| News
flash!
Courtesy
wwe.com: "Cena pursued his Great American Bash opponent
into the parking lot, where the self-proclaimed “wrestling
god” was waiting to club the Chain Gang Commander with
a tire iron. After knocking Cena unconscious, Layfield propped
him up and attempted to smash a car into the prone Superstar.
Luckily, John Cena managed to escape at the last minute and
was only grazed, meaning that Cena vs. JBL will still take place
on Sunday night."
Well, thank goodness for that. I think we all can sleep a lot
easier knowing that should a Wall Street Texan turned New Yorker
props your head up against a car, then jumps in another car
and drives like a bat out of hell right at your melon, you too
may just be "grazed."
That
or John Cena is the Brown Hornet in disguise.
Regardless, the most important thing isn't so much that Cena
is alive and well, it's rather that his scheduled encounter
with JBL this Sunday at the Great American Bash is still on.
And what an encounter that promises to be, as it's not just
any old match, oh no. It's a New York City Parking Lot Brawl.
My question: what's the statute of limitations for a WWE parking
lot match?
My second question: if it really is 9 years, is there anyway
we can make it longer than that? Like 99 years?
For the uninitiated among you, yes, we've seen a parking lot
match before, and yes, it was back in 1999. It featured the
deadly combination of these men:
Ken
Shamrock: yes, this would be THAT Ken Shamrock, of
the UFC Shamrocks. Before UFC became all the rage,
Shamrock was one of their biggest stars, who decided
that he wanted to try his hand at pro wrestling. While
he never saw his star shine as brightly as it did
in UFC, he did discover that he very much enjoyed
selling internal injuries, reportedly by chomping
on condoms filled with stage blood.
Ewww...I
sincerely hope that's just a nasty rumor.
|
|
|
His
opponent: Steve Blackman, the Lethal Weapon. I'd make
a lame joke about Blackman sitting on the toilet with
a bomb on it, but I'd likely screw up the joke and
betray the fact that I've never seen any of those
movies. And then if I did that then my inbox would
be flooded with emails telling me either I really
need to see it or that I was really lucky to have
never seen it.
Either
way, I lose.
So
yeah, Blackman was a kung fu martial arts guy so bereft
of charisma that his lack of charisma would soon become
his gimmick. Think about all the poor saps over the
years stuck with THAT character. Have any of them
ever, EVER gotten over? It's right up there with the
"Look at me, I'm clumsy!" persona (see:
Master, Shock and Stasiak, Planet).
|
Anyway,
those two juggernauts would soon find themselves feuding,
like two gladiators locked in eternal battle. Or something.
Hell, I don't know, I just know that one time I had
to watch them in an IRON CIRCLE MATCH.
And my GOD did it ever suck.
Much
like the battlefield that awaits Cena and Bradshaw,
this encounter took place in a good ol' fashioned
parking garage. A garage in which everyone parks in
a circle.
No
idea why anyone would ever develop such a facility,
or where it is, for that matter, but I will say I'm
glad I've never tried to stow my Dodge Omni there.
Especially
as I have no need for its hood to be ass-buffed by
that queenie looking guy on the right.
|
|
| |
Good
ol' JR is here to explain the rules to us.  Apparently
you win this bout by running out of the circle of cars.
Now keep in mind these cars aren't slammed right up
next to each other, but are spaced like they're in the
lot at the local food mart.
With
this in mind, I have the following advice for Steve
Blackman:
When
Shamrock enters the "circle", tap him on the
shoulder, then point into the sky and say, "Look
at that!" When Ken looks into the air, take off
running.
Wrestling truly is the game of human chess. |
Sadly,
no chess match is this, as instead we got these two
throwing each other onto car hoods... |
|
|
...hitting
one another with trash cans... |
...throwing
goofball kicks... |
|
|
...and
Ken taking a nap mid match.
Wait,
that was me.
Sorry.
|
No,
Ken wasn't sleeping - he was SNAPPING!
He
was inTHE ZONE!
|
|
|
Grabbing
a nearby chain, he would soon strangle his foe into
submission... |
...and
walk triumphantly out of the circle. |
|
So yeah, that's what we may have to look forward to this Sunday.
One can only hope that the dastardly JBL will employ the patented
RD Reynolds Iron Circle Strategy System on Sunday.
After
all, three seconds is about the longest match I want to see
those two in.
Jim Ross: "This is an unsanctioned match,
the WWF wanted nothing to do with this. And you understand why.
And when both Blackman and Shamrock get inside that circle of
cars, they will start fighting. And the first man to be able
to leave the circle wins the match."
|
