Induction: Flair and Piper on Celebrity Wife Swap: Naitch still is a 60-Minute Man (41 Minutes without the commercials)

67 Submitted by on Thu, 18 July 2013, 20:00
ABC television, 2013

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When I first heard that wrestling personalities would be featured on Celebrity Wife Swap, I was shocked that Hulk Hogan would even be on speaking terms with Bubba The Love Sponge again, let alone agree to appear on national TV together. Later, I learned that the show was rated TV-PG, putting that lot out of the question.

So who could it be? Brock Lesnar and Marc Mero? Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle?

As it turns out, the partners to be swapped would be those of Roddy Piper and Ric Flair. The idea reminded me of a proposed reality show on the WWE Network called, “Legends’ House,” in which a group of retired WWE superstars would live together in a house while hilarity ensues (“Big American Two-by-Four Hacksaw! Your dog, he is humbling the couch!”).  cws01
 cws02 In this case, though, it would be Ric Flair hosting Roddy Piper’s first and only wife, Kitty, for a week (with Naitch no doubt relieved that it wouldn’t be Ron Garvin in drag again)…
…while the Hot Rod and his family would spend the week with Ric Flair’s girlfriend and prospective fifth wife, Wendy.  cws03
cws04 If this were a makeover show, they could easily turn Wendy into a convincing Dixie Carter. Or vice versa.
Oh, and did I mention that Wendy used to be Flair’s French maid, Fifi? cws05
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(Besides, she’s already booked for next season’s Lawler/Kizarny episode)

Sadly, Piper’s wife Kitty was not Stacy “Miss Kitty” Carter. No, I take that back. That’s not sad at all.
We learned that Ric Flair loves to go out and spend money every night, which was hardly news if you’ve been watching wrestling for long, or if you’ve ever had Nature Boy default on a loan. cws07
cws08 Rowdy Roddy Piper and Rowdy Kitty Piper, on the other hand, are very down to earth and frugal. In fact, compared to Ric, Hot Rod is the very picture of sanity (and this is a man who once painted half his body black for a worldwide audience for reasons still not fully explained).
“We are a contrast of styles,” said Piper. “That’s why we made such good opponents. As a tag team, we suck.”
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They do.

cws10  Naitch lives with Fifi and her four kids, while the Pipers live with their children, one of whom trains with Roddy for pro wrestling and MMA. Here’s Hot Rod teaching his son Colt what to do when his opponent refuses to put on sunglasses.
(Roddy’s other famous training techniques are rendered obsolete when he actually is the kid’s dad.) fightingfit0c
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The Shockmaster hole has been fixed up nicely.

In Ric and Wendy’s household (which I would have liked to imagine was the old Flair For the Gold set), a full-time staff keeps the house clean, tends the gardens, raises the kids, etc.
As for the Pipers, Kitty does all the chores herself. That seems very unfair of Roddy, but would you want to be bogged down with menial labor when you could be serenading yourself with the strains of this cool electric bagpipe? I rest my case.  cws12
cws13 Still, that leaves Kitty in charge of laundry, dishes, cooking, and feeding the pets. (Not “cooking and feeding the pets;” thankfully nobody was cooking the pets, if you couldn’t already tell from my punctuation. Thanks, Oxford comma!
You’re welcome!

Oh, not you, Oxford Kama. But I do look forward to your return to WWE with Team Rhodes Scholars.)

Oxford Kama
cws15  Before moving day, neither family knew who the new wife would be. Needless to say, when the ladies moved into their new temporary homes, there was considerable culture shock. Kitty couldn’t adjust to the Nature Boy lifestyle of going out on the town and buying everyone drinks, while Wendy was clearly not used to doing housework. I would point out the irony here about Fifi the maid being a terrible maid in real life, but she herself said that exact thing on the show, so I’m left with no joke for this panel.
When it came time for dinner at the Pipers, Fifi’s meat loaf was nothing to write home about. In fact, Piper said that she “couldn’t cook her way out of Alcatraz.” Jeez, Roddy. Just because you managed to get off Alcatraz Island to fight Hollywood Hogan doesn’t mean that it’s going be a walk in the park for everyone else.  cws16
 cws17 Fun fact: the Piper household is also home to this valued member of Stephanie McMahon’s creative team.
Back in Charlotte, Kitty was clearly uncomfortable with Slick Ric insisting on buying her expensive jewelry. Can you blame her? This footage will someday be entered in as evidence at Naitch’s bankruptcy hearing. cws18
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Halfway through the week, it was time for the new wives to change the house rules. In the Flair household, Mrs. Piper made Ric stay in the house and spend time with the kids. Anybody familiar with Naitch already knows how hard this would be. Flair knows so little about kids that he believes Disney World’s Space Mountain ride is only available to park guests 18 years of age or older, and I rode it when I was twelve!
Still, Flair’s new temporary wife made him become part of the family unit. Somewhere in TV land, Ricky Steamboat was laughing. The audience got some insight into how reckless Flair’s financing is, and all it took was some pen-and-paper arithmetic by Wendy’s pre-teen son. You’d need a six-figure salary just to pay for Ric’s dinners. Go on, do the math yourself. I’m not joking.  cws20
 

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More absurd than this.

Another rule change for Ric? He would have to go grocery shopping, and without the perks of being a celebrity. That meant that Naitch would have to go incognito. Fortunately, Kitty had the foresight to have packed a fake mustache. Either that, or a producer provided one, but come on, this is reality television! Flair ended up looking like Sgt. Slaughter coaching high school football, and he wanted nothing of it.
Flair was none too pleased to be slumming like some common 14- or 15-time world champion. Presumably, he normally has someone else buy his groceries, perhaps one of the many impostor Black Scorpions he had at his disposal back in 1990. I bet he wished he had held on to that mask, too.  cws22
cws23  Back at the Piper house, Wendy had had enough of bearing all the responsibility for household chores when there were plenty of people already living there who were perfectly capable of doing it themselves. You can see where this is going, right?
Well, no. Instead of doing the practical (and cost-effective) thing, Wendy hired cleaning ladies to take care of the house. Just so I know you get this straight: instead of using the people already there for zero additional cost, she brought in a band of over-priced hired hands to fix up the place. Hey, are you sure that she just looks like Dixie Carter?  cws24
cws25 Wendy also took the Piper clan shopping, where they bought $8800 (or Flair’s monthly dinner budget) worth of clothes they didn’t need. “Keep the receipts, kids!” no doubt said Piper once the cameras stopped rolling.
In a serious moment on the show, Kitty invited Ric’s ex-wife Beth over to discuss his stylin’ and profilin’ lifestyle (The Pipers are long-time friends of Ric and Beth). As it turns out, Ric was much more willing to spend time with his family before he was retired. cws26
cws27 Kitty later confronted Ric, and in their heart-to-heart talk, she said she believed that Ric was spending so frivolously to try to hold on to that rush of excitement from his glory days in the ring. Ric welled up with tears, as if in agreement, showing a very human side to the Nature Boy. Then he punched open his old forehead scars and called the cops on Kitty for domestic assault.
Nah, maybe I embellished just slightly right there. Anyway, when the week was up, the two sets of spouses reunited and discussed how they were going to change their lifestyles from then on. They went back to their respective homes, and it was a wrap. What, were you expecting some shocking twist ending where Flair and Piper kiss or something? cws28
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Gross!

Because they totally did.

If this ABC reality show is any indication of the kind of wacky shenanigans that WWE legends could get themselves into on a WWE-produced program, I can only hope that Vince and company will hurry up and launch the WWE Network already. I don’t want the premiere of “Legends’ House” to feature Hall of Famers Dominick Mysterio and Dewey Foley bickering over the thermostat.

Written by

A wrestling fan ever since the days of Wrestlemania IX, Art graduated from college in the same building where Art Donovan called King of the Ring 1994. He currently runs the "How Much Does This Guy Weigh?" blog, where he reviews New Generation-Era Monday Night Raws and Hasbro WWF figures. Email at: art@wrestlecrap.com
67 Responses to "Induction: Flair and Piper on Celebrity Wife Swap: Naitch still is a 60-Minute Man (41 Minutes without the commercials)"
  1. Down With OPC says:

    Wow, this was fast.

  2. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Awesome, awesome job! Made me laugh with pretty much every paragraph and picture.

  3. Brandon Slone says:

    Oxford Kama is my new favorite anything ever.

  4. Justin Henry says:

    You rode Space Mountain when you were 12?

    *Chris Hansen voice* “And Ric, how old *is* Art?”

  5. RD Reynolds says:

    “I would point out the irony here about Fifi the maid being a terrible maid in real life, but she herself said that exact thing on the show, so I’m left with no joke for this panel.” HOWLED at that one.

  6. Raging_Demons says:

    Yeah way too fast. Why didn’t you guys let it sit for awhile?

  7. Doc Arkham says:

    True story: Jimmy Hart told me before a TNA taping once that he had a reality show in development that would feature him and the usual suspects (the Nastys, Bruti, Greg Valentine and so on) running a real estate office. That was pretty much the whole story: Wrestlers in real estate. Hijinks ensue. How is that not running on TruTV right now?

  8. The Doctor of Style says:

    Yikes, when I saw that picture of the wrestling match, I thought, “Wait, when did Ric Flair ever tag team with Naked Mideon?”

  9. I'm Not Using My Real Name says:

    “Here’s Hot Rod teaching his son Colt what to do when his opponent refuses to put on sunglasses.”

    You could have ended the induction right there and I wouldn’t have cared. That line cracked me up.

    • CarlMarksGuy says:

      Yeah, I always mark out for “They Live” references.

      But I’ve had a horrible thought: would Brett Hart react the same way if any of the lucky fans at ring-side had refused to accept his sunglasses?!

    • Chinese Eye says:

      I don’t get it, the only thing I can think of is the CM Punk fan incident but on that occasion the guy DID put his sunglasses on. It probably has a really obvious explanation that I’ll kick myself for not getting when someone explains it to me.

      • AlexK says:

        For you and anyone else asking: there was a whole prolonged fight scene in “They Live” where Piper got into it with his buddy, after the guy refused to put on the sunglasses that showed Piper the subliminal messsages and aliens that were all around them.

        The scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9rrgJXfLns

    • DOC 902714 says:

      I’m not sure that I get the “not putting on sunglasses joke” Did it come from the movie “They Live”

  10. Rave says:

    That parrot can’t be on Steph’s creative team, it’s too smart.

  11. The Scanian Maniac says:

    You should also do an induction of the recent television show about the alledged ghost hauntings in Roddy Pipers home:

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3007206/

    • Eric Hinkle says:

      The heck? Why would a ghost be haunting the Hot Rod? Or maybe it’s really that guy who did Jacob Marley all those years ago when Roddy was in the WWF and did a skit where he was Ebenezer Scrooge?

  12. John says:

    Flair’s fake mustache was the worst since Bobby Valentine’s when he was the Mets manager and ejected from a game. For a future episode how about Vince & Triple H exchange wives somehow I have a feeling Vinny Mac would be up for it.

  13. Mav says:

    Great entry. The old-time Black Scorpion, Piper at Alcatrez and Shockmaster references were terrific.

  14. CaptainRon says:

    Is this the fastest turn-around for a WrestleCrap induction? Not saying it’s not deserving….

  15. Bone White says:

    When I first saw that photo of Flair in disguise I thought “Blimey Tom Selleck has aged”

  16. Jay "The Brain" Mann says:

    I didn’t think it was that bad. I thought it was so bad it was good. And, yes, I’m slightly disappointed that a cardinal WrestleCrap rule was broken, but hey, easy targets, right?

    (that last part was a joke, I swear)

  17. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    The reason we have the “wait a year” rule in regards to characters and angles is that we want to wait and see where they end up going and give them a chance to play out before we declare them to be crap. :) That doesn’t really apply with a one-off TV show appearance like this which is probably one of the reasons Art decided to induct it right away.

  18. theOneManChainGang says:

    I knew the minute this episode hit the airwaves it was going to be inducted sooner rather than later

  19. originalflavorgobias says:

    THAT’S NOT MY DAD!

  20. Thomas Milner-Jones says:

    Although I did laugh at the ‘Gross!’ caption under the Flair/Piper kiss, I honestly don’t see the problem with it. It’s clearly cheek-to-cheek between long-time friends. It takes a pretty deviant mind to see that and automatically associate it with homosexuality (not to mention the implicit implication that homosexuality is a disgusting trait) especially since they’re both clearly heterosexuals with many children each.

    Kind of brought the rest of the induction down a bit.

    • Justin Henry says:

      Hey, people have their own instincts. Some are repulsed by certain acts of PDA, others refuse to give their e-mail address so they can be called out personally on their indignation. People are different :-)

    • Art0Donnell says:

      Yeah, the “Gross!” caption was a joke. Note the over-directness of the caption, the over-the-top immaturity of the sentiment more befitting of a 5-year-old, and the exclamation point. Also, the fact that it is treated like a shocking and scandalous twist instead of a clear sign of respect between old friends tipped most readers off to the lighthearted nature of the statement, which was intended as a send-up of homophobic overreactions. Writers tend not to flat out tell you how you are supposed to react, especially not to an innocuous picture like the one at the end of the article. If you see a writer doing such a thing, it may be a sign not of sincerity, but of sarcasm.

    • Mike Hunt says:

      relax mary.

    • Matt Soileau says:

      Good Lord. Really?

    • drunkenmaster says:

      C’mon. That was just for a cheap laugh, don’t you see the humor in it?

  21. Tragic Moron says:

    Flair: “I BOUGHT HAM!! I DON’T EVEN EAT HAM!!!!!”

  22. Joe T says:

    I almost feel the Flair mustache could have been a seperate induction (with this one still going too). That mustache left me with a question “Hey Rick it was the most absurd thing you’ve had to do? Really? Well it was one of the most absurd things I’ve had to watch and I’m positive I lost in this exchange”

    • Joe T says:

      *Ric…sry the mustache caused my typing to go blind. I still think a Cody Rhodes t-shirt could have accomplished the same thing and been less painful to watch.

  23. Matt Soileau says:

    Oxford Kama FTW!

  24. Lee W says:

    That disguise Ric Flair wore is in terms of idiocy on a par with making either Kane or Rey Mysterio wear masks for a 2nd time using the same gimmick.

  25. Alan says:

    Enjoyed the line about Dixie bringing in hired help and tying it into what Fifi was doing by hiring that $8800 cleaning service. Also thought the “Exhibit A in bankruptcy court” was a classic. Great job once again Art, and it’s never too soon to induct one-off stuff like this. Inducting a character/story in midstream would be a mistake.

  26. Emerson Witner says:

    I wish you would have included the “I bought ham. I don’t even like ham.” line.

  27. WC Fan says:

    I didn’t watch this at all. Good induction, Art.

  28. John Darc says:

    This is actually a pretty depressing induction, considering the state of Ric Flair’s life right now and how recent this all is.

    • "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

      Eh, it made me laugh despite Ric being awful with his money. Apples and Oranges to me.

  29. Sean says:

    I gave this induction to Paul for It Came From YouTube and look what happened.

  30. Escape says:

    Great stuff! I loved how Piper and Flair were working like pros through the whole show.The only thing missing were a few screen caps of Piper’s over-the-top facial reactions. Those really cracked me up.

  31. Sean says:

    Oxford Kama > Damien Sandow

  32. Paul R. from SpookCentral.tk says:

    I thought this was more fitting for It Came From YouTube than an induction. This didn’t really scream “Wrestlecrap” to me. It was just simply crap, no more so than any other “reality show” is.

    I am glad to see I wasn’t the only one who thought that… (1) Wendy looked like Dixie Carter’s twin. (2) Piper’s family are a bunch of last bums who make poor Kitty do all the work. (3) Wendy allowed them to continue being lazy bums by hiring the maid service instead of having them do the work. (4) They didn’t need to spend over $8,000 on all of those clothes they didn’t need. That’s OVER FIVE MONTHS worth of my rent!!! Damn right Piper better have told them to keep the receipts.

    Anyway, you can watch the whole episode for free here:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDZSkaEOWBQ

    Or you can pay $1.99 to watch it on ABC’s YouTube channel at:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFdUlCnOtwI

  33. Chris says:

    Is this the same Roddy Piper who said he’s the reason the original Wrestlemania was such a success?

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