INDUCTION: Shadow Warriors 2 – This Ain’t Your Father’s Hulk Hogan Movie!

59 Submitted by on Thu, 24 November 2016, 20:00

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Movie, 1999

Several years back when my 400 disc Blu-Ray changer (yes, such a thing exists) conked out, I decided to move all my discs over to Plex.  For those of you unfamiliar with that bit of technology, just imagine all the DVDs and Blu-Rays you own magically transported to your own personal Netflix (and if you’re unfamiliar with that bit of technology, well, I can’t help you).  It wasn’t an overnight process to RIP all my discs; I had well over 1,000 DVDs, movies and TV series of all sorts on physical media.  But persistence and a small farm of computers working nonstop for a few weeks, and boom, I had it all at my finger tips.  Want to impress your friends?  Have them over to watch Captain America: Civil War, then right before the big fight scene at the airport where Ant-Man rips off Apache Chief, switch over to The Star Wars Holiday Special.

That’s the kind of power you have with Plex.

The power to alienate whatever friends you may have ever had.

With all the discs ripped, it didn’t make sense to have the cases out any longer.  All the discs wound up on spindles; the cases in giant crates thrown into the attic.  All that physical media was nowhere in sight…save for a stash I have on a shelf in my closet.

And they’re all wrestling DVDs.

Why I didn’t finish up and move these to Plex, I really don’t know.  It wouldn’t have taken THAT much longer to get those on there too, and I do have a select few DVDs on Plex.  The Bobby Heenan DVD is there, as are the Randy Savage releases.  But by and large, I’ve never bothered to move the other stuff over.  The other day I was in my closet staring at the space being wasted with that shelving unit and thought about finishing the job.

Then I saw this.

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Sweet Christmas.  Another Hulk Hogan movie.  Still in its shrink-wrap.  Someone must have sent it to me years ago (my money’s on The Big Cheese, Paul Kraft) and remembering the story of Pandora’s Box, I just never dared to open it.

But try as I may to run from the horrors of my past, in many ways, WrestleCrap.com was founded on schlocky Hogan movies.  It seemed like every other week I was inducting one of his cinematic disasters.  Santa with MusclesNo Holds BarredThunder in Paradise…I get douche chills just thinking about those.  And I’m a man and thus have absolutely no idea what that sensation even would be.  I just use the term because I laughed like a hyena when Triple Kelly mentioned that in an induction years ago.  Still, a lot of people look back fondly on those times so what the heck, let’s just dive in headfirst and see what kinda stupidity we get with Shadow Warriors 2 (aka Assault on Death Mountain)!

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The movie opens with a mysterious muscle man doing various karate poses on a beach.  We’re never shown his face, just his jacked up bod and flowing blonde hair.  Now if you are truly pondering who this mysterious martial arts master is, well…

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…you’ve not seen as many of these things as I have.  Consider yourself lucky.

On the other hand, you’ve lived your life without seeing cinematic glory such as this:

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Two minutes in, and I’m pretty sure I’ve already overrun my data limit for the site for the next six months.  I don’t care.  Hogan in a ridiculous wig doing high kicks into forward rolls climaxing by throwing ninja stars was worth whatever the folks hosting this site want to bill me.

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Hogan stars here as Mike, who leads a crack commando squad featuring the likes of Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers).  While Roy (Creed/Weathers, and yes I will refer to him as such) gets ready for battle by getting liquored up, we learn that Mike is more mystical in nature, preferring to rely on his dreams instead of standard recon intelligence.  I wish I could have been in the pitch session where “Hulk Hogan: ninja star throwing philosopher” was suggested (and then accepted!) as a viable movie hero.

Fast forward to San Domingo, where we get a drug deal going down featuring Gene Simmons’ girlfriend/wife/Playboy Playmate, Shannon Tweed.  Now if you were around in the 1990s, you’ll know her.  Especially if your video watching revolved around Cinemax After Dark.  The difference between this film and all the others?  Well, here Shannon remains clothed…

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…and speaks with the dirt worst hispanic accent you ever did hear as she seduces a DRUG LORD.  On second thought, maybe it’s not hispanic.  Could be Russian. Off chance Yugoslavian.

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Tell you what, I want you, yes YOU, the geek/nerd/poindexter/shut-in living in a Unabomber shack reading this, to listen to it, and post your (humorous please) guess in the comments section below.  Best answer by December 1 gets a free $10 PayPal for making me laugh.  I need amusement in my life, especially when I am writing about garbage like this.

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No sooner should I type “Shannon remains clothed” than she seduces some drug dealer by letting loose her Gookers.  Never thought I’d see nudity in a Hulk Hogan film, but…well…after the last couple years I guess I can’t really finish that sentence.  Still, watching something I think probably aired on TNT originally, gotta say that was pretty jarring to see.  Hulk Hogan doing flips AND nipples in the opening credits?

This movie ain’t messing around.

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From there we go to the JUNGLE, where Mike is running around with his commando unit.  As the team…you know, no, I can’t.  What the heck is up with Hogan’s hair there?  Did he seriously look in the mirror and think, “You know, this is a good look, brother!”  I mean, I guess the answer to that would be “yes” because we got this movie with that wig.  Ok, I will try to finish this induction without harping nonstop on that ‘do.  No promises.

The rainforest is home to the mansion of Gallindo, the cocaine kingpin Shannon was having fun with earlier.  The team takes out some of his henchman by placing explosives on their trucks and shooting them with blow darts.

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“Never jams!” Mike gleefully informs us.

The Hulkster descends on the Gallindo, only to be sabotaged by one of his own men, an evil Aussie.  Remember when Orndorff turned on Hogan?  Yeah, this was nothing like that.  I should also note that the main gangster looks like Stuart Smaller’s younger brother.

sw2-09“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.  And my drugs.  Probably mostly my drugs.”

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As Mike is playing bearskin rug to the nefarious nogoodnik, the rest of his team is being shot and nearly blown to smithereens in a sequence that lasts approximately the next six weeks.

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IMDB doesn’t list a budget for this cinematic opus, but I’ve gotta believe at least 94% of the money put into it went straight to the pyrotechnic crew.  Seriously, stuff just keeps blowing up to the point of comedy.  By the time it’s over, your retinas are in dire need of relief and you’re pretty much wanting to see Hogan kicked down a flight of stairs.

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I mean, sure, that’s always a good time, but more so after what I’ve been subjected to thus far.

Side note: my son came in just as I was finishing that animated GIF.  He had a question for me.

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“Is that Chewbacca?”

I know the site will be in good hands when he takes it over.

Mike…screw that, HOGAN…is taken before Gallindo, who promises to chop off his head and send it back to the States.  And he’s going to send that head back “STUFFED WITH COCAINE!”  I’d like to strike that Stuart Smalley insult back, as that is an awesome and very specific threat.

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Sadly his efforts to play taxidermist with Terry Bollea’s noggin using psychostimulants are thwarted as Shannon goes double agent, kicking him with a roundhouse and coming to the Hulkster’s aid.  And Hogan does his part by flinging throwing stars and then mightily tearing handcuffs apart with his mighty might.  The duo then take Gallindo hostage and head back into the jungle, with Shannon asking the Hulkster “Who the hell are you?” in a decidedly non-MexiRussian accent, before they snorkel away from the island.

Now if you read that and thought, “You know what would really make this great?  Hulk Hogan fighting with a shark in hand-to-jowl combat…

shark …followed by blowing up said shark with dynamite”…

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…today’s your lucky day!

And if you thought this film could not possibly get any better following that, I present you with…

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…JOHN KREESE SHOWING UP ON A SUBMARINE!

Yes – the dude who told Johnny to “sweep the leg” appears ON A U-BOAT!

Turns out that he is COMMANDER POWERS (!!!!!!!!!), Hogan’s superior officer.  But the Hulkster ain’t listening to him, brother!  He’s resigning from the Navy Seals to go after the dead body of a friend he left behind.  And Shannon Tweed is coming with him!

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Which we learn in the most absurdly framed shot in cinematic history!

Sadly, it did not hold this distinction long, as a mere two minutes later, we got Hulk Hogan laying on a hammock…

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…as lingerie-action Shannon Tweed looks on lustfully.

Somehow this transitions to The All-American Gymnastics Team getting an award and going to the Bahamas.  No idea how or what or why.  Just reporting the facts.

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And then, in a major swerve, it turns out the pilot is actually the guy that shanghai’ed Hogan earlier in the film.  He explains that if they do what they’re told, they’ll all get rich writing books about this ordeal.  If they don’t, they’ll be writing their obituaries.  Not to nit pick, but I’m pretty sure the timing of events would make that not even possible.

Anyway, they kidnap the team and will only release them if Gallindo is set free.  As you’d expect, the US government wants to cave in like pansies.  Now I know what you are thinking – who on earth could possibly save those flipping kids before the exchange is made?

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If you guessed John Kreese, Apollo Creed, Wacky Wig Hulk Hogan, and Shirtless Shannon Tweed, step up and claim your prize!

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Our amazing foursome immediately heads to the shark infested waters of Devil’s Island, with Kreese transporting Gallindo by plane while Apollo, Hogan, and Shannon go in underwater.  As Hogan was living in the Florida Keys and this is in the Bahamas, that’s quite the swim.

And hey, Devil’s Island?  Wasn’t this movie called Assault on Death Mountain?

Where’s the mountain?

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A bizarre stalemate is encountered, in which Kreese says he’s just going to fly around the island until he actually sees one of the hostages.  The Aussie responds by bringing one of  them out and having one of his cronies hoist them over their head.  I don’t know if that’s supposed to scare us or what – they kinda look like they’re doing a floor exercise.

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Naturally, the exchange doesn’t go as planned, as Gallindo simply tells his men to take Kreese hostage and to not release the prisoners.  Hmmm, that was kinda a stupid plan – it was just Kreese in a plane dropping off the villain to other villains holding guns.  What did he expect would happen?  And how was he supposed to take 27 gymnasts back in a plane that only held two people?

Meanwhile, Apollo and Shannon split up in an effort to rescue hostages.  And just as you’d expect, they get the guns out.

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And by “guns”, I of course mean “barely covered breasts.”

Meanwhile, Hulk fights yet another baddie utilizing advanced fighting techniques.

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And by “advanced fighting techniques”, I of course mean “goofy Street Fighter II kicks he would make fun of cruiserweight wrestlers for doing.”

Anyway, the real bad guys, Evil Aussie and Gallindo, attempt to make their escape aboard Kreese’s plane.  But if you thought the Hulkster was going to let them escape that easily?  No way, brother!  He hops in a boat (sadly not Kreese’s submarine) and chases after them…

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…and lassos them with a hook!  He then promptly tosses the Aussie into the water where’s devoured by sharks, which elicits the following reaction:

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Is Hogan happy here?  Sad?  Bemused?  Gassy?  You know that thing above where I asked for you to tell me what accent Shannon had?  Nix that.  Instead, you get the $10 for telling me the Hulkster’s innermost feelings in this image.

With the Aussie dead, Gallindo back in jail, and the acrobats rescued, there is but one thing left for our heroes to do:

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Deliver ice cream.

Well, that movie was about 67% what I was expecting.  Tough guy Hogan, evil nemesis, those you knew we were going to get.  Shannon Tweed going au naturale (well, as naturale as that much plastic will allow) not so much.  There were more explosions per frame in this film than any of the other Hogan films I’ve reviewed.  Not sure if that’s a plus or minus.  In the end, I mean, it was nowhere near as bad as  say Santa With Muscles, but that film didn’t feature Kreese showing up in a U-Boat, so it’s not really a fair comparison.

Man…how do I really feel about this one?

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Yep.  Exactly.

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Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
59 Responses to "INDUCTION: Shadow Warriors 2 – This Ain’t Your Father’s Hulk Hogan Movie!"
  1. Hulk6785 says:

    This movie (or, the first one) bugged me because it came out when Hogan was the top heel in WCW. And, I just didn’t like that Hollywood Hogan was playing the good guy in a movie.

  2. Matt Hickman says:

    it’s aPottsylvanian accent Tweed is five seconds form trying to kill moose and Squirrel

  3. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Yeah, I sent this to you a few years ago. You’re welcome, Deal! 🙂

  4. Geoff says:

    You know it’s going to be a good movie when you see Shannon’s hooters two minutes in (or anybody’s hooters for that matter). You know it’s going to be a great induction when you have a shrugging AJ Lee three paragraphs in. And I’m sure that is just what Hogan was thinking in that picture of him looking gassy almost like Chewbacca. Forever may you live RD Reynolds Jr!

  5. PlasticDiverGuy says:

    “I miss Thunder. There really was always a canal, or an inlet, or a fjord.”

  6. Sean Bateman says:

    I see your induction of sequel of Shadow Warriors, Deal, and raise you Shadow Warriors 1 AND Thunder in Paradise 3. You can escape them by letting Art “deal with them”.

  7. Rose Harmon says:

    I had the same thought. She sounds like the villain from Rocky and Bullwinkle.

  8. whorefinder says:

    Sorry, Hogan’s wig doesn’t look bad, I actually would’ve bought it if I hadn’t known who Hogan was. But its off-putting, like seeing Bruce Willis or Nic Cage in one; we’re just so used to bald, trying-to-hide-it Hogan (even in 1999) that it slaps us in the face.

  9. Walter Kovacs says:

    I’m pretty sure Hulk’s expression is “Wasn’t that Billy Drago? From the Untouchables and Brisco County Jr.?”

    • CF says:

      And an episode of Showtime’s _Masters of Horror_ which was so gobsmacking poor in quality Showtime never even bothered to air it?

    • Mister Forth says:

      Strange to see Weathers survive battling anyone with that name.

      Also, I think her Carpathian accent needs work. Lana sounds more natural.

  10. Flurry McDimples says:

    Not that I need the reward (I don’t even have Paypal), but I’ll give it my best shot anyway.

    Shannon first studied accents under the Swedish Chef, before she then studied under Sean Connery after his “brilliant” accents in Highlander. Not that he’d talk much, but she studied under him.

    Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan was in fact feeling guilty for killing that first shark. He kept wrestling with his own thoughts, wondering how its family was going to survive now that the bacon bringer*. But then he finally realised how he could make it up to them. That final expression is the end of a long internal struggle. It is Hogan’s redemption. And it is beautiful.

    *Hey, humans are called the “long pig” of meat for a reason, so close enough.

  11. Garrett Edward Spears says:

    I checked out imdb and I believe you watched Shadow Warrios and not Shadow Warriors 2. Because the plot on the page http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118645/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 says: “Hulk Hogan leads an elite Navy SEALS team chosen for an audacious mission to rescue a group of nationals being held captive by a drug lords soldiers who want their leader released.” This is the one I believe aired on TNT.

  12. DarthPitch says:

    Wait, so was Hogan taking over the Sonny Chiba role? And they set it in modern times instead of feudal Japan? XD

    Bonus points to anybody who gets THAT reference.

  13. DarthPitch says:

    And they should have just had June Foray dub in Shannon’s “accent”. Would have been more convincing.

  14. Andrew says:

    I actually remember this. Yeah she had an accent that sounding like hey go watch some old Rocky and Bullwinkle commercials. Ah yes but Shannon Tweed and Cinemax After Dark, got me through High School and College lol

    Maybe Hogan was thinking the meaning of life or how he was going to sue and destory Gawker in the future.

  15. John Q Occupier says:

    Is it my imagination, or is that Kano from the terrible Mortal Kombat movie playing the Evil Aussie?

  16. CP says:

    Shannon Tweed’s voice sounds like the love child of Chyna and Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB. Which probably puts me in the danger zone.

  17. Dr.Gonzo says:

    Hogan Gots to poop.
    ‘Nuff said, true believers.

  18. Doc 902714 says:

    Shannon Tweed is from my home and native land, Canada, and is from the province of Newfoundland & Labrador. And she sounds LOVELY.

    >>Listens to audio clip after posting above<<

    WTF! Her accent is even worse than Lana's

    Also Hogan looks indifferent.

  19. Gold Standard says:

    Shannon Tweed’s accent sounds like she just got done with a 30 minute tonsil hockey session with her husband and he totally shredded her vocal chords.

    As far as Hogan’s expression……I think he is contemplating how many more runs in WWE he has after this movie goes Triple Platinum Brother!

  20. Worst Ever says:

    Shannon Tweed’s accent is Marge Gunderson doing a drunken impression of Mata Hari.

  21. John C says:

    I would ascribe The Hulkster’s somewhat satisfied look to realizing his bank account will be bigger because of the Gawker decision but tentativeness to it because he has to pull the check out of Bubba the Love Sponges’ boxer shorts. And Bubba is wearing them sitting spread eagle on a bean bag seat eating a tub of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Watching other better Shannon Tweed movies when she doesn’t use an accent that would make a 1990’s videogame cut scene voiceover acctress laugh with embarrassment over how awful it sounds.

    As a bonus the movie does provide a handy tip for Thanksgiving next year, instead of using stuffing to fill the turkey’s orifice why not try cocaine instead? It’ll make the conversations around the table more lively and prevent the sluggish feeling of eating so much turkey afterwards.

  22. Shockwave says:

    Hogan is probably wondering why even his wig seems to be receeding. Also, Mortal Kombat was an exquisite movie!

  23. 80's Guy says:

    Hogan’s thoughts are really very simple.

    “That reminds me, I AM getting hungry….. maybe I’ll hit that seafood buffet on the docks.”

    Either that, or he’s thinking of his own one liner that he so wants to ad-lib…..

    “Surf’s up, CHUM.” Get it? Chum? Sharks?

    I’ll see myself out.

  24. CF says:

    Randy “The Ram” Robinson was right:

    “The ’90s sucked”.

    😉

  25. Jerry Graham says:

    That ‘Aussie’ is actually English and played an ‘Aussie’ on an episode of Baywatch once (he was an evil lifeguard who wanted to get revenge on Mitch) without changing his accent at all. He wandered around with a broad cockney accent talking about Kangaroo stories and whips and such. I doubt he did a better job with the accent in this one.

  26. Joseph Paul says:

    “So…this is what douche chills feel like.”

  27. RobVanDamIsABallerina says:

    Hogan thoughts…
    “Wow, what a load of crap this movie was. Well at least my daughter will grow up to be a huge pop star so I can retire and never make hideous movies or embarrass my self in the ring again.”

    Or…
    “Yerrrp”

  28. Brad Essex says:

    Hogan thinking did I leave the iron on and that brother bruti better turn it off BROTHER!!

  29. Mav says:

    “That’s it, brother. That’s a sure fire moneymaker. The Yapapi Indian Strap Match.”

  30. Ryan says:

    Hogan is thinking, “this is the most embarrassing film I’ll ever be in.” And to this day he is right.

  31. Gerard says:

    And the Terry Hogan at the movies trend is not done yet!!! Rumors say for what is supposed to be the last expendables movie sly Stallone has been talking to just about every movie tough guy who wasn’t in the first three films and both Hogan and the Rock are on the possible list of guys who are in talks to do cameos

  32. MistaMaddog says:

    Ok how many when they saw the title thought, “Who wants some Lo Wang?”

  33. Derek says:

    Hogan was trying to think up some witty one-liner, but could only come up with lame options like, “Shark happens”, or “That was jawsome”….so he gave up and just thought about the mediocre breakfast catering served that morning.

  34. Geoff says:

    JEESUS, they are making an Expendables 4. The first one was great. The second was good. The third one, man that was so bad I turned it off halfway through. When will Sly give it up. Give it up SLY! Which reminds me that the Fast and Furious franchise should have been over 4 movies ago as well as the Pirates of the Carribbean movies. But they insist on bringing him back for a 5th one. And Shadow Warriors 2 was one Shadow Warrior movie too many just like his Thunder in Paradise. All right, I’ll stop ranting and raving and see myself out to see if the Wrestlecrap crickets have returned from Thanksgiving yet.

    …Sorry, one more thing: if Sly is looking for tough guys, he should try Vin Diesel. Half Hogan’s age I might add.

  35. Justin Henry says:

    The accent is Latvian Unorthodox

  36. Justin Henry says:

    Hogan’s hair was an homage to Nicolas Cage’s in Con Air. The working title of this film was, “Shouldn’t Air.”

  37. Justin Henry says:

    Hogan’s silently noting the irony of once having used his old friend Ed Leslie to go infiltrate a doomsday cult as a face-painted schizoid in order to bring down a man called Shark, and now a school of John Tenta’s apparently offspring have devoured Crocodile Smalley as an act of good faith toward The Hulkster.

  38. Mike Petrasek says:

    That accent has to be Parts Unknown!

  39. Hew says:

    “Bret, honestly, do you really think you can carry the company??”

  40. Hew says:

    “Really Bret, do you honestly think that YOU can carry this company??”

  41. SCLSCL says:

    I wonder if this movie is where Seth Rollins took the inspiration for his look…

  42. Tentakil Rex says:

    It is clear Tweed’s character is speaking Romulan but it is not her native language…

  43. A-bomb says:

    “Ya know, maybe I should make a sex tape with Shannon. It’s not like there’s some website out there to leak things like that. On second thought, nah, Linda and I have a good thing that will last forever.”

  44. John C says:

    Hulk contemplates whether executing The Fingerpoke of Doom on Shannon Tweed will make her go down just as easy as Kevin Nash.

  45. John C says:

    Hulk eagerly hears news of his starring role in the remake of the Swedish classic, I Am Curious (Red & Yellow)

  46. Joey says:

    I hear her voice and I am reminded of that famed Scott Hall impressionist, Rick Bognar.

  47. Jerm says:

    Hogan: “My hair finally looks how I’ve imagined it’s always looked.”

  48. AK says:

    I think it’s fascinating that Carl Weathers (who I will refer to as Chubbs in tribute to the character he played in Happy Gilmore, one of the 2 and half good movies staring Adam Sandler) rubbed shoulders with three WWE Hall of Famers, Hogan and with Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator.

    As for what Hogan’s thinking..Wondering why they never made a movie about Thunder Lips.

    Oh wait, that’s what I’m thinking.

  49. Ze Frenchie says:

    Hulk Hogan’s inner thoughts: “I would have never jobbed to a Shark”. Much to John Tenta’s dismay.

  50. Thun says:

    Maybe that accent is based out of the long lost islands of Jan Mayen?

  51. Jimbolian says:

    Well if Hogan reaches a tentative deal to come back to WWE; maybe they can put all that makeup and hair plugs back in from Shadow Warriors 2 and call him Seth Rollins’ daddy.

  52. Gabriel Benson says:

    Hogan: “Gene’s old lady, yeahhhhh, wait Hep C, oh man?!” Hulks Out.

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