INDUCTION: Adrian Adonis’ Assistants, Mr. Bruce and Jack Darling – Just What You’d Expect from 1986 (or 2016) WWF!

40 Submitted by on Thu, 18 August 2016, 20:00

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WWF, 1986

From the “You Don’t Need to Be Gary Spivey to Know This Won’t End Well” file comes this tidbit, courtesy of our pals over at f4wonline.com:

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No.

No no no no no no no no no.

NO.

Wait, that wasn’t quite large and bold enough.

NO!

Please please please, WWE, please…just…don’t.

Please?

I’m asking nicely?

I say that because history has shown us pro wrestling’s handling of such characters is, shall we say, questionable at best.  No matter the original intent, the ending is always the same, a disaster of the most stereotypical nature imaginable, generally offending the same folks they are trying to spotlight.

Of course everyone remembers the absolutely ‘fabulous’ couple of Billy & Chuck.  They were presented to fans on Smackdown! with imagery such as this:

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And to be fair, it’s not just WWE.  Who could possibly forget Orlando Jordan’s TNA stint, during which he had the hots for co-worker Rob Terry to such a degree that he squirted white cream all over himself on live television and then licked it off his lips?

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Seriously, who on planet earth can possibly read this…

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…and think, “Yes, this is going to go great!  Can’t wait to see it!”????

Going back so far as Gorgeous George, this industry has done little, nay, I say NOTHING to prove it has the ability to portray any such characters in anything remotely close to a positive light.

So we’re going to go down this path yet one more time and expect different results?

From WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT?

Who could POSSIBLY think this is in any way, shape, or form a good idea?

AJLee

Exactly.

While Billy, Chuck, and Orlando are perhaps more well known to newer fans, older farts like myself remember a gay character from the 1980s by the name of “Adorable” Adrian Adonis.  And I note his sexual preference since he made it very clear on the infamous Tuesday Night Titans (TNT).

It went a little something like this.

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And thus he announced that he in fact was a homosexual, which led to massive boos from the audience and Vince doing…something, I am not sure what…with his hand and his mouth.

To be honest, looking at said image, I am very content to not know what he was doing.

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But hey, it was TNT and we got to meet not one, but TWO of Adrian’s assistants.  Why, I bet they won’t be cliched or insulting in any way, shape or form!

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First up, let’s meet Adrian’s stylist, Jack Darling.  He offers to shake Vince’s hand, which I would strongly advise against after his earlier antics.  Despite Jack’s goodwill gesture, Vince declines stating that he has to keep it on his microphone.  That’s probably for the best.  Jack explains that he’s here to make Adrian look “even more beautiful!” in a very, shall we say, FLAMBOYANT manner.

I’m honestly not sure what to tackle first.  Is it the hair, that appears to be an old mop?

The open shirt with chest follicles gone mad?

The purple sweater draping his shoulders?

How about the True Value apron?

Wait, isn’t True Value a hardware store?  Why would a stylist be wearing that?  No idea, but if you want to start putting your Jack Darling costume together early for this Halloween, you can pick one of those bad boys up on Etsy for under $10.

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In fact, if anyone reading this DOES dress up as Jack Darling for Halloween, email me a pic and I’ll send you $9 by PayPal to cover the cost of the apron. It’s a small price to pay for the ability to simultaneously mock you and also re-reference this stupid induction for years to come.

As Jack flings powder all over the place, Vince says, and I quote, “A little up the nose?” to which Adrian deadpans “maybe.”  Seriously, give it a listen.  If you’re somehow shocked at such a blatant drug reference on WWF television, well, you obviously weren’t around in the 1980’s, as they snuck questionable stuff like that on their TV shows all the time.  I’d be remiss in this particular induction if I didn’t mention how nearly every Steve Lombardi (who was gay in real life) match had a quip from Gorilla Monsoon about how he attended the Terry Garvin (ditto) school of self defense, which featured a lot of “go behinds.”  In many ways it was the wild west of television, and it would obviously never fly today.

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Kinda like the end of this skit, during which Jack Darling finishes off Adrian’s makeover by smearing his cheeks with red paint and then repeatedly brushing his middle finger over the guy’s lips.

Again:

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Sigh.

But hey, that was just Adrian’s makeup artist.  It’s now time for the main event of the evening, during which we shall meet his personal florist, a man by the name of Mr. Bruce.

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And this guy…wow.  I mean, he plays it so absurdly over the top you can almost picture Vince backstage yelling at him, “That Jack Darling, he could have passed as hetero, or at least bi!  I want you FLAMING!  FLAMING, DO YOU HEAR ME?  FLAMING DAMMIT!”

And if those were the marching orders, boy howdy did this dude ever deliver.

But it wasn’t just a solo act, as he had help in the form of Gene Okerlund, who delivered every quip imaginable in a four minute span, starting by asking if Adrian looked ‘smashing’ from behind.

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And thus we start our downhill run into Stereotypeville, with the train wreck continuing as a “bee” appears on the set.  Mr. Bruce attacks the insect by flailing at it in the most limp wristed style possible as he cries “Jimmy!” with a tone that can only be described as girlish.  From there, Gene asks Phyllis (“err, I mean Bruce!”) how long he’s been doing this.  Bruce explains since childhood, and Gene remarks, “Wait, what have you been doing since you were a child?” to some very forced laughs.

Why I can almost hear Michael Cole guffawing in the same manner!

Between the bees and Okerlund’s harassment, poor Mr. Bruce begins to have a meltdown.

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A big, pouty, puffy cheeked meltdown.

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Thankfully, he is able to calm himself to the point that he can continue the arrangement, noting that “you put it in the rear” and also that “whatever I put in my little hands grows.”

Don’t blame me.  I’m just reporting the facts.

As Mr. Bruce gets a bit unnerved, Gene asks Adrian if he thinks Bruce is, and I am quoting here, “up for this.”  Mr. Bruce spins on a dime and says, “I’m up for anything you can put out, big boy!” and also that Gene wishes he was yanking his chain.

You know.  Like sexually.

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Again. 

Just. 

Reporting. 

The. 

Facts.

In case you were holding out any semblance of hope that this sordid affair may somehow become classy, it ends with the bee returning and stinging Adrian right square in the hindquarters.

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Which naturally leads to Mr. Bruce spraying his fanny with a water bottle.

Not to beat a dead horse or anything but…

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…yeah.

This is what we have to look forward to.

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

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40 Responses to "INDUCTION: Adrian Adonis’ Assistants, Mr. Bruce and Jack Darling – Just What You’d Expect from 1986 (or 2016) WWF!"
  1. Alfonzo Tyson says:

    Can’t wait for Orlando Jordan: Bisexual to be inducted. The roasting will be epic!

  2. Jimbolian says:

    Well Steph, you got about 135 days left to make your case for the 2016 Gooker Award.

  3. Erich says:

    This time, the HLA will be done in a positive, sexuality-affirming way.

  4. #OPC says:

    This angle can be vindicated if at least SOMEONE shows up in a True Value apron.

  5. Raven7309 says:

    Evil foreigners, racist gimmicks: Saba Simba, Wild Samoans, Umaga, Kamala, stereotypical charicatures: Hillbillies, the wealthy arrogant types. How Vinny Mac has survived being raked over the coals, tried and found guilty in the court of public opinion, and still managed to become the number one wrestling promoter of all time will never cease to amaze me.

    • Si says:

      Because “it’s only wrestling, nobody cultured really likes that fake fighting”. Same reason you’re not hearing a lot about the current wellness suspensions being served while Brock main events Summerslam.

  6. C Boz says:

    Completely agree that a WWE LGBT angle will be pandering at best and offensive in some way. Its history also includes Goldust of course, whom if I can recall Vince’s quote correctly from one of the Slammy Awards, was not recognized as being a “real man” until we saw him deep tongue Marlena. Real men can be gay or bisexual, Mr McMahon. Playing to the worst prejudices of too many in your audience is simply pathetic and irresponsible, especially in a publicly traded company.

    My wild guess – they go down the lesbian route because that is “what is best for business”.

  7. Raging_Demons says:

    WWE plans to integrate LGBT characters. Well they currently have Darren Young on the roster…That could possibly mean!

    UH…..OH!

    I got a feeling Darren Young is going to join the Wrestlecrap LGBT wing.

  8. Barronmore says:

    Say what you will about the adorable one but the man could really wrestle when he wanted too. Collusium Video has a show called inside the steel cage that featured a match between him and the macho man (I think) vs Tito Santana (in a performance that would make Ricky Morton blush in shame) and a retired Bruno Sanmartino. I did not know a man that large could jump so high…

  9. Mister Forth says:

    I see this being like on South Park, when Kyle’s mom made a school nurse’s deformity a center of attention.

  10. Geoff says:

    Can I just say how refreshing it is to see AJ shrug her shoulders as if to say: “whatever” which in fact she IS saying “whatever” by the eye roll that she does. Sometimes she is better at doing it than a still pic of MMR just shrugging his shoulders. We need more AJ shrugs.

    • Si says:

      And it works specifically here because Paige and AJ briefly had a sexually ambivalent personal relationship, the last time I can remember them explicitly doing that.

  11. King Of Kings says:

    So AJ Lee is the new MMR? Say it ain’t so RD! On second thought, she’ll do 🙂

    Nipple H is gonna need to pull a serious rabbit out of her hat to redeem all the really horrible LGBT themed storylines we’ve had to endure over the years. When you have stuff like HLA, Billy and Chuck as the Ambiguously Gay Duo, Heidenreich having his way with Michael Cole, Mickie James and her sapphic obsession with Trish Stratus, and Goldust’s early years, yeah..I’m not liking WWE’s chances right now.

  12. alex says:

    The closest WWE have ever got to pulling something like this off was with Goldust… I’m surprised he wasn’t worthy of a mention in this article

  13. Sean Bateman says:

    Years later, there was a Bruce in TNA’s Rainbow Express

    • Woooooolhouse says:

      They ruined all our best names, like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they’re just… uh…

      • Thomas Moffatt says:

        I want to know what the real deal is with Mr Burns’ assistant Smithers. You know what I’m talking about.

  14. Gerard says:

    Remember reading during the Billy and Chuck storyline that glaad was originally very pleased with the WWE even thought of giving them an award….but…the WWE screwed that up of course by saying hey no we were just joking Billy and Chuck are not gay we were just kidding around!!! Glaad was very insulted and angry!!!

    • ChrisV says:

      It was pretty obvious that GLAAD had never watched a WWF/WWE program, otherwise, they would have realized things weren’t going to go well immediately.

  15. John C says:

    Completly never remembered this and I usually have the 80’s stuff scorched into my brain. So if Adrian was as Gorilla put it, “Light in the loafers” how come it was always the good guy macho hero like a Junk Yard Dog that tore off Jimmy Hart’s pants. And all the times the rugged baby face would put the smaller heel manager over his knee and spank him on the backside. Then you had the epitome of manliness in The Mega Powers who damn near orgasmed every time they went to shake each others hand and then a woman broke up their “partnership”. Oh how those Mega Powers did indeed explode.

  16. Larry says:

    It’s funny, (or sad depending on how you look at it), that the name “Bruce” is almost always associated with a gay character when the 4 most famous Bruces most people can think of are Bruce Wayne, Bruce Lee, Bruce Willis and Bruce Springsteen who are some of the most manliest people, (or fictional character in Batman’s case), ever.

    • ChrisV says:

      I don’t know….Frederic Werthham was pretty sure Bruce Wayne and Robin were up to some very unwholesome stuff together….

  17. MistaMaddog says:

    Rememeber when Big Steph told the whole LGBT community that there would be a legitiment gay wedding on-air, which was later interupted by a Three Minute Warning?

    Good Times…

    • Larry says:

      I remember that. It was actually a good skit. Bischoff in one of the best “Scooby Doo” villain costumes that nobody saw coming. Plus it was one of the VERY rare instances of Steph getting totally destroyed – by 3 Minute Watning no less. And she took those brutal looking Samoan drops like a pro.

  18. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Wow… This is one of the stupidest skits I’ve ever seen on the site- and that covers 16 years worth of stuff! Great find, R.D!

  19. Vintage says:

    “In case you were holding out any semblance of hope that this sordid affair may somehow become classy, it ends with the bee returning and stinging Adrian right square in the hindquarters”

    The bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom’s big!

  20. Geoff says:

    And now we can call him Adrian “Big Bottom”. Thank yew, I’ll show myself out.

  21. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Mr. Bruce looks like Stuart from MadTV.

  22. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Kind of get the feeling that Breezango are going to become a ‘couple’ though in Lenny and Carl fashion they haven’t worked it out for themselves…

  23. Thomas Moffatt says:

    And that shot of Nipple H, her expression makes me think she is undergoing a rectal examination…

  24. Anonymous says:

    Georgeous George wasn’t a “gay”, gimmick, dude. He was just supposed to be a narcisstic mean-spirited wimp more than anything. He was like a combination of Ric Flair and the Honky Tonk Man.

  25. Brad Essex says:

    It took rob terry 10 months to removed that image from his mind.

  26. Evan Waters says:

    Lenny and Lodi in 1999 were clearly WCW’s attempt to jump on the “boo them because they are gay” bandwagon. In a year of very bad WCW decisions, they somehow stand out. Still, Adonis’ schtick is the hardest to watch of any of ’em, not helped by the deliberately hideous makeup.

    I’m not 100% pessimistic on wrestling eventually integrating LGBT characters in a way that isn’t insulting (or at least, is no more stupid or insulting than wrestling normally is), simply because there has been a hell of a cultural shift in the last decade or so. As behind the times as the business can be, they’ll get pulled along eventually. Though if the random jobber liking big sweaty men back on RAW is any indication, it’s gonna be rough for a while.

  27. Jimbolian says:

    Stop the presses!

    Is that Charles Nelson Reilly wearing a blonde wig as Jack Darling? I THINK IT IS!!

    (What is positive though that this shows my age since I watched old reruns of The Match Game)

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