| As
the 20th Century was coming to a close, Fox Television Network
decided to produce a television special in which a lie detector
would be used to ascertain the truth (inadmissable in court)
by asking the questions they felt weighed on the minds of the
nation:
1) Did James Nichols have a role in the Oklahoma City bombing?
2) Did Mark Fuhrman plant the bloody glove to frame OJ Simpson?
3) Was Tonya Harding aware of the plot to sabotage Nancy Kerrigan's
figure skating ability?
But of course, there was one question that topped all of these
other vital questions on a grand scale....
"Is Pro Wrestling Fake?"
*frustrated sigh*
There's something about the world of professional wrestling
that most major television networks and media outlets feel compelled
to ridicule, perhaps more than any other facet of sports or
entertainment. "You know it's fake, right?" seems
to overtake the larger issues of physical and mental wellness
issues in the wrestling business. Despite the fact that Vince
McMahon publicly came out in the 80s and said wrestling is pre-determined
spectacle to entertain fans and with the availability of "dirt
sheet" newsletters like Dave Meltzer's Wrestling
Observer and Wade Keller's Pro
Wrestling Torch to report on the inner machinations of the
business, there are *some* members of the wrestling community
that refuse to drop the veil of kayfabe.
The individual selected for this primetime special to speak
for wresting's real athletic competition is none other than...
Captain
Lou Albano!
Because,
you know, when you need someone to "defend the honor"
of pro wrestling, you want LOU ALBANO.
Now
to be fair, let me back up for a moment by saying Captain Lou
is no doubt a legend of Wrestling (he was my dad's favorite)
and widely considered one of the best heel managers in Vince
McMahon Sr's WWWF along with Classy Freddie Blassie and The
Grand Wizard, with his own "golden era" being the
Rock N' Wrestling Era with Hulk Hogan and Cyndi Lauper.
Throughout
the years, Lou has held onto the conviction that wrestling is
real competition where guys wrestle each other for titles, referees
are easily distracted by outside interference and The Undertaker
really rose to Heaven and then hung around a children's playground
for a few months, where he met his future girlfriend Michelle
McCool (HEY-OOO!). But back to Lou, who has also been noted
in recent years for....well, being NUTS.
And
we got to see said nuttiness in all its insanity-ridden spectacle
thanks to this Fox special.
This
Fox LIE DETECTOR special.
Still
not excited?
What
if I mentioned that this show was hosted by none other
than former Los Angeles prosecuting attorney Marcia
Clark.
"Marcia
Clark...Marcia Clark..." I hear your muttering,
perhaps stroking your imaginary beard as you ponder
just where you have heard that name before.
I'll
spare you a few brain cells (and your fingers a few
clicks as you do a Google search) and inform you that
Clark was the woman who completely botched the OJ Simpson
case because she and her assistant prosecutor Christopher
Darden were busy gettin' it awn behind the scenes instead
of convincing jurors of OJ's really obvious guilt.
Could
YOU come up with a better choice to host a lie detector
special?
Didn't
think so!
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After
showing a few select WWF clips of the "spectacle",
Marcia sits down to chat with Captain Lou before the
polygraph is administered. She asks him why anyone would
want to become a pro wrestler and Lou says the market
for wrestling is huge, claiming that the WWF television
shows are seen by, and I quote, "500 million people
a week".
FIVE-HUNDRED
MILLION PEOPLE!
Dude,
did you add up every person that ever flipped the channel
past a wrestling show in the past 20 years?
Now
I did some research and found out the most widely watched
television show in history, the final episode of M*A*S*H*
had about 106 million viewers, roughly 77% of the viewing
audience the night it aired.
Already
we're off to a great truthy start.
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| Marcia
then notes how violent wrestling is and "what kind
of message does that send to teens?"
Here
we go, the whole "teenagers will go and commit violence
because of wrestling" argument. I've watched many
hours of wrestling and horror movies. If that statement
was true, I'd be serving about 50 consecutive life sentences
at this point.
Marcia
then asks if he ever participated in a fixed wrestling
match and Lou says anyone who beat him in the ring really
beat him legit and says he's going to put his reputation
on the line and "the machine would have to be a liar
to catch him off guard".
Umm,
did anyone explain to him what a polygraph was? I think
he believes it to be some type of wacky super intelligent
hypnosis mind-reading trickery machine.
(Note
from RD: If Fox had marketed this show as "The Wacky
Super Intelligent Hypnosis Mind-Reading Trickery Machine
Show", I bet they would have had 500 million viewers
too.) |
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Next
we see Lou hooked up to the polygraph with the exam
taking place in the ring (of course) and administered
by a guy who looks like the uptight conservative college
dean from an 80s frat house sex comedy.
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(Note
from Homer: I hate that crusty old Dean Bitterman!)
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He asks Lou a sample question to test the machine, "are
you sitting down?"
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"I'M
NOT GONNA LIE!!! I mean, yes".
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The
tester asks if Lou ever participated in a wrestling
match where the results were pre-determined. Lou nods
"yes" but answers "no". I'm no body
language expert but I'd say this was a telling sign
of Lou's deception.
Wasn't
there ANYONE in Lou's family that said to him, "this
isn't a good idea, don't embarrass yourself"?
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The
test is over very quickly (basic "is wrestling
pre-determined?" questions) and Marcia comes out
and asks Lou if he wants to find out the results of
his polygraph.
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As
you can see by the look on Lou's face, he's confident
he'll be proven right FINALLY and stop all those smart
alecks with their "wrestling is fake" hogwash.
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As
suspenseful "the boogeyman is coming to get you"
music plays in the background, Marcia says what we all
knew and what I doubt was a huge shocker to the 14 people
watching, Lou LIED.
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Lou
then proceeds to FLIP OUT, cutting the
greatest promo of his life 
in which he accuses THE MACHINE of lying and threatens
legal action.
Marcia,
for her part, simply watches on with a smug "I
just exposed wrestling to you stupid fans" smile
on her face.
"Even
when told he's lying, Captain Lou's reaction is larger
than life".
I
believe that's carnie for "this raving old guy
with small elves living in his beard is totally insane
and embarrassing himself on national television. Now,
let's get onto that Tonya Harding situation..."
For
the love of Thesz please do not show her wedding night
video.
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I
should note that this was a stellar period in the life of one
Louis Albano, as it was around this time he not only wrote possibly
the single worst book on wrestling in
history, but he also served as the GM of the Heroes of Wrestling
PPV, wherein Lou babbled incoherently while claiming that PPV
was the greatest wrestling show ever as Jake Roberts drunkily
molested a woman at ringside and stumbled around the ring waving
a snake between his legs.
Yes,
like it was his weiner.
Now
there's an idea...I wonder if Jake Roberts has ever been hooked
up to a polygraph?
- Marcia Clark: "Captain Lou, we now
have the results of your polygraph examination. Are you ready
to hear the results?"
Lou
Albano: "Yes!"
Clark:
"Our results have shown that when you said you did not
participate in a wrestling match that was fixed, you were lying."
Albano
(completely insane): "THE MACHINE IS A LIAR!"
Clark:
"Even when told he's lying, Captain Lou's reaction is larger
than life. Our results have shown that Captain Lou Albano did
participate in a pro wrestling match that was fixed."
Albano
(about to blow an artery): "I don't believe that, I'm gonna
cut you off, that machine is a liar! I did not participate in
any match that was fixed!"
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