INDUCTION: Rebel vs. Shelly Martinez – You Guys Didn’t Vote For It…But I Sure Did!

49 Submitted by on Thu, 09 February 2017, 20:00

Impact Wrestling, 2016

Spoiler alert: I didn’t vote for WrestleMania 32 in the 2016 Gooker Award poll.

Also, do I need to do a “spoiler alert” disclaimer when it’s something that is already past?  I suppose not.

In hindsight, I can’t blame anyone for voting for Mania 32 as the worst thing they’d seen in 2016.  Try as I might in penning that induction, I legitimately ran out of jokes mocking just how long that thing was.  I remember seeing that counter…man, right after the Steve Austin stuff, right there.

I will remember that to my last breath clear as day.

Yeah, three and a half hours to go.

Confession time: I strongly considered making up a bogus story about how I had fallen gravely ill and thus couldn’t finish the induction when I saw that.  More than that, it had me rethinking what I had done with my life that warranted me spending what was going to be way more than 3.5 hours watching, video grabbing, and writing about this horrendous show.  At that point, I also began to wonder why on earth I didn’t simply rig the voting to make sure I didn’t have to live through it again.  But I didn’t, and so you got the induction that you all so clearly wanted.  (And if you missed it, it’s right here.)

But hey, today is my chance to write about what I voted for, namely one of the most laughably bad matches I’ve ever seen in my 30+ years of watching pro wrestling.  It’s what I’ve wanted to write about since the day it first happened, and I am thrilled to pen this induction.

And it’s not just because of the counter, which here means 10 minutes and not 10 hours.

Laugh if you want, but at the rate things are going, Mania 40 may reach that mark.

Also, I’ve liked Rebel since…well…

“HOLYTOLEDOLOOKATTHOSESHORTS.”

Yes, she has a soft spot in my heart for helping Knux in his attempt to fix his family’s arcade.  Because, as I noted on the site a couple weeks ago, I’ve helped open an arcade for charity.  Maybe she’d come help our arcade too?

Hopefully while wearing those shorts?

Eh, probably not after this induction.

So let’s meet her opponent for this evening, the one and only Shelly Martinez!   You may remember her from the good ol’ (and by ‘good ol” we do mean ‘horrible ol”) WWE version of ECW where she was Ariel, an evil gal who who managed a vampire.

A vampire named KEVIN.

Seriously, I want to talk to the people who came up with that poor guy’s name.  I mean, sure, I can buy a vampire with a last name of “Thorn.”  That makes sense.  But a vampire with the first name of “Kevin”?  Not so much.

Anyway, she is now past the chapter of her life when she was hanging out with vampires with stupid names and has matured into…

…a weirdo Day of the Dead vixen!

She explains to us that she is thrilled to be back in the Impact Zone (I legit don’t remember her ever being there in the first place).  Also, her grandmother, the only one who ever believed in her dreams of being a wrestler, passed away.  What better way to honor her, she pines, than to wrestle while also reconnecting with her Mexican roots.  So she slapped on a sombrero and some face paint, and is now going to be Mrs. Dia de los Muertos!

I should also note that WordPress wants to change that to Mrs. Dia de los Metros.  As a kind soul on Facebook pointed out, “I will admit, “Dia de los Metros” is much more funny–I’m now picturing Shelly in charge of a local train station.”  So I’ve tweaked this induction to include both.

Now where was I?  Oh yeah, the interview.  She finishes by vowing to kill Rebel.  I guess that would also honor her granny.

Fortunately, she does not follow through on this threat until Rebel does her full ring entrance, which includes doing the splits onto the ropes while wearing, oh yes, THOSESHORTS.  She is also dressed as either a color guard leader or perhaps a boat captain.

I bet if TNA made a Rebel version of this shirt…

…Dixie would have never needed to sell the company.

This match took place during Rebel’s stint in the Dollhouse, a heel stable in the company that came out to Hole’s Doll Parts, which may have been the greatest theme in TNA history.  The faction was originally founded by your friend and mine, Taryn Terrell, aka WWECW’s Tiffany.

YAY indeed!

Man was Tiff GREAT in this role, an absolutely perfect annoying heel, something she probably should have been from day one in wrestling.  Like legit one of my favorite heel ladies in the past 10 years.  If you’ve never seen any of the Dollhouse, take it from me, it’s worth hunting down her feud with Gail Kim if for no other reason than this absolutely killer bit where she attempted to steal her husband, Robert Irvine.

She did so wearing this outfit.

I should note this was mere months after she had given birth.

Amazing.

Eventually, Taryn left the business and Rebel became the leader of the Dollhouse, and as such was a heel throughout the remainder of her run with the company.  Why I feel the need to impart such knowledge on you is a mystery.  Onto the match!

So the pair go for a lock up and…ok, stop.  I find Shelly Martinez to be an attractive enough woman, but that outfit is anything but flattering.

Or should I say BUTT flattering?

Wow, that’s terrible.  Do people actually still visit this site? And will they continue to do so after reading that line?

Shelly takes control early with an arm drag then a couple goofy submission attempts, before finally laying into her foe with a leg lariat.  Rebel sells this by doing the splits then grabbing her own nether regions.

GRABBING HER OWN NETHER REGIONS I say.

Thankfully Rebel is able to regain her bearings, and turns the match in her favor with a Roddy Piper style eye poke!

And by that, I mean an eye poke so terrible Roddy would have jabbed his fingers into his own eye sockets to avoid having to watch it.

Rebel then puts Shelly into this hold.  I’m not sure what it is supposed to accomplish.  When you put someone in a hold, I’ve always been taught it should look like something that would cause the opponent pain.  Here, the only thing I could possible see in any agony would be Rebel’s elbow, which I don’t think is supposed to bend that way.

Somehow that leads to THIS maneuver, and I do know what it is supposed to hurt – Shelly’s vagina.

How do I know this?  Because Shelly starts screaming, and I quote, “MY VAG!  MY VAG!”

Jeremy Borash: “That’s an abdominal stretch…wait, now it’s a….uhhhhhh…I’ve seen a lot of wrestling.  Sometimes you just have to sit back and see who’s victorious.”

If Borash doesn’t win Announcer of the Year in the 2016 Observer awards, I demand a recount.

Next we get some hair pulls and then…

…whatever this is.  Like literally, I have zero idea.  Not sure who it’s supposed to hurt, not sure what it even was.  In fact, the filename is whateverthisis.gif in honor of my bafflement.

Go ahead, right click and save, you’ll see for yourself.

This leads to Rebel somehow winding up outside, attempting to catch her breath from this grueling contest.  Shelly, seeing her prey in such a precarious state, builds up a head of steam, charges, and then…

…kinda sorta lands upside down in the ropes with her butt hanging out.

I’ve watched this part of the match at least 50 times, and I have yet to come up with any possible explanation as to what was supposed to happen here.  Maybe one of you could explain it to me in the comments section below.

Anyhoo, it’s enough for Rebel to roll back into the ring, grab Shelly by her injured vag, and score the pin.

As I leave you this evening, I do so with a word of advice.  Should any young woman reading this ever wish to honor their grandmother in a wrestling match, as Shelly did here, please don’t use this as a template.

Somehow I doubt Nana would want to see you flat on your back for the three count after screaming in pain about your vag.

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Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
49 Responses to "INDUCTION: Rebel vs. Shelly Martinez – You Guys Didn’t Vote For It…But I Sure Did!"
  1. Cpt SuckerPunch says:

    Yay for including my favorite ever someone bought this in the form of man-boat mike.

  2. ChrisV says:

    When did this match even happen?
    I watched most episodes of TNA in 2016, and I did not see this match. I cannot believe I would ever forget watching this abomination.

    • Peter Smith says:

      It was a One Night Only PPV

    • mfm519 says:

      it was one of the tna one night only ppv’s (which makes this even worse, since these are taped months in advance, and yet, they aired the match as is. no reshoot, no, “let’s just run an backstage angle to take shelly and rebel out of the tourney” (it was a women’s tourney match, btw)

    • The Lunatic Binge says:

      I think it was a one night only(yeah, sure) knockouts special

  3. Peter Smith says:

    She was the Manager for LAX back in 2008

  4. The Chuck says:

    I know I saw a recap of this somewhere else, and the best anyone could come up with is that Rebel was supposed to blast her with some sort of foreign object to stop her attack(leaving her dangling in the ropes), and that Rebel missed the cue.

  5. Sean Bateman says:

    This is worse than Jenna vs Sharmell and That Gayda Match!

  6. Big Jim says:

    Shelly popped up quite a few years ago in TNA dressed in a full jumpsuit and in cahoots with LAX. The announcers did their damnedest to make everyone think it was a guy (she wore a bandana over her face), but it was pretty obvious that wasn’t true.

  7. Michael says:

    If this doesn’t win Worst Worked Match of the Year in this year’s Observer awards. I demand a recount and a reason for what could’ve been worse.

  8. Preparation Triple H says:

    As Bryan Alvarez would say (or probably said):

    MINUS! FIVE! STARS!

  9. Vealchop says:

    Great induction Deal. This is what I voted for too. While WM was live this was a pre-recorded match and they still aired it.

  10. Mister Forth says:

    Leadership went from Tiffany being in charge, to Kong until she was fired, to bring Rebel in charge.

    Man this match was bad. At least Jenna and Sharmell were unintentionally funny, but this was just bad.

  11. Jeremy says:

    The first spot looks like a really terribly botched hurricanrana, where Shelly couldn’t get her legs all the way up, and so Rebel follows with a spin like she would normally so as to not let Shelly drop on her head. The second one looks to me like Shelly tried a suicide dive but Rebel was badly out of position so she pulled short…. maybe…. It’s a bit baffling to be honest.

  12. Jim says:

    As bad as this was, I couldn’t bring myself to vote for a one-off match as a Gooker, but definitely worthy of an induction.

  13. CF says:

    To paraphrase Deadpool: This match did to Women In Wrestling what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late ’90s….

  14. #OPC says:

    I miss BigNippledVampire.com (and the phrase is true right now…I bet that URL’s not taken!)

    #WideAroundAsDinnerPlates

  15. John C says:

    Excellent induction, you really seemed to be thinking outside of the box on this one.

  16. JimbobJones says:

    This was a horrible match, but to be Gooker-worthy, IMO, it needs to be bad AND big… something that was either the cause of or result of extremely poor decision-making. Wrestlemania was both of those things, and such a LONG mess that’s indicative of all that was wrong with WWE this year.

    This match, craptacular as it was, just doesn’t measure up. (Or down)

  17. JustAGuyGuy says:

    I remember when this first happened thinking “This is both a really bad match and the greatest double-stick tape commercial they’ve ever made.”

  18. Tomas Elliot says:

    If you look closely, you see that Shelly didn’t stumble or slip when coming through the ropes, she purposefully slowed down and caught herself into the ropes. So yeah, I think that the thing was planned: she was SUPPOSED to end up hanging in the rope, most likely as a result of being hit in the head by something as she came through the ropes, like a punch, a kick or a foreign object. However, Rebel forgot or was out of position, and thus the whole thing ended up looking stupid. As others have said in earlier comments, Bryan Alvarez theorized as much in his review of this.

    Also, something I should point out: the worst part is not that Shelly was screaming “My vag! My vag!”. The worst part is that, at that exact moment, the ref asked her “So? What do you say?” (as in, he wanted to know if she would quit), to which she replied “I SAID THAT MY VAG HURTS!”. The clip linked cuts just as she does so :p

  19. Kev says:

    Well, Shelly WAS in TNA before. She was part of LAX not long after her departure from WWE, working under the name Salinas. I’ve always had a soft spot for Shelly….well, until this match. While I’m inclined to cut Shelly a tiny bit of slack for pretty much being made of ring rust at this point in her career, the problems of this match go way beyond our favorite big-nippled vampire having been out of the business for so long she actually FORGOT how to wrestle. Bless Rebel, she really, really tried to carry this sack of turds to something resembling a wrestling match, but Great Caesar’s tapdancing ghost, what was anyone involved in this match THINKING?

    • Al Lobama says:

      And that right there is the reason why the Observer crew considered this match worse than Sharmell vs. Jenna. Their match was terrible, but it was one non-wrestler against a former Nitro Girl with only a handful of matches to her credit. There’s no way that match couldn’t have been bad. Rebel and Shelly, on the other hand, are both OVW trained wrestlers with over a decade of wrestling experience between then (Shelly started wrestling in 2005, Rebel in 2014). They should have been able to have a watchable match at the very least, but instead turned in something more awful than the performers with little to no experience gave us.

      On a side note, I just realized that TNA has given us three negative five star matches in the last decade. Besides Rebel vs. Shelly and Sharmell vs. Jenna, there’s also Sting vs. Jeff Hardy from Victory Road, and all three of those matches are Wrestlecrap inductees now.

  20. Matt McGovern says:

    Shelly was in TNA from I think 2007-2008. She was manager of LAX and was in the Gauntlet for first-ever Knockout’s Champion at Bound for Glory ’07.

    And thanks for inducting! This is what I voted for, too. I actually saw it for a good laugh and shock value.

  21. Al Lobama says:

    The best explanation for the “Shelly catching herself in the ropes” botch was that the spot as intended was possibly supposed to be Rebel cutting off the dive with a foreign object/loaded punch, but Rebel forgot that was the next spot. Since that was the plan, Shelly still sold as if she had been hit in the head with a weapon and crumpled instead of completing the dive, and since that was supposed to the finish Rebel rolled her up and pinned her anyway.

    This was my vote for the Gooker as well. It was bad, it was stupid, and it was fun bad and stupid! As I mentioned in the Gooker voting thread,a little over half a year agoI showed this match to a wrestling buddy of mine who I had been friends with for almost twenty years, and he hasn’t spoken to me since. The match was so bad that it actually killed a friendship, and if that doesn’t make it Gooker worthy then I don’t know what does! ; )

  22. Jerm says:

    These GIFs are making it very awkward to read what should be a pretty benign article at work.

  23. Overdrive says:

    You know, after carefully studying that GIF of Rebel dressed sort of like a captain while doing the bouncy splits on the ropes, I’ve come to the conclusion that Mike Rotunda is pretty mad she wasn’t around during that one period in old-timey WCW/NWA/whatever it was then.

    The time where he went from being “captain” of The Varsity Club to being Cap’n Mike and hanging out with Trucker Norm (formerly Norman the Lunatic and then various other WC entries). Because that had to be the low point of his career, life, etc., but if she was around doing that back then as his “captain’s assistant”, he’d be the happiest midcarder/jobber-to-the-stars in the world.

  24. Si says:

    Ah, the Dollhouse. Their first leader Taryn hated it so much she quit wrestling and found religion instead, the second leader Rebel… well, look here, Awesome Kong somehow ended up as leader for what seemed like seconds before she was fired, they came out to a song that couldn’t have fit the gimmick less – even for Hole songs, wouldn’t Celebrity Skin have worked far better? – but Billy Corgan had access to clear it for use, Marti is now out of the company as well, and while at least Jade got to break out she now openly says she hated it too.

    • KatieVictoriasSecret says:

      And Corgan has a writing credit for Celebrity Skin! So I don’t know why they wouldn’t have gone with that song first.

  25. KatieVictoriasSecret says:

    It’s jawdropping to me that a major promotion actually put this match on the air on a pay per view and expected their audience not to question their logic. Both women look like they’re sleepwalking out there, and somehow they made me feel sorry for Jeremy Borash of all people.

  26. Gerard says:

    you know your in trouble when even the commentators look at the match and say yea we’re not sure what the hell shes trying to do there with that move either?

  27. Caveman says:

    Well…at least they worked a body…cavity?

  28. Big Daddy Strong says:

    I’ll take your word for it that this was as bad as you say. Just going by what I read though, my thought is Rebel is just god awful as an in ring talent and Shelly’s not really really all that great either….definitely not enough to carry anyone.

    But Rebel’s got those shorts going on and Shelly is sexy. As far as Divas and Knockouts go, Shelly’s in my top 5. Along with Beth Phoenix, Asuka and Mickie James circa the mid 2000s. I like to keep the 5 spot flexible. Anyway the point is it seems like this match was booked as two hot pieces of ass with almost no wrestling ability whatsoever.

    I can’t say I really blame whoever wanted to see them “in action” together, it was just the wrong kind of action. I know Shelly’s down for some “candid” photography (wink wink nudge nudge say no more) and I have a hunch it wouldn’t take too much arm twisting or vag twisting as the case may be to get her to be a sport about it.

    BELIEVE THAT!

  29. Alexandru says:

    Honestly this match is overblown it’s no worse than the average woman’s match from 2009-2012. Plus it had that goofy “My Vag” line

  30. Citizen Kane Dewey says:

    As someone who has watched a lot of horrible indie wrestling throughout Louisiana and Mississippi, I have possible explanations for WhateverThisIs.GIF and also the finish….

    WhateverThisIs.GIF appears to be a failed head scissor. Whether this botch is more on Shelly not committing to it or Rebel catching her but not guiding her through the rest of the move is anyone’s guess, but as someone who has seen a lot of beer-bellied “cruiserweights” on the indie scene botch head scissors, it looked an awful lot like their pathetic attempts!

    Props, I guess, to Shelly for at least attempting to turn that botch into something.

    Now the finish…I forget which Youtube show I heard this on, but in the days following the match when I was searching for it on Youtube and only found reviews, the commentators guessed that Rebel was out of place for the finish. Shelly looks like she was expecting to get hit by something, which would explain her effort to get tangled in the ropes.Without Rebel committing to…whatever they planned (foreign object, maybe? But if so, why do that directly in front of the ref?!?!)…all we saw was Shelly selling a phantom punch so blatant Rebel didn’t even bother making a fist.

    Either that, or two crappy wrestlers tried an innovative arm drag variation that looked like crap and the finish was pure LOLTNA. Strong possibility that’s the real explanation.

  31. James says:

    Besides Ariel, I only know her for dating a certain indy wrestler/cab driver for a time. And, well, this.

  32. Adnan Ahmed says:

    I think Shelly Martinezs was going for a dive and then stopped in that position cus her boobs began to fall out…as she struggled most of the match to keep them in. Also she was in TNA as apart of LAX as Salinas.

  33. MistaMaddog says:

    A.) I’ve already commented this as surpassing “That Jackie Gaydna Match” in crapness on the It Came From YouTube version, or I think I did…

    B.) I lumped this in “All Things TNA” so it already got my vote on the straight party ballot.

    C.) “I mean, sure, I can buy a vampire with a last name of “Thorn.” That makes sense. But a vampire with the first name of “Kevin”? Not so much.”

    Try playing that Castlevania game on the PS2 where you fight a vampire named Walter…and before you do he yells, “Then BEAT ME!!”

  34. Anonymous says:

    I usually find “WORST MATCH EVER” matches to be overhyped and not QUITE as bad as people say they are and always insist that there are obscure matches out there that are even worse, BUT…

    This might legit be the overall worst match in professional wrestling history. It really has to be a contender for that title at the very least.

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