 |
 |
 |
  |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Ever wonder what all we've considered Crap over the years? Here's the list!
WWF/WWE
Crap:
1995 King of the Ring Magazine Special: You probably didn't know that Shawn Michaels was of royal descent, or that Mabel's great great great great great great great grandpappy rapped for King Arthur. And you were probably a lot happier for that.
Adam
Bomb: Following a nuclear meldown, mild mannered Bryan Clark becomes
the Creation of Devastation!
"Adorable"
Adrian Adonis: Talented tough guy Adonis gets on Vince's bad side
and is forced to prance about in women's clothing.
Akeem: Chicago tough One Man Gang becomes a black man
in the Slickster's parking lot voodoo ceremony.
Aldo
Montoya: The Portugese Man o' War who, for some unknown reason,
wore a bright yellow jockstrap on his head.
Al Wilson: Elderly man marries smoking hot Dawn Mrie, whose sole goal is to lure Torrie Wilson to bed. Then she proceeds to kill the guy on their honeymoon by sexing him to death. But not before they get married in the nude. Is there any question why this won the 2003 Gooker Award?
Ted
Arcidi: World' Strongest Man who moved with all the speed of a
tectonic plate.
The
Barbershop: Brutus Beefcake is given a talk show for no good reason
(well, except for that fact that he's Hulk Hogan's best friend).
Rob
Bartlett: Unfunny funny man who did commentary during the early
days of Monday Night Raw.
BattleKat:
Break out the kitty litter for the WWF's wrestling feline.
Battlemania:
WWF comic book featuring Ted DiBiase doing a Scrooge McDuck cannonball
into his vault and Undertaker getting a visit from the neighborhood
Welcome Wagon.
Beaver
Cleavage: A hyper sexual take on the TV classic Leave it To Beaver.
Well, someone thought it was a good idea. (Not me.)
Berserker:
John Nord puts on wacky viking helmet and swings a sword at his
enemies.
Bertha
Faye: Talented woman's grappler Rhonda Singh is stuffed in a pair
of fishnet stockings and becomes the queen of the trailer park.
Big
Show's Dad Dies: The Big Bossman ruins the Big Show's daddy's
funeral by stealing his casket. You can't get much more evil than
that.
Bikini
Blast-Off: All the top WWF superstars sunbathe indoor as wrestling
plumber TL Hopper investigates what appears to be a turd at the
bottom of the pool.
Billionaire
Ted Skits: As WCW Nitro began to pull away in the Monday Night Wars,
Vince countered by making fun of TBS owner Ted Turner in a series
of increasingly tasteless skits.
Billy
& Chuck Wedding: Weddings are always big ratings draws - just
imagine how huge a GAY wedding could be!
Buddy
Rose Blowaway Diet: Playboy Buddy Rose loses weight the old fashioned
way: by dumping laundry detergent on himself and turning on a
fan.
Blu
Twins: The Harris twins in the third of 713 failed personas.
Bastion
Booger: Mike Shaw is crammed inside a dingy gray singlet and told
to belch, fart, and eat stuff from a garbage can.
Ludvig
Borga: Evil Finn who hated America because of the pollution. Shouldn't
that have made him a babyface?
Big
Bully Busick: Straight out of the 1890's comes Big Bully Busick,
complete with handlebar moustache accessory.
Chaz,
Woman Beater: Getting rid of the Beaver Cleavage character was a
good idea. Doing a domestic violence angle wasn't.
Chyna
and Sable Comic Books: If you thought they were annoying in real
life, just imagine these two egomaniacal bimbos in comic book form.
Cloudy
(or Kloudi): After being dumped by Sunny, the Bodydonnas introduce
their new cross-dressing manager - Cloudy.
Get it?
The
Coach: Former legend John Tolos blows a whistle incessantly to the
annoyance of everyone. Jeez,
they should have just brought in Bill Alfonzo.
Damien
Demento: He's not just crazy, he's demented! But don't feel bad
- these days, he hosts a KID'S SHOW!
Dean
Douglas: Shane Douglas becomes Dr. Noah Tall and experiences the
full wrath of the Clique.
Dink
the Clown: Doink's friendly Mini Me.
Please note that the original evil Doink was an AWESOME
character, and would never be inducted into WrestleCrap, but once
he was made a good guy and given a half-sized clone, it was all
over.
Divas
Undressed: You'd think there would be no way to screw up a beauty
contest with WWE's hottest ladies. And you think wrong, as Mae Yong
and Rico crash the party wearing bikinis.
Doink
Survivor Series Curse: Doinks on a Mission, DoinkWackers, and no
less than six midgets take over the Thanksgiving Night Tradition.
Double
J: A controversial induction, but think about it: an aspiring singer
(Jeff Jarrett) is going to use the WWF to take over Nashville. Just
trying to decipher that logic makes my head hurt.
The
Dragon: Ricky Steamboat hits the WWF after countless ****+ matches
in WCW, and the announcers are told to act like they have no idea
who he is. Oh, and he now breathes fire. Whatthehellever.
Duke
"The Dumpster" Droese: Fan friendly garbage man from
Mt. Trashmore. Next!
Thrill Vomit
as WWE exploits one of their greatest performers ever!
El
Matador: Veteran Tito Santana is getting boring, so he is sent to
Mexico to train to fight bulls. This will help him in the wrestling
ring, since the two sports are so similar. Or something.
The
Patterson-Brisco Evening Gown Match: Couldn't these two have done
this in their hotel room instead of on a PPV that people paid to
see?
Fake
Diesel and Razon Ramon: Glen Jacobs and Rick Bogner are given the
unenviable task of duplicating Kevin Nash & Scott Hall's personas.
Farooq
Asad: A pre-APA Ron Simmons wears a powder blue Nerf gladiator helmet
to the ring.
Fatu:
Sadly, I would rather watch Rikishi venture to the hoods warning
kids to stay off of drugs than shove his ass in other guys' faces.
Freddy
Joe Floyd: Tracey Smothers gets his shot at WWF glory as a do-gooding
country bumpkin.
Frenchy
Martin: Evil monocle-wearing French Canadian whose motto was that
"USA is Not OK!"
Friar
Feguson: Mike Shaw's first WWF gimmick was that of a holy water
splashing monk. Sadly, it was better than being a guy that ate his
own snot.
The
Gang Warz: Puerto Ricans, blacks, and white redneck bikers beat
the crap out of each other to the delight of no one.
Gene
Okerlund Wrestles!: Mean
Gene and the Hulkster team up to tangle with Mr. Fuji and George
Steele. That in itself would have been bad enough, but
the quasi-homosexual training sessions were even worse.
The
Genius: Everyone says Vince McMahon is a genius, but the Crappers
know that it's really Lanny Poffo who is the World's Smartest Man.
The
Godwinns: Henry O. Godwinn (HOG) and Phinneaous I. Godwinn (PIG),
evil hog farmers. Shoot me
now.
Giant
Gonzalez: The world's worst wrestler, El Gigante, now designed to
look like Bigfoot.
Gobbeldy
Gooker: The most popular request at WrestleCrap, and with good reason:
a turkey man hatches from an egg that has been carted to WWF events
for months. Quite possibly the worst payoff to an angle
in the history of pro wrestling.
The
Goon: Evil hockey player, complete with boots that are designed
to resemble ice skates.
Hacksaw
Jim Duggan Video: Hacksaw versus Dino Bravo! Hacksaw versus Andre!
It'll be You Versus Brain Damage if you dare watch this tape!
Hawk
Commits Suicide: Road Warrior Hawk becomes a drug addict thanks
to LOD newcomer Puke. Hawk
decides that life just ain't worth living and climbs the Titantron
to throw himself off. Yikes.
HHH
vs. Ultimate Warrior: The match the Game would like you to forget
ended with him getting creamed by the Warrior in under 2 minutes. And people wonder why poor HHH is so protective
of his spot.
Hulk
Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling: Cartoon show starring Hogan, Roddy Piper,
Iron Shiek, and countless other stars of the mid 80's WWF. Proof that anyone could get a cartoon in the mid 80's.
The InVasion: The war that fans longed for 20 years finally happens, as WCW invades the WWF - and gets totallyobliterated. The so-called "lost" Gooker 2001 winner, and one of the very few inductions that actually made RD angry! Tons more on this one in the upcoming Death of WCW book.
Irwin
R. Schyster (IRS): Controversial induction as Mike Rotundo was awesome
in his role as an evil tax accountant.
Still, that I just typed the words "evil tax accountant"
should give you an idea of why this is here.
Jameson:
Nerds are funny, especially ones who ejaculate into couch pillows. Ewww...
Jean
Pierre Lafitte: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me. Quebecer Carl Oulette isn't a mountie, but rather an evil swashbuckler
intent on stealing Bret Hart's bounty. Arrr, matey!
Dusty
Rhodes, the WWF Years: An NWA legend becomes Vince McMahon's human
joke butt. Gotta love those polka dots!
Dog
Poo Match: The object of this encounter was to throw your opponent
in a big pile of dog feces. WrestleCrap, quite literally!
Jimmy
Jack Funk: The long lost Funk brother who wore a Lone Ranger mask
and rang a cowbell. No wonder
Terry left the company so damn quick.
Justin
Hawk Bradshaw: Yet another stupid cowboy gimmick, this time with
the APA's Bradshaw wearing the chaps.
The
Jynx Brothers: You may not know this, but before they became famous,
Matt and Jeff Hardy were jobbers dressed like Japanese puppets.
Yep.
Katie
Vick: Just what pro wrestling needed: NECROPHILIA! Winner of the 2002 Gooker Award.
The
Kings of the WWF: From Harley Race to Mabel, the WWF crown was
basically a makeshift title that meant nothing, and was feuded
over by those without anything better to do.
Knuckleball
Schawarz: Evil baseball player who longtime fans will recognize
as Steve Lombardi, the Brooklyn Brawler.
Kwang
the Ninja: Vile ninja...direct from Puerto Rico?
Lex
Express: How do you get your
new number one babyface over? You
stick him on a bus and send him all over the country!
Lo
Down: Beaver Cleavage and D-Lo Brown put on turbans and are led
to the ring by the human heat vacuum, Tiger Ali Singh.
Not that this was racist at all.
The
Lost Hillbilly Jim Tape: Footage of our favorite Mudlickian wrestling
his coon dog as granny drinks moonshine in the background.
The
Machines: Andre the Giant puts on a hood and becomes the Giant Machine,
and no one can figure out who he is.
And um...yeah.
Mae
Young: Role model to horny seniors the world over, Mae strips naked
and gives birth to a hand. As
hilarious as it sounds (which is to say not at all).
Mantaur:
Half man, half bull - all crap.
Matilda:
Let's see...we have two of the greatest technical wrestlers on the
planet. How can we ruin them? I know - let's give them a dog to
walk to the ring, and then have the dog stolen!
Max
Moon: Spaceman from the outer reaches of Uranus, complete with
jetpack accessory.
Meat: Sex slave for the Pretty Mean Sisters who once wrestled
with a boner. Seriously.
Charlie
Minn: Stereotypical asian announcer from the mid 90's WWF. Hmmm...perhaps he should sue Funaki for stealing
his gimmick.
The
Model: Rick Martel not only carried around a giant atomizer, but
he also wore fancy clothes and a large button that read, "I
AM A MODEL" just in case someone didn't pick up on the subtlety
of his gimmick.
good
bad story.
Men
on a Mission: Rappin' fool trio that made life a living hell for
anyone who had ears within a ten mile radius of WWF events.
Mr.
Run In: Following a parasailing accident that left his face in pieces,
Ed Leslie returned to jump heels from behind for about two weeks. Also known as Mariner and Hair Face, despite
the fact that he had nothing resembling a pelt anywhere near his
noggin.
Muffy:
Nipple H's personal trainer, who was shown the door after someone
figured out that if Nips needed a personal trainer, that meant at
some point she was, you know, FAT. You can't write comedy like that.
Nailz:
Convict who was allegedly beat in prison by Big Bossman, and who
also allegedly pummeled Vince McMahon behind the scenes.
Naked
Mideon: Just what the world was waiting for: a nude male wrestler!
"The Natural" Butch Reed: Black man who dyed his hair blonde. Get it? He's NOT really Natural at all! Oh, the IRONY!
Needles
the Tailor: A whiny little man teaches us the fine art of tailory
as he jabs guys with a needle. There's a joke to be made there,
but the Wellness Policy forbids us from making it.
New
Midnight Express: Jim Cornette's flagship team is pissed upon by
a bitter Vince Russo in an angle that no one save Russo, Cornette,
and their immediate families would understand.
New
Rockers: Marty Janetty gets a new partner in the form of teen idol
Leif Cassidy. Poor Al Snow just never catches a break.
The
Oddities: Sideshow freaks lead to the ring by the Insane Clown Posse. Giant Silva actually became only the world's
second worst wrestler, thanks largely to John Tenta's best efforts.
Oktoberfest:
Seasonal shenanigans as the Bushwackers cut the cheese (literally)
with Gene Okerlund and Lanny Poffo is introduced as the world's
foremost expert on stuffing sausage.
Outback
Jack: Friendly Aussie that hung out with aboriginies and drank beer
with cows. Hyped for nearly
six months before finally making his first WWF appearance; disappeared
approximately 1.3 seconds later.
Papa
Shango: Voodoo master who hexed Gene Okerlund and caused Ultimate
Warrior to vomit on WWF TV.
Phantasio:
Magician wrestler whose finisher was to remove his opponent's underwear. Seriously.
Piledriver:
The Wrestling Album 2: Sometimes love feels like an ar-gew-ment,
it feels just like a piledriver.
If Koko B. Ware says it, it must be true.
The
Pillman-Austin Gun Angle: Steve Austin breaks into Brian Pillman's
house, causing the Loose Cannon to fire shots and announcer Kevinn
Kelly to piss his pants.
Sparky
Plugg: Friendly Nascar driver Sparky Thurman Plugg (STP, how clever)
races his way into our hearts, but crashes into wall three on
the way there.
The Polish Sausage Festival: Ivan Putski yanks weinerschnitzel
off a plastic tree as a crazy old woman dances around in an attempt
to lure Lord Alfred into bed.
Quakeburgers!:
Nefarious Earthquake squashes Jake Roberts pet snake and makes a
sandwich of him as Lord Alfred Hayes throws up.
As fun as it sounds.
The Raw Bowl: Wacky football style bout in which the goal was to...I
don't even remember. But it sucked.
The
Real Double J: Jessee Jammes croons to the ring after Jeff Jarrett
is proved to be a phony the level of Milli Vanilli.
Real
Man's Man: Steven Regal is all man and nothing but man as he chops
wood and squeezes oranges to make juice.
"Rebel"
Dick Slater: Yee haw! We love that Rebel Redneck Song - Hit it,
Mr. Fuji!
Reo
Rogers: Bruce Prichard (Brother Love) doing a horrible Dusty Rhodes
rip off that lasted about three weeks.
MAN did Vince hate Dusty.
Repo
Man: Barry Darsow is back once again, this time as the Repo Man,
a thief in the night who made you pay, and pay dearly, for getting
in your car payment late.
Ringmaster:
Steve Austin's first WWF gimmick wasn't quite as successful as his
second...
Rhythm
& Blues: Greg Valentine attempts to duplicate Honky Tonk Mania
and falls short.
Rocco:
In the early 90's, the Legion of Doom was stuck in a rut. Thankfully, Vince had the cure: a wooden puppet
named Rocco!
Rockabilly:
Further proof that Billy Gunn has always sucked.
Rocky
Maivia, the Blue Chipper: "You can't smile enough!"
is what Duane Johnson was told as he entered the WWF as a babyface.
Signs reading "Die Rocky Die" seem to indicate
that this statement was false.
The
Red Rooster: Terry Taylor sees his career flushed down the drain
as he portrays a chicken, complete with spiky red hair and cock-a-doodle-doo
entrance theme.
Saba
Simba: A down on his luck Tony Atlas is given a job by the WWF
in which he portrays an African warrior, complete with spear. Fortunately, the watermelon was nixed at the last second.
Salvatore
Sincere: Yet another ethnic stereotype invades WWF rings, this time
as Sal Sincere teaches us all the true meaning of irony. See, kids, he's not really sincere at all!
Sammy:
Mark Henry attempts to satiate his unquenchable sexual desires with
Sammy, whom he finds has...wait for it...a PENIS!
Family fun for all!
Septic
Sludge: WWE toy accessory. Not
only is it slime, but it smells like stuff: burnt rubber, stale
water, and dead fish. I so
wish I was making this up.
William
Shatner, Pro Wrestler: Yes, believe it or not Captain Kirk actually
got in the ring and took on WWF stars like Jerry Lawler and Road
Dogg. Ah well, at least he didn't sing.
Sisters
of Love: Before they were the Headbangers, Mosh and Thrasher dressed
as nuns under the tutelage of Brother Love.
Luckily for the boys, this didn't last long. Unluckily, one would later become Beaver Cleavage.
Slammys
(1985): Hilarity abounds as Mean Gene breaks kayfabe and Vince tells
Gorilla that his fly is open.
Slammys
(1987): Hacksaw Duggan and King Harley Race fight for 27 straight
hours, while Vince McMahon sings and dances (!!) for your enjoyment!
Skinner:
The Alligator Man! Jerry Reed would be so proud.
The
Snake Pit: Yet another Piper's Pit copy, this time featuring Jake
Roberts.
The
Stalker: Barry Windham invades the WWF wearing camouflage. Not sure how that was supposed to help him blend
into a wrestling ring, but hey, if Li'l Blackjack thinks it will,
more power to him.
The
Sultan: Yet another failed persona for the man who would become
Rikishi. This time everyone's favorite fat Samoan wears a big Hershey's
Kiss on his head.
Sunny's
Sex Video: You'd think anything starring Tammy Sytch, who was smoking
hot back in her WWF days, couldn't be all bad.
But then her bedmate is revealed: Fondle Me Elmo!
T&A:
Test and Albert. How Trish Stratus survived this I will never, ever
know.
TL
Hopper: Evil wrestling plumber.
I'd write more, but just putting "evil wrestling plumber"
should be all the explanation you need.
Turncoat Sargent Slaughter: America's favorite hero turns his
back on all of us, then asks us to forgive him. Sorry, Sarge,
you ain't getting this country back.
TNT
Show: Tuesday Night Titans (TNT) was the WWF's answer to the Sonny
& Cher variety hour, as superstars danced, told jokes, and basically
made asses of themselves.
Todd
Pettengill: Worthless announcer who knew nothing about wrestling
but a whole hell of a lot about being annoying.
Tugboat:
Toot toot! That was either
supposed to be a boat whistle, or he has gas.
Undertaker
Resurrection: During a casket match at Royal Rumble 94, the evil
Yokozuna stuffs the Undertaker in a coffin with the help of 43 men. He would later be reborn, however, and float
up to heaven in a scene that everyone watching would like to forget.
Undertaker
vs. Underfaker: Stupid twin angle in which Ted DiBiase brought in
a phony Undertaker to combat the real one.
Fans reacted so violently that the program was scrapped after
one match.
The
Val Venis Castration: Evil Wally Yamaguchi decides to deal with
his wife's infidelity the old fashioned way: by chopping off the
weiner of her porn star boyfriend!
Warlord:
Musclebound oaf whose only redeeming quality was a metallic wand
he carried to the ring.
The
Ultimate Warrior-Jake Roberts Training Session: The Snake teaches
our hero how to be evil by burying him up to his ears in dirt.
The
World Bodybuilding Federation: Vince McMahon's first real attempt
to branch out beyond the wrestling ring ends miserably as wrestling
fans don't want to watch bodybuilders, even if they do act like
wrestlers.
Well
Dunn: Timothy Well and Steven Dunn are proof positive that bow ties
and thongs do not match.
Who:
The Vince McMahon Players try to revive a 40 year-old Abbot and
Costello bit by putting poor Jim Neidhart under a mask.
WrestleMania:
The Album: Musical mess
that features Bret Hart singing a love song while Randy Savage
begins his rapping career by reciting the order of the solar system.
WrestleMania:
The Video Game Video: More fun with Bret, who this time programs
videogames by driving a forklift while wearing a tie.
I'd try to explain, but I think I'd just wind up getting
dizzy and passing out.
WWF
Bleeps, Bloopers, and Blunders: Supposedly a tape featuring all
kinds of wacky, zany behind the scenes WWF hilarity, yet all I can
remember about it was a spread eagle shot of Hillbilly Jim. Very
disturbing.
Worst
WWF Games of All Time!:
Special three part induction in which I documented the worst WWF
games ever made: WWF Betrayal, WWF Wrestlemania on the NES, and
WWE Crush Hour. Did I mentioned these all sucked?
WWF Valentines: What better way to say I love you than with Road
Dogg smeared on newsprint?
Xanta
Klaus: Santa's evil twin brother who steals presents from good children
every December 25. Did I
mention he lived at the South Pole?
The WWF did.
The XFL: : Vince's much maligned football league was a good idea on paper, but in practice turned out to be the biggest bust ever on network TV.
Isaac
Yankem, DDS: Wrestling dentist with bad teeth. Need I say more?
Zeus:
Hogan's co-star in No Holds Barred, who thought the film was real
and was pissed that he lost in the climax of the movie. Don't ask me Ð someone thought this was a good idea.
WCW
Crap:
That
70's Guy: Bedecked in a leisure suit, gold chains, and feathered
back hair, Awesome looked as though he had just hopped off the dance
floor with Tony Manero.
American
Males: As if Marcus Bagwell and Scotty Riggs as Chippendales weren't
bad enough, they had the worst song in the history of man for their
entrance music.
Guardian
Angel: Big Bossman defects to WCW, but he can't use that name, since
the WWF holds the copyright. After
several "that's still too close" names, he joins the Guardian
Angels and is the upholder of truth and justice - for about a week.
Arachniman:
Brad Armstrong puts on his Spiderman underoos to become a crime
fighter from Web City.
David
Arquette, WCW Champion: Vince Russo's idea was to garner mainstream
pub by putting the company's top belt on the 1-800-Collect guy. It worked so well that WCW went out of business less than a year
later.
Asya:
Did the world really need a Chyna clone? WCW certainly thought so...
Backstage
Assault: Horrible WCW videogame that featured all the top stars
of the company and no ring whatsoever.
Judy Bagwell: WCW tag team champion and role model to annoying loudmouths
the world over. Who knew that Buff would wind up as only the SECOND
MOST hated wrestler in his family?
Beach
Blast 93: One of the unholy trinity of mini-movie driven PPVs in
1992-1993, this one featured Sid Vicious in flip flops, orphans
playing volleyball with Sting and Davey Boy Smith, and Cheatum the
one eyed evil midget blowing up a boat while wearing a shark fin.
Quite possibly RD's favorite induction of all time.
Big
Josh: A pre-Doink Matt Borne is a lumberjack escorted to the ring
by dancing bears.
Black
Blood: Masked jobber (Billy Jack Haynes) who came to the ring with
a hatchet. This lasted about
a month.
Black
Scorpion: Evil wrestling magician who tortured Sting with mystical
magic powers, like the ability to turn a man into a tiger. It was all worth it for his final appearance, however, when he landed
in a space ship. On a scale
of 1-10, with 10 being the ultimate in stupidity, this scores 178.
Booty
Man: Possibly Ed Leslie's most revolting gimmick, as he shook his
fanny at women who were paid to swoon.
Yikes.
Buzzkill:
Road Dogg's brother is told to "get a personality" and
start acting exactly like his more famous sibling.
The Catch as Catch Can Match: Dean Malenko takes on Kidman in a
match in which you lose if you hit the floor. Unfortantely, Dean
forgets, and the match ends 90 seconds in. Whoops!
Captain
Mike: Captain Mike Rotundo (or Rotunda, depending on the day) leaves
the Varsity Club but keeps his name, with explanation being that
he is no longer the captain of a wrestling team but rather the captain
of a boat. What?
Chamber
of Horror: Bizarre cage match in which the competitors tried to
electrocute their opponents in the CHAIR OF TORTURE.
Chucky:
The Child's Play puppet wins a debate with Rick Steiner. Is that so hard to believe?
David
Crockett: "Look at him, Tony!
Look at him! He's
a bald...headed...geek."
The
Desperados: Dutch Mantell, Black Bart, and Dead Eye Dick go looking
for Stan Hansen in a series of idiotic clips set in the Old West.
They never find Hansen - or a wrestling ring,
for that matter.
The
Ding Dongs: Unable to convince booker Ole Anderson that wrestling
hunchbacks will get over, Jim Herd gets the go ahead to have a tag
team that rings a bell - for the entire length of their matches!
Dunegon of Doom: Kevin Sullivan's assembly of misfits included the
likes of Zodiac, the Leprechaun, Shark, The Yeti, and countless
others. Almost like a roll call of WrestleCrap.
Doomsday
Cage Match: Triple Decker Cage handicap match with Hogan and Savage
versus eight men. And Ric
Flair still does the job.
The
Dynamic Dudes: Shane Douglas and Johnny Ace are cool surfer dudes
who everyone hates.
El
Gigante: Jorge Gonzalez proves he is quite possibly the worst grappler
of all time as Argentina's tin foil wearing pro wrestling representative.
Evad
Sullivan: I'm not sure which is dumber: the idea of a dyslexic wrestler
that insults everyone who has that affliction by being an idiot
or the thought that he wants to be Hulk Hogan.
Finger
Poke Title Change: Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan swerve everyone by
swapping the WCW title in a bogus match that infuriated everyone
who saw it. One of the top five causes of WCW's downfall.
Gary
Spivey: Pro wrestling psychic who apparently garnered his super
powers by attaching a giant brillo pad to his head.
Find out more right here.
GI
Bro: Booker T was just hitting his stride in WCW when he reverted
to his first persona in the business, a lame ass military gimmick.
Graveyard
Match: The KISS Demon and Vampiro battle through the darkness of
a cemetery, hitting each other with tree branches and plaster tombstones.
Halloween
Havoc Hoax: Sid pins Sting for the WCW belt, only to discover that
Sting has put on 40 pounds and 4 inches and isn't really Sting after
all.
"Hole
in One" Barry Darsow: Evil golfer who was originally scheduled
to work under the name "Stewart Pain."
A double bogey for sure.
Glaicer:
Perhaps the greatest build up WCW ever did, all for a character
that really, really sucked the meat missle. Maybe if he'd have come
out to the old "Freeze Mizer" song...
Jimmy
Graffiti: Formerly known as one half of the Heavenly Bodies, Jimmy
Del Ray entered WCW and began spray painting everything in site
Ð a year before the n.W.o. stole his gimmick!
Johnny
B. Badd: Marc Mero gets tuity fruity and emulates rock legend Little
Richard as close as humanly possible.
The
Juicer: Art Barr in his ghoulish recreation of Beetlejuice.
Junkyard
Match: Almost every participant of this 20 man hardcore match was
legitimately injured. The
saddest part? The match still sucked ass.
King
of the Road Match: A battle like no other Ð Blacktop Bully and Dustin
Rhodes duke it out in the back of a moving semi, as day turns to
night and night turns to day. Shockingly,
this was the first and last match of its type.
KISS
Demon: According to his biography, Kiss and Make Up, Gene Simmons
landed a fatty contract from WCW to create a wrestler based on
the band. Despite shelling out all that money, WCW never pushed
the guy. You know, WCW should have just put all the money
in a big metal barrel and burned it in the ring. Or better yet,
given it to me.
Jay
Leno, Pro Wrestler: Yes, THAT Jay Leno, who teamed with DDP to put
the hurting on Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff in one of the worst
matches of all time.
The
Leprechaun: Evil imp who was searching for a pot of gold at the
end of the WCW rainbow.
Loch
Ness: A member of the infamous Dungeon of Doom, the big man known
in the UK as Giant Haystacks was brought in long past the time he
even remembered what the term "mobile" meant.
Lost
in Cleveland: Cactus Jack loses his memory (or was that his dignity)
in this series of idiotic sketches.
Highlight is Jack, who thinks he's a sailor, making poor
Jenny's bike seaworthy so she can run her paper route.
The
Mark Madden-Gene Okerlund Feud: Just what the world was waiting
for Ð the return of Gene Okerlund to the ring.
And this time he's bringing Mark Madden with him.
Steve
McMichael: "This place is apropos, and that don't mean you're
digging around the dirt with farm implements, baby!"
Yeah, what he said.
The
Midnight Rider: Hmmm...fat, blonde hair, splotch. No, I have no idea who that could be.
Monster
Truck Sumo Match: Grueling Greco-Roman technical encounter featuring
colossal monster trucks battling atop Joe Louis Arena. End came when Hogan knocked his adversary, the Giant, off the roof.
Don't worry, he came back in time for the main event of the
evening.
Mr.
JL: Talented Jerry Lynn is thrown under a mask and given the clever
nickname of "Mr. JL" by the WCW braintrust.
The
New Breed: Time travelers from the year 2002, when Dusty Rhodes
it the president of the USA. Thank
God THAT didn't happen.
Norman
the Lunatic: Mike Shaw as an escapee from a mental institution. How sad is it when that's your BEST role?
Nuthouse
Ric Flair:
Yes, someone had the bright idea to take WCW's top draw and make
him an patient at a mental institute. And get this - it WASN'T Vince
Russo!
nWo
Nitro: Ever wanted to see how the set of a wrestling show is built?
Then this is the show for you! Thrill to Buff Bagwell yelling at
the ring crew! Gasp as Scott Norton spends ten minutes trying to
knock over the WCW sign with a sledge hammer! And warm your heart
as Eric Bischoff sings CHRISTMAS CAROLS! It doesn't get much more
bizarre than this!
Oklahoma:
Upon entering WCW, Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara's first order of business
is not turning the promotion around but rather ridiculing their
former boss Jim Ross in an angle that maybe 5 people on the planet
got.
Oz:
Kevin Nash was the great and powerful wizard, who came to the ring
with the Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, and a trained monkey.
Yes, a trained monkey.
The
Patriots: Firebreaker Chip and Todd Champion as a worthless tag
team hailing from the greatest town ever: WCW SPECIAL FORCES.
PN
News: Rapping fatman who bebopped to the ring with no less stars
than Salt n' Pepa.
Ready
to Rumble: Just what the world was waiting for: a WCW movie starring
David Arquette as a septic truck driver.
Watch for Gene Okerlund hitting on Jimmy King, and a rare
cameo by Scott Farkus of A Christmas Story.
The
Renegade: Hulk Hogan's Ultimate Surprise winds up being the biggest
knock off this side of Mr. Pibb.
Robocop:
The Future of Law Enforcement clanks down to the ring to save Sting
from the clutches of the evil Four Horsemen.
Dennis
Rodman, Pro Wrestler: The Worm takes to the squared circle and the
results are exactly what you'd expect: disasterous.
Shark: Our old pal John Tenta did his best, but even
his threats of biting all the little Hulksters didn't save this
gimmick from a one-way ticket to Davy Jones' locker.
Shockmaster:
Speaking of Tenta, here's his buddy Typhoon (Tugboat), who burst
through a wall and into our hearts.
Bad luck or no, one of the worst entrances ever.
Skins
Match: No, not a golf tourney, but rather a toughman showdown between
Tank Abbott and former biker buddy Big Al.
Highlight of the match is Tank putting a knife to Tank's
throat and threatening to "f***ing kill" poor Al.
Slam
Jam: Taking a page out of the WWF's book, WCW releases a musical
CD that is chockfull of crap, including a song in which the words
"fun" and "Windham" are somehow rhymed.
Spin
the Wheel, Make the Deal: Jake Roberts takes on Sting in a seedy
bar with the seediest patron of all: Cheatum the evil one-eyed midget.
Part Two of the Unholy Trinity.
The
Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea: Lame ass jobber Prince Iaukea
is reborn as the purple one himself...and still sucks.
Trucker
Norm: Mike Shaw in failed gimmick 413, this time portraying a fun
loving big rig driver.
Van
Hammer: Heavy metal superstar who couldn't play the guitar. Ummm...
Viagra
on a Pole Match: Booked by Vince Russo.
What, you're surprised?
Ultimate
Warrior, the WCW Years: In a quest to stop the ratings slide, Eric
Bischoff brings in the Warrior.
Unfortunately, Warrior apparently believes he is the second
coming of Batman, urging viewers to "tune in next week, same
Warrior time, same Warrior channel!"
WCW,
The Comic: Laughably bad Marvel Comic starring Sting, Johnny B.
Badd, and the other top stars of WCW in the early 90's.
WCW
Readers: Presumably, readers are books designed to encourage kids
to read. I'm thinking any child who had the misfortune of reading
these will probably make a vow of illiteracy.
White
Castle of Fear: Vader invites Stinger to come to a party at his
White Castle of Fear. Inexplicably, no tiny hamburgers are present. Part three of the WCW Unholy Trinity.
The
Yeti: Mummy who emerged from a block of ice to dry hump Hulk Hogan.
I don't think I need to say anything more than that, do I?
The
York Foundation: Computerized clique who wrestled according to a
computer program that calculated the weaknesses of their opponents. They never lost, except when they did, which
was all the time.
Zan
Panzer: Masked jobber who was apparently the master of the Pan Flute.
Zodiac:
Ed Leslie yet again, this time with his face painted to resemble
a yin-yang sign. Did he suck? Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Miscellaneous
Crap:
1 Night in Chyna: What could be worse than a Joanie Laurer porno? A Joanie Laurer porno featuring SEAN WALTMAN. Egads, man.
AWA
Team Challenge Series: Eric Bischoff gets his start in the wrestling
business by booking the end of the AWA in a series of gimmick matches
that culminated with a Turkey on a Pole match.
AWA
WrestleRock Rumble: Larry Zbysko, Jerry Blackwell, and Verne and
Greg Gagne RAP in this promo
piece for a 1986 Metrodome show.
Well worth watching, just to see Ken Resnick attempt to dance.
Babes
in Toyland: Non wrestling entry. Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves, and
Pat Morita star in this holiday film which teaches us the true meaning
of Christmas - that we should all believe in...TOYS! If you ever
want to see cutie Drew confronting her personal demons, this is
the show for you.
Backyard
Dogs: HORRIBLE movie in which two dudes and some skank make big
bucks in the lucrative field of backyard wrestling.
The
Blaster :
Madison Carter's Weird World of Wrestling invades WrestleCrap! The
man who taught the Shockmaster everything he knows invades the AWA
and falls flat on his face
Body
Slam: Goofy film starring Roddy Piper, Lou Albano, and CHARLES NELSON
REILY that also features midget legend Billy Barty repeatedly calling
Dirk Benedict a faggot.
Christmas
Creature: Glen Jacobs becomes an EVIL CHRISTMAS TREE. What more
needs be said?
Carmen Electra's Naked Women's Wrestling: Warning: Carmen Electra
does not appear nude. Nor do the women actually, you know, WRESTLE.
Time to file that class action false advertisement suit, fellow
Crappers!
Freddy:
Nightmare on Elm Street invades the wrestling ring to expected results.
Hell
Comes to Frogtown: Roddy Piper must impregnate women - or have his
nads blown to smithereens! How did the Academy overlook this one?
Heroes
of Wrestling: The idea of an old timers' night in pro wrestling
isn't that bad, but this PPV sure is.
Highlight of the show is Jake Roberts facing his personal
demons and using Damien as a surrogate penis. One of the five most requested inductions ever.
Hulk
Rules; The Hulkster's in the House, and invading your eardrums with
the force of a class A killstorm.
Highlights include every song mentioning Hogan by name (no
egotism here) and Jimmy Hart singing with a clothespin on his nose.
Jason:
Evil ax murderer befriends Owen Hart. Damn bizarre.
The
Jesse Ventura Story: D
The
Johnsons :
Tag team dressed up as penises. NEXT!
Learning
the Ropes: Sitcom starring Lyle Alzado in which the Rock & Roll
Express taught us how to love again.
Three
Ninjas on Mega Mountain: Hulk Hogan stars as an aging Kung Fool
who teams up with three annoying kids to tackle the evil that is
my aunt, Loni Anderson.
Mr.
Nanny: Yet another Hulk Hogan disaster of a film, this time with
the Orange Goblin being tortured by nerdy children.
OJ
The Movie, Starring Wrestlers: Oddball article from an old Apter
mag in which the OJ Simpson trial is made into a movie starring,
among others, Ron Simmons as OJ and Brian Pillman as Kato Kaelin.
Pasta
Mania: Hulk Hogan restaurant that served such delicacies as Hulk-U's
and Hulkaroos.
Rambo
Greg Gagne: Just when you thought he couldn't get MORE boring, Greggles
goes through training camp with Sgt. Slaughter! One of RD's favorite
inductions.
Santa
with Muscles: Hulk Hogan gets amnesia and believes he's Jolly Ol'
St. Nick. At one time voted
the number one worst movie ever by the readers at the Internet Movie
Database, and I ain't about to argue.
Simpsons
Wrestling: I love wrestling. I love The Simpsons. And I hate this
piece of crap game so much that it makes me want to hate them both.
What does that say?
Tag
Team: TV pilot starring Roddy Piper and Jesse Ventura as wrestlers
blackballed from the business who become cops.
Bad, but I've seen far worse. (See above...or below, for
that matter.)
Thunder
in Paradise: Hogan once again hits TV screens, this time piloting
Knightboat, the crime solving boat.
Warrior,
The Comic: The Ultimate Warrior explains "destrucity"
through the magic of a comic book.
The
Young and The Wrestling:
A PRO WRESTLING PORNO?!
The
Young and The Wrestling2: The Wildman is back in this smut sequel,
and he's ready to blow his opponents away. No wait, that was Penelope's
job.
Yukon
John Nord:
Nord the Barbarian becomes an axe wielding Bible thumper.
Interviews:
John Tenta: The former Earthquake shows amazing wit and ability
to make fun of himself. This
interview led indirectly to him writing the foreword for the WrestleCrap
book.
Oscar:
Men on a Mission's rapping manager takes RD to task for mocking
the trio's abilities in the ring.
Specials:
Catalog
War, Volume 1: T-shirts, hats, and other items duke it out for the
WWF and WCW. This was so
popular that I expanded the idea into a weekly column, "Someone
Bought THIS!"
Revenge
of the Scorpion: Blade Braxton stars as the Black Scorpion, lusting
for revenge in this sequel to Starrcade 90.
Winner of the 2003 "Create Some Crap" contest.
Santa
Claus: Weird Mexican movie that has absolutely nothing to do with
wrestling, but everything to do with crap.
In this flick, Santa spies on the children of the world (and
also holds some captive) and fights Satan with his magical parasol. Hey, I couldn't make this stuff up.
The
2004 Workout War:
Chyna, the Warrior, and Richard Simmons battled for superiority
in a video showdown for the ages. Unfortunately for Chyna and the
Warrior, Richard got the duke.
