NEW JAPAN, 1994
Not gonna lie, this was NOT the induction I was planning for this week.
I had a few other ideas. I was pondering going back one more time to the Piledriver VHS and doing another in-depth, scene by scene breakdown of maybe Girls in Cars or Jive Soul Bro. I’d kicked around going completely off the rails, and reviewing an Asian wrestling movie. I thought about putting the gas mask on and going through some old TNA shows, which has been woefully overlooked on this site dedicated to all the worst of pro wrestling.
So many horrible choices.
But let’s be serious – when someone unearths a Nailz vs. El Gigante match that hasn’t seen the light of day in 20 years, was there really any choice? Pretty sure both guys were inducted when I first launched the site, so you could almost argue this is the match we’ve all been waiting for the last 17 years. More than that actually, as RAINBOW VISION WRESTLECRAP (check that out on your own by clicking here!) had been bringing them online notoriety since April 1, 2000:
Yep, there’s Nailz, surrounded by neon letters and glow aplenty. Like seriously, I bet there are monitor test patterns that aren’t that vibrant.
Backstory, he was a convict who had been put in the slammer for reasons never fully explained, though Bobby Heenan claimed it was an unpaid parking ticket. It just so happened he was incarcerated in Cobb County, Georgia, where he apparently didn’t read the signs, didn’t respect the law and order. So he wound up serving hard times. And got beaten in the prison by the Big Bossman. Upon his release, he hunted his tormentor down in a feud that we’d all be best to forget.
Still, I like that he was so unhinged that he literally wore his prison suit everywhere he went. I mean, sure, Duke “the Dumpster” Droese was a garbage man, but you could almost suspend your disbelief and convince yourself that he had been collecting garbage right up to when it was time to head to the arena and didn’t have time to change before he got into the ring.
But if you go by that same logic with this guy, he’d have just gotten out of prison and then dropped off at the arena. Further, this would also mean the next night, he’d just arrested, and somehow gotten out of the joint AGAIN. What kind of crime was he committing that he was getting thrown back in prison night after night, only to be released scant hours later?
Maybe The Brain’s parking ticket theory wasn’t so far fetched after all.
And then we have El Gigante, a guy who was such a main stay that he was part of the original header graphic of the site:
Yep, just to the right of Papa Shango. What warranted him such a spot of honor? Simple: he may be the single worst wrestler I’ve ever seen.
Well, it was either him or this guy.
Notice how it says El Gigante is “A Giant Waste” and Giant Gonzalez is “A Big Furry Giant Waste”? Ha ha ha, I’m so funny. No wonder you kids keep coming back to visit.
The story here is Jorge Gonzalez was a former basketball player who wasn’t quite good enough for the NBA. WCW, in their ever infinite wisdom, decided to take a flyer on him and throw him into the ring and see what he may be able to do. The fact that he was one of our very first double dips should tell you all you need to know.
Still, maybe you are a newcomer and need a bit more convincing just how atrocious both these folks were. Today’s your lucky day!
Nailz vs. El Gigante took place during the 1994 New Japan G1 Tournament.
I’ll wait while you pick yourself up off the floor.
Seriously, this actually happened. Someone thought pitting these two wrestlers who are awful beyond belief in a tournament that is usually awesome beyond belief was a good idea.
This HAD to have been a rib.
And I for one appreciate it!
I mean, just walking to the ring was a challenge enough for poor El. I’ve seen telephone poles that have shown better mobility. So seeing that, you want to throw him in the ring with Nailz?
This Nailz, of the WWF Nailz?
Did no one see that Bossman feud? Or worse yet, his matches with the Undertaker?
Ok, I’ve stalled long enough. Ring the bell!
And the action is underway with the two battling in classic pugilistic style.
Oh who am I kidding, it’s Gigante hitting Nailz right square on top of the head. I can only assume that the national sport of Argentina is Whack-A-Mole.
Nailz counters with a Greco-Roman eye rake. It’s a vicious maneuver. If you were to question the heinous nature of such an act, Gigante sells it as though he’s just been sprayed in the face with sulfuric acid.
This match is like two moves old and it’s already surpassing just how hideous I thought it would be. Well played, gentlemen!
A choke hold follows.
At least I think it’s a choke hold.
I’d normally not question what it is, but I’ve never seen the particular maneuver applied while banging ones head as if you’re at a Mötley Crüe concert.
Kickstart my Heart, Big Man!
Then we get this. You may be asking why I switched to a JPG instead of the animated GIFs I’d been using. The answer is this still shot would have just as many frames of movement. No joke, the big guy wraps his ham hocks around Nailz’ neck/shoulders, while the convict gently brushes Gigante’s furry upper torso.
I pet my dog in the same manner.
Eventually Nailz gets the upper hand, and attempts to…
…throw Gigante out of the ring? I think?
But the big guy just decides to stop in his tracks instead, and we get just want you wanted…
OR HEAD BANGING!
I don’t know about you, but I am getting kinda tired of that. You know what I want?
More windmill punches to the top of Nailz’ noggin!
You know who else threw punches like that?
Yup, big Sid.
Did I mention that those two actually had a match, a stretcher match I should note, and it may have even been somehow worse than this one?
Did I mention you can read about it in the archives?
If that doesn’t get you to donate $14.95 to the site, I don’t know what would.
Nailz attempts to whip the big guy out of the corner, but Gigante counters with his SUPER FROWNY FACE.
All this hard work appears to have both guys completely blown up, as a whip into the corner is followed up by a very slow staggering across the ring.
I know we all make fun of Kevin Nash as Oz, but as I look at that movement, I can’t help but think that dressing Gonzalez up as Frankenstein would have been a license to print money.
Still, he is able to catch his second wind and hit the worst clothesline you ever did see.
Every second this match gets worse, and every second I love it even more.
Just when I think it can’t get any better, Gigante traps Nailz in the most gooftastic claw hold ever. The convict sells this move by doing what has to be his imitation of a three year old learning how to swim.
Sadly, the claw leads to the end of the match. Aww man, I could have watched this for at least another 45 seconds or so.
Sadder still, we never got a rematch of this amazing encounter. You know how I feel about that?
Yep, you said it, big guy!