle, but Undertaker is fresher, and mauls Angle with a chokeslam of his own. A third referee slides in, but rather then counting the expectant Undertaker's pin, he signals for a disqualification, enraging Undertaker further. By the time Raw fades to black, two more referees and a handful of officials have been assaulted by Undertaker, and the dead man is being hauled away in cuffs, glaring back at the ring with cold, killer's eyes.

 

Smackdown: Dec. 14, '00

 

Smackdown opens in the ring, with The Rock coming down for a Royal Rumble qualifying match against Rikishi. Kevin Kelly catches up with Rikishi right before he walks through the curtian and asks him his thoughts on this huge match. "Well, Kevin," says Rikishi solemnly, "part of me is excited. The winner of the Royal Rumble is guaranteed the main event at WrestleMania, and I'd bet the people would love to see me back dat ass up at WrestleMania!" The crowd cheers an affirmative. "But, out in that ring, that's my brother out there. We both Samoan. Blood is thick, Kevin Kelly... but with what Rock did to Stone Cold Steve Austin, I don't know what to think about Rock anymore. I just hope someday he can see the light and realize the mistake he made."

 

Rikishi steps away, but Kevin Kelly asks another question; "Rikishi, one more question: Stone Cold Steve Austin is dead set on getting revenge on Rock every chance he gets. What will you do if he comes to the ring tonight looking to screw The Rock out of his shot?"

 

Rikishi turns back, taking a deep breath. "I hope Stone Cold don't cross dat line. I don't want no tainted win. If I can't beat The Rock, I don't deserve the shot at the Rumble. But I hope Stone Cold will let the match take its course before he comes up and gets in Rock's business. I don't got no beef with Stone Cold, and I don't want one, but I won't let it go if he makes one." Rikishi walks through the curtains and to the ring, into an uneasy, tense silence between the two. Rock offers a handshake, but Rikishi hesitates, and Rock sullenly retracts the hand. With a Rumble slot on the line, both men give it their all, scoring many near falls. But the deciding factor ends up being, not surprisingly, Steve Austin, as Rock is preparing to hit Rikishi with the Rock Bottom; what does surprise everyone, though, is that Austin attacks Rock, giving Rock the DQ victory. Rikishi recovers enough to shove Austin in anger, to which Austin responds with a Stunner. As Austin stomps up the aisleway, giving the people in the ring a pair of fingers, Kevin Kelly runs out to meet him.

 

"Stone Cold! Do you realize you just helped The Rock get into the Royal Rumble?"
Austin's stare runs right through Kelly. "Do you think ol' Stone Cold is stupid? You think I'm some kind of idiot? You're 'bout two seconds from me snappin' that roll of fat you call a neck if ya keep mouthin' off to me. Yeah, I know what I did, and that's what I wanted to do. Linda McMahon won't discuss a match for me and Rocky at the Royal Rumble until she gets the business with the Commissioner settled, so if that can't happen, then I want Rocky in that Rumble, Kevin Kelly. I want him in the Rumble, so I can be the one to throw him over that top rope--and make no mistake about it, I will open up a six-pack of whoop-ass on every single son of a bitch that tries to do it before me. I want him in that Rumble so that, when I toss him over the ring, and he looks up at me from the floor with them stupid little bug-eyes and that stupid eyebrow raised up, he will know that while he made a year of my life a living hell, I will ruin every single damn day from now until the day he dies, and that's the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so!"

 

A message from Linda McMahon airs, with the CEO seated at her desk. "Good evening. The World Wrestling Federation is currently in a state of crisis, and this is something I and the board of directors do not take lightly. Personal issues between Superstars have become so heated that criminal charges could be considered. The WWF needs strong leadership, something it has lacked for months now. To that end, the board of directors and I are debating numerous candidates, but I can unfortunately not name a new Commissioner tonight. However, next Monday, on Raw, I am confident we will be able to name the new WWF Commissioner. Tonight, however, I have left the security of the WWF in charge to the hardworking staff of officials and road agents we have under our employ. Once the transition of power is complete, we should be able to move forward as a company and resolve some of our more devisive issues that threaten the security of everyone in the WWF. The one issue we can address tonight is the disputed number one contendership between Chris Jericho and Triple H; to resolve the issue, both men will face WWF Champion Kurt Angle in one-on-one matches, starting tonight with Chris Jericho. Should Jericho or Triple H defeat Kurt Angle, that person will compete for the WWF Title at Royal Rumble."

 

The sirens of the Right To Censor cut the air; Steven Richards, Val Venis and Ivory represent the obnoxious group, and Richards makes sure to grab a microphone. "It is our sincere hope that Linda McMahon sees the light and appoints me as the new WWF Commissioner!" bellows Richards to a chorus of boos. "The WWF has been mired in a sea of debauchery and unnecessary violence, and in the past few months, that sea is threatening to drown this company alive! When you have homicidal maniacs like The Rock, or sexual deviants like Chris Jericho, or even plain old thugs and bullies like Stone Cold Steve Austin and Undertaker running the company, it is a sure-fire way to corrupt the moral fiber of this country!" The crowd's hatred gets louder, but Richards is undaunted. "If I am elected, I vow to clamp down on the rampant carnality and violence ... I will outlaw any female clothing that does not button at the collar and skirts that do not extend to the knee ... I will outlaw punching and kicking ... and I will do away with bra and panty matches and hardcore violence! I--"

 

Undertaker roars out of the back on his bike; behind him, walking down the aisle, is his partner, Hardcore Holly. Undertaker parks his bike, gets in the ring and snatches the microphone from Richards' hand. "You're gonna make rules." Undertaker nods. "You. You're gonna make rules around here. Let's get one thing straight, boy: I make the rules 'round here, and I am the judge, jury and executioner." Undertaker suddenly throws the mic in Richards' face and starts pummelling him; Venis tries to get Undertaker off him, but Holly comes in and clotheslines Venis out and down to the floor. The ref rings the bell for the match to begin as Undertaker lays into Richards, breaking out the heart punch. While Holly and Venis fight around the ring, Undertaker goes outside, grabs a chair and slides in; the ref tries to stop Undertaker, but gets pie-faced. A chair shot to Richards' back draws the DQ, and for signalling the DQ, the ref gets his wig split as well. Undertaker tears the turnbuckle cover off one of the turnbuckles as Venis manages to get away from Holly and tries to attack Undertaker; the ambush fails and earns Venis the pleasure of being dropped Snake Eyes-style onto the exposed steel bolt. Undertaker adds a few more chair shots to the RTC members, and, when Holly comes in to celebrate their moral victory, Holly gets laid out with the chair as well. Undertaker finds the mic again, picks it up and says; "Until I get me another shot at Kurt Angle and that title belt, I'm gonna put the hurt on whoever I come across. It's what I'm owed, it's what's fair, and it'll happen because I said so."

 

Eddie Guerrero comes to the ring for his hardcore match against Steve Austin, ever the picture of cocksure arrogance. Guerrero immediately arms himself with a chair before Austin arrives, but Austin surprises Guerrero by coming through the crowd behind him, pulling him out of the ring to take the brawl through the arena. Every kind of item, from the obvious chairs and garbage cans and cookie sheets, to the unusual, like a potted plant, gets used as a weapon by one of the two fighters. But when the fight moves out to the parking garage, a horrific scene of deja vu unfolds as, in the distance, a pair of headlights come up, focusing their beams on Austin. Austin turns to face them, daring the unknown driver to try and hit him; instead, Perry Saturn bashes Austin in the back of the head with a beer bottle. Dean Malenko gets out of the car and joins his stablemates in time for Guerrero to get the pin on Austin, then make a quick retreat when The Dudleys show up.

 

Kevin Kelly catches up with Angle right before he heads to the ring and asks the question on everyone's mind: "Do you have a preference who you face at Royal Rumble between Triple H and Chris Jericho?"

 

Angle blinks, looking absolutely astonished. "Are you, like, slow or something? Sheesh! You think I want to get in between these two lunatics? I don't want either one of them!"

 

"So what's your gameplan, then, Kurt?"

 

"To win, duh! If I beat Chris Jericho tonight, and I beat Triple H on Raw, it'll make Linda McMahon or Mayor McCheese or whoever's gonna be in charge on Monday pick somebody else."

 

"Do you have someone in mind you'd like to face?"

 

Angle pauses a second, mulling it over. "You know, I still haven't really gotten a chance at a rematch against Chris Benoit from WrestleMania. I mean, the guy won a title off me and I didn't even get pinned. I mean, how freakin' silly were those rules? Triple threat? The champ can lose without being pinned? Who thought that up?" Angle walks away before Kelly can ask another question.

 

Angle makes good on his pre-match statements, fighting like a man determined to upset the apple cart and keep both of the potential contenders out of the running. With memories of his spoiled chance at Survivor Series ringing in his mind, Jericho also brings his A-game. With their recent shared history and their shared desire to win, the match becomes a series of new counters and feints as each second-guesses the other's arsenal and has to reinvent themselves on the fly to get the upper hand. In another moment of deja vu, Triple H gets involved, except that, unlike Survivor Series, Triple H's plan falls apart, and the chair shot meant for Jericho hits Angle instead. With the ref's attention the other way, the chair shot goes unnoticed, and Jericho is allowed to seize the moment, nailing a Lionsault for a three-count, securing a rematch with Angle at Royal Rumble. Triple H slides into the ring, grabs the exhausted Jericho and drills him with the Pedigree, then, for good measure, hits Angle with it as well, leaving him the odd man out but the only man standing as Smackdown closes out.

 

Raw: Dec. 18, '00

 

The announcers run down the night's match line-up--including the Angle/Triple H match, the Radicals/Dudleys & Austin hardcore tag match, and a huge Survivor Series rematch pitting The Rock against Undertaker--as WWF CEO Linda McMahon enters the ring. "Tonight," she begins, "I am pleased to announce that, after an exhaustive search, we have chosen a new WWF Commissioner, and he is--"

 

The music of her husband cuts her off. Vince swaggers to the ring like he's just won the lottery. "Linda, I have two major announcements. Do you mind if I have the floor?" he asks, then continues before Linda can answer. "Firstly, I'd like to announce that, in light of the chaos that has engulfed the World Wrestling Federation of late, I have taken the liberty of implanting a special entity to ensure the Royal Rumble match comes off without a hitch, a special competitor that I feel will be able to keep everything on the level." Vince beams and grabs his lapels. "Me!" The crowd murmurs with dissension, but Vince is quick to attempt to counter it. "Please, please! I will merely be present to ensure the safe passage of my Superstars into and through the match. Despite harboring a desire to compete at WrestleMania since I invented it, if I find myself one of the final two competitors, I will gracefully eliminate myself, so as not to steal the thunder of one of the WWF Superstars."

 

Linda has to shake her head to regain composure. "You can't be serious."

 

"Oh, I'm serious, Linda."

 

"This wouldn't be some misguided attempt to assist The Rock, since he might conceivably be in the Rumble at the same time as Stone Cold Steve Austin, would it?"

 

Vince steps back in a comical show of offense. "Linda! That you would suggest such a thing! I have nothing but the best intentions for the World Wrestling Federation at heart!"

 

"Well, if you want to enter the Royal Rumble, you'll have to take that up with the new Commissioner--"

 

"That's not necessary," Vince says with a smile. "I've decided to dispose of the office of the WWF Commissioner and oversee operations at the event level personally."

 

"You don't have the authority to do that, Vince. The board of directors has voted on this issue."

 

Vince now looks genuinely offended; his brow furrows, his lip curling up in a snarl. "The hell I don't, Linda. This is my company. I bought it, I own it, and what I say goes."

 

"If you want to fight that way, Vince, Shane has concurred with the decision. That's fifty percent ownership in favor of the board's decision. You can't beat that."

 

Vince stews a moment, then retorts. "I'll file an injunction! I'll initiate a hostile takeover of your's and Shane's interest! You don't want to screw with me on this, Linda. I'm going to be in the Rumble and there is no Commissioner, and that's final."

 

Another theme music comes over the PA, charming and decidedly British--the music of William Regal. Vince looks from Regal to Linda, back, and back again. Regal offers a hand, but Vince just stares at Regal. "What the hell are you doing here, William?"

 

Linda taps Vince on the shoulder. "That's the new Commissioner, Vince."

 

"Yes, Mr. McMahon," says Regal. "And, according to a precedent established by former WWF Commissioner Shawn Michaels, the Commissioner has jurisdiction over all active WWF Superstars." The crowd makes the logical leap; so does Vince, who gulps melodramatically. So does Linda, who grins. "And since you participated in a match at Armageddon, and are petitioning to participate in this year's Royal Rumble, this can be construed as the action of an active Superstar." Regal lowers his gaze to a sneer. "Don't try to out-scoundrel a dirty, rotten bastard of a scoundrel such as myself, Mr. McMahon. You've made your bed, now lay down in it. You will compete in a qualifying match against the opponent of--"

 

Vince wheels around and puts a finger in Linda's face. "You'll see me in court, Linda. I will not acquiesce to this usurping of my authority--"

 

Regal grabs Vince by the shoulder and wheels him back around; Vince's jaw drops so far, it practically falls off his skull. Even the crowd gasps in surprise. "You'll bloody well listen to every damn word I have to say," Regal barks, "or I'll see to it you'll dine on your dental work tonight!" Vince is too stunned to even formulate a reply, let alone get one out. Regal, however, is not finished. "In fact, if it's a fight you want, Vincent, it's a fight I shall give you. Since I'm already busy tonight with a fatal four-way, we shall fight on Smackdown. If you should win, I'll not take the Commissionership, and you can run this bloody company into the dirt, as you seem intent on doing. But if I should win, I will be Commissioner." Regal now puts a finger in Vince's face. "And you will kneel at my authority, and you will take part in a qualifying match for the Royal Rumble." Regal gets up real close to Vince, keeping the finger just centimeters away from Vince's eyes. "And if I so much as sense some sort of collusion between you and that toerag hooligan The Rock to steal the victory in the Royal Rumble, I'll have no hesitation in putting the both of you out on your arses." Regal extends a hand to Linda, kisses hers delicately and escorts her out of the ring without giving Vince a second look, leaving him agog in the ring.

 

Regal's opponents are introduced first for the fatal four-way: Edge, who comes out with Christian, Matt Hardy, who is escorted by his brother, and Bull Buchanan, who has the RTC in tow. Regal does the prudent thing and has his partner, Chris Benoit, come down to the ring with him. Predictably, the extra people around the ring clash, and it doesn't take long for the overflow of opposing personalities to boil over into violence, which quickly hits the ring. In the confusion, Saturn slips into the ring and clocks Regal in the back of the head, allowing Edge to steal the victory. Vince comes out on the stage and claps as his hired thugs put the boots to Regal and Benoit.

 

But before The Radicals can celebrate too much, Austin and the Dudleys rush the ring and start brawling with Vince's enforcers. The rest of the ring clears out as the Dudleys and Austin take to pounding down The Radicals. When Guerrero, Malenko and Saturn are tossed to the floor, Austin grabs a microphone and asks; "If y'all don't wanna wait to see Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Dudley Boys beat the ever-lovin' crap out of Vince McMahon's three little jackasses, gimme a hell yeah!" The crowd enthusiastically, and, when Raw comes back from commercial, the match is on. The Radicals' technicality and speed is no match for the brute strength and brawling of their opponents, and the hardcore nature virtually locks in The Radicals' doom. Vince watches on the stage in horror as The Dudleys eliminate Guerrero and Malenko with 3-D's (Guerrero's 3-D through a table), while Austin scores the pinfall on Saturn with a Stunner.

 

Undertaker enters the ring in anticipation of his big Survivor Series rematch, gnashing his hands together as he waits for The Rock. But when the music hits, nobody comes out. The music plays again, but instead of The Rock, Vince McMahon comes out to a tidal wave of boos. Undertaker's face twists with rage as Vince cilmbs in the ring. "Listen, Undertaker. I can't risk you doing to Rock what you've been doing to other people," says Vince. "The Rock is a huge commodity in the eyes of the WWF. We can't risk you injuring or disfiguring him in any way. So, I took the liberty of sending him home." Vince claps Undertaker on the arm; Undertaker's head snaps toward Vince's hand. "You can have the night off, too, big guy." Undertaker's head snaps back again to pierce Vince with an evil glare; suddenly, his hand snatches Vince's and starts to crush it. Vince buckles at the knees as Undertaker crushes his hand and twists his arm, asking Vince if he didn't get enough at Armageddon. Vince cries and whines as Undertaker cranks on the pain until Undertaker kicks him in the chest. Undertaker drags him out of the ring, hoists him up and drops him through the announce table with a chokeslam. As he walks up the ramp, paramedics start to file out of the back; Undertaker floors one with a punch to the face. The second freezes in his tracks and gets decked as well. The stunned crowd has virtually no reaction as Undertaker poses triumphantly, fists in the air, then gestures a belt over his waist, at the top of the ramp.

 

Triple H comes out for his match against Kurt Angle, but with Chris Jericho having secured his Royal Rumble title match, speculation runs rampant as to what, if any, impact the match will have. Triple H fights like everything is still on the line, forcing Angle to switch from a more laid-back gameplan to a more aggressive stance. When Chris Jericho comes down to ringside, you can almost hear a collective groan from the crowd, but Jericho stuns everyone by pulling on Angle's leg as he bounces off the ropes. Angle turns and starts yelling at him, but Jericho responds by jumping up, grabbing Angle's head and pulling it down across the top rope. Triple H is perplexed, but not enough not to take advantage, spiking Angle with the Pedigree for the victory. Jericho slides in and jumps on Triple H. Angle rolls out of the ring and backs away, leaving the carnage behind, only to get smashed in the back with a steel chair by Undertaker. Undertaker steps over the fallen Angle, slides into the ring and waffles Triple H in the back with the chair. Jericho stands with mouth agape at the sudden development, only to get his brain rattled by his own chair shot. Undertaker drops to the floor, grabs the title belt from the timekeeper, gets back in the ring and holds it aloft, pointing to it and mouthing "It's mine, Vince, it's mine".

 

Smackdown: Dec. 21, '00

 

With Regal's confirmation as Commissioner hanging in the balance of his main event match against Vince McMahon, Kurt Angle enters Smackdown with no real clue as to whom the number one contender is, and to add insult to injury, scheduled to partner with the increadingly violent Undertaker against Triple H and Chris Jericho.

 

Steve Austin opens the in-ring action, taking on Rikishi in a grudge match, even though, due to Austin's actions in Rikishi's match with The Rock, Rikishi was granted entry to the Rumble. While Rikishi's size creates a disparity in strength, Austin's fire and rage are enough to propel him to victory. As Rikishi rolls out, Austin grabs the microphone. "Just like I just did Rikishi there, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna roll into the Royal Rumble, get into that ring, and it don't matter if I'm number one or number thirty, cause the result's the same; I'm grabbin' twenty-nine pieces of crap, throwin' them out of the ring and goin' to WrestleMania!" The crowd cheers, but Austin isn't finished. "But there's one piece of trash I wanna get my hands on more then the rest, and that's The Rock. I'm gonna get my hands on him in the Rumble, but as far as the Texas Rattlesnake's concerned, that just ain't enough." Austin gestures to the stage. "So, I'm here to ask real nice for Linda McMahon to let me have The Rock one-on-one at the Royal Rumble."

 

Linda comes out onto the stage. "Steve, I thought we discussed this."

 

"Well, I know we did, Linda. But I figured ... you're the CEO ... I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin ... surely, between the two of us, we can work it out. There ain't no reason to wait for this whole little Commissioner stuff to get done. All you have to do is say 'Yes, Stone Cold, you can face The Rock at Royal Rumble', and that's the end of it."

 

Linda cocks her head, her lips pressed together thin. "Steve, you know it's not that simple."

 

"Sure it is! Linda, I ain't askin' for much. I ain't asking for a title shot. I ain't askin' to go out with your daughter. I just want a match. One little match."

 

"But, Steve, it isn't little. This is a very big match you want me to authorize. Quite possibly the biggest non-title match in WWF history, and you want me to agree to it on the spur of the moment."

 

"You've had plenty of time to think about it, Linda. You've had since last Monday. I think I deserve an answer.Ó

 

Linda blinks, considering the situation. "Fine, Steve," says Linda. "You're right. I've had time to deliberate long enough." She takes a deep breath, exhales and says; "I cannot, in good conscience, allow you to work both the Royal Rumble and what would likely be the most physically contested and violent match in this company's history in the same night. As you've already committed yourself to the Royal Rumble, I have to decline your request." The crowd lets Linda know of their disappointment in her decision; Austin is frozen in shock, his eyes wide, his mouth slack and hanging open. "Perhaps we can discuss having the match at No Way Out in a few days, but, I'm sorry, Steve, I just am not comfortable granted your request." Linda leaves the stage, leaving a stunned Austin to try and process the denial of his dream.

 

Chris Benoit defends his Intercontinental Title against Saturn and Dean Malenko from The Radicals in a triple threat match, which is really a glorified handicap match. Benoit exploits critical mistakes by the duo and manages to pick up a roll-up pinfall on Saturn, but gets a royal beatdown afterwards. Regal arrives in time to scare them off, but not enough to spare his partner from the beating. Malenko and Saturn back up the ramp, taunting belts around their waists and pointing, proud of their punishment of Benoit.

 

Angle approaches Linda's office, the WWF Title in his hands like Oliver asking for more porridge. "Mrs. McMahon?" ehe asks, peeking his head in the door. "Can I come in?"

 

"I'm terribly busy, Kurt," says Linda, not looking up.

 

Angle pushes the door open and comes in anyway. "Mrs. McMahon, I just wanted to ... well ... I'm concerned about the number one contendership for Royal Rumble. I mean, sheesh, it's like there's number one contenders coming out of my ears or something!"

 

Linda looks up and sighs. "Yes, Kurt. It's something we're discussing. We'd prefer to leave the issue until the situation regarding the Commissionership is resolved."

 

"Yes, but, if I could maybe, you know, get an idea of what you're thinking? I mean, if I just look at it like how you got me booked tonight, against Triple H and Chris Jericho, teaming with Undertaker? Yikes, man! I mean ... come on, it's like you're trying to kill me!"

 

Linda sighs again, folds her hands on her desktop and adorns a somewhat irritated tone of voice. "Being WWF Champion isn't a cakewalk, Kurt. Should you make it to WrestleMania with the belt, you're going to find yourself against possibly the toughest opponent of your life, under the harshest spotlights, in the toughest situation you'll ever face. I can assure you you're not being persecuted. Sometimes, champions do face adversity. By competing for, and winning that belt, you agreed to face that adversity. I am sorry you feel under the gun tonight, but recent events demanded some sort of pairing of the four of you, and this was the best pairing we could come up with. We will discuss the number one contender next week." Angle tries to formulate an argument, but a phone call comes through that Linda has to take, leaving Angle in silence. Angle petulantly stomps out of the room, looking back in scorn.

 

Angle is introduced first for his tag team match; he stands in the ring, shaking nervously, as Undertaker roars down the aisle and around the ring on his motorcycle, like a vulture circling a dead body. As soon as Undertaker parks his bike, Angle moves to the opposite side of the ring, trying to put as much distance between himself and his maniacal partner. Triple H and Jericho, meanwhile, start arguing right away, allowing Undertaker and Angle to get the jump on them. Triple H and Jericho struggle to get on the same page, and when they manage to get an advantage, they blow it with oneupsmanship and petty jealousy over who gets the pin attempt. Finally, Jericho has enough of Triple H and, when he goes for a Pedigree on Undertaker, Jericho clips Triple H's knee and leaves ringside. Undertaker recovers enough to nail a Last Ride on Triple H and scores the pinfall for his team. No sooner does Undertaker get the victory then he switches gears and focuses on Angle; Angle quickly drops to the floor and makes tracks down the aisle, while Undertaker pantomimes a belt around his waist and points at Angle.

 

Vince approaches the ring with his normal bravado and cocky stroll, puffing his arms out like a peacock would its tail. Regal, by comparison, is all business, looking across the ring grimly as Vince has a stern chat (complete with finger-waving) with the match's designated referee, the notorious Earl Hebner. As soon as the match begins, it becomes obvious that the fix is on; Hebner jumps all over Regal, threatening DQ's on elbow strikes and European uppercuts and demanding breaks on simple moves like chinlocks and sleepers, while Vince gets the rulebook almost disposed of. Pinfalls are also counted with a glaring discrepancy; Regal's counts are deliberately slow, while Vince's (all gotten from blatant cheating that would give another ref cause to call for a DQ) are hummingbird quick. The ref problem is wiped out, though, when Regal accidentally whips Vince into Hebner. With the ref out, Vince nails a low blow and goes for the plunder. Before Vince can blast Regal with a chair, though, Shane McMahon, wearing a referee's shirt, slides in and yanks the chair out of his hands. While the McMahons argue, Regal recovers enough to get up, drag McMahon down to the mat and clamp on the Regal Stretch. Vince isn't in the move long enough for Shane to get down on the mat before he taps; Regal gives a couple extra jerks just to add injury to insult. Shane signals for the bell and raises Regal's hand as the crowd cheers; all the faces in the locker room pour out and celebrate Regal's victory, including Austin, who comes out, shakes Regal's hand firmly and says; "Come Monday, we got business."

 

Raw: Dec. 25, '00

 

The Christmas edition of Raw kicks off with Regal coming to the ring, the ring announcer proclaiming him the new WWF Commissioner; Regal is welcomed warmly, especially in comparison to his predecessor. "Thank you," he says, "you're too kind. Tonight is my first night as active Commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation, and there's a terrible amount of business to get to, so let me start off with--"

 

Breaking glass and a heavy guitar riff bring Austin down to the ring. After his normal four-corner salute of the fans, Austin grabs a mic and gets up close to Regal. "William. You and I, we gotta have a talk about me and Rocky," says Austin. "I been waitin' for months, and I'm tired of waitin', and I figured, since it's the holiday season, you might consider, you know, givin' me a little present."

 

Before Regal can get out a single syllable, the Olympic flourish ushers out the WWF Champion, proudly wearing all his gold. Angle comes down and approaches Regal with cold determination. "Commissioner Regal," says Angle, "I know you're busy, but I won't wait any longer. I'm the WWF Champion, I'm an Olympic gold medalist, and I deserve to know who the number one contender is."

 

Austin pushes Angle aside. "I been waitin' a year to get my hands on the son of a bitch who ran me over, Kurt. I think I come first." Austin turns back to Regal and says; "So, how 'bout it? Me and Rocky. You gonna make the match or what?"

 

Now Angle pushes Austin aside with an incredulous look on his face. "Excuse me? WWF Champion here. I think my problems are just a little bigger, right?"

 

Austin shoves Angle aside, almost sending him to the mat. Angle responds with a shoves of his own, and before you know it, they're bumping chests and barking at each other. Before Regal can interject himself, Vince's music cues up. The Chairman stomps down to the ring, his face twisted in a mask of rage. Before Vince can even get in the ring, though, Shane comes out and starts bumping chests with his father. Regal stands and watches, shaking his head as Vince and Shane, and Austin and Angle, snort and huff like pairs of mountain goats ready to butt heads, when yet another person, Regal's partner, Chris Benoit, comes down to the ring and gets in the faces of both Angle and Austin in defense of his friend.

 

Finally, the bickering and the almost-fighting is too much and Regal blows his stack. "Shut it! All of you, shut it!" Immediately, everyone stops and stares at Regal as if he's grown a third eye; then, the group fugue breaks, and all of them start talking at once, pleading their case. Again, Regal barks at everyone to shut up, which they do. "You're bloody giving me a bloody headache! I've got half a mind to put all of you out on your backsides and not even put you on the Royal Rumble pay-per-view!" Vince starts to talk, but Regal jumps right on. "You'll do well to remember, Vincent, that by wrestling at Armageddon and insisting on taking part at Royal Rumble, you've placed yourself under my jurisdiction." Regal barely pauses long enough for Vince to inhale. "I know you're about to object to your son administering the decision in our match last week on Smackdown. May I remind you that, not only is Shane McMahon an executive in this company, you threatened Earl Hebner's job if he did not call the match in your favor. Your wife has already stated the decision will stand. And before you ask," adds Regal, getting closer to point a finger in Vince's face, "if you want to be in the Rumble, you'll be wrestling tonight to qualify, against young Crash Holly in a hardcore match."

 

Regal then fixes his gaze on Angle. "As for you, Kurt, and you, Steve; I've no intention of letting either of you wait any longer in your respective issues. However, I also have no intention of letting you push me around. This office has had enough damage done by corrupt and inept individuals, and if I am to make a successful go of it, I cannot be bullied about by anybody who can't keep a lid on their mouth."

 

"I'm not just anybo--"

 

"That's enough, Kurt!" Regal snaps. "You want to know your opponent for Royal Rumble? You have three: Triple H, Chris Jericho and Undertaker. And as for you, Steve," he continues, turning to Austin, "I understand your need to square up debts with The Rock. However, you have only been active for a short period of time, coming off a horrific injury, and I cannot in good conscience allow you to wrestle twice in one night, especially when the first match will be the Royal Rumble." Regal gives them both stern glances and adds; "And since I can see neither of you are happy with this decision, you can meet Christopher and I in the ring later on tonight and work out some of that aggression. If that's all, you can all get the hell out of my ring now!"

 

Shane steps forward, head bowed, hands laced together. "Commissioner, can I make a request?" he says respectfully.

 

Regal sighs. "What?"

 

Shane turns to glare at his father. "I don't believe that my father's intentions in the Rumble are anything other then to protect his 'investment' in The Rock, at the expense of Stone Cold Steve Austin and the rest of the WWF Superstars. I can't let him get away with such blatant favortism." Shane turns back to look Regal in the eye. "I want a qualifying match, too. If the only way to keep my father honest in the Rumble is to be in it myself, then so be it."

 

Regal takes a deep breath, holding Shane's gaze for a long moment. Finally, Regal nods, slowly. "Fair enough. You'll have your match tonight." Almost everyone leaves the ring exchanging sneers with the new Commissioner, which Regal returns in kind.

 

Shane's qualifying match comes up first, squaring off against the RTC's Val Venis. Being an untrained wrestler, Shane is put through the ringer against the much more experienced Venis. However, Venis' cohorts get greedy in trying to ensure the victory for their partner, and in trying to interfere, accidentally cost their own man the match. In the back, Vince nearly has a heart attack watching on a monitor as his son get the three count. Eddie Guerrero lays a hand on Vince's shoulder, which he retracts when Vince shoots him a glance that could stop a clock. "You just make sure there's no screw-ups in our plans for the rest of the evening," Vince growls, "or you'll find a pink slip in your stocking for Christmas." Guerrero nods and leaves Vince to stew.

 

As Rock prepares for his match against Raven, Guerrero pays a visit to the former People's Champion. Before Guerrero can even get a word out, Rock is there to meet him, hand up in his face to silence Guerrero. "The Rock doesn't want to talk to you, Eddie Guerrero. The Rock doesn't want you near him."

 

"Holmes, esse, c'mon--"

 

"The Rock knows why you're here, Eddie Guerrero. Vince sent you to protect The Rock, to watch over The Rock, to have The Rock's back. Well, you know what that's gotten The Rock in the past two months? The Rock is a hated man. The Rock is spit on by the fans, and by the rest of the WWF Superstars. Being associated with Vince McMahon has made the people turn against The Rock for something he didn't do. So The Rock is going to break this down for you, 'holmes': The Rock doesn't want help from Vince McMahon or Vince McMahon's little pets tonight, The Rock doesn't want help at the Royal Rumble, and in case that isn't perfectly clear, you tell Vince that The Rock is done with Vince McMahon. As a matter of fact, The Rock is about this close to being done with the whole damn thing. So you run and tell Vince that, Eddie Guerrero. You tell him The Rock says he needs to know his role, shut his mouth and stay out of The Rock's life." Guerrero gives Rock a curious glance, then leaves without another word spoken.

 

The Rock's match against Raven comes off quite surprising, as not only does Raven dictate most of the match, but Rock's attempts at offense and defense are feeble at best, leading the commentators to speculate on his mental state. Despite his prior warnings, Guerrero comes down to help Rock by trying to take Raven's head off with a chair on the outside, but Rock stops him and lays him out. Rock manages to reverse a Raven Effect attempt into a Rock Bottom for the sudden pinfall, but as he stalks off without posing or accepting the referee's attempt to raise his hand, it becomes plainly obvious the stress is getting to The Rock.

 

As Undertaker sits on his bike, waiting on his music to cue up to the proper spot for his entrance, his opponent, Kane, comes at him from behind with a shovel; Undertaker falls to the ground in a heap, clutching the back of his head. Guerrero steps out of the shadows, barking orders at Kane to continue the beating. Kane grabs a steel chair and places it over the head of Undertaker, then uses the second chair to strike his half-brother, sandwiching Undertaker's head between the steel and the concrete. Guerrero tells him not to stop; Kane swings again, this time murdering Undertaker's torso with uncountable shots. To put the exclamation point on it, Kane wedges Undertaker's head into the chair, with the backing around his throat, and stomps on it, Pillmanizing Undertaker's throat, making him cough up blood. Kane and Guerrero back off, laughing madly as medics load Undertaker into an ambulance.

 

Crash uses his knowledge and experience in the hardcore division to get the advantage on Vince when the Chairman enters the ring, ambushing him and battering the boss with trash can lids and cookie sheets. Vince takes a pounding with the plunder, but kicks out of Crash's pin attempts. A nutshot stops Crash cold, though, and after Vince gives the ref a dirty, menacing glare, a hyper-quick three-count gives Vince the victory and a slot in the Rumble.

 

The main event tag match divides the loyalties of the crowd, between the new by-the-book Commissioner and his partner, and the perennial favorite in Austin and his partner, the seemingly besieged WWF Champion. Everybody gets a chance at to tee off on someone from the other side, but the balance of skills from everyone keeps the match a see-saw battle. The match ends up being thrown out when Vince sends out The Radicals and Kane to annihilate everyone, only to see his plan come undone when Angle, Austin, Regal and Benoit all get on the same page and drive their attackers away. Vince's thugs vow revenge, but as they jaw-jack with the foursome in the ring, Shane McMahon comes out and tackles his father on the stage; officials are close on his heels to pry apart father and son, and to keep Vince's henchmen away from Shane. Vince and Shane exchange words over the shoulders of the group of men keeping them apart while Austin, Angle, Benoit and Regal look on and laugh.

 

Smackdown: Dec. 28, '00

 

A huge eight-man tag headlines Smackdown, pitting The Radicals and Kane against the unlikely foursome that squared off in a tag team match three days prior of Angle, Austin, Regal and Benoit. But to lead off Smackdown, The Rock is slated to square off against Steve Blackman for the Hardcore Championship. The Rock enters the ring first, but before Blackman can come out, Rocky grabs a mic. When he speaks, his voice is low, contrite, a far cry from the normal bombastic, over-the-top attitude he normally displays.

 

"The Rock isn't out here to talk trash, or to make challenges or anything like that. Tonight, Vince McMahon got Steve Blackman to put his Hardcore Title on the line against The Rock." For a moment, a light perks up in Rock's eyes as he stares down the camera. "Vince, let The Rock make one thing perfectly clear; being associated with you has cost The Rock everything he has. The people, respect, the WWF Championship ... personal safety ... Because The Rock listened to Vince McMahon, The Rock lost everything that matters to The Rock. So The Rock is out here to deliver a simple message to Vince McMahon: Vince, leave The Rock alone. Don't do The Rock any favors, don't pull any strings for The Rock, don't do anything for The Rock. Steve Blackman, you can stay in the back; you won't be facing The Rock tonight; The Rock forfeits."

 

The stunned crowd stirs to life again quickly when Steve Austin's music hits the speakers. The Rock doesn't even go into a defensive posture when he hears Austin's music; he merely looks to the entrance with resignation. Austin, however, surprises everyone by only coming out to the stage, ready for talking instead of fighting.

 

"That's real movin', Rocky," says Austin snidely, walking back and forth across the grated steel of the stafe. "The problem is, it's also a pile of crap! Everybody in this damn building knows that you been duckin' Stone Cold Steve Austin for almost three months. You been hidin' behind Vince's skirt because you're afraid; since you didn't get it done at Survivor Series last year, now, you gotta reckon with one pissed-off Texas Rattlesnake who's lookin' for blood." Austin stops pacing, giving Rocky a glare of evil intentions. "I ain't out here to threaten, Rocky, because I think you damn well know that one day real soon, I'm gonna catch up with you. You know that, one day, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna get the jump on you and I'm gonna get revenge on you for stealing a year of my life! So if you're tired of being in my crosshairs, Rocky, if you wanna get on with it like I do, then you need to do something." The Rock cocks his head, squinting as Austin continues. "You need to go up to your buddy, Vince, and say you want to get this done at the Royal Rumble. You need to go up to your buddy and use this stroke you got to make something between us happen. Because the longer this goes, Rock ..." Austin flashes a toothy grin that looks like a crocodile about to eat something that fell into his pond. "The longer you drag this out, Rocky, the more time I got to think of new ways to get you back!" Austin throws down the mic and disappears behind the curtain, leaving Rock in the ring to contemplate Austin's words.

 

With his head hanging low, Chris Jericho approaches the free-standing door that represents the entrance to the APA's "office". Faarooq barks out permission to enter, but when he and Bradshaw see their visitor is the reviled homewrecker of the WWF, both recoil. "We don't do business with your kind," says Bradshaw. Faarooq agrees and orders Jericho to hit the bricks.

 

"Please! I need your help!" pleads Jericho.

 

"We do business with you, and we won't get any more business ever again," says Faarooq.

 

"I have nowhere else to turn! I didn't do it and I need your help to prove it."

 

Faarooq and Bradshaw look at each other and laugh. "Do we look like private detectives?" says Bradshaw. "We're in the protection business, Jericho."

 

Jericho won't relent. "I can pay you. Money. Title shots. Whatever it takes."

 

Faarooq waves him off. "Buddy, nothin' you got can make us want to take your business."

 

Jericho closes his eyes, sighs, and steps up to the table. "How 'bout I fight you for it?"

 

Bradshaw and Faarooq bust up in laughter again. Through subsiding laughter, Bradshaw asks; "Who the hell's gonna partner with you?"

 

Jericho stands resolute, looking both of the APA in the eyes. "Nobody. Handicap match. I win, you do some investigative work for me." He pauses for effect, then adds; "Unless you're scared of getting your butts kicked by me, all by my lonesome."

 

Bradshaw and Faarooq exchange glances for a moment, considering the idea. "You feel like fightin'?" asks Faarooq.

 

Before Bradshaw can reply, Jericho takes the initiative of giving the APA some incentive, and slaps Bradshaw's head, then flips over the poker table. Bradshaw and Faarooq are up on their feet in Jericho's face in a heartbeat. "So, we got a deal?" Jericho asks.

 

Bradshaw stares a hole through Jericho. "Boy, I don't know when you went so stupid, but I'm gonna enjoy beatin' the stupid right outta ya. You got five minutes to make your funeral arrangements before we meet you in the ring."

 

Jericho comes out to the ring alone, as promised. When the APA enter the ring and Jericho doesn't run away, everyone expects a surprise partner or ambush; to everyone's surprise, Jericho pulls no surprise and fights his own battle, taking a hellacious pounding as a result. Jericho manages to get in some very minimal offense, but the two-on-one advantage allows the APA the opportunity to take the advantage at will. Victory looks assured for the APA after Jericho eats a Dominator from Faarooq and a Clothesline From Hell from Bradshaw, but the surprise appearence of Stephanie McMahon draws the APA's attention. Stephanie pleads for the APA to talk with her; Faarooq and Bradshaw drop down to the floor as Stephanie pleads for them to take Jericho's job request, regardless of the match. Stephanie begs for their help to prove her innocent, which the APA listen to politely if with measurable disinterest; however, Stephanie's pleas for service keep the APA out of the ring long enough for a ten-count, giving the match to Jericho by count-out. Bradshaw and Faarooq cuss and fume over their inattention costing them the victory as they stomp back to the locker room, leaving Jericho hurting but victorious in the ring.

 

The TitanTron comes up on the bowed head of Triple H, alone in a darkened room. "This has been the worst year of my life," says Triple H without lifting his head. "It was supposed to be the culmination of a career. I was supposed to reign supreme atop the World Wrestling Federation, my wife alongside me, running the company while I held the WWF Title in a stranglehold. I retired Mick Foley, the man behind the hardcore icon known as Cactus Jack ... I main-evented WrestleMania against three men and made history as the first heel to win the main event ... and what do I get for it?" Triple H's head whips up to gaze harshly into the camera's lens. "I lose my WWF Championship in a tag match when my father-in-law gets pinned by The Rock. My marriage disintegrates, first because of Kurt Angle, and then because Chris Jericho takes advantage of my wife. My brother-in-law tries to cripple me and put me in the hospital, and my father-in-law allows it to happen." Triple H takes a breath, his lip turned up in a snarl; he exhales, letting the snarl dissolve. "We're four days from 2001. A new year. A new beginning for me. At the Royal Rumble, I step into the ring against three other men with the World Wrestling Federation Championship in the balance: The Undertaker, the man who says he makes people famous, the man who has been on such a path of destruction, Vince McMahon had to turn to Undertaker's brother just to slow him down, a man who wants the title to stick it to Vince McMahon. Chris Jericho, a man who slept ..." The snarl comes back on Triple H's lips; he has to pause to collect himself, lowering his head again. "A man who set foot where a man should never set foot: in the sanctity of another man's personal life." Triple H looks up again, his eyes cold as steel and narrowed to slits. "And Kurt Angle. The supposed champion of the people, the man who diverted a woman's attention from her man and gave her all the reason in the world to look for affection from another man. Every one of you has been running your mouth about how someone screwed you or framed you. None of you have anything to complain about compared to me. But at the Royal Rumble, I'm gonna give all three of you something to complain about: how all three of you were beaten to a bloody pulp and defeated by The Game, Triple H."

 

Michael Cole announces, as the Radicals and Kane come down the ramp for the main event, that the duo of Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn have been granted a WWF Tag Title shot against Chris Benoit and William Regal at the Royal Rumble. The news, no doubt, accommodates for their swagger as they approach the ring, in addition to knowing that their team is much more a cohesive unit then their opponents, which is rife with strain and animosity. The Radicals and Kane exploit the lack of cohesion to dissect the team, relying especially on Kane to physically overpower the opposition. But an attempt at a Tombstone on Benoit is reversed when Benoit floats over and nails a hard German. Benoit gets the tag to Austin, who unloads on the opposition with rights and lefts, but a thrust to the throat from Kane stops Austin's progress; he staggers back to the corner and gets the tag to Angle, although the entire team comes back in, causing a full-scale brawl. With everyone in the ring at once, the ref loses track of the match and, therefore, doesn't see Triple H come in and clock Angle in the back of the head, sending him stumbling into the hands of Kane, who plants him with a chokeslam. With everyone busy brawling, Kane makes the cover and gets the pin. Triple H celebrates his costing Angle the match with a chuckle as he backs up the ramp, not seeing that Undertaker has come out of the back with a sledgehammer; Triple H turns around and takes it between the eyes, then charges the ring, making a beeline for Kane. Jericho takes the opportunity to go after Angle as the brawling spreads out, bringing the last WWF program of the year to a chaotic close.

 

Raw: Jan. 1, '01

 

The first Raw of 2001 kicks off in the ring, with Malenko and Saturn taking on The Dudleys in a tag team tables match. The scientific Radicals are obviously out of their element, both in light of the relaxed rules and trying to manhandle the much larger Dudley brothers. Benoit and Regal come down to ringside and hang out, making the atmosphere all the more awkward, keeping Malenko and Saturn from acquiring any foriegn objects they could use to even the odds. The distraction of having their Rumble opponents at ringside proves the final nail for The Radicals, even though Benoit and Regal keep their hands off their opponents, as Saturn gets nailed with a 3-D through a table after taking time out to talk trash at his opponents. Benoit and Regal help set up a second table so Malenko can taste lumber, and shake hands with the brothers afterwards.

 

As Regal walks back to his office, he crosses paths with Austin. "Steve," says Regal studiously, as Austin stares a hole through him, "is there something I can do for you?"

 

"Yeah, you can gimme The Rock at Royal Rumble," Austin says flatly.

 

"Steve, we've been through--"

 

"What do I have to do to get Rocky at the Rumble, huh? You want me to beg? You want me to wrestle twice in one night, show you I can handle it?"

 

Regal shakes his head. "I'm sorry, Steve, it's just not a risk neither I nor Linda are comfortable taking." Regal starts to walk away, but Austin grabs his shoulder. Regal turns around, flashing his trademark sneer. "Listen, I've had just about enough of you. I don't want to be cross with you, Steve; we are old friends, and I'd like to keep it that way. But you made a commitment to the Royal Rumble, and I cannot allow--"

 

"What if I buy the match?"

 

Regal blinks, absolutely stunned. "I'm sorry?"

 

"I'll buy the match. One month's pay, in exchange for the match. You don't even have to sanction it. Just gimme a place to have it. That's all I ask."

 

Regal pauses to consider, then says; "I'll have to discuss it with Mrs. McMahon, but I honestly don't think she'll agree, Steve. Now, please, excuse me." Regal walks away quickly, leaving Austin alone in the hallway.

 

Funaki comes out for his match against Scotty 2 Hotty, but the match barely gets past a lock-up before Undertaker barges in on the proceedings. Funaki gets a chokeslam for not moving fast enough to get out of Undertaker's way, while Scotty gets one for sticking up for Funaki. Scotty's partner, Grandmaster Sexay, tries to stick up for his buddy, eats a big boot and gets tossed for his troubles. Once the ring is cleared, Undertaker speaks. "In three weeks, I'm rollin' into Royal Rumble to take the WWF Title," he says, pacing the ring. "In my way, you got some scrawny little punk, some stringy-haired fool who can't keep a hold on his old lady, and some cross-eyed dork who thinks he's in the Olympics. Them's my opponents, and they're supposed to be my only opponents." Undertaker pauses and points a finger to the back. "But that son of a bitch, Vince McMahon, he's had it out for me since day one, and he don't want Undertaker wearin' his gold. He don't want no fire-breathing, bike-riding, ass-kicking American badass bein' his WWF Champion, so he sends his monkies, and he sends my brother to come knock me out the game before Royal Rumble rolls around. Vince, when are you gonna learn that this here, this is my ring. You don't got--"

 

The lights go out and red flares explode from the turnbuckles. Kane comes down the ramp, ready to fight; Undertaker drops down to the floor to meet him. The two giants trade punches, neither one willing to be the first to take a knee, until Chris Jericho runs out and clobbers Undertaker in the back. Jericho's appearence draws out Triple H, who shoves aside Kane to get at Jericho; Kane takes none too kindly to this, grabs Triple H by the throat and chokeslams him on the steel ramp, then joins in stomping down Undertaker with Chris Jericho until officials clear the scene.

 

The APA begin their investigation (grumbling about it the entire time) by going into the production truck and cornering the director of Raw, drilling him about where they got the tape. The director says he got it by mail (the address on the envelope indicating a post office box), and was contacted by phone on when to play it. Faarooq and Bradshaw leave the truck discussing on whether the post office or the motel will get better results.