The Chaperone Preview: SPOILER ALERT: This Movie is Going to Suck

0 Submitted by on Wed, 26 December 2012, 18:30


Text by F4WOnline Forum Member Bone Machine

Note from RD: There aren’t a whole lot of rules ’round these parts at WrestleCrap.com, but we do have one: we never induct anything inside the same calendar year it’s begun. The logic behind the rule is that you never know when something that looks horrible will turn the corner and be great. I can’t really think of a lot of instances where that’s happened, so that’s kind of a stupid rule. Maybe I just want to stockpile crap for the next year’s Gooker voting.

Anyway, I am going to make an exception here, a very special exception indeed: this isn’t going to be the first induction we’ve done inside the same year, it’s the first induction we’ve ever done BEFORE it’s ever happened. How can this be, you ask? Well, I’ve only seen the trailer for “The Chaperone”, but I know, without question, that this movie is going to suck. And while I wanted to induct it just from the trailer I watched endured, but I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t fair.

But then came along a post on the F4WOnline Board in which a fine young egg named Bone Machine has gone full bore and disected the movie prior to its release utilizing only still photos he’s found. So it’s possible, although very incredibly unlikely, that the plot isn’t quite what he’s thinking.

Nah, who am I kidding? I’m sure he has it 100% right.

Without any further adieu…here’s Bone Machine and our first ever prehumous induction!


The Chaperone is a movie that is coming out. It stars The Game HHH as “Ray Bradstone”, a man who has just gotten out of prison to become a chaperone of some kind. I don’t really know anything about it, but I have seen many stills from the film, and have made assumptions that are probably accurate.

To start off, here is the poster:

Ray Bradstone’s daughter is a bus driver. She is too young to drive a bus, but Ray Bradstone is all like, “eh, what are ya gonna do?”

Ray Bradstone loves his bus driver daughter.


In what I assume is the beginning of the film, Ray Bradstone leaves prison.

More like Ray Beardstone!

Ray Bradstone is a Christ-like figure. He emerges from prison much like Christ emerged from that cave or whatever.


At one point, Ray Bradstone shaves his beard, and then he sees something with a group of onlookers (maybe his friends/gang?).

I don’t know what it is that he has seen, but Ray Bradstone is shocked. Lets analyze this.

The caution tape indicates that the thing that Ray is looking at is bad.

Ray Bradstone is shocked and upset by the thing he is seeing.

His hands hang aimlessly by his side, unsure of what to do in this situation.

And then, in a powerful moment, Ray Bradstone cries.

“HELLO? YES, I HAVE A TELEPHONE. I TALK TO YOU ON THE TELEPHONE. I’M RAY BRADSTONE. BYE.”


Ray Bradstone has an important bag.

He wants the important bag to be put in the bus. That other guy is confused and stupid.

“YOU LOOK AFTER MY BAG YOU. I’M RAY BRADSTONE.”


WHAT IS IN THE BAG?

BRADSTONE BUCKS.


“Sometimes I like to sit in a car, and think about the day. I’m Ray Bradstone.”


CHAPERONE FACT:
The tagline is: “Her dad did time… now he wants quality time.”


“HEY KID, look up wtf that blue cow thing is. You can use Google. I’m Ray Bradstone. Also, you could use BING.”


One plot of the movie is how two guys are trying to track down Ray Bradstone, to stop him from being The Chaperone.

“Have you seen this guy? He’s Ray Bradstone.”

(Note from Board member cbacon87: A cop in a straw hat is a cop you can trust.)


“AW, SHUCKS”

This is all actual dialogue btw.


At one point, Ray Bradstone meets up with an old friend, and SOMETHING happens between them.

Something super interesting must be happening between these two excited looking guys.

What is it?

A life or death situation, that’s what!


In a scene that will be familiar to any parent, Ray Bradstone teaches his daughter the facts of life.


“Sometimes I like to sit in my bus, and think about the day. I’m Ray Bradstone.”


CHAPERONE FACT:
Stephen Herek, who directs The Chaperone, also directed Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, The Mighty Ducks, Mr Holland’s Opus, and the made-for-TV movie “Young MacGyver”.

The Chaperone marks his first project with Hunter Hearst Helmsley.


“QUICK. WE HAVE TO RUN AWAY. I THINK WE SHOULD RUN AWAY AROUND THIS CORNER.

LETS DO THAT NOW. HERE’S THE CORNER, KEEP RUNNING AROUND IT.
FOLLOW RAY BRADSTONE AROUND THE CORNER. AND REMEMBER TO RUN. AROUND THIS CORNER.

WE WILL BE SAFE THERE.”


CHAPERONE FACT:
The star of The Chaperone is pro wrestler The Game Triple H.


TECHNOCOP 1: “WE ARE TRIANGULATING THE POSITION OF RAY BRADSTONE.”

TECHNOCOP 2: “CHLOE, UPLOAD THE BRADSTONE SCHEMATICS TO MY COMPUTERGUN.”

TECHNOCOP 1: “YES. SEND THEM TO MY COMPUTERGUN ALSO. GOOD IDEA.”

TECHNOCOP 2: “THANK YOU.”


“I AM UNCOMFORTABLE IN THIS SITUATION. WHATEVER THIS SITUATION IS. MAYBE A JOB INTERVIEW? I DON’T KNOW!

AND I’M RAY BRADSTONE, SO YOU’D EXPECT ME TO KNOW. BUT I DON’T.

BUT I AM UNCOMFORTABLE.”


“…I DON’T…UNDERSTAND…

…I’M…RAY BRADSTONE…UH…

…RAY BRADSTONE…IS…CONFUSED…

…HUH?”


At one point in the movie, Ray Bradstone meets a man in a red car.

*POUT*

MAN: “Here, look at this, it’s a red car.”

RAY BRADSTONE: “I KNOW THAT. I CAN SEE THAT.”

MAN: “It is my car.”

RAY BRADSTONE: “YES, I ASSUMED AS MUCH.”

MAN: “My car is red.”

RAY BRADSTONE: “YES, I CAN SEE THAT. I’M NOT AN IDIOT. DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”

MAN: “Yes. You’re Ray Bradstone.”

RAY BRADSTONE: “I’M RAY BRADSTONE.”


In a touching scene, Ray Bradstone sends a text to his daughter, to see if she wants to go grab some lunch.

Ray Bradstone loves his daughter.


“YOU TWO! QUICKLY! GIVE ME YOUR HAIR. IT’S AN EMERGENCY. LET ME HAVE YOUR HAIR. PLEASE. I NEED TO TEAR YOUR HAIR OUT. YEEAAH.

TWO NICE BIG CHUNKS OF HAIR, FOR OL’ RAY BRADSTONE.”


In The Chaperone, Ray Bradstone has a love interest. Her name is Miss Miller.

“I LOVE YOU, RAY BRADSTONE. I’M MISS MILLER.”


Here’s the happy couple on their first date, at a museum.

RAY BRADSTONE: “HI MISS MILLER. I’M RAY BRADSTONE.”

MISS MILLER: “Hi Ray Bradstone, I’m Miss Miller. Look at that painting, there.”

RAY BRADSTONE: “DO THE VOICE.”

MISS MILLER: “What?”

RAY BRADSTONE: “NEVERMIND. LOOK AT THE OTHER PAINTING. IT IS PRETTY, LIKE YOUR FACE IS.”

MISS MILLER: “I love you, Ray Bradstone.”

RAY BRADSTONE: “AND I LOVE YOU, LISA SIMPSON.”


Later in the movie, Ray Bradstone introduces Miss Miller to his bus driving daughter.

RAY BRADSTONE: “MISS MILLER, MEET MY DAUGHTER”

DAUGHTER: “I’M RAY BRADSTONE’S DAUGHTER.”

MISS MILLER: “Well aren’t you ador-”

RAY BRADSTONE: “DO THE VOICE.”

MISS MILLER: “You keep saying that and I don’t know w-”

RAY BRADSTONE: “DO THE VOICE. DO THE VOICE FOR MY DAUGHTER. C’MON. DO IT. DO THE VOICE.”

MISS MILLER: “Ray I think we need t-”

RAY BRADSTONE: “EAT MY SHORTS!”


Tragedy strikes. Ray Bradstone finds his lady love dining with another man.

RAY BRADSTONE: “WELL HELLO THERE.”

MISS MILLER: “Oh, uh… hi Ray Bradstone. This is Stanley. I’m in lov-”

RAY BRADSTONE: “DO THE VOICE.”

MISS MILLER: “OK see, this is exactly why I’m breaking up with you.”


Suddenly, a realisation seems to comes over Ray Bradstone. He stands there, processing this information for a few seconds, then he violently grabs Stanley and pulls him up out of his chair.

RAY BRADSTONE: “OH MY GOD. I SEE WHAT’S GOING ON.”

STANLEY: “Hey take it ea-”

RAY BRADSTONE: “I KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE.”

STANLEY: “Okay, yes, I’m seeing your gi-”

RAY BRADSTONE: “IT’S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. I’M RAY BRADSTONE. I LOVE YOUR WORK.”

STANLEY: “I… thanks? What wo-”

RAY BRADSTONE: “DO HOMER’S VOICE.”

STANLEY: “What? No. What? I’m trying to tell you that I’m dating Miss Miller.”

RAY BRADSTONE: “WHO?”


Eventually it is explained to Ray Bradstone that the love of his life has left him for Stanley. He is heartbroken. Devastated. His bus driving daughter tries to comfort him.

DAUGHTER: You wanna know what I think?
RAY BRADSTONE: NO.


Ray Bradstone goes to the place where he sits and thinks about the day. Behind the wheel of his daughter’s bus.

RAY BRADSTONE: MY HEART IS A SAD HEART.

DAUGHTER: Dad. We need you. We need you to chaperone.

RAY BRADSTONE: I SAW THE BEST LOVE OF MY GENERATION DESTROYED BY STANLEY. BALDING, HYSTERICAL, NAKED.

DAUGHTER: What.

RAY BRADSTONE: IT’S LIKE… IT’S LIKE I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE.

DAUGHTER: You know who you are.

RAY BRADSTONE: TELL ME.

DAUGHTER: You’re Ray Bradstone.

RAY BRADSTONE: …YOU’RE RIGHT. I AM.

DAUGHTER: Who are you?

RAY BRADSTONE: I’M RAY BRADSTONE!

DAUGHTER: AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?

RAY BRADSTONE: I’M RAY BRADSTONE!

DAUGHTER: …you’re gonna be a CHAPERONE, AM I RIGHT?

[Ray runs back and forth down the aisle of the bus]

RAY BRADSTONE: I’M RAY BRADSTONE! I’M RAY BRADSTONE! RAY BRADSTONE!


BEHIND THE SCENES:
The star of the film relaxes on set with his lady wife.


CHAPERONE DELETED SCENE:


Note from RD: Hey, I was right – this movie is horrible.

That deleted scene looks mighty awesome, though.

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