Classic Induction: Thunder in Paradise 2 – Because the World DEMANDED a Sequel!!

4 Submitted by on Mon, 01 July 2013, 23:02

It’s taken years. Even I don’t know how many. But I do know, unequivacably, that it has taken years. It’s been in ways my worst fear, my unconquerable foe. And yet here I stand before you, staring death in the face, all for you, my loyal Crappers.

For the day has finally come when I will review Thunder in Paradise 2.

Now for those of you new to the Crap, let me recap a bit. In the mid 1990′s, Hulk Hogan had decided that wrestling wasn’t for him, and rather that he was going to make his mark in the world of (non-sports) entertainment. To that end, he landed several movie roles (including such stinkeroos as Santa with Muscles and Mr. Nanny), and was even able to procure his own television series, Thunder in Paradise, with several of the two part episodes packaged together and sold as films by Vidmark.

I’m thinking after having watched the first film, replacing the “V” in that company’s name with an “Sk” would be far more appropriate.

The first film nearly broke me. As you can probably surmise, it’s not often that I cannot make it through something horrible. I live for it. Films like Cat in the Hat, Waterworld, Battlefield Earth…bring them on. The crappier the better.

But Thunder in Paradise…it was the film that nearly did in my love for bad cinema. The lethal combination of Terry Bolea’s wooden acting and the script writers’ ability to rip off both Baywatch AND Knight Rider simultaneously almost caused my tiny pea brain to shut down completely. But I made it through, yes, yes I did.

And I’m ready for another round of Hulk Hogan’s Nautical Nonsense (which, come to think of it, would have been a far superior title for the series).

We begin today’s adventure with not Hulk Hogan nor his dingy, but rather with what appears to be two girls macking.

Maybe I have the wrong tape. If so, I am very glad.

Awwww crap, nope, there’s the title. And on second glance, it actually appears that it may be two guys. You know, I could see Hogan, just for kicks, forcing ed Leslie and Brian Knobbs to swap spit.

Nah, on third glance, it’s definitely chicks, and sure enough, girls frolic on the beach and splash down water slides.

You know, if it was just this for 90 minutes, it wouldn’t be so bad.

But sadly, predictably, it’s not, as we move into the “plot” as it were. There’s some jibber jabber about a dream hollow from the voodoo chick from the first rendition of this nightmare which is so boring and seemingly pointless that I cannot even command my fingers to do a screen grab of it.

Especially when I can use those valuable kilobytes to present this fascinating shot of our hero Spence (Hogan) fighting sword wielding bad guys in what is supposed to the middle east, but it looks more like the middle of a Six Flags theme park.

Now if Hogan was fighting that creepy ass Mr. Six guy, well, there’s something I’d pay to see.

Especially if the clashed swords while his theme music played in the background.

But no, no no no, it’s not something FUN like that. No, soon enough our heroes are back aboard Thunder (or as Homer Simpson would call it, “Knightboat – the crime SOLVING boat.”)

Horrifically horrible overacting ensues. And I mean HORRIBLE. I remember when I first saw Hogan the thespian in No Holds Barred, I thought, “Man he sucks.”

But then I thought, “No, he REALLY sucks.”

But then I thought, “Well, maybe he’ll get better in time.” Amazingly, I’ve seen tons of Hogan flicks since then (I’m a masochist that way), and no joke, his acting gets somehow WORSE every single time.

Amazing.

So anyway, our heroes don’t get too far before they are blown up in a fiery explosion.

Hey, some days this job isn’t so bad after all!

Sadly, this is not, in fact, the shortest and thefore greatest Hulk Hogan film ever made, it’s just Hogan’s kid having a bad dream.

Cut to some wacky prince guy, complete with the most stereotypical genie pants this side of Ali Baba. In fact, I don’t even care what this dork’s name is, for the rest of this review, he IS Ali Baba.

You might recall that the last time I reviewed one of these stupid shows, I also renamed a character (there was some old fart I dubbed “Jack Tunney”). Now before you blast me for having no originality, allow me to state that sometimes, in order to make it through this stupid movies, all for your enjoyment I might add, I have to do something to amuse myself. Or at least make it more interesting.

I mean, it’s not like the Shockmaster is just showing up out of the blue or anything.

Ok, maybe he is.

And he’s not alone!

Oh yes, kiddies, hidden behind the world’s saddest Fidel Castro costume would, in fact, be EL GIGANTE/GIANT GONZALEZ, who you’ll recall was so impressive heaving barrels around in the original.

Remind me should “RD Reynolds: A Lifetime of Crap” ever make it to the big screen to NOT hire the casting director behind Thunder in Paradise.

Anyway, he blah blahs something  in a manner or incomprehensible that makes one long for the articulate tones of the Great Khali.

You know what? I’m sorry kids. I just can’t do this. The acting and the stupidity of this plot and the fact that it’s basically the EXACT SAME STUPID MOVIE I’VE ALREADY WATCHED is too much for me to handle. I mean, hell, I’d rather spend the next two hours watching a movie in a language I can’t understand.

Now there’s an idea…


Película De Lucha Mexicana, 1973

Text by RD Reynolds

I may not speak a word of Spanish or know my ole from my hombre, but I’ll take my chances today. This film, which stars lucha libre stars from NINETEEN SEVENTY-THREE has to be better than the last 20 minutes of crap I’ve just endured.

And thus, today we witness a first in the six-year history of WrestleCrap: I’m going to review a film in which I have no idea what is being said. I wasn’t trying to elicit laughter above: I really don’t know any Spanish whatsoever. So I am flying completely blind for today’s feature presentation of “El Castillo de las Momias de Guanajuato”. According to freetranslations.com, that means: “The Castle of the Mummies of Guanajuato”.

Just that title alone tells me I’ve made the right choice.

And best of all, I guarantee this film will not feature El Gigante.

Awww man…

Our NEW adventure begins with our heroes, Blue Angel, Tinieblas, and SuperZan riding around the country side in a VW Bus as what I can only describe as LUCHA PORNO MUSIK  warbles in the background. Seriously, if you’re banging a chick while wearing a mask and a cape, THIS is what you want playing the background.

I should also note that while I am happy to report that Tinieblas is NOT the man who would go onto become Giant Gonzalez, I am sad to see that while we have a Super Zan, we are lacking a Super Jana.

Or a Super Gleek for that matter.

That’s probably for the best.

Cut to an arena someplace south of the border, and it’s luchariffic action! The best part of this isn’t the mayhem inside the ring, but rather that the sound effect for every single bump appears to be someone punching a hollow box, as if the competitors in the ring were composed entirely of cardboard.

This theory is reinforced by the fact that at one point the rudos start kicking the technico right in the refritos. Same sound.

If there’s one thing I’d never want, it’s testicles made of corrugated paper products.

Backstage, the guys catch up with each other. Apparently, the one guy had an “accidente”, but it is “inconsequentio”. I bet that means he had an accident, now see if you follow me here, but it’s inconsequential. Then the blue guy said something about his madre (according to freetranslations.com, that means his MOTHER) and an eskimo.

I have no earthly idea what any of this really meant, but I think I’m catching on. In fact, if I can keep up at this rate, I’ll be translating for the UN by the end of this flick.

And then it’s back in the VW BUS and the smut music. Our heroes don’t get far, however, before they run into a very frightening woman with the biggest hair I’ve seen this side of, well, 1973. It really was all the rage back then. Sadly, her car has broken down.

Reason number 738 why Mexico is better than the US: their version of AAA features masked men with capes coming to your dipstick’s rescue.

The serniorita seems pleased, and says, “Gracias.”

Like I said, I don’t know any espanol, but even I know that means “Screw ya later.”

Cut to what appears to be children on a field trip. One dorky child strays from the group and begins skipping through the woods. Not that SKIPPING ever looks patricularly good, but this looked patently ridiculous, to the point that it caused three midgets to attack him. And really, who could blame them?

Despite Skippy’s best efforts (namely hitting one of them on the head with what appeared to be a Trapper Keeper), he is abducted by the little people.

But the Lollipop Guild ain’t done yet, oh no. They also swing by and nab the kid’s dad, this time at gunpoint.

There’s something very unsettling about a dwarf whose ready to bust a cap in an old cracker’s ass.

(I feel like I’ve some how just made gangsta rap incredibly uncool. Good for me.)

The midgets haul Skippy and his pappy to what appears to be an Aztec ruin inhabbited by a stereotypically evil scientist. He is so so evil and so sterotypical that he has, you guessed it, a PET CAT which he strokes in an appropriately evil and even more appropriately stereotypical manner.

Words are exchanged, words that I cannot understand. But I think the jist of it is that he’s kidnapped Skippy’s dad to help him in some nefarious plot.

That or to help him fabricate a really righteous bong.

One wrestling match later, we are thrown headfirst into what appears to be a STRIP CLUB, at which the scary hair chick is the main (or is that MANE?) attraction. Looks like my translation of “gracias” above was right on the money.

She dances around in a manner that would have the horniest of men looking for the local monastery.

SPEAKING OF MONASTERIES (bad segues aren’t just for WrestleCrap Radio anymore)…we go back to the temple, where Dr. Not Quite So Evil has gathered with his little minons, now made out to be druids. That’s where Vince went wrong with Undertaker – he never had MIDGET DRUIDS.

Anyhoo, they have a nice sacrifice in which they stab chickens with what appears to be giant bars of soap. Looks like Ivory, to be honest.

Oh, and then they wave them repeatedly at the camera. It’s almost like they’re trying to hipnotize you using chicken corpses. Had Papa Shango used that technique, he would have no doubt driven the Warrior insane.

Hmmm…

The Sacrifice de Pollo accomplishes its goal: it brings the zombies or mummies or whatever the hell they are supposed to be to life.

And these aren’t just any old mummies – these are evil BABY STOMPING MUMMIES.

Although I’ve only been a father for eight months, I feel I can freely offer this sage advice to any aspiring parents out there: don’t leave your infant alone in the woods. Especially not when midgets, mummies, and luchadores are running amok.

This public service announcement brought to you by WrestleCrap.com.

Eventually one of the luchadores is subdued by the combination of mummies and midgets. (I’ve waited all my life to write that sentence.)

He is sapped off his blood, which is transplanted into the good, err, bad doctor.

Of course, it’s only a matter of time before the remaining luchadores hit the scene, with more cardboard boxing ensuing. To the delight of Mexicans and gringos alike, the evil doctor and his minions are defeated.

And just to make sure everything remains calm and peaceful, the good guys commit arson and burn the whole damn place down while holding hands.

Awww.

 

Midgets conducting chicken sacrifices and luchadores in strip clubs?

To quote the late, great Curt Hennig – Hulk Hogan, you can’t do that.


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Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
4 Responses to "Classic Induction: Thunder in Paradise 2 – Because the World DEMANDED a Sequel!!"
  1. demian damage says:

    Mexican wrestlers fighting mummies will always trump hogan…

  2. Frozen Banana Expert says:

    This is why I love luchador movies.

  3. Joe T says:

    Switching to Película De Lucha Mexicana was definitly a good call, once El Gigante appeared it was over for me with TIP2. Just a guessing here, but if I’m banging a chick with a mask and cape, I think my theme music would be of secondary importance (maybe).

  4. Stephen says:

    RD Reynolds tapped out to Hulk Hogan? Or specifically, a Hulk Hogan movie?

    Boooo! Where’s-our-refund!? *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap*

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