WrestleCrap Power Crappings, Week II

8 Submitted by on Fri, 25 January 2013, 14:17

Once again, WrestleCrap is back with its brand new, weekly interaction, in which Our Loyal Crappers decide what the worst in wrestling was for the past week. They can choose gimmicks, storylines, news stories, or anything else that constitutes “Crap”, and the votes are tallied in order to determine the WORST in wrestling…..at least for this week!

Away we go.

cena

John Cena’s Raw-Ending Promo (Last Week: NOT RANKED)
When hyping the biggest gimmick match of the year, trying to tie the whole thing together with a rant about playing video games and hangovers may not sit well with the fans. It allegedly didn’t even resonate with fellow wrestlers backstage either.

noname WWE Promotes “No-Name-Calling Week” (Last Week: NOT RANKED)

That’s right kids; words are painful. Particularly when the biggest star around calls someone’s advocate “Twinkie tits”, and insults a woman’s looks. Outside the ring, who could forget the times Vince has referred to Ted Turner as a lithium addict?

steelhorse
The Steelhorse Vachon Incident (Last Week: NOT RANKED)

Burly indy wrestler gets stiffed viciously by an angry opponent, and then calls the cops after the show to report the assault. Those who mock Steelhorse don’t realize he’s got 15 minutes of fame to cash in on now, if he’s smart about it.

zack
Zack Ryder’s Burial Continues (Last Week: 5)

Ryder’s 45-second squash job by Big Show on Monday was about 5 times shorter than an episode of his now-defunct internet series. As of now, Ryder isn’t even booked for the Rumble match. Well hey, one less chance for him to be buried.

miz
The Miz as a babyface/heir apparent to Ric Flair (Last Week: 4)

Raven once told a story of David Flair being unable to do a Figure Four, but at least young David was barely-trained. Miz is an experienced performer, and WrestleMania headliner, whose Figure Four had all the smoothness and polish of Chi-Chis diarrhea.

rock
The Rock Invokes MLK in his Promo (Last Week: Not Ranked)

Make no mistake, Rock’s promo work on Monday was far, FAR better than the tripe John Cena spit out. Although Monday was a national holiday honoring one of the most strident civil rights advocates in world history, he shouldn’t be a selling point for a PPV.

brookebully
Brooke Hogan and Bully Ray Tie the Knot (Last Week: 1)

Although the fervor from their wedding has died down a bit from last week, it’s still TNA’s lamest aspect, no matter how expertly Bully tries to sell it. The day that Brooke, the Hulkster, and the entire Hulkamania freakshow leaves Orlando will be for the best.

khalhornnat
The Great Khali/Hornswoggle/Natalya Trifecta From Hell (Last Week: 2)

Hey, with Eve gone, and Beth Phoenix long since history herself, you’d think you’d move the technically proficient Natalya into the lead heel role against Kaitlyn, right? Well, so far, she’s happy twirling around like a demented princess to no one’s amusement.

divas
The Divas Division (Last Week: Not Ranked)

Kaitlyn seems game in the champion’s role, but the losses of Eve and Beth have left few good opponents. Layla doing the inevitable heel turn seems fine, but while Nattie dances away, and AJ is wasted, Kaitlyn’s been fed Aksana, Alicia, and (soon) Tamina.

taz
Taz’s Heel Turn (Last Week: Not Ranked)

To be fair, Aces and Eights needed a decent mouthpiece, and Taz, when he’s not rambling mushmouth-style about pigeons, makes an effective voice for wherever they’re going with this. That said, Taz did utter the doomed phrase, “Higher Power”.

vickie
Vickie Guerrero (Last Week: 15)

Shrilly screams of The Rock’s catchphrase, and being the one who introduced Rock’s entire concert from the week before (and I do mean “entire”) earned WWE’s resident stilted-voice, one-trick-pony a 4-spot-shot up the Power Crappings ladder this week.

seats
WWE Now Employs “Seat Fillers” (Last Week: Not Ranked)

Vanity, thy name is Vince. A Houston Press scribe shared a story about serving as a “seat filler” during Raw’s 20th anniversary. Go figure, he was brought in during the Divas match, which is prime concession time. Leave it to WWE to pretend to be the Oscars.

baretta
Trent Baretta Released (Last Week: Not Ranked)

You mean he was still in WWE all this time? In modern times, the lowest tier is almost never seen on flagship programming, and a number of fans (not to mention wrestlers like Dolph Ziggler) are maligning the loss of this bright and eager young talent.

aces8s
Aces and Eights (Last Week: 7)

Either other options were more tempting to vote for, or adding Taz has given them some (if fleeting) direction, but the Aces seem like they’re moving in some direction. Of course, by next week’s voting, they could be just as unnecessarily irritating as before.

cenadolph
Dolph Ziggler Can’t Beat John Cena (Last Week: 3)

Man, talk about holding a grudge. Ziggler and Cena didn’t even cross paths this week, and some voters are still bitter about how their cage match on January 14 turned out. Guess it’s appropriate that WWE’s cash-cow bookends this edition of the Crappings.

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
8 Responses to "WrestleCrap Power Crappings, Week II"
  1. Bill Richy says:

    I agree with the decision to rank Cena’s RAW-ending promo at number one, but that decision has nothing to do with the promo’s content. I actually laughed out loud several times during the promo, something that rarely happens when Cena is involved these days. I think the problem has more to do with scheduling.
    Earlier in the show, both The Rock and CM Punk cut excellent promos about their WWE Championship match, but those promos were buried in the middle of the show. Meanwhile, all night long they pimped “John Cena addressing the WWE universe.” The comments of one of the Royal Rumble entrants was deemed a higher priority than the comments of the participants in the WWE Championship match. Of course, the segment degenerated into usual go-home show ending brawl, but it was advertised as a Cena promo. All. Night. Long.
    Once again, the WWE Championship, the flagship title in the promotion, took a backseat to whatever John Cena had going on. And that’s where the problem is.

  2. Peter Santellan says:

    This week wasn’t a good week for my attention span on wrestling, so I missed the majority of the new additions. Had I seen more than about 30 minutes this week, I’d have Taz turning heel as the worst, as he just looks odd standing with the rest of the group. I think it’s the shirt under the vest. Other than that, it wouldn’t be a fair voting process for me if I don’t pay attention to even half the programming in a week.

  3. JP says:

    Pardon my stupidity, but who the hell is Trent Baretta ?

  4. Phil Melcher says:

    Look at that shirt Taz is wearing….makes me want to break out into “The Lumberjack Song”. Ace and Eights do need a direction and having Devon and Taz has the faces (literally) of the group as well as their spokesmen does something, but there’s still a lot of work to be done if this group has any shot of getting over.

  5. ReallyPeteGas says:

    if the clay/tensai dance off isn’t #1 next week i’ll be highly upset.

  6. Matt McGovern says:

    SEAT FILLERS?! PATHETIC!!!!!!!

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