To Haku!

25 Submitted by on Wed, 01 May 2013, 02:16

(At a tavern near New York, Friday night on WrestleMania weekend. Four men are sitting around a table, enjoying themselves with perhaps a tad too much zeal)

harley

Haku is a son of a bitch! Do you assholes know Haku?

finlay

Hell yeah I know Haku! Big guy, goes about 7 foot 3, weighs about 580 lbs. Puts away a lot of whiskey!

regal

That’s for certain! Hell of a worker, too!

funk

To Haku!

drunks

TO HAKU!!!!!!

regal

Did I ever tell you guys about the time Haku took me to a Civil War re-enactment?

harley

I run a sweat shop in my basement!

trio1

…………………………….

regal

Well anyway, Haku and I are traveling through West Virginia after a Thunder taping. He’s a bit of a history buff, so we stop off at this Civil War re-enactment. Sure enough, they’re performing the Battle of Harper’s Ferry, which was a Confederate victory. As the Union soldiers are being mock slain, Haku screams, in front of several groups of school children, “RE-WRITE”, and pulls out a f–king machete. Haku proceeds to dismantle and dismember the actors, including at least five Union ones by my count, as well as the handicapped kid who wouldn’t stop crying. To this day, Wikipedia acknowledges that the Union won that battle, and anyone who tries to edit it back feels a subconscious stabbing pain between their chin and throat!

harley

Ha ha, that sounds like old Haku!

funk

He used to wrap his son’s lunch with the missing Dead Sea Scrolls!

finlay

He makes snuff films that have blooper reels at the end!

regal

The only thing he’s had sex with that he hasn’t rendered instantly sterile from the blast of the orgasm was the flight recorder on our trip to Tuscon.

harley

He made the Black Panthers and the cast of Hee Haw sign a treaty that forces them to live in harmony!

regal

To Haku!

drunks

TO HAKU!!!!!!!!!!!

finlay

Remember when Haku organized that charity golf tournament?

regal

I cry while watching Extreme Makeover!

trio1

……………………….

finlay

So anyway, Haku puts together a tournament to raise funds for his favorite breast cancer charity. We all show up, great cause, you know how it is. Anyway, Haku gets belligerent when he misses a three foot putt. You know how Haku can be, drives off with the golf cart, drinking tequila out of the bottle, flipping off children. Just a HORRID scene. Then when the greenskeeper, the poor bastard, tries to stop em, Haku screams, “THERE HE IS, LADIES. THAT’S THE SON OF A BITCH WHO’S TRYING TO STEAL YOUR TITS!” And then Haku threw the flag from the 14th green at him like a JAVELIN, and hits him bulls-eye, right in the chest. Missed all his major organs though, thank the Lord.

funk

He once franchised a Jack in Box in Peducah, KY while sleepwalking!

regal

On five occasions, he’s played Russian Roulette with an M20 bazooka and won!

harley

He gets handjobs at the Atlanta Gold Club, and he makes the girls wear a Nintendo Power Glove!

finlay

To Haku!

drunks

TO HAKU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

funk

There was this one time Haku and I went sight-seeing in Tokyo–

finlay

I think I caught the syph from a nun!

trio1

……………………………

funk

So anyway, I’m sight-seeing with Haku in Tokyo. And you know he’s a big piece of real estate, about 8 foot 2, 700 lbs, and as wide as he is vast. And he challenges me to a rickshaw race! I said, there’s no men who’ll pull us for the purposes of a race! And that Tongan bastard pulls two kitana blades out of that afro of his and says, WANNA BET?!?! So we force six poor workers at blade-point to play our game, and we chooses teams like a shirts and skins game. So we take off down Takeshita Street, with these six souls running as fast as their bodies can allow. I have the drop on Haku, and then he leans over in his carriage, bumping mine, and it diverted my runners into an open manhole, where they all died on impact! I hate to lose, but I proudly handed over the 25 cents wagered, because a bet’s a bet!

regal

Heh. what a crazy mother f–ker, that Haku!

finlay

You know, his wedding song was “Psycho Killer”!

harley

An image of a scowling Haku on any jumbotron can quell any soccer riot!

regal

The leather skirt Kanye West wore at the 12.12.12 concert? Kanye bought it that morning from Haku’s farm, minutes after Haku murdered Henry Winkler for trespassing.

funk

He took the brown acid at Woodstock, and felt fine. Remember that one night where Ravi Shankar played through the rain? That was Haku projectile pissing at him.

finlay

He bought the Elephant Man’s bones from Michael Jackson, and uses the ribcage as a washboard!

funk

TO HAKU!!!!

drunks

TO HAKU!!!!!!!!!!

ron

Hey, are you crazy f–ks talking ’bout Haku?

harley

We certainly ARE!

ron

I KNOW HAKU! He told me how to teach my dog to use the toilet, and how to teach the cat to be my designated driver!

regal

I WANNA BUY YOU A DRINK!

harley

Hey, remember the time Haku was thought to have died?

funk

I was bangin’ the midwife while my daughter was being delivered!

trio1

…………………………………

harley

Right, so anyway, Haku didn’t show up for WWF Challenge, and they checked his hotel room. Sure enough, he’s dead as a doornail on the floor. Or so we thought!

regal

*something unintelligible*

harley

Right, so anyway, he’s transported to the morgue, and we’re debating whether or not to go on that night. We’re huddled in the locker room, the manliest men you’ve ever seen shedding tears. Then there’s a phone call at the arena, because we didn’t have those limp-wristy cell phones then. Vince takes the call….and it’s Haku, calling from the morgue! The son of a bitch was laying naked on the concrete slab, having stopped his heartbeat long enough to pretend to be dead, so he could sneak in and steal some embalming fluid, so he and Andre could have the drinking contest to end all drinking contests! This crazy motherless f–k comes back to the arena dressed in a bodybag that he cut two holes in for legs, and he and Andre begin chugging embalming fluid in front of all the boys! After it was ruled a draw, Haku went out for a dark match and ripped Mario Mancini’s nipple off. Highlight of the night, HANDS DOWN.

funk

The man’s farts could peel a potato!

regal

He taught Evan Karagias how to perform cunnilingus using the coin slot of a gumball machine!

finlay

He and I went as the Menendez Brothers for Halloween one year!

funk

His bush hair is so vast, the lice can’t get decent WiFi!

harley

TO HAKU!!!!!!!

drunks

TO HAKU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haku

HEY!!!!! THOU SHALT NOT SPEAK HAKU’S NAME, LEST YE PLAN TO BUY HIM A ROUND!!!!

TO HAKU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Thanks to Catherine Perez for the amazing photoshop work. Dialogue was written by me, so if something offended you, kindly send me something I can ignore here)

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
25 Responses to "To Haku!"
  1. 2AndAHalfMeng says:

    TO HAKU!

  2. Autrach sejanoz says:

    Every time I think you can’t possibly outdo yourself, you go & do it. You’re the Haku of wrestling writers.

  3. carl zayas says:

    Kudos….just kudos, especially for reaching back like that! I haven’t heard about that skit for years!

  4. JRG79 says:

    Haku is currently ranked #2 in the A.P. Poll. He can also blow bubbles with beef jerky.

    TO HAKU!!!!

  5. BigDaddyDave says:

    It was funny, but I gotta say that the ones you do about the creative team’s meetings are better.

  6. Sean Bateman says:

    To Haku, The meanest sumbitch that hailed from Tonga

  7. Big wiggle says:

    His wedding song was physco killer haha that did it for me

  8. Stephen says:

    Guys, I come to Wrestlecrap to read comedy. Not seriousness. This is an expertly-written piece of non-fiction.

  9. Joseph S. Hasan says:

    Great casting. My favorite thing may be Harley’s opening line.

  10. Sir Thomas says:

    Monsters check under their bed and in their closets every night for Haku.

  11. Bill "Wild Legend" Davis says:

    Haku got ticked during a match when the ring rope broke, so he tied Earl Hebner’s left ankle around one turnbuckle and his right ankle around the other, then spotted Tully Blanchard to deliver him a slingshot suplex off Hebner’s nuts.

    TO HAKU!!!

  12. drunkemaster says:

    When Haku goes to the beach, if he gets his pants off and looks at the horizon, he can see his butt.

    To Haku!

  13. Brad Holtman says:

    Once while wrestling in Florida for WCW, Haku was so over as a heel he caused a full scale riot. He had to fight off everyone in his path to escape, creating a devastating wave of destruction miles wide. In order to avoid charges, Haku forced the entire media to blame it on the ficticious “Hurricane Andrew.”

    TO HAKU!!

  14. Mister Forth says:

    Greatest use of the most underrated sketch ever.

  15. hobu0 says:

    Fantastic. You are all fantastic….

  16. Lee W says:

    I wonder of the many times these guys were hit with weapons, how often was the weapon in question an ugly stick?

  17. Gregg Mather says:

    This makes me so happy. Haku is a son of a bitch.

  18. Alan says:

    Gouging out the eyeball of Jimmy Jack Funk was enough for me to say “To Haku”. Also to note, Harley Race wrestled King Haku for the “King’s Crown” title at Royal Rumble 1989, which was not only Harley’s final WWF match, but also the match was curiously edited off of the Coliseum Video release.

  19. The Gold Standard says:

    I think this guy might be close….CLOSE to being at tough as Haku

    http://www.jibjab.com/originals/weird_al_cnr

  20. Brad Essex says:

    I once saw haku wrestled a bear and he beat him and then shaved him and now he’s known as tensai. To haku

  21. AdamX says:

    Beautiful.

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