Of
all the amazing things I have seen in wrestling over the past
25 years or so of watching it, nothing has been more incredible
than its unparalled ability to take gorgeous women and make
me never want to see them ever, EVER again. Be it Diva Searches,
turning them into brainless idiots, horrible matches, you
name it...it is uncanny how this industry can de-sexify even
the most beautiful of fair maidens.
Seriously,
if I had never seen this woman before...
...I'd
seriously think she was one of the hottest biscuits on the
planet.
After
watching Melina in WWE for the last seven years, listening
to her scream and recite horrendous dialogue in the most wooden
manner imaginable, if she hopped in my lap today I'd shove
her off and run for dear life.
Ain't
no way I'd want that bitch around me.
In
the mid 90's when WCW was at its peak, Nitro had
not just one stunning woman on its roster, but a half-dozen
of them that danced around before the matches. They were known
as the Nitro Girls, and fans loved 'em.
Well,
at first anyway. After a while, though, everyone got tired
of their junior varsity cheerleader dance routines and just
wanted to see another Eddy Guerrero vs. Dean Malenko match.
Still, it didn't prevent WCW from doing a PPV of one of their
calendar photo shoots.
Yes,
a PAY-PER-VIEW of nothing but Nitro Girls.
And
this thing wastes ZERO time introducing us to the girls.
No joke, we get Tony Schiavone saying, and I quote,
"The Nitro Girls!" a three-second
clip of them dancing, and then the redhead that I always
called "Jugs" telling us her name is Fyre
(because everyone in the mid 90's with an "i"
in their name changed it to "y") and that
she has red hair.
Nice
to see her playing to the blind PPV-buying demographic
right off the bat. |
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Up
next we get Tygress, who explains that her name comes
from "tiger" and "princess."
Then
she laughs about it.
And
the other girls laugh.
And
then she laughs some more.
I
kept waiting for the camera to pan back and show a
giant bong, but it never did.
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This
would be Spice, who is apparently "all sass."
I remember her not at all, which seems to indicate
that she never wore that wig.
What
can I say, I like chicks with bizarre colored hair.
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Seriously.
Remember
when Gwen Stefani had pink hair? That was hot.
So
yeah, if Spice had purple hair, I am sure that I would
remember that.
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Just
like I would remember Storm if she always looked like
a mushroom.
You
don't forget girls walking around looking like food
you're allergic to.
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That
chick there is apparentely AC Jazz, and the hairdon'ts
continue with a Pippy Longstockings look.
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If
Trish Stratus couldn't make that look work (and believe
me, she couldn't even with her quaduple D hooters
on jutting out as only they can), you ain't gonna
either, toots.
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Chae
is up next, hugging a teddy bear, sucking her thumb,
and wearing a top hat.
It
was like for her photo shoot the other girls filled
out a Mad Libs page and said, "Here, do this!"
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Finally,
we get Kimberly, whose goal in life is to have a licensed
blow up doll.
I
keed, I keed. Thought I did spend a good 10 minutes
trying to get that exact grab. Figured the Hobo would
put it to use, if you catch my drift.
Anyway,
she's the one who came up with the idea for the Nitro Girls.
So
if you despised them, well, now you know where to
send the hate mail.
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That
out of the way, the girls begin to talk about all
the success they are having. That would be fine, but
these folks make
it sound like they are the second coming of the Beatles
or something.
I
would be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that
the girls claim that it's not just a group, it's a
sisterhood.
A
sisterhood of the traveling hot pants.
(And
yes, that joke was horrible. You'll take comfort,
though, knowing I didn't laugh at it like Tygress
and the other girls did at their joke up above. I
just wrote it, though, "Eh, that's kinda witty,
may make someone with an IQ of 70 or so laugh",
and then moved on.)
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Finally,
we get past all the blah blah and get to the pool!
For
more blah blah!
But
at least they are in bikinis, with breasts on full
(at least as full as can be done whilst covered in
a smattering of fabric) display, so hopefully things
will improve a bit.
Kimberly
tells us to get ready for some awesome sunrise shots
of Chae, and sure enough, that's what we get.
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For
like 5 seconds.
Then we get, no joke, two minutes straight of Kimberly.
I'd
make a joke about the booker putting the spotlight
on themselves here, but if there's one thing RD likes
more than goofy colored hair, it's a black and white
bikini.
So
I'll let it slide.
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Next
we get talk of how Chae is a natural beauty...except
when her nipples are showing.
Don't
ask me, just
listen (and like me, no doubt ask why this footage
is missing from the PPV).
Remember
at the beginning when I said that wrestling makes beautiful
women so unattractive?
Where
else would you find women talking about ugly nipples? |
AC
Jazz Funfact: she
vacuums naked. Again, we do not get footage.
Oh,
and she's also kinda surly looking. They didn't mention
that on the video, but I sure noticed it.
That
image to the right? That's pretty much the most glamorous
shot I could grab of her.
She's
like a Jerry Seinfed girlfriend or something, pretty
from afar but far from pretty. |
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In
between all this...well...nothingness, we get Storm
and Fyre in the gym doing some very, VERY light workouts.
Which
they bitch about incessantly.
At
least they're not talking about how ugly their areolas
are. |
SPEAKING
OF NOT ENDEARING...you know how to make a nearly naked
Kimberly Page in a glass elevator unattractive?
By
blaring the world's worst Kenny G impersonator in the
background.
I'd
call him Kenny F, but I'm sure I've used that joke on
the site in the past.
And
I try to have higher standards on these inductions than
I do on WrestleCrap Radio. |
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We
then get Kimberly talking about a wacky mishap in which
a choreographer was shown a video of the girls doing
a routine, but get this...it turned out to be a Kimberly-Dallas
Page sex tape!
You
know, I'm a big fan of the guy, but please...let's keep
the world free from any further conversation involving
DDPorn. |
I'm
so not joking. |
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Have
I mentioned how long this video is yet? Yes? No? Maybe?
When
I hit play on this, I noticed this thing is TWO HOURS
long. I wasn't sure how that was possible until 30 minutes
in and I had seen the same shots of AC Surly and Spice
on a jetski for, no joke, the third time. |
Then
they play with the dolphins again. I know I've seen
that at least four times already.
I
get that you need to pad this thing out a bit in order
to release a video, but jeesh. |
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AStill,
let's say you are into this and think the women are
hot. You grab your bottle of Jergen's and then you get...these
annoying women going SHOPPING.
That's
not arousing!
No
sir, not at all! |
You
know what else isn't arousing?
Listening
to two
very pasty photographers griping about the weather! |
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And
seeing the dolphins.
AGAIN. |
By
the time the show ends with the girls topless, you won't
even care that they don't turn around.
You'll
just be glad it's over. |
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After
all, I didn't want to see Chae's hideous nipples, did you? |
