This week’s Jobber Of The Week holds the distinction of being the oldest individual to ever make his debut in the wrestling world. And people say Diamond Dallas Page got a late start. Try entering the business at the ripe age of over 500 years old. Yes kiddies, get your Easter baskets ready for one rotten egg of a JOTW. Ready or not, I proudly present the life and misadventures of the one and only..Easter Bunny.
Born in Germany in the early 1500’s, the young Bunny soon found himself thrust into the role of the official Easter holiday mascot. Full of youthful spunk, our beloved rabbit quickly adopted his trademark gimmick of bringing baskets of delicious chocolates, eggs, and other goodies to little children. After a few centuries of bleek March and April Sundays in Germany,he decided he needed a change. Seeing the limited drawing power of being a holiday icon trapped in Europe, he decided to follow his fellow German immigrants to America in the 1700’s. Life as he knew it would never be the same.
For the next two and a half centuries in America, life would be grand. The Bunny’s legend grew to rival that of Jolly Ol’ St.Nick himself. Sure there were bumps with the church along the way,as some questioned the need for a potentially rabid, non-egg laying mammal hopping around on the holiest of Sundays but hey, who says egg delivering hares and religious holidays can’t go hand in hand? The Bunny and religion made peace with each other and he entered the 1970’s confident to own the rights to the Easter tradition unchallenged forever. Or so he thought. Soon, he would have to fight to maintain his holiday icon status.
From up north in the late 70’s came the Easter Bunny’s first, and most deadly challenge to the throne. His name..Dudley. His goal..rule Easter with an iron paw. Clad in overalls, crosseyed, and looking like the 70’s poster child for acid burnouts, Dudley said to hell with tradition. Why wait around for the Easter Bunny to bring you your stinkin’ Easter eggs? Make them yourself. Preferably with Dudley’s incredibly messy and destructive “Shake An Egg” color kit.
While the kids loved this new “extreme” style Easter, parents weren’t as thrilled. Backlash from moms everywhere followed. That would not be his downfall though. Looking at his eyes,three words came to mind – obvious “personal demons”. They eventally spelled doom and a stint in rehab for poor Dudley.
No time to celebrate for our Bunny however,as he was next blindsided by a “kinder, gentler Easter”. The gang from Paas was next to try and overthrow Mr.Bunny. Maybe it was the unexciting Easter egg dye they brought. Maybe it was the fact that the gang of Paas assclowns appeared to be a little TOO happy and friendly. As drugged-out as Dudley was, at least he never did this in public – molest and fondle sleeping Easter eggs in a pond. Maybe in a world where Michael Jackson is President, but not here, and not on my Easter you sick barnyard freaks.
Feathers, Cotton, and the rest of the Paas gang soon disappeared. Rumors that they turned to a career being a Village People cover-band at the San Francisco Zoo still circulate to this day. Before the 80’s were over, the Easter Bunny would have to survive one more battle. From out of nowhere came the mighty Cadbury Bunny. Sure, he looked like a normal rabbit, but he had our hero beat in one aspect. While the Easter Bunny could only deliver someone else’s eggs, the Cadbury Bunny not only clucked like a chicken, he laid those incredibly tasty Cadbury Creme eggs as well. His deicedly non-mammal ability to lay chocolate creme eggs was beloved.
His constant annoying “bawk, bawk, bawk” was not.
By the early 90’s Cadbury would give their loudmouth mascot the pinkslip and the world’s ears were safe until the future rise of Nipple H a decade later. Finally, the Easter Bunny had done it. He had vanquished every pretender to his throne. There was only one thing left to do. Conquer Hollywood.
In 1995, the Bunny was cast in a cameo role in Kevin Smith’s movie “Mallrats”. Playing himself, his dreams of Tinseltown stardom soon took a disastrous turn. In his only scene, he came face to face with the infamous stoner duo of Jay and Silent Bob. Faster than you can say “snoochie boochies”, they proceded to beat the living crap out of him for the whole world to see. It was a damaging blow to his ego. Kids laughed. Santa hung his head in shame. It turned out to be his final film role.
Depressed, he turned his attention back to Easter baskets, but after 500 consecutive holidays, it can get a bit boring. His pride still wounded from his acting gig, he thought of the one thing that would redeem himself in the eyes of the public. He would get back his manho..uh,rabbithood. He would become the Easter Bunny…WWE Superstar.
Chomping at the bit and not even able to wait until his usual springtime appearance, the Bunny arrived in the WWE nine months early, in July 2003 at WWE Vengeance. Along with past and future JOTW’s the Conquistadors and the Brooklyn Brawler, he was entered into the first ever APA Invitational Bar Brawl. To win, you had be the last man (or bunny…or clown, as Doink was also brought out of the mothballs) standing and still drinking. Once the brawl began, things quickly went to “hell in a Easter basket”. Matt Hardy, Doink, and even Brother Love all proceded to stomp on the very green rookie. Poor Bunny never stood a chance. He spent the entire match getting pummeled while never once landing a punch. Sean O’ Haire would cause the most damage when he executed the first ever “Exorcist” headspin, turning the Bunny’s head around 180 degrees and then popping him in the face..uh, back of the head with a stiff jab. Mercifully,he was soon eliminated by being thrown through a glass window by the eventual winner ,Bradshaw.
Shed no tears for the Easter Bunny though. Despite the loss, he regained his pride and proved that he was still rabbit enough to maintain his yearly duties and realized what his goals truly were. Making kids happy on Easter. Lord knows, when you get your ass kicked by Brother Love of all people, you know you don’t belong anywhere near a wrestling ring.
Update: Since this column was originally posted last Easter, a few things have happened. Quackers the Duck has been exposed for the perv he is and has been removed from the boxes by Paas. Now, Easter eggs are free to frolic naked in lakes and streams without fear of being accosted. I’d like to think that we all had a helpful hand in the demise of Quakers.
Wrestlecrap : Making the world safe – one egg at a time.