"Triple
Kelly, it's time", said Real Deal Reynolds.
"Time for what?", I asked innocently while noshing
on a chicken biscuit.
"Rosie versus Donald".
I choked on my biscuit as I stared at the phone in horror.
"No...not that, Deal...not Rosie versus Donald! I'm...I'm
so young! I haven't lived a single lifetime!"
But in my dramatic Golden Rasberry-worthy performance, I knew
the time had come. As "The Donald" is now the 'new
owner' of RAW, it's appropriate to dust off this very near
Gooker winner of 2007, losing out to Hornswoggle as Vince's
son in one of the fiercest Gooker races I've seen in quite
awhile.
In late 2006/early 2007, Donald Trump and co-host of The View
Rosie O'Donnell partook in a back and forth war of words because
apparently nothing else was going on in their lives. Every
week the news media couldn't wait to report on the sardonic
retorts one would give the other. "You have bad hair!"
"You're a fat pig!" Very heavy stuff, as you can
see.
Well
of course, Vince McMahon, owner of the WWE, HAD to capitalize
on this fierce rivalry by having one whole Monday Night Raw
devoted to these two polar opposites AND an actual MATCH...in
a RING...with these two settling their differences with fisticuffs.
Strap
in, kiddies.
Or
as Rosie would say...
Nah,
I'm not going there, people.
| And
how else can such a match be built up than with Rosie
mowing down on a Fudgie the Whale?
All
these years following wrestling, and this is the first
time I can recall FUDGIE THE WHALE making an appearance
on WWE television. Seriously, you'd think that a sponsorship
deal between WWE and Carvel, the maker of the tasty,
lard-laden ice cream cake, would be a natural..
(Note
from RD: If I had my life to do over again, I promise
you I would have made my wrestling debut not as RD Reynolds
(not as "Real Deal" Jack Diamond), but as
FUDGIE THE WHALE. Now THAT'S a wrestling persona!)
I
didn't have the screen cap for it so I'll just use this
image of Mr. Creosote from Monty Python's Meaning of
Life for adequate visual aid. "It's waffer thin!"
It's
basically the same thing. |
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Following
her fudge-capades, Rosie is backstage with Candice
and Maria, showing them pictures of her vacation...all
while leaning over to check out their cleavage and
Maria's ass.
CAUSE
SHE'S A LESBIAN!!!
WWE
- GET IT?!
|
We
finally get to THE MATCH, an event SO IMPORTANT that
Vince himself insists on doing the ring announcing
cause he doesn't want that mush-mouthed Lillian Garcia
to screw *this* one up, no siree bob!
JR
notes that only Mr. McMahon can create a match "of
this magnitude and controversy!" I believe what
Jim Ross is trying to say is this match is gonna be
extremely awful.
Still,
you gotta give mad props to Vince, as he does a killer
intro for Rosie. 
(Note
from RD: Can't leave out the WWE music guys, either
- that's an awesome
entrance theme!)
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I
should note that Rosie is being played here by Kiley
McLean, a former NWA Women's title holder. She is
a trained grappler so I will give the WWE credit for
hiring someone who can take bumps and was not stained
by John Laurenitis on page 12 of BBW Monthly.
|
Vince
now introduces his good friend. "Like me, he's
a billionaire".
ARE
you a billionaire, Vince? Wow, not sure I've heard
you talk about this obscure piece of info before...
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As
for "The Donald", he is being played by
ROH star, Deep South and OVW developmental talent
Ace Steel. It really says something about the state
of the WWE today when the only time a skilled ring
tactician such as Ace Steel can only be called up
from developmental to play the part of a celebrity
caricature in a match NO ONE gives a crap about.
Eh,
at least it wasn't on PPV.
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Would ya look at The Donald's hair?
I
think they styled after Eric Bischoff's 1990 AWA Team
Challenge series 'do!
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The
two exchange words in the middle of the ring while
the camera goes in nice n' tight so we can hear the
referee GIVE THEM INSTRUCTIONS. You silly wrestlers
with your "rules". I guess for the new viewers
at home that tuned in JUST to see this athletic contest
(and we know there's a great many of ya, heh heh)
and might not be familiar with the rules.
Meanwhile behind them, I can hear the small start
of a mass uprising in the form of dead silence contrasted
with a smattering of BOOs.
|
But
before we can get started, Rosie slips out of the
ring to stuff some more of Fudgie the Whale down her
gullet....CAUSE SHE'S FAT AND CAN'T CONTROL HER WEIGHT!!
COMEDY!
|
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The
boos become deafening as the two stall for 30 seconds
but it might as well be 30 minutes, as they delay the
inevitable. |
The
"action" starts in proper as we get a collar
and elbow tie up the likes of which we've not seen
since the heyday of George Hackenschmidt.
Rosie
pushes Donald to the mat, while Jim Ross tries to
call it like a real wrestling match. Give it up, JR
- even Gordon Solie couldn't salvage this thing.
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I
should note that after every move, EVERY MOVE, Donald
adjusts his hair and complains to the ref about her
touching his pompadour. Sound funny? It sure was,
the first time.
Sadly,
it kinda lost all comedic effect by the 32nd time
he did it.
Which
was maybe, maybe, 90 seconds in.
|
And
we get some more trash talking in the middle of the
ring cause the fans can really hear and care about
every lame insult.
|
|
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Rosie
once again overpowers Donald and shoves him across
the ring, we prompts Trump to angrily throw down his
jacket.
Alright,
NOW we're getting down to business!
|
Yes,
business in the form of yet MORE across the ring trash
talking. Should've just settled for a "debate"
with podiums, but I have a feeling right now I'd be
writing about that debate on this site.
It's
a vicious cycle of Rosie-Donald Wrestlecrap.
(Note
from RD: I doubt it could have topped the greatest
debate ever in wrestling, one that featured Chris
Nowinski and SCOTT STEINER.)
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Donald puts a headlock on Rosie. Yes, we have an actual
WRESTLING hold in this WRESTLING match!
I
bet somewhere Kevin Dunn is steaming at all this 'wrestling'
stuff.
|
| The
fury (of a "lesbeonic" nature, accoridng to
Vince) continues as Rosie jumps on Donald and pounds
him.
You
know, God bless JR and all, but him calling this move
a "Thesz press"...well, let's just say when
he dies and walks through the pearly gates, Lou Thesz
is gonna be right there to kick his ass. |
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On
and on and ON we go, as Rosie heels it up Hulkamania
style, cupping her ear to the thunderous chants of
"BOOOOOOORING!!"
I'd
knock her, but honestly, she's getting better heel
heat than any of the established players on RAW.
|
| On
and on and ON this stupid things goes, as Rosie slams
Donald's head into the turnbuckle, which he no-sells
because of his football helmet hair protecting his cranium.
The
crowd is so entrhalled that they begin to chant, no
joke, "T-N-A! T-N-A! T-N-A!"
That
has to be a first. Has to be.
And
I'm guessing the TNA chants will be left off of the
WWE-produced DVD that will surely feature this lovely
spectacle. |
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Donald
headbutts...or "hairbutts" Rosie repeatedly
and gives the signal for the bodyslam...
|
But
as Donald lifts her, he discovers that she's heavier
than 876 pound Andre the Giant (you know, the one
Hogan described in his autobiography) and thus he
drops her and the near-fall sends the crowd into a
violent frenzy.
The
same crowd would get even more violent as this was
not in fact the finish.
Seriously,
how long is this damn thing?
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Rosie
misses a splash...very poorly, I might add, as Donald
rolls outta the ring and grabs what's left of Fudgie.
No
doubt up in heaven, Tom Carvel is standing shoulder
to shoulder with Lou Thesz, with him awaiting Vince
McMahon's arrival.
Sorry,
Tom - don't think Vince is heading that way when he
keels over.
|
Donald
smacks Rosie's mug very loudly with Fudgie as the crowd
cheers for the second loudest pop of the night... |
|
|
...
the first loudest being when Donald pins Rosie to
end the whole friggin' thing.
Rosie
reacts the same way I did having to lose 10 minutes
of my life watching this, that only Doc Brown's DeLorean
can give me back.
|
Though
this angle would lead to the real Donald shaving Vince's head
at Wrestlemania 23 and his current angle as the new owner
of RAW, I'm sure with all the "BORING!" and "T-N-A!"
chants, the WWE finally learned their lesson-
Oh
why the bloody hell do I even bother??!
- Vince McMahon: "Introducing at a weight of...God only
knows how much...here is the double-chinned diva from The
View, here in all her lesbeonic fury, ROSIE O'DONNELL!"
- Jim Ross (as the greatest entrance theme in wrestling history
plays in the background): "Lesbeonic fury...that's a
first for Monday Night Raw, I can assure you. Mr.
McMahon described this woman as a left-leaning lesbian."
Jerry
Lawler: "A double-chinned Diva."
JR:
"Looks like Rosie has bulked up for this contest."
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