Induction: WCW’s Asylum match – La Cage aux Folles

17 Submitted by on Thu, 02 June 2016, 20:00

WCW, 2000

As I’m sure you all know, it was way back in the 1880s that Ferdinand von Lindemann and Karl Weierstrass proved in their eponymous theorem that you can’t square a circle.

asylum01

Still, that hasn’t stopped wrestling announcers from calling the ring a “squared circle” anyway for the past century or so.

This week’s induction, however, gave new meaning to the term. I refer of course to WCW’s asylum cage.

asylum02

Unlike all the other cages in use in WCW that month, where participants could freely roam the roof and arena floor…

asylum03 asylum03b

 

…the asylum cage confined wrestlers to the ring. Well, the 79% or so of the ring that fell within the cage.

asylum04

See, the WCW’s 16 x 16 ft. ring was much too spacious and fancy for a wrestling match, what with its corners and ropes and all.

asylum05
While slightly larger than, say, a shark cage, the asylum cage still didn’t offer much room for maneuverability within its 50-foot circumference (which sounds much larger on paper).

asylum98 asylum06

 

Basically, it was an oversized bird cage, minus a perch or two. That would have made the three asylum matches that WCW held in the late spring of 2000 slightly interesting.

Nitro viewers were introduced to the new cage by Big Poppa Pump, who briefly mentioned it at the end of a rhyming promo about having sex in great detail.

asylum07
“There’s nothing finer than doing the 69-er with Scott Steiner.”

asylum97Do you think that’s how he signed his 8x10s?

Out came Rick Steiner to accept his brother’s challenge (for the cage match, not the Steiner 69-er). “It’s real easy to get in, but to get out, you’ve got to say, ‘I quit’,” said Scott, about the cage match.

asylum09

The dog-faced gremlin foolishly fought his brother in the center of the ring as the tiny cage slowly descended and trapped them both within.

asylum09b

Rick was shocked!

If Rick had had any brains, he would have hid in a corner, waited until his brother Scott was trapped inside the cage, then blasted him with either blood or doodies.

asylum10 machopoop20

 

After exchanging the kinds of punches and kicks one would expect from a match with no ropes, Scott discovered that the cage was just big enough for him to execute his beloved belly-to-belly suplexes.

asylum11

A minute and a half into the match, Goldberg’s music hit, but the former world champion was not to be found. Instead, we got “Tankberg,” a rip-off of Gillberg that saw Tank Abbott rip off Goldberg.

asylum12

Flanked by security guards, Tank Abbott just happened to have bolt cutters after having heard about the cage two minutes earlier.

Tank tried for two whole seconds to cut through the chain link fence…

asylum13

…gave up…

asylum14

…then punched referee Mickey Jay and stole his cage-lifting gadget. Abbott was truly making a mockery of this important match stipulation, which had been hotly anticipated ever since it was announced earlier in the segment.

After lifting the cage back up, Tank ran in so he and Rick could double-team Scott, resulting in a no-contest at the three-minute mark.

asylum15

This, in a match whose only selling point was that escape was impossible and there must be a winner.

asylum16

Fortunately, “The Sexecutioner” Kevin Nash arrived to back up Big Poppa Pump. Wanting to avoid taking a lethal injection from the Sexecutioner, Tank and Rick fled the scene.

The next week, Scott cut another rhyming promo about having sex in great detail, inviting the ladies in Salt Lake City to “get erotic” at his “freak show.”

asylum17

Hey, they don’t call it “Sin City” for nothing!

In the last five seconds of his promo, we found out that his opponent was Shane Douglas. Even though there were no ropes inside this cage, and its whole point was to recreate UFC-style fights, Steiner still Irish-whipped Douglas, who pretended to spring right off the fence to deliver a neckbreaker.

asylum18

After Shane Douglas used a foreign object, Tony Schiavone pointed out how the rules in WCW had been relaxed as of late to give fans clear-cut winners and losers. Good thing, too, as just last week a cage match just kind of evaporated into thin air after interference.

asylum19

But there certainly was a clear decision in this week’s asylum match when Steiner made Douglas submit after two and a half minutes.

asylum20

Referee Slick Johnson did his best Marcel Marceau impression to deliver the verdict.

It was now time for the Great American Bash, where the asylum cage would make its third and final appearance, as Scott Steiner defended his U.S. Title against Tank Abbott.

Before the match, Scott Hudson referred to Steiner as “creamier” than any cage fighter in the world, which raises some questions. Although maybe not as many questions as WWE Network’s closed captions raised…

asylum22

Still not as bad a nickname as, “The Sexecutioner.”

Scott Steiner having spent a combined total of over five minutes in the cage, the match was deemed his specialty. Scott’s experience edge (not to mention being clingier than the queen of the sheep-fighting clock) put him at an unfair advantage, so Vince Russo added Rick Steiner to the mix to make it a handicap match.

asylum23

The standard punches and kicks quickly bored Tank and his partner Rick Steiner (who may or may not have been competing for the U.S. title in this impromptu two-on-one bout; no one bothered to explain how this worked). Tank pulled out a chain to deliver further punishment to the reigning champion, only for brother Rick to protest.

asylum24

Tank hit Rick with the chain instead, then tapped him with his foot to make sure he was still awake…

asylum25

…allowing Scott to make Tank give up in 3:46 to the Steiner Recliner.

asylum26

Truly, there was nothing finer. Well, except that one thing. Nothing can compete with that, which might be why WCW shelved the cage after this match.

TNA later created its own, full-sized version of the asylum cage, which it debuted at Sacrifice 2008.

asylum27

Frankie Kazarian won that one to replace Kurt Angle in the three-way main event, seriously screwing up Scott Steiner’s mathematical calculations in the process.

Maybe that’s why Steiner doesn’t have his own theorem.

Written by

A wrestling fan ever since the days of Wrestlemania IX, Art graduated from college in the same building where Art Donovan called King of the Ring 1994. He currently runs the "How Much Does This Guy Weigh?" blog, where he reviews New Generation-Era Monday Night Raws and Hasbro WWF figures. Email at: art@wrestlecrap.com
17 Responses to "Induction: WCW’s Asylum match – La Cage aux Folles"
  1. John C says:

    So when Scotty talks about getting beneath the sheets with his freaks does he mean they cover themselves under The Wrestling Observer or Pro Wrestling Torch? Cause that would be pretty freaky doing the business with someone while pictures of Dave Meltzer or Wade Keller stare at you. Judging you, perhaps even giving you a rating based on your performance. If I want to see a bad cage match I’ll stick to The Kennel from Hell encounter, thank you very much. Sorry to Scotty for not being hired as a mathematics professor at Michigan but you can’t teach that!!!

  2. Jimbolian says:

    Huh, I thought Lash LeRoux was gonna make an appearance in this induction.

  3. Hulk6785 says:

    Vince Russo just loved to make matches with convoluted rules that lasted 5 minutes or less.

  4. Mister Forth says:

    If anyone gets that autograph from Steiner, they need to get a handshake.

  5. Sean Bateman says:

    Man that Asylum sucked. At least teh Ambrose Asylum is more “viloent”

  6. Nicholas Nutter says:

    I just saw something on Twitter about the first steel cage match ever. It was on June 25th, 1937 in Atlanta, GA: Jack Bloomfield defeated Count Pedro Rossi.

    The more I looked into it, the less sure I am that the picture in the tweet was of that match (it has a faded WWE scratch logo in the corner), but it looks rather old (tiny turnbuckles and the like), so it could be the real deal.

    Anyway, reason I bring it up, is it looks a lot like this asylum cage:
    https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xat1/v/t1.0-9/11140362_1037841379587497_3688440930640218129_n.jpg?oh=92bd26f5a3c36ac0589d070d3991f54d&oe=578C389C&__gda__=1469002644_f151359e19725fbd9cbe109aee17166e

  7. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Wow! A reference to the original French version of The Birdcage?! And people say wrestling fans aren’t cultured?! 🙂

    • Ze Frenchie says:

      Ha! I had to check it twice to believe it was intentional, and not just my computer instantly translating everything.

  8. Geoff says:

    You mean to tell me that the cage match between Taker and Micheals wasn’t the first ever? Oooops sorry I meant the one between Hogan and Bundy a decade earlier.

    • Jimbolian says:

      I believe you mean that incredible steel cage match a young Mick Foley hitchhiked his way to MSG featuring Don Muraco and Steven Richards.

  9. Andy PG says:

    “Hey, they don’t call it “Sin City” for nothing!”

    They, uh, don’t. Las Vegas is Sin City. Salt Lake City is about as far from Sin City as you can get.

  10. Doc 902714 says:

    “Referee Slick Johnson did his best Marcel Marceau impression to deliver the verdict.”

    I can’t be the only one who got that! can’t I?

  11. Geoff says:

    Yes it is. But Salt Lake City is a “different” kind of Sin City.

  12. Anonymous says:

    This article is hilarious.

  13. Guest says:

    “Tank ran in so he and Rick could double-team Scott, resulting in a no-contest at the three-minute mark.

    This, in a match whose only selling point was that escape was impossible and there must be a winner”.

    Yep you can tell Russo booked this.

    Also they Shane Douglas neckbreaker was just sad looking.

  14. CHuygens says:

    Steiner’s theorem is the parallel axis theorem. Shame you couldn’t work it in.
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parallel_axis_theorem

leave a comment