Here are the 15 worst stories, angles, gimmicks, and miscellaneous events in wrestling, as chosen by our fellow Crappers!
Daddy Hulk has been aching to find something for his daughter, The Wooden Salmon, to sink her Botoxed lips into. So what better than taking one of the company’s most antagonistic heels, one guaranteed to cut a great promo time and time again, and make him Brooke’s beau? And with the disastrous wedding angle on Thursday’s Impact, there’s a chance this could be a repeat #1.
WWE’s idea of a merry band of misfits includes a sunken-eyed monster, a happy-go-lucky midget, and a rather comely (and criminally misused) lass. All this angle’s missing is a twelve-fingered man, or possibly Elijah Wood. They’re out there for no other reason except to create silly contrast in each other’s presence, and to continue using a once-in-a-lifetime talent in Natalya to her not-fullest.
Dolph Ziggler can’t beat John Cena
Maybe the problem is too many matches and too many shows? If Bret Hart wrestled on every episode of Raw from 1993-95, he’d win most of his matches, and we’d have gotten sick of him too. Regardless, there’s little solace in seeing Cena get the better of Ziggler again and again and again and again, in this oversaturated, give-us-somebody-different era of youthful sponsor pandering.
The Miz as a babyface
Miz as a heel bragged about his fame and success while running down the “haters” who said he couldn’t make it. That was fine. Miz as a face makes the same jokes John Cena makes, while coming off like a 30-year old Kevin McAllister. That is not fine.
WWE disses Zack Ryder….again
The passive-aggressive pimp-slapping of Long Island Iced Z continues, as Ryder’s Twitter count isn’t even acknowledged in a WWE Did You Know? of top follower counts. They tell talent to get over on their own, Ryder does, and then he’s punished for it.
Hulk Hogan claims a $50M match with John Cena was in the works
The Hulkster is at it again, suing doctors for performing surgery on him that, allegedly, cost him a huge payday with WWE star John Cena. Maybe Hogan wouldn’t have been paid $50M for said match, but that’s the amount he’s suing for.
Aces and Eights
Much like Jenny McCarthy’s continued existence, they’re still going. At least we have five unmasked members now in DOC, Knox, Devon, Anderson, and Taz, so maybe, with a big name, it’s salvageable. Given anything involving Hogan though, don’t bet on it.
Ric Flair, senile and without purpose
RD Reynolds thought it was Leslie Nielsen on his TV Monday night, but I did him one better, claiming that the guest on MizTV was the decomposed corpse of Lt. Frank Drebin. Seeing a broke Nature Boy try to live in the past is simply disheartening.
Raw 20 disappoints
While not a terrible show (the wrestling was good), Raw 20 didn’t feature much nostalgia outside of a few guests and many video packages. No Austin, Michaels, Jericho, Undertaker, Batista, HHH, Piper, or even the frigging Quebecers!
Alberto Del Rio as a babyface
While nowhere near annoying as Miz, Del Rio’s face turn came out of left field, and seems to have little thought behind it. The new champ came off well on Monday, mixing bravado with flair (a la Eddie Guerrero and Razor Ramon), but it’ll take time.
Superstar Billy Graham rips CM Punk
I’ll go easy here, in light of Friday’s news that Graham is critically ill, but the iconic heel came off as an old coot when he bashed Punk for his in-character comments about Bruno Sammartino. Chris Jericho, no friend of Graham’s, retorted on Punk’s behalf.
CM Punk vs. The Rock
Some voters don’t like the idea of Rock getting a WWE Title shot, even if it will likely be a hell of a match at the Royal Rumble. Those who tire of the part-timers taking up precious airtime and big angles know that Jack Tunney wouldn’t have stood for it.
TNA needed some new announcers, and Keneley’s a smart man who seems to love the business, but it’s an ill-fit so far. His nasally voice takes getting used to, and he seems to think saying “Hell” a lot is edgy. He can always fine-tune his style, of course.
What, exactly, is Long’s purpose these days? It was bad enough when he turned every intersecting pair of feuds into a “TAG TEAM MATCH, PLAYA”, but now he just stands there with Booker T, maybe to take a slap from a disenchanted heel sometimes.
There’s comic foils, and then there’s one who serves no purpose, except screeching her catchphrase, and speaking in a stilted, deer-in-the-headlights cadence before others make fun of her age and/or weight. Monday Night Football sends her thank-you notes.
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