What if…Kevin Smith Wrote an Episode of Raw?

0 Submitted by on Thu, 27 December 2012, 16:13
Text By Neil Cathan

What if…Kevin Smith Wrote an Episode of Raw?

We here at Wrestlecrap lead difficult lives. Sometimes we have to tell jokes about men in their underwear pretending to fight as often as once a week. When we’re not doing that, however, we have lives. Families. Friends. Lovers. Jobs. Well, the rest of them do. Me? I dig through people’s bins. You wouldn’t believe the kind of stuff I find there. Just last week, I was digging through Stephanie McMahon’s trash for um…research purposes. Yeah, we’ll go with that. You guys will believe that, right? Well, I hit the payload! Exactly what I was looking for! After I sniffed and pocketed her panties, under it I saw something I’m more comfortable writing about. I looked at it, and I thought “Man, I don’t have to come up with any new ideas!” Because I had, you see, found a few tattered sheets of paper, stapled together, some pages missing. But that was fine by me. It meant I could remind the world I exist, while not having to work all that hard. I looked at the title again.

 

Wrestlers: Just Because They Perform For You, Doesn’t Mean They Like You.

 

Yes, it emerged, flicking through page after page of brown-nosing, that someone had pitched to Stephanie McMahon the idea that instead of guest hosts, this year, they’d give film-makers a chance to really shine at the helm of an episode of RAW, and to test the viability of the project, they’d given Kevin Smith the first chance.

 

Scene 1 – INT. Bedroom, morning.

 

A messy room. A phone rings, and EVAN BOURNE rolls from a pile of clothes to answer it.

 

EVAN

“Yeah. Who’s this?”

 

(Pause while he listens to phone)

 

“What? He didn’t show? How is it my fault if he trashed another hotel room? Look, I’ll”

 

(Pause. The person on the other end has cut him off.)

 

“Fine. Fine! Jesus, I’ll be there, okay?”

 

(Bourne notices he is dressed like a respectable human being, and starts to hunt his room for his trunks.)

 

EVAN (Imitating Vince McMahon’s voice)

“Do it or…YOU’RRREEEE FIRRREED!”

 

EVAN

“Asshole.”

 

Scene Two, Int. Car

 

EVAN BOURNE is in his car, looking frustrated at the driver in front of him, who keeps cutting him off.

 

EVAN

“Asshole! Asshole! There are five lanes! Your car is tiny! How do you take them all up? How?”

 

(Honks horn)

 

EVAN

“Stupid car! I can flip around, do that whole ‘defy laws of physics’ thing! Too much to ask of you? Your car should have only one gear: GO!”

 

(Honks repeatedly. The car ahead of him takes the same turn as him. He keeps honking, they’re now on a small lane. The car ahead gets tired of his honking, pulls over.)

 

EVAN

“Teach this guy a thing or two…”

 

(He starts to get out of the car. The driver in front of him gets out too. We see him now – TRIPLE H)

 

EVAN

“Guh. You’re kidding me.”

 

(Gets out)

 

EVAN

“Mr. Hunter, I’m so sorry! The, the horn on my car! I think it’s busted! It just keeps honking!”

 

TRIPLE H

 

“And calling me an asshole?”

 

EVAN

 

“What? No idea what you mean, sir.”

 

TRIPLE H

 

“I heard you. Calling me an asshole.”

 

EVAN

 

“How?”

 

TRIPLE H

 

“Super-hearing, like some Daredevil crap. I need it. When a midcarder starts to get over, his heart beats that little faster, as he gets more and more excited about maybe reaching his dream. When I can hear that little bit faster, I know I have to squash them. Your heart, Evan? If I ever hear you talk about me like that again? Never going to go faster than that pile of rust you call a car. You’ll be back to the indies, wrestling in front of seventeen people in a gym. You want that?”

 

EVAN

 

“What, being respected? Being allowed to give it my all? And, hey! I worked bigger than seventeen!”

 

(Trips stares at him silently)

 

EVAN

 

“No sir. That’s not what I want sir. I’ll try harder, sir.”

 

TRIPLE H

 

“There is no try. Only do.”

 

(Both men head back to their cars.)

 

EVAN (Muttering)

“I’m not even supposed to be here today…”

 

Scene 4, INT. ARENA, BACKSTAGE

 

EVAN BOURNE hanging out backstage with DANIEL BRYAN

 

BRYAN

“ He used a Star Wars reference? Really?”

 

EVAN

“I know. It freaked me out too.”

 

BRYAN

“What gets me is he was the wrong guy. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to burying indy guys to stick to to the smart fans, all that. It’s been a while since I saw Star Wars.”

 

EVAN

“Nah, Vince is Palpatine. Trips is more the Vader role.”

 

BRYAN

“Although not so much Vader, on account of his mobility and all.”

 

(Enter SHEAMUS)

 

EVAN

“He drives like Vader wrestles, man.”

 

SHEAMUS

“Who does?”

 

EVAN

“Trips.”

 

SHEAMUS (Angry)

“Look, Sheamus has forgotten more about this business than you’ll ever know! He’s almost reached Ric Flair’s level! He’s”

 

EVAN (Interrupting)

“A guy who can’t hear you right now. Don’t worry.”

 

BRYAN

“You gotta watch yourself with Trips, he just hasn’t been the same since Shawn left.”

 

EVAN

“A hole in his heart.”

 

BRYAN

“What?”

 

EVAN

“Since Shawn left a hole in his heart. I was playing on your words. Like, I dunno, Shakespeare or something.”

 

BRYAN

“He did though.”

 

EVAN

“Did what?”

 

BRYAN

“Did leave a hole in his heart. Don’t think Trips will find someone to love that much. No-one can replace that guy.”

 

(Exit SHEAMUS, crying)

 

(Enter CM PUNK)

 

PUNK

“What’s up with the big guy?”

 

EVAN

“He just realised he’s Trips’s rebound.”

PUNK

“Ah, forget him. He’s probably off to drown his sorrows in a Guinness. Irish. Drunken louts, the lot of them.”

 

BRYAN

“Shouldn’t you be at an NA meeting, making fun of the junkies?”

 

PUNK

“That’s Tuesdays, Bryan. That’s Tuesdays. They’re all on this Charlie Sheen thing these days anyway. All melted faces and children weeping over exploded bodies. Messy stuff.”

 

EVAN

“Whatever. Why don’t you run along and look after your kiddies? How’s it feel, being the highest paid babysitter in America now that the Nexus need some new guy to follow? Really, when you think about it, you’re cheap imitation Wade Barrett. Only without the charming British accent.”

 

BRYAN

“Or the build.”

 

EVAN

“Or those deep, soulful eyes.”

 

(Awkward silence)

 

CM PUNK

“Anyway, you guys hear?”

 

EVAN

“Hear what?”

 

CM PUNK

“Big critic here tonight.”

 

BRYAN

“Really? We have those for wrestling?”

 

EVAN

“Man, makes me nervous. Because tonight needed more pressure. I’m not even supposed to be here today!”

 

BRYAN

“Man, I hate critics. What right do they have to judge another’s work, to hold it up to their particular, pretentious standards, when they have never produced anything themselves. And people listen! That’s what really gets me, these idiots are respected.”

 

CM PUNK

“Yeah, down with the evil critics!”

 

EVAN

“Yeah! Critics suck! Who are they to tell Evan Bourne and Daniel Bryan how to wrestle?”

 

CM PUNK (Snickering a little)

“I’ll see you around, Evan Bourne and Daniel Bryan.”

 

(PUNK leaves, still giggling a bit over their awful, stupid names)

 

BRYAN

“Man, he’s right. Our new names suck.”

 

EVAN

“At least yours sounds like a name, man. Me? I get Evan Bourne. Who the hell would call someone that?”

 

BRYAN

“You kidding? At least they showed some creativity with that. They just made my name backwards. That way no-one could tell who I was in a past life.”

 

EVAN

“Except that they keep bringing your last identity up.”

 

BRYAN

“Yeah, what’s up with that?”

 

BRYAN (Comic Book Guy voice)

“Worst Witness Protection Service ever.”

 

EVAN

“Man, remember that episode where they were in the Witness Protection Service? Where like, that clown guy broke onto their houseboat?”

 

BRYAN

“Yeah”

 

EVAN

“That could be you, man, that could be you! You’re a vegan, that’s like, the hippy rung below ‘lives on a boat’, right?”

 

Scene 6, INT. ARENA, BACKSTAGE

 

BRYAN bumps into EVAN, as they walk in opposite directions. BRYAN looks distressed

 

EVAN

“What’s wrong? You’re not remembering the prequels again, are you? I told you, we have to put them in the past, and move on with our lives. It’s not healthy to dwell on them.”

 

BRYAN

“I just watched an Alicia Fox match.”

 

EVAN

“Oh god. I’m sorry, man. I know how that is. Why’d you do it?”

 

BRYAN

“I can’t not. I’m a trained first-aider. And that finisher. The way she does it. She’s really going to hurt someone. It’s, it’s not even funny anymore.”

 

EVAN

“I hear you man. I’m amazed we haven’t seen someone get hurt already.”

 

BRYAN

“Someone’s got to talk to her about it.”

 

EVAN

“I’ll do it.”

 

BRYAN

“That’s what you always say. Then she comes along, and you turn into Colin Firth, begging for his Oscars.”

 

EVAN

“I’ll do it, okay!”

 

BRYAN (imitating EVAN’s voice)

“A…Alicia. I was wondering, um. It’s just. Uh, well. Um. Oh, I think I see Arn calling me over, wants to talk about my match, I’ll, we’ll, we’ll talk later, okay?”

 

EVAN

“I said I’ll do it this time, alright?”

 

BRYAN

“Man, she must think there’s some illicit love thing going on between you and Arn, the amount he wants to talk to you about your matches. Come to think of it, you’d make a great cub, he’d make a great bear.”

 

EVAN

“Cubs? Bears?”

 

BRYAN

“I can’t say it now. This show is PG-13, remember? I can’t say that. I’ll tell you later.”

 

(Enter Alicia)

 

EVAN

“Hey, uh, Alicia. Um, someone needs to talk to you.”

 

ALICIA

“Obviously not you. I don’t think you can.”

 

EVAN

“It’s about that weird, neck, leg whatever you”

 

BRYAN

“Hey man, I think I see Arn calling for you.”

 

EVAN

“Man, screw him.”

 

BRYAN

“I bet.”

 

EVAN

“It’s…nothing.”

 

ALICIA

“Right. Call me when the cat gives you your tongue back, honey.”

 

(ALICIA leaves)

 

(Bryan breaks out laughing at EVAN)

 

EVAN

“Man, forget it! I’m not even supposed to be here today!”

 

Scene Eight, Outside Alicia’s Dressing Room

 

(EVAN marches boldly up to the door, stops when he hears Alicia moaning from within. Embarrassed, he turns and leaves.

 

Scene Ten, Backstage

 

BRYAN hanging out backstage with GAIL KIM

 

BRYAN

“Look, I just wish he’d wear some clothes is all.”

 

GAIL

“But it’s a classic! How can you not like it?”

 

(Enter EVAN)

 

BRYAN

“His speech pattern is way off, he’s all hunched over all the time. That’s weird. So he’s weird, he never wears clothes, he’s always around children, and Elliot has to keep him secret from his parents. ET should stand for Infant Touching.

 

EVAN

“Oh god, you got him talking about ET? Why would you even do that?”

 

GAIL

“I didn’t know it was a thing! Besides, Infant Touching would make it IT, wouldn’t it?”

 

BRYAN

“Oh man, It was a great film.”

 

GAIL

“Wait, ET has some paedophillic subtext, so it’s too weird for you, but the Clown haunting and torturing a bunch of children-”

 

BRYAN

“Classic of our time. So, Evan. How’d it go with Alicia? Talk to her?”

 

EVAN

“Um, well…”

 

GAIL

“Why do you even ask, Dan?”

 

BRYAN

“Because it’s funny.”

 

(Enter JAY and SILENT BOB)

 

BRYAN

“Man, I knew coming to New Jersey was a mistake.”

 

(JAY opens his mouth, but SILENT BOB claps a hand over it)

 

SILENT BOB

“You really can’t say anything PG-13. Let me talk to Evan.”

 

JAY

“You know this guy? Man, you like, a wrestling fan or something? Gay.”

 

SILENT BOB

“Shut up. Anyway, Evan. You’re just scared. Happens to us all, if we’re lucky enough. You’re doing this thing all independent, and it’s your dream, it’s all you want to do, right? Then people start liking your stuff, and it’s not all ‘Hey man, this is fun’, it’s more serious. You let yourself dream. Then you hit the big time. You’re wrestling for the WWE, or making films for the WB, or whatever. And suddenly, this is your chance. Suddenly you start to ask if you’re good enough. You’re somewhere you never dreamed you would be, and it’s some scary stuff. What if you flop on the big stage? What if you make Jersey Girl? But you know what? Finding out is the best thing in the world, even if you fail. So stop being such a coward over it. Stop being afraid to talk to a woman, you’re this big deal now. Nothing you can’t do, unless you stop yourself.”

 

JAY

“Yeah, go tell that chick what to do! Then kick some ass or something.”

 

(EVAN walks off, a determined look on his face.)

 

BRYAN

“I dunno, I kinda liked Jersey Girl.”

 

JAY

“Gay.”

 

Scene Eleven, ALICIA’S Dressing Room

 

(A masseuse finishes up giving ALICIA a massage, while she gently moans. This is relaxing stuff. He leaves and EVAN comes in)

 

ALICIA

“Hey kid. You feeling up to a sentence?”

 

EVAN

“Alicia, you’ve got to either learn how to wrestle, or pick a new finisher, because you cannot do that move. There’s a poll backstage on when you kill someone. It’s not like there are people queueing up to see another great Alicia Fox match, they’re there because of two reasons, and both of them are full of silicon! This isn’t even funny any more, it’s just scary.”

 

(EVAN storms out, leaving Alicia with a shocked look on her face.)

 

Scene Thirteen, EVAN’s dressing room

 

(Enter Arn Anderson)

 

ARN

“Hey, Evan. We should talk about your match tonight.”

 

EVAN

“Really?”

 

Smith’s Note: (They talk for a bit. Arn knows this wrestling stuff better than me, he can write this.)

 

(Arn leaves)

 

(Enter Randy Orton)

ORTON

“You looking to take my spot, kid?”

 

EVAN

“Hey, look man, I wasn’t the one trashed another hotel room, okay? Not my problem if one of them killed your father, and you’re on some revenge mission.”

 

(ORTON steps closer)

 

ORTON

“You’re a pushy little indy, aren’t you? But I like that. I like that.”

 

(ORTON punches EVAN out)

 

ORTON

“Strike hard, strike fast, no mercy!”

 

(ORTON kicks EVAN in the ribs)

 

ORTON

“It’s open season on you!””

 

(ORTON stamps on Evan’s hand)

 

ORTON

“This is wrestling, not a knitting class!”

 

EVAN

“I’m not even supposed to be here today…”

 

And here, loyal readers, the script, or at least, the sections I was able to pull from the trash, ends.

Written by

Creator, editor and semi-sorta-retired original author of Rewriting The Book, husband, father of three, gamer, lover of 90's MTV animation.

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